Delayed Gratification

that's not even delayed gratification. that's simply taking a breath. rushing around diving face-first into everything we want the second we want it is becoming a way of life in this country, but that doesn't mean it's good.
khairete
S.

All the parents I know including myself, do this too. And when I was a child, this was done to me too. And with my own kids, I do that too. However, it is not static.
But I don't say I am practicing delayed gratification. I just think of it as parenting.

I think that not teaching kids to delay gratification leads to a sense of entitlement and grandiosity. It sounds like you have a great balance of letting them know that their needs/wants are going to be met vs. asking them to learn waiting. Way to go--you are a great role model!

I'm all for rules and schedules and what-not but I am far from a control freak. I cannot imagine Christmas morning, or any other holiday, being so rigid in my home. We celebrate every holiday with tradition, great food, family, friends and fun! But bed-times, no candy/dessert rules and you must do such and such before you have a complete meal just don't happen. I do not believe b/c of this I am raising "spoiled brats".

ETA: And I am far too busy teaching them the true meaning of Christmas and Easter to be teaching them that they must eat a complete, healthy meal before opening gifts or their Easter stuff.
And since today is Halloween I let my 4 y/o eat a rice krispie treat for breakfast....uh-oh, I am sure I have permanently damaged my child.

I think what you do is great!

I also make the kids wait until they get home to sort the candy, and they don't get to eat handful after handful that night!

We do open gifts right away on Christmas, but that is probably because I am the most excited to see them open their gifts and I don't delay my own gratification.

Bottom line, I notice I am in the HUGE minority with the way I raise my kids, everything from not allowing them soda except for non-caffeine on a night out to eat for example, all the way to not allowing them to eat the candy until they get home to sort it. If my kids want something to eat, they must ask, they don't just get to go into the cabinet and devour 50 pringles and a soda. My kids are expected to sit at the dinner table until everyone is finshed eating. I also notice my kids are far happier, better behaved and healthier than the majority of the kids whose parents don't practice what we do.

There is a nice balance in our home, in my opinion. You know what works in yours.

I say you are a fantastic mama. Your kids know boundaries and still get to have a blast. Way to go.

Why do you think most American households carry so much credit card debt? Because we are a society where most everyone HAS to have it NOW!! If they don't mind being a slave to their job because they are paying for today's purchases with tomorrow's money than don't complain about it.

I'd rather my children learn to appreciate what they have and that patience is a virtue. Don't worry about what everyone else does.

I am a "do what ever you want, fly by the seat of your pants, eat till you puke, or not, rot your teeth, rip em open, crazy mess and I dont care" kind of mom on those 3 days of the year. Oh, yeah and birthdays. The rest of the time I am just good ole mom with rules and regulations. Nothing to say about gratification.

There is a balance.

My children don't say "give me". Do they "want" things? Heck yeah. Do they get it the minute they say "oooh man - I really want that??" no. We have taught our children patience - in your book/words - delayed gratification.

Dessert is served AFTER everyone is finished eating dinner. We don't get up from the table and do something else to come back to the table. It's part of our dinner and really? my kids aren't really "in to" dessert.

Christmas - I fix cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate - then we open presents and eat and drink...celebrating the birth of Christ!

Easter - we might allow one piece of candy - before breakfast - but we have an Easter Egg hunt with plastic eggs with goodies inside....and one "golden egg"....

Children DO NOT need every toy under the sun. They NEED love, guidance, shown the difference between right and wrong, borders set. if my kids were to EVER pitch a fit for an item? we would leave the store and they don't get what they "want".

They EARN what they want. They GET what they NEED. Difference in our home? NEED is survival - food, water, clothes, housing, love, guidance. When they EARN what they WANT - they appreciate it more.

YOU GO MAMA!!!

Aside from Christmas gifts that isn't delayed gratification that is common sense. Of course you eat a meal before dessert or candy. Of course you don't get random gifts during the year. That isn't delayed gratification.

