Depression in Teens

My boys lost their grandfather two years ago and it was very hard on them. My oldest, who took it the hardest was given a bracelet of his grandfathers and was told that Grandpa wanted him to have it. I notice he wears it once on a while. I think it helps him cope.
Perhaps they are afraid of something happening to you or their father. That weighs the heavey on kids as well.

I would also ask Tony if there is something he needs to tell you or talk to you about. Maybe something else is going on with him? How are his grades in school do you see a change there? I dealt with a very angry teen at one time too but his anger stemmed from something completely different than what I thought it was. You really need to find out what's going on with him.

Dear D.,
I know first hand how hard it is for adults to lose loved one's. I lost my Father and Mother within a two year period. My two children ages now 11 and 8. they didn't even know my parents, but my husbands mom passed away in 2002. My son Jeffrey was only 6 1/2 at the time and they were so very close. It really still to this day he will talk about Grandma. It just take's time and allot of talking about it. Time does help it just never heals. Just show allot of love to your children and let them know it doesn't hurt to cry and let things out. I as an adult have harder time's during the holidays and birthday's but you just have to keep going, as do your children. Children are different from adults and just always be there for them and hopefully time will help. From C..

This is a rough subject. I'm not sure if you are religious in any way, but maybe talking to your family Minister or Priest could help. Members of the clergy are good at discussing what happens after death and how to cope with losing someone you love. ( please take no offense if you are not religous. ) I know I lost my mother when I was 12, and I turned to my faith to help deal with it. Also maybe encourage your son to talk to his friends about his loses. He might find he's not alone. Anti-depressants seem to be good options when you're dealing with a chemical imbalance - but I don't feel they're good for short term issues. I've heard they do more harm than good.

Just letting your children know you are there for them - but also don't pressure the subject. Maybe he'll open uo when he's ready.

Good luck!

I would just say talk to him. Just talk to him about good memories of the departed and he may open up to you in time. It's a very difficult thing, death. And for teens ot's really hard. I dealt with alot of death when I was a teen, but just talking will help. And time. Good luck, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Too often, I think boys have the misconcepting that it is not okay to cry. Have you discussed with him that there are situations in life where even men cry. My cousin Wayne is going through something similar due to a death in our family. He has withdrawn into himself and does not even want to mention Jake's name any more. Have you tried asking him to write it down in a journal. Sometimes it helps just to think it through. If he is afraid that someone will read it, maybe you can burn it together when he his done. That way you are giving him an outlet for his grief and you are also letting him know that you support him by doing it with him.

Maria Shriver wrote a book about losing family. Something like "Heaven" or simular. It's small and geared for youth. Also for all of us. that movie or book "the Secret" is very positive about all thoughts in life. www.thesecret.tv
Good for anyone and Rhonda Burn wrote it after her depression years. After reading about positive thoughts. I reccommend it!

In this situation, I would put my foot down and insist that he go to counseling. The other(s) may not have been a good fit for him and that could be why he didn't like it. After a few sessions he may even begin to enjoy it.

Hi D.,

If he won't receive professional counseling, you may consider trying talking to a minister or priest. My husband when he was younger was terrified of dying, he wouldn't sleep for nights at a time. his parents chose to take him to a minister, and there they talked about how death is a part of life and about the grieving process. It's just an idea.

D., I have two children also - boy and girl - and their father was killed - he was a police officer. We did the counceling thing too and my son wasnt into it very much. I found that even when I thought he didnt like it or didnt want to go I still took him and this made a huge difference. I had to keep taking him back. Sometimes with therapy you dont see results right away...usually. It is a process...sometimes life long. My children were 3 and 5 when this happened and it has been almost 4 years. Recently my son has said he really liked counseling. I couldnt believe it. How long ago did you try the counseling thing? I would recommend he go back...try, try again. Also, because their dad was a police officer there were groups my kids joined and met other kids who were like them and go comfortable talking with those peers. There is a great place in Lansing for grief. It is called Ele's Place. It is a center for grieving children and adults....and I believe it's a free program/service. They have a great teen group there. We did their preschool program and it was wonderful! I highly recommend Ele's Place for you and your children! It's worth it! My kids now have a very 'healthy' view of death, what has happened to them and the skills to cope. Right now we are not in counseling anymore but I know that we will be back for our 'check ups' :) in the future....especially the teen years. Kids and teen handle grief differently than adults because they are still growing and in turn, their grief is a long process. My kids nor I have never been on meds, we just were very open about it all. My son didnt talk about it or ever cry for the first 3 years. This year he is opening up more. Just reassure him that you are always going to be there for him to talk to when he is ready. But I would really get him back into some kind of counseling. Sorry this is long winded...

