Depressed at Thanksgiving

Stop being resentful and blaming your husband because it is his parent's year to host Thanksgiving dinner. You can make this all happen - you are only 20 minutes apart from both families. Talk to each family and ask them to schedule their holiday meal several hours apart so that you can participate in both of them. It is not like you request special favors every year. If one schedules dinner at 12- 1 and the other schedules dinner from 4- 5 you could eat both meals (or at least one and join the other for dessert. Are your sibling's staying over since they are traveling from a distance?? then also schedule some time with them the following day-invite them to your home or visit at your parent's again. Be realistic in your expectations for Thanksgiving- if you have been depressed all year, you probably don't need a big let down.

Are they in town for the weekend or just for one day? Have TWO Thanksgivings! :) Would that help a little? If not, take two cars and split off early. Your husband can tell his mom that your siblings are both in town and you want to spend part of Thanksgiving dinner with them.

The bitterness and annoyingness of the thoughtlessness of the other side of the family is another issue and should be dealt with at a NON-holiday time - too much stress and baggage to have a calm discussion.

Take care and enjoy.

I think.... you SHOULD be able to be with your family.
AND your Husband... has to let go of his rigidity....
HE is their Son-In-Law TOO... and he has a duty to them too....

Exceptions... needs to be made.

SHOW your Husband... your posting and all the responses you get back.

Sorry, but only having 'dessert' with your Family IF there is time, per your Husband... is not good enough.

Your In-Laws... are rude.... and selfish...

MY Husband... would understand.... even if he is quite traditional.

And frankly, bluntly... I would be pissed... if my Husband prevented me from seeing my family/siblings... and only offered me to see them only for dessert IF there is time...
Geez.
AND... HE needs to show face too... to your Family's Thanksgiving.... that is his "Duty" too... as a Son-In-Law. If not... and he doesn't show up... that is real rude, to your family... too.

Frankly, if I were one of your siblings... and you hardly saw me otherwise... and "your" Husband said you cannot be with them at Thanksgiving and only MAYBE for "dessert"... I would not like your Husband....

As you said... your Siblings... are RARELY in town or able to come.
THIS year, your Husband needs to make an exception.
AND besides... he should NOT be dictating this.... it is a JOINT compromise.... and I would think he can make the 'loving' choice to compromise...
He is your Husband... it means a lot to you... and he is not a child... his first priority... should be to you... for you.... to see... that this year is an exception...

The Holidays are special... and it is for you since your Siblings will be there... so, that in itself... MEANS that you SHOULD be with them... and your Husband... should stop being a stick in the mud.... or a Mommy/Daddy's Boy.
If your In-Laws cannot understand your needing to be with your Family... then that is their tough luck. You... have a family too. It is not a monopoly.
And THEY SHOULD BE... respectful of your family too... that is PROPER manners.... to show respect... to their Son's In-Laws too...

And besides, your Mom... is hosting your family's Thanksgiving... you SHOULD be there... too. And with your children... your family AND Siblings deserve to see them TOO. Since they are not often able to come.

And as you said... your In-Laws are the types that only go by their schedules or their kids. They change things at the last minute and expect you/your family to change your plans at that last minute. That... does not seem like they will, willingly... work with your schedule or your family's timing of Thanksgiving meal....

all the best,
Susan

I'd say it's time for a flexible Thanksgiving this year! Bring two cars and scoot over to your parent's house at some point. All your MIL needs to know is that your out-of-town family is here and you're going to see them! :) Good luck.

Oh things shouldn't be so strict in life... being as you have been depressed.. do this.. have your hubby go to his parents and you go to yours... then one of you leave and go to the other's for dessert... let's say you.. since you are the one changing up the plan.. that would be a compromise.. have dinner at your parents and go to hubby's family for dessert. this way you are assured of getting to see all of your family..Also, any way to combine the entire family.. his fam and yours?? I love big get togethers... the more the merrier..

Just try honesty. Since you are already depressed this will not help at all to be resentful and ungrateful for what ever support your husbands family gives you.
It is not at all uncommon for a husband to go one place and wife another for something this special.
You may find your mother in law very supportive of seeing your family.
I happen to live within 20 minuets of 4 siblings and we only get together on very special times since we are all so busy with life and our family needs so I guess I do not understand that part of your concern.
Having spent some time in the dark halls of depession I hope you are able to give some thought to the fact that your entire family is dealing with your depression and your husband may need this to take care of himself. So just talk to your husband and maybe his mother and be kind and honest and say that for this special time you have a real need to be with your family. But don't expect your husband to do so. Good Luck and be good to yourself.

