Depressed Teen Daughter

Sadly, my neighbor had her daughter (11) at the time admitted twice last school year. Once for about 2 weeks ,and the second time for about 6 weeks.

You need to have her evaluated. You can not do this alone. You see the signs, get her the help.

Good luck.

You need to get your daughter to a mental health professional TODAY!!

Cutting is not good.

I'm sorry you didn't continue with the psychologist. You need to find one who is willing to help your daughter - even if she is NOT interested. It is YOUR job to help her and guide her. This is one of those times where "free will" does NOT apply here. She is cutting herself. She needs help.

Family counseling will be a good thing to! Do NOT let your being scared hamper you from helping your daughter. It's not your job to be her friend right now. She NEEDS a parent.

Stop making excuses for her. Stop allowing your children to rule the roost. Cancer or not - your son should NOT be allowed to do as he pleases. So I can see her anger - you are making allowances for him because of his cancer.

Rules apply to EVERYONE in the house. Boundaries.
Stop yelling. I know it's hard. I KNOW it. However, you aren't "winning" when you yell. When she starts her antics - you MUST be the adult and say - "Jane. Enough. Breathe. We cannot discuss this when we are yelling at each other." Then MAINTAIN!!!

I hope your family gets help!!

um, no. she's 13, and this sounds like an ongoing problem. i cannot for the life of me understand allowing her to withdraw from psychological counseling that is probably desperately needed.
khairete
S.

Spend time with her. Schedule some "dates" with your daughter and give her all your focus. No 7-year old brother who had all of your attention for a year (and longer, since the "C Word" is always hovering in the background).

Consider the pain that cancer brings to a family dynamic and that your daughter, though she doesn't fully understand the root of her emotions, likely resents the pain and trauma her family has gone through due to her brother's illness. What was the family like before cancer? She can't have that back, and in her mind, it's his fault. Ouch.

At a minimum, just go and sit with her for 20 minutes every day. Ask about whatever she's doing or watching at the time. Don't make it awkward. Don't try to have some deep conversation, just BE with her, doing what she's doing, showing interest in her interests, and letting her know (without saying it) that you love and accept her just the way she is. She is a special person and a member of the family. She is needed and loved. Like I said, don't overdo it, or she'll be rolling her eyes and pull away. But DO spend that time with her....and pay attention when she's seeking your approval and acceptance in little ways. The number one thing that kids need is to know that they are accepted and they don't have to DO or BE anything other than exactly who they are. They don't have to "earn" your love.

I hope this helps.

Also, please do consider carefully searching for a counselor for her that she'll actually like. Sit down and talk with her candidly about finding someone she can talk with. Someone who isn't going to talk with you, but will help her to work out some of the anger and hurt she is feeling. Not because you think there's something wrong with her, but because you both want her to be happy. Let her know that whomever she talks to, if she decides that counselor doesn't click with her personality-wise, you'll find her a different one. Show her that you'll go the distance to help her heal what's hurting.

Love to your family at this time. God bless.

You need to get her evaluated and in a doctors care today. St least make he appointment. Call her last Psychologist and make another appointment. 2 times and giving up? That is not what she needs. She needs to know you are not going to "let her quit" because she is too important to let her be in this much pain.

And mom, no matter how hard she fights this help, YOU cannot back down or give up. Imagine this is her "Cancer" remember how hard you all fought to make sure your son would be healed? That is what it will take for this daughter. She is not seeking attention, she is screaming for help.

It could be that she has a chemical imbalance that is causing her to not be able to handle her emotions. No amount of talk therapy can heal this, it will take medication to get her balanced out. Her mind is racing and she is assuming things are happening, but not seeing that she is over reacting. You cannot just ask her, "why do you do this, Why are you so upset and angry?" These are questions that she cannot answer because her brain is in overdrive right now.

It is obvious she is doing all of this because she his begging for help. She is desperate and does not know how to get herself back on track and if she is like me, she is hating this feeling and is embarrassed that she cannot control herself.

I am sending you strength.

Your daughter needs professional help and possibly medication. There is nothing shameful or wrong about medication. Find a new psychologist or psychiatrist, see several until you find the right one if necessary. Seek family therapy as well as individual.

If she's hurting herself or possibly others, she may need hospitalization. Don't just assume she'll grow out of it. If she had something wrong with her leg, you would take her to the doctor and get her medication and treatment. You should do the same for her brain.

