Determined to Milk Me Financially

Hello. My advice to you would be to make them go even if they don't want to. They are angry with him and for good reason but that is still their father. As much as you may not like to hear or think about it, they need him. I don't know how you speak of him around them, but they may pick up on your feelings and act accordingly. The only place I feel you may have a concern is with them walking in on them having sex. Maybe talk to him about refraining from sex when they're there, or at least waiting until the late hrs. The one thing you have to remember is that he divorced you, not the kids, maybe he needs the same reminder. He is entitled to move on with his life and you need to do the same. Don't end your happiness. The kids won't benefit from that either. Make a formal visitation agreement, It will make life easier for everyone ( mainly you!). I hope this helps

If you just need a night out I would not look to the dad for help. If the kids are uncomfortable with him then I would just find a good baby sitter through friends. Also, one of the best things I have done as a mother is to find another mom with whom I share similar parenting styles/values/etc. and swap baby sitting nights with her. We call each other for help whenever and if we can do it, we do it, if we can't we just say so. It is so nice to go to a movie or to dinner with friends and know the kids are happy and safe. And you return the favor. It also helps if your friend has kids the same ages as your own. I think you are just doing the right thing by even reaching out on this website. You are not alone. Keep reaching out and you will find someone you can trust and with whom you feel comfortable. I just thinking women need other women for support. It just makes us happier. And this definitely sounds like a time in your life when you need the support of other women.

D., I think you need to start working on taking your focus off of your ex. and stop worrying about what he is or is not doing for you and your children. It may take some before you get to have any real personal time of your own because you and your children have some major adjusting to do since it hasn't been that long since your divorce. I would suggest trying to get involved in group activities with your children that eventually will lead to them doing activities without you. If you are not part of a church, lots of churches have youth activities that may be of interest to your children. They can also give the support and guidance you need as you go through this transition. Your local Girl Scouts may be another option since they are both girls. I know you are angry because your husband seems to have "a life", but remember, what goes around comes around. Focus more on what you do have, less on what you don't, and, finding happiness for you and your girls. You have my prayers for the best.

You have been divorced not even a year. Give yourself time to heal, recover from the trauma, and give your daughters that time, too. Your situation is not unique. I have a friend who went through the exact same thing. She has one daughter. I am always angered when I hear of fathers who walk away from their families. All I can tell you is that you cannot make a man be a father to his children and, unfortunately, some men do not recognize their importance in being an active parent to their children. You cannot change that. But, you can do something to empower yourself.
1. Teach your children that life is not fair, but there is hope in all situations. Dad might be gone and absent from their lives, but someday, he might realize he made a mistake and try to make things right in their lives. We all must learn forgiveness at some point in our lives. Better to learn now, because it's really for our own peace and mental health. When he realizes his mistake, they can decide at that time how much they want him in their lives. Meanwhile, it's probably best that he's gone if he cannot stop hurting the family.
2. Teach your daughters that this is not their fault nor your fault. Sometimes, people choose activities that hurt not only themselves but the people they love. It is selfish, because they are only thinking about how good they feel in the moment and do not stop to think about the pain they cause. It is the same with addicitions, negative hobbies, disobedient behavior. Take this as a time to each them the importance of listening to advice when you are instructing them against activities that are harmful.
3. Teach your daughters that they cannot fix the problem. Not their job, not their duty. They cannot be smarter, prettier, more obedient, more whatever. Those are not the reasons Dad left.
4. Teach them that they are beautiful and you all deserve someone who is going to be totally connected to your family. You also must believe this. Infidelity has nothing to do with the person who is being hurt. Something is going on in your ex's life and mind that has caused him to believe that this new woman is going to fix everything for him. You cannot have been more beautiful, slimmer, smarter, wealthier, etc.
5. Do not force time with Dad. If he is hostile, he might take things out on them and then you'd have a whole new set of problems.
6. See if you can get help from his family, your family, and friends. Get over the embarrassment. You didn't do anything wrong. Do not be a victim; be victorious. No one deserves to live with someone who will not be true to her and flaunts negative behavior in front of the entire family. You deserve better. You deserve love. Let those who are around you love you. But, be mindful of your responsibility. In this day and age, we cannot be so complacent that we just blindly trust everyone when it comes to our children. Make sure your girls are excited about spending time with Grands, cousins, aunts, uncles, whatever support system you have.
7. Do not bring someone unrelated into the drama of this situation. Do not replace your husband before you and your daughters have had time to grieve it, heal from it, and press forward. Loss of a marriage is probably more traumatic than the death of the spouse, because death is final and, though tragic, it has a natural conclusion and we know we will not see that other person building a whole new life without us. Death of a marriage is painful, unexpected, and we believe avoidable, and can cause similar emotions. Go through your grieving process before dating again. You don't want to dump baggage onto someone who has no idea of your history and a new person cannot fix the pain your ex has caused.
8. If your ex remarries, teach the children to be polite and respectful to elders, but they do not have to give their love and trust. They have been betrayed. You have been betrayed. Trust is earned. They can love someone but they do not have to believe everything someone does or says. It's sad, because girls should be able to learn trust and love from their fathers, as well as security, confidence, and determination. You cannot change that, but you can give them an environment in which they are free to grow into confident young women by nurturing their good qualities, being honest, and being steady for them until they can learn to trust adults again. If, in the future, their "step" wants to build a quick relationship with them to make everything alright, teach your girls how to grow up quickly by responding from their heart. If they aren't ready, they should be ok to speak honestly. But, you cannot turn them into pawns by making them hate her, your ex, etc. This is a part of life. Your ex might have more children who will be their siblings. That's at least a few years out, but it's a possibility you might have to confront.
9. Have faith and hope in the love of God yourself and teach that to your daughters. Love yourself, so that they will see what it's like to respect and love yourself. And, loving yourself means taking time to rest sometimes. You are going to need help. And you will have to master your free time. If your daughters are older, you can take advantage of church, after-school programs, clubs, or private companies to keep them busy during your "me" time. Relatives who can be trusted can help you carve out a little "me" time while you recover financially. If your girls have friends they enjoy spending time with, let them visit, but not too much too soon. They are young, yet, and easily impressionable. You need time to monitor their moods shifts and behaviors, and they need some time to heal before feeling like they are being sent away.
It is only a suggestion. I am not a clinical psychologist, though I hope you are seeking some help from a service in your town. As I wrote before, you all have suffered a severe trauma, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I would seek out some counseling either through your church, a church, or a government office. Usually, there's free assistance in your community when situations like this happen. You'll need to restructure your finances, your schedules, everything. Do not try to be a "Superwoman" and do it all alone. That will make you prey to a man who might take advantage of you. Take time to heal and seek help from those who love you and those who are tasked with helping during times like this. Hope this helps.