Since your husband's family is local, it seems cruel for your husband to insist on going to his parents for Thanksgiving. Life isn't fair, and some years you will not be able to alternate, like this one. Your husband should explain to his parents that your siblings are in town this year and you haven't seen them in a long time. I think you should go to your family's for the meal and maybe his family's for dessert - or - the meal and dessert at your family. You can spend Christmas with your inlaws! I think your husband is the one who is being childish.

I don't have much advise for you other then hang in there and try to get together with everyone if you can and enjoy all the family. I'm not looking forward to any of the holidays my self. We found out my dad has cancer back in April and now my mom is going in for surgery on Dec 1st too. I have a 3 and a half year old and a 8 year old thank God they keep me going! I am staying focused on being thankful. I hope everything works out for you. I have anxiety too it stinks because what your going through set's it off I'm sure.

If it makes you feel any better I am spending Thanksgiving with my Ex and his family who are coming in town. And I have to play hostess and haul them around and amuse them for one of the days next week.

Yeah, I know, not helping...

Anyhoo, I agree with the suggestion to see if you can't switch holidays. Or at least get your hubby to commit to compromise and leave his family's early to go to yours. If it is rare that your whole family is together then I really think that takes precedent over his local family.

Or, can you take two cars to his family's house and you split off early to go to yours?

Whatever happens, know that you can see them Wednesday night and Friday morning and don't let it ruin your holiday. You have a lot to be thankful for.

Go see your siblings! Would it be so bad to split up this year? There have been years we have done that to make things easier on each other. It didn't bother either one of us to be apart, heck we're together ALL of the time. Don't worry about his family, if they are resentful, then they don't deserve to have you there in the first place. It's okay to change things up for YOURSELF - it's really okay... In the big picture, you need to see your siblings instead of appeasing your in-laws. As a future in-law (many years away) I wouldn't dream of asking my DIL to not see family members that she hasn't seen in along time especially if I live close and they don't.

I'll bet hubby would prefer accomodating your seeing your family all in one place for a couple hours than he would have you dashing off on separate occasions to get 1:1 time with them each separately :)

Well if your family is in town won't they be there for a few days after thanksgiving? Why don't you spend the day with them on Friday? Make a whole day out of it and invent new meals out of the left overs, bake, watch movies, shop. My family used to take all of our leftovers in the motorhome and head to the mountains for the day. We would cut down Christmas trees and then enjoy a nice lunch together. When we got home we would all drink hot coco and decorate my grandparents tree together. It was some of my fondest memories. I believe people get to hung up on the date. Is it really that big of a deal that you wont have dinner with them on the 25th? Isn't it about spending time and being thankful for one another. Do yourself a favor and save yourself the stress. You will be so looking forward to Friday that Thrusday will seem to fly by. I hope you have a blast and maybe create a new family tradition

Holidays never EVER go the way we think they ought to... any of us. But we can decide to make them good holidays anyhow.

You already know this, but you can be thankful (at Thanksgiving) that you have relatives to visit. We will never be able to visit my FIL again... or either of my parents.

Go ahead and stick to the plan, but call your family the night before Thanksgiving and have a really good, long conversation. Let them know how much you love them and that you're sorry you won't be there this year, but next year will come soon.

Then go ahead and see your in-laws. It could be that you will be a blessing to them in some way. From what you write, it sounds as if they need one.

I feel for you. I think I would simply ask my husband if he would mind terribly if I spent a few hours at my parents home visiting with my siblings. I know my husband would be okay with it. Hopefully yours will too, especially since his family is all close and you can visit them any time. If you don't think that will fly, perhaps meet your siblings for breakfast, or host a thanksgiving breakfast at your home. Also, if they're not leaving Thursday night, maybe you can do something on Friday. I know it's going to be hard, but I would wait until after sex, when my husband is feeling really good, and then I would talk to him about it. I find I get my way a lot if I ask right after sex!

I think your hubby should be more understanding to your family situation. Your family hardly comes to town--this won't happen again for a very long time. You should be with your family. Especially because of your circumstances and that his family will change plans at the drop of a hat. Why don't you go to your family dinner first, then go to his for desert. I think thats fair. Good luck-- but stick to your guns....this is something I don't think you can just get over. find a compromise.

M

I haven't read the other answers yet.
It seems to me that, since your inlaws often change plans
without much warning, and that you miss your parents and your siblings,
I think you should go to your parents' home and then do dessert
(or whatever) with the inlaws.
Especially since the two homes are relatively close together.
Good luck!!