You know sometimes you just don't click with a therapist. Not every professional is a good fit for you. It works that way in physicians and it works that way in therapists. You had 2 sessions and threw in the towel. Don't. Find another therapist and start over.If that doesn't help find another one and start again. A lot of people show depression as anger and unless you stop it now you won't have peace in your household. Your younger children deserve to grow up in a loving house not a battlefield trying to step around the invisible mine field you daughter has set up.

I'm going to be very honest here okay?

She needs to go inpatient for a while.

WHY? Because you allow her to make choices she should not be making...like deciding if she goes to counseling or not. That's not her choice. That's the adults choice. You make her get in the car, you take her to that office, you boot her out of the car and let them know she's fighting you.

If she doesn't go or runs off you call the police and tell them she is a danger to herself and you're requesting they pick her up.

She is a danger to herself because she's cutting herself. She's a danger to your household because she's openly hostile to a little kid.

She needs to be evaluated in a place where they will knowingly push all her buttons and irritate her until she explodes time and time again. Until they see every little bit of the inside of her and can put her on meds to help her get better. It will take time. Most facilities that are worth anything keep patients at least a couple of months. This way they see them just like you see them. At their worst. They push them to see if there is worse in there too.

This is how they get to the root of the problem and see what's going on. They see the triggers, the results, and the deep dark stuff she hides from you and even to some extent hides it from herself too.

Pick one that will push her and keep her longer. Not only does your family need the break from her violence they need to keep her long enough to get past the "My family is crazy and they make me crazy, it's all their fault. See I am fine here when I'm away from them". It's called the Honeymoon Phase. All kids go through it when they're trying to make a good impression on someone.

Get her butt back to the doctor today. Better yet, get her inpatient treatment. She does NOTmake those decisions. You do. I don't care if she just sits there every session for a year, she goes every time.

You need to get control of your family. Family counseling TODAY.

YOU sound depressed but I'm not sure that's what's going on with your daughter.
You've been posting about your family issues for several years now (at least 2 years).
Family counseling/therapy is what everyone keeps recommending but it doesn't sound like anything is getting any better.
If the counseling / psychologist(s) isn't/aren't working it might be time to talk to a psychiatrist and think about meds.
She's cutting and scarring herself and flies into rages - it sounds like it could be more than depression - she might have a mental illness so have her evaluated/diagnosed.
You talk to the doctor about your own stress and depression and see about taking care of that.
We mothers so often take care of everyone around us and end up neglecting ourselves.

You write: "I've yelled, talked, punished..."

As of today -- stop the punishing and focus on positive reinforcement. Do something fun with just the two of you. Do this at least once a week.

Even though it's difficult when kids annoy you, you need to try to suppress ALL negative comments and seriously ramp up the positive ones.

Remember this phrase: Catch her doing right.

She probably won't like her brother for a long time. As long as she treats him reasonably well, let it go.

She has TOLD you that in her opinion "he never does anything wrong," so you have a clue there as to why she acts as she does.

Positive attention to your daughter, now.

There may be more to it, so professional help may be needed, but you MUST also do the above.

You may need to try another professional. Sometimes you have to keep trying til you find one that clicks. Her school counselor may have a suggestion for someone good with teens. And then, it may take more than one or two sessions to draw her out. A good therapist, IMO, will be patient if the patient needs it.

You say she is mean toward her brother. Could it be latent jealousy? Illnesses like cancer don't happen in a vacuum and maybe she is jealous of the time and attention he received or continues to receive. Has she been asked to do things differently or give him leeway because of his illness? Her perception may not match yours, but it may also be something to talk to her about. What does she think is unfair? And why. Listen. Really listen.

When did the stepsis join the family and when the sister is there, does that push your DD out of the big sister role? Is DD left confused about her place in the family? Or, as others suggested, is this something where her body chemistry is out of balance and she needs medication to balance her out?

These are all things to discuss in counseling. You may also want to consider family counseling to help you reconnect with your daughter.

I would suggest going back to counseling, and keep trying until she finds one she feels comfortable with. When I was 13 I was raped, the first therapist we tried I refused to open up to, and so we gave up. Looking back I wish my parents had kept trying rather then just letting it all drop, I felt very alone.

Find a therapist she can talk to. You can ask at her school for a recommendation or talk to other moms for recommendations or ask at your church. Keep trying different therapists until you find one she can relate to / one she connects with and feels comfortable with. And make sure she knows whatever she tells the therapist is between her and the therapist - the therapist cannot tell you without your daughter's consent. Most importantly love her. I know you do, but let her feel loved. Spend some quality time with just her. Her actions toward her brother seem like she is jealous of all the attention he received because of his cancer (seems strange, but it happens) and she was scared for him but did not know how to process it. Listen to your mom instinct. God Bless!