Now making them eat breakfast before opening Christmas gifts doesn't make any sense? Will they starve themselves just because they have new things to play with? What is the point? I don't think it enhances the pleasure at all it just takes away from any pleasure of eating.

Doing something just to say I do this doesn't make sense and I don't really think kids get anything out of it, you do.

My kids open their presents straight off on Christmas morning. Since they have already ate dinner when they trick or treat they can sneak a bite here and there. I can assure you that spoiled brat is the last thing that would come to mind in you met my kids! You don't have to train kids like a dog to get good kids.
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I have to add the whole time I read this I was reminded of dog training. See to test how much control you have over a dog you can balance a treat on their nose. They will sit there till you say take. Regardless of whether I taught her that trick she was still a good and well trained dog, ya know? Pretty sure you could teach a dog nothing but that trick, doesn't make them a well trained dog, they just know that one trick.

I guess I am saying your kids doing tricks a few times a year doesn't determine whether they are good kids or not, that takes all 365.

We do delayed gratification too. Not quite to the extent you do, but we still do it.

If my kids wanted and expensive toy, I would tell them that if they would save their money, I would match what they had saved so they could get the toy sooner.

They had to wait to go looking for what the Easter Bunny left. The little kids got to go first, then the middle two than the oldest 3. That way everyone got a chance to find some eggs. They waited to go do lots of things. We talked about a trip to disney world. They had to wait six months for that. I got 4 first class tickets because of my frequent flier miles. So I told my kids that the two best behaved kids who did their jobs the best would get to ride first class with mom and dad. Boy, that was a huge carrot. One of the best behavioral ideas I ever had.

Good luck to you and yours.

I find it sad that you feel like you have to justify your own values just because some don't agree with your approach to parenting.

I've honestly not heard it referred to as delayed gratification which is why I clicked on the topic. =)

We parent very similarly because we feel it's teaching our children responsibility, patience and appreciation for the things they have.

I do the opposite of everything you said on the holidays. On a regular day to day basis my kids are not just handed everything they want, we eat as a family, they have small chores and responsibilities, they're expected to be polite and treat others respectfully, on and on and on. I guess I believe in "letting loose" around the holidays and I'm not even sure I would call it that. Your comment, "sadly for the ones who don't, the kids seem like spoiled brats."... must be the company you're keeping because my kids are FAR from spoiled brats and the same goes for their friends whose parent's do the same as me. To each his/her own but my honest reaction to reading your post is that I do feel a little bit sorry for your kids.

I did/do the same thing.
I was raised the same way.

Christmas morning we could open our stockings, but no presents until after breakfast. I did the same thing with my son. Heck, he is 16 now and we still do it this way.
Easter - yep, food, family, then candy.
Halloween, when he was little I would stash a candy or two from home in my pocket for him to eat while we were out but no "outside" candy until we got home and went through it.

Also Easter and Halloween candy are "rationed" post holiday :)

Big presents - same thing - birthday or Christmas. Oh, I will get him little things throughout the year, but i am parsimonious about it.

I never called it delayed gratification - I just called it raising a child and teaching them responsibility. LOL

Sherri, sometimes on this board a mama will post a question and innocently use what other mamas will read as a DEAL BREAKER term--in this instance, for some it was 'delayed gratification'. I think those moms are over reacters and will fixate on the deal breaker without answering the question --because they are fixated on a term that you merely used in order to get your question asked.

I agree with your parenting as do most of the mamas here. Read these responses and continue helping all of us to live in the society in harmony with you and your well adjusted children.

I would say that I do a little of this...but I don't think it's delayed gratification. More in line with common sense.

No we don't eat breakfast before we open gifts. We generally don't eat breakfast early anyway so it would be weird for us. It's usually more of a brunch on the weekends or holidays. Every year my husband says "my mom used to take a shower, get dressed, fix her her...before we could open gifts. I don't want to do that to my kids!" We do open slowly and go from youngest to oldest, one by one so we can all enjoy watching.

So we don't. They do have to wait until we are home before eating Halloween candy. They only get one or two pieced a day for about a week then they forget about it.