Sorry to hear that. It's so hard to be away from your family. Can you just make an appearance at the in-law, eat a little, and go to your family's dinner? Maybe your husband could meet you there a little later. I know of married couples who each go to their own family's for Thanksgiving. I don't do that, but I don't think it's a completely horrible idea.
All 4 of my siblings are far away. I know how hard that is. :( I won't be seeing them for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't miss that chance to at least see your family for a little bit.

you need to find a way to make sure you and your husband can be happy with the result. That means make a date, tell him what you want to discuss, then know what you want going in. Agreements sound good and fair (like alternating holidays with families), untill you strat executing them. And this year is one of those that doesn't fit the mold. Be fair to yourself and the family you and your husband have made FIRST. That's who you live with, love and have to protect from resentment. Most likely you will upset someone else in this, but you need to keep your family secure stable and safe.

That said, think about wether the actual day is important or is just seeing your family important. Can you get together the day after? Can you go for dessert by yourself to keep the kids and your husband with you MIL? Can you ask your MIL to understand that your family is having a special holiday this year and you need to be there (I can't do this with my MIL - she wanted us travelling on Christmas day one year so that we could be "fair between the families", we didn't go and travelled the day after Christmas).

Figure out what is most important to you, then fight for it. I've been there with depression, overwhelming demands by family and much else, but have learned to discover what I want first and to hold onto that as my goal. I know that it seems hard to do, but it will make your life so much less stressful for you and easier to live with afterwards.

Good luck!

S.

It sounds like you could have time to do both in the same day!

It's a good thing his parents live in town. I was thinking they lived in another state. I would feel the exact same way you do. I hope that you were able to go see your family. He should understand your situation. Let us know how it went.

I agree with Lesley.
It sounds like your husband doesn't want to switch years, so just go early to his side. Then plan on heading over to your side in the late afternoon. Our family has the big meal for a late lunch, then everyone just grazes and makes sandwiches, etc for dinner whenever they feel hungry again. That "after" time is the most fun anyway! We all sit around and talk. Gossip. Laugh. The kids run off outside to play. And eventually someone gets up a game of some sort: Yahtzee, Scattergories, Pictionary, Catchphrase.. something that lots of people can play or do teams to play. We sometimes are up until midnight hanging out, munching, have the 2nd round of dessert, sipping wine, etc. So, I would try to do hubby's family first, then leave yourself (selves) wide open to hang out as late as you want with YOUR family...

Can your family and his family do one big huge family dinner? I don't think you should not get to see yours just b/c of some silly schedule. Things happen. Plans change. I would be depressed too knowing my entire family was going to be here just this once and I had to miss it.

We usually have a Thanksgiving lunch (around 1:00) with my side of the family and a Thanksgiving dinner (around 7:00) with my husband's side of the family. Why don't you ask your in-laws what time they prefer, and then ask your parents to host at the other time? That way you don't have to choose and no one feels left out or hurt. If they don't want to do that, perhaps you can combine your families and have one big Thanksgiving.

Are you all in the same city? When we are in my hometown, we have lunch at one grandma's, my mom's mom, then dinner at my other grandma's, my dad's mom. It works out so we can see everyone and is very nice. We go to the earlier grandma's in the morning and hang out until 1:30 when we go back to the other grandmas (we stay there when we're in town) for naptime, and hang out with the other relatives until 8ish at night. It works out really well for us.

Perhaps you could do something like this where you go to his mom's for lunch and your mom's for dinner?

Oh my gosh I know how hard it is. I did not get to spend Thanksgiving with either of my children this year. My son just got married a week ago in another town and my other son moved to be there. We went to see a half sister in another town as planned, but didn't know that everyone's plans would change. I am hurting, too, but in your case I think that you are close and if you drive, :I hope you were able to take yourself to see them. And since you are fair and reasonable your husband sounds like he was probably able to work it out with you., Please let us know what happened.

I would just let your mil know that your siblings are there and it's rare and all..... if she is a good mil she will tell you "Honey, go visit your momma and family"...
My mil knows my mom lost her husband this year and she called us and told us to please skip her this year and go to my mother's... very thoughtful of her.
Does you mil know your situation? Just tell her. And 20 minutes is not a bad drive, cant you just go alone for a few hours and come back?

It sounds like his parents take advantage of their son's loyalty to them. If they feel they can cancel and reschedule on a hair's notice, then I wouldn't always accommodate them. Sometimes you have to respectfully push back. It also sounds like his family isn't close-knit and only use the holiday as an excuse to unite, then they are distant. That's not genuine. So, either it's going to be alternating years, or YOU CAN SIMPLY SAY, HONEY THIS YEAR, LET'S STAY HOME, OR LET'S DO XYZ AND LEAVE IT TO HIM TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HIS inconsiderate parents.