Ask yourself if this selfish man is trying to pull you down or is he just being his selfish self? Be honest in your answer as this will greatly influence how you handle this situation. Sounds like he is just being himself and if it brings you down it's because you are letting it. You can't change his character. You already know that you are better off without him. I personally wouldn't give him the time of day much less pension but I guess you can't undo that (or can you?) Show your children that life goes on and happily at that. They are learning from you. Don't let them see that wallowing in grief or self-pity is the normal reaction. We adult women know that it often is the reaction we have but the children don't have to see this. Put your best face on it in their presence. If they are attitudinal when they visit him, the visit will not go so good at all. I am in a circle of good friends at church and we all have children. Plenty of sleepovers ensure that we all get time to ourselves. I know that not all people are members of a church but there are other organizations and groups out there. Go, make friends, become part of a circle of mothers with kids of similar age and have a marvelous life.

I was never married to my son's father, thank God, but was in a very simialr situation. My son is only 6, but since we have split, 2 1/2 years ago, he does the same stuff, call here and there, say he wants him, leaves him with his family, ect.. I do everything on my own. I found that asking around through your friends for sitters helps a lot. You don't feel bad going out, the teenagers want the money and your kids will love a "night to hang out" with the sitter that is. We call sitter game night at our house. About my son's father, like I said my son is only 6, but he clearly sees the difference in "our" lifestyle to his dad's. Last year he told his dad that he did not want to spend anymore time with him because he left him behind and would go out. I never butted in on what was done while he was with him, going on advice I had gotten, to let your child see what goes on and make their own decisions. Kids are a lot smarter then most give them creidt for. And at the age of 5, my son gave his father examples of what he did not like about when he was with him and how he wanted it to be. His dad has not called since then, but oh well. I've done it by myself even when we were "together". Like you said, I was the bread winner too. Enjoy your life, go out and don't feel bad. Just remember to never make what you don't like about your ex, what your children don't like. They'll see what you see, but in thier own time and thier own way. If you ever need to talk, know other people have been there too and just drop a line.

Hi D..
Skip the dad. Create your own life instead, you will probably do better without him anyway. Your kids seems to get hurt by the way he treats them AND he is - obviously, sucking out all he can from you when it comes to finances as well as self-confidence. You don't need him as a family, and the other gal he is shagging can he stay with. I would guess your family knew this would happen from the beginning and you went against their knowledge. Now are they tired of you and don't want anything to do with you or the kids.I might be wrong but thats my gut feeling. We have all been in similiar situations, with or without kids (me without kids 20 years ago, and with another guy). I think it's all about starting all over again.
Good luck,
L.