I would also put my foot down on this issue. This child really needs professional help and unfortunately teenage boys are in a high risk category for suicide. Please make sure you remove any firearms from the house. This is not to say that your son is thinking this way, but why take a chance.

Explain that you realize that he doesn't want to speak with someone but that it's important. Offer him a few choices so he feels like he has control. For example- find a few counselors, preferrably male, and find out a few characteristics about each. Show him the list and let him choose. OR, you can let him choose between the two of you going together or him going alone. OR, you can bribe him. If he goes 5 times consecutively and participates in the session, he will get __________. (He gets to choose the prize which is negotiated ahead of time)

Does this give you any ideas??? Also, consider a different antidepressant. One may have made him feel funny, but it doesn't mean that another will. Also, he said the drug made him feel angry... What may have been happening is that it was lifting the depression enough for him to actually feel the pain that he felt when his Grandfather passed. Please seek professional help for both therapy and medication.

J.

Don't give up by just stopping the meds. There are so many medications out there that you need to just keep trying them. I know this is frustrating but I have suffered from depression myself and basically went through every one that they make. Don't force a therapist on him either because that will make it worse. I have a teenage daughter who I took to a counselor because her dad had been sick and the couselor was overweight, greasy, wiping a snotty nose etc. and she told me she didn't want to go back. But she does take medication that her pediatrician prescribes because the child psychiatrist wasn't much better than the therapist. I do feel that med's do help BUT it is very important never to stop them cold turkey as you must ween a person off of them, I would suggest you contact the doctor and maybe try a different kind. Hope this helps, I will keep you in my prayers.

Hi,

I don't really know much about this issue with teens but I have a 8 year old son and his brother died in September. All I can say is that I really think kids pick up the feelings of their parents. Without even realizing it because I always try to keep a happy face, the kids know when you are down or upset about the loss. I know with our family it has helped so much just talking about the good times and keeping a very open line of communication. I often will sit down with him and just tell him how I am feeling. I will just say in the middle of the day, "I miss my baby." I think my son knowing that I am feeling what he is feeling is comforting to him even though he doesn't talk about it all the time. Children grieve so differently than adults. Most of the time I think my son is doing great. Then out of the blue he is getting tears in his eyes or just being really quiet and he will tell you he is thinking about all the things he will never do with his brother.

I am so sorry for your losses.
Take care,
C.

Does he act sad, or have failing grades any times other than when he wants a hug? He might just be dealing with the greif in a way that is not obvious to us, as moms. Boys have some strong pride issues. I know that boys do not like to talk about their feelings much. And there are a few things you can do to help him open up. Boys like to keep their pride intact as much as possible. So, if you think he's sadder than he lets on, you might try acting a bit sad yourself, and ask him for a hug "to make you feel better." That way he gets the love and attention he needs more often, without having to swallow his pride. Also, you could try giving him a project that fits his personality, to help him keep his mind occupied when he needs to think. If he likes cars, you might see if he'd like building some of those scale models you can get at Walmart and stuff. Or if he likes art, get him a quality art kit, to let him channel some sadness into creative energy. Also, when it comes to ways to get him to talk it out, try to do something active with him. Maybe shoot some baskets, or go for a hike. While boys are active, they feel more relaxed about talking. Even at the age of 4, my son is way easier to talk to about stuff when we are out going for a walk in the woods. It's like they feel safer emotionally when they know you aren't just sitting there and seeing their emotions. It's like they can hide behind their physical activity. I'm not sure if he really is depressed, to the point of needing professional help. But these tips could help you determine if he is.

Hello Diane,

I am also a licensed provider and have 2 teenage boys, ages 13 and 15. Dec 29th 2006 we lost my FIL to Cancer of which was a 1 1/2 of watching him fade away. This was the only participating Grandparent my boys had. It took a huge toll on our family and my 13 yr old was failing in school etc. When he pasted my 13 yr old showed little emotion. Even before when we talked about it he would not cry. The Funeral etc he showed no emotion just looked sad. It wasn't till just recently when things were to much for him that he cried. Everyone handles death in their own way. I really think he just wasn't sure about his feelings and needed time. He has only cried once and is dealing with it in his own way. I am by no means a Dr.and this is just my opinion, but both my boys take meds for anxiety and my older son has Aspergers and has dealt with depression. If your son was grieving unless he showed serious signs of depression, I would not have medicated him. My oldest see's a therapist and she is younger and he loves seeing her. I don't know where you are located but if you are interested I can give you her information. She even has weekend hours. My son is very funny to who he talks to. I would first attempt therapy again before you do meds. Please feel free to contact me at ____@____.com