Will your family be in town long enough that you could all get together on another day? I'm not even suggesting that you change the Thanskgiving dinner to another day, but you could have another type of get-together that would at least let you be with all of them.
One thing that was done in my family as a child was that on one year we'd have Thanksgiving for my mother's siblings at our house (the largest house in the family), and that year we'd get together for Christmas on the Sunday nearest Christmas day. The following year we'd switch, having our Thanksgiving on either the Sunday prior to or the Sunday after, and have Christmas together on Christmas day. That allowed all of her siblings to go to their spouses relatives on the opposite day each year. If something came up like your situation, we simply acknowledged that there was a conflict and adjusted so that the sibling with the issue was able to come to our house for part of the day and to the other family for the rest of the day.
I do understand your feelings, as we haven't been able yet to establish a good compromise with our children and the families of their spouses. This means that this year my husband and I will be having our Thanksgiving dinner at our son's house, then we'll have dessert at our house with our daughter's family. Even though we'll get to be with both of our kids, I'm bummed out that we won't have both of them together with their children at the same time. I know it's rather petty of me to feel that way, since we see the kids all the time on a regular basis (we are the caregivers for the grandchildren) but I still have to fight that feeling.

I do not like the one year, next year thing. It is better to do brunch/lunch with one family and dinner/dessert with the other.

One year may be the last year for an older relative or a sick relative.

Yes I say since your family is in town and you don't get to see them often you should have dinner there! If his family lives in town, maybe you can have a make up Thanksgiving dinner that weekend. YOU could even host the dinner. I hope your husband is understanding. I would have a hard time being happy when I knew my family who I hardly see was 20 minutes away and I wouldn't see them that day. Talk to your husband and plead your case again. Happy Thanksgiving.

But this is what you agreed to. If you change your mind this year, then you will be acting just like they do. Go to their house pretty early that day so you will be able to spend ample time with them. Let them know today, that you will be leaving somewhat early that day to have dessert with your family. I don't see there being a problem with that. What his brother does, doesn't matter here, so I wouldn't even bring that up.

I agree with Stephanie. Is there any way you could facilitate one large family gathering? My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we lived together for two before that. For the first few years we tried to go to both parents homes. They only live 15-20 mins apart, but it was exhausting. So I said, "I can't do it any more." We decided at that point that my MIL would get Thanksgiving and my family got us for Christmas. From year to year things adjust a bit. There have been two or three Thanksgivings when my family joined the big group at my in-laws and times when family came to us for Christmas eve, etc.

But what seemed important to me is that I determined that it was too much for me. I talked to my mother and mother-in-law and explained how I felt and why we decided on who got which holiday (the in-laws always had a large family reunion type gathering for Thanksgiving). The moms were understanding and it hasn't been an issue since.

Speak to the moms directly from your heart. Ask them to understand and help you work it out. You might be surprised with the results.

My husband and I always stuck to a strick alternating holiday schedule with his family and mine. Things come up and causes changes, try and be flexible. One year my sister had a baby and we decided to change our schedule so we could celebrate with them.
Can you spend Thangiving with your side of the family since your family is in from out of town and then have Christmas this his. Or can you just settle for seeing your siblings the day before and after Thanksgiving if they are in town for a long weekend.

Why don't you just spend the day with your family and let your husband spend the day with his. I know it's not the best solution since I'm sure you'd like to have your husband, but you rarely get to see your siblings and you might just have to switch things up a bit this year.
I alternate holidays with my ex, but there have been times when someone special was going to be in town and we changed or figured out how to split the day so everyone can be happy.
You live near your in-laws so it's not like you don't have the opportunity to see them often. You don't have that opportunity with your siblings.
My sister moved away and it's been really hard on both of us. We are so used to having holidays together. My mom had to go in the hospital a couple weeks ago and it was fine for my son to stay with me so he could go to the hospital and also spend some time with my sister. My ex had no problem with it. It's not like those things happen all the time.
Anyway, I personally don't think things have to be so carved in stone that you have to miss a holiday with your sibs. I would hope your husband and his parents would be understanding.
It's so hard unless everyone decides to be all together under one roof and I do know lots of families who do that. Both sets of grandparents, the kids and grandkids.
If that's not possible, I'm sure you can find a compromise that won't get everyone bent out of shape. Sometimes you just have to get creative. It really doesn't have to be "all or nothing".

Best wishes.

I hope you went to your family's house.

Maybe you could host it at your house and have both families over....