Birthdays are hit and miss. Unless it's a party you have to wait to open the gifts/cards sent via mail until the day of your birthday. Once it's that day...all is fair! Everyone just has to be there when you do open.

And I don't have spoiled brats, because on those special days the rules can go out the window. We don't run out an buy our kids whatever they want. We are much into dessert, so when we do we have been known to let them have it before dinner. GASP!

Many of my favorite memories were when my mom let the "rules" go out the window...I say once in while it's fun to lighten up and watch.

Well, on an everyday basis I'm a lot like you. They don't get everything they want, when they want it, that's for sure.
But Christmas, Halloween, Easter?
Those are really fun and more importantly, RELAXED days for us.
I absolutely love the Christmas morning mess (and I am a VERY tidy and organized person!) We stay in our PJ's half the day, and there is nothing formal about it. I don't even cook a meal (because we have a large family dinner on Christmas Eve) so we just forage for leftovers and eat lots of cookies and whatever other treats are around. Same thing with Easter and Halloween. I don't care if my kids gorge on candy because it's not something we normally have around, it's a TREAT.
I don't think relaxing the rules a few days a year makes for spoiled, bratty kids. It's the rules and expectations they experience MOST of the time that build their character.
Besides, it's fun for ME too, I like taking off my "mom hat" once in a while!
ETA: just for the record, my kids have never gotten sick from eating too much candy...

I agree 100% with what you do. And we do it too.

We're not mean, we're SENSIBLE. We're teaching kids about CARING for other individuals other than ourselves. We're teaching them to make good choices in the midst of excitement.

Every time we've ever let our child just "go crazy" with the idea that she's a child and should be allowed to "go crazy" now and then, it's turned into disaster.

We didn't monitor how much Halloween candy she ate one year. We were at Grandma's, and Grandma said "Oh, just let her eat whatever, it's Halloween."

Well, she puked on grandma's rug! Then cried. And was up all night with a stomach ace so WE didn't get any sleep. Lesson learned by all! What does she remember about that Halloween? She always says "That was a terrible Halloween. It's the one where I got sick and puked." We did not help her make good memories by letting her run wild!

On Christmas at Grandma's we weren't watching close enough and she opened a gift marked "To my daughter" without looking at the "From" section. Easy mistake. She ended up opening her Aunt's big gift by mistake. She was all excited, thinking it was her's (an iPhone) and then CRIED when she found out it wasn't. And Grandma didn't get to see her daughter's face when she opened the BIG surprise gift. Lesson learned! Be more organized on Christmas.

Whenever we let the kids run a little wild, SOMEONE comes back with an injury. So we put in some rules.

I think organization is a good thing. It keeps things moving, it keeps feelings from being hurt and it prevents disasters. Being over-organized can ruin the fun, but I don't think that's what you're doing.

Putting freedom within the boundaries is the best way to ensure that everyone has a good time, and everyone has a positive outcome.

I remember the excitement of Christmas. I remember eating a very special breakfast, while stealing glances at the Christmas tree with the presents underneath and the Christmas music playing softly in the background. Those memories are special, made so by anticipation.

Keep up the good work mama!

I do things in a very similar way.

On Christmas, they can have their stockings when they wake, and look at the tree, but presents aren't opened until after breakfast (and this year, probably after church).

On Halloween, I do it the same as you do. But for a different reason. I want to go through the candy with them so I can get my Candy Tax. :-)

On Easter, they can have their baskets when they wake, like their Christmas stockings...but you have me considering having them wait until after church. :-)

If they want something, they have to save for it or wait, though sometimes I do a little surprise treat. The do chores and earn and can spend part of their earnings, but 20% of their allowance automatically goes to savings, and 10% automatically goes to tithe.

I think that you don't have to delay EVERYTHING to have thoughtful appreciative kids. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. My boys are very, very thoughtful and kind...because we've taught them to consider other people, not because we've delayed gratification on everything.

The brats are those children who have been trained to believe that they are the center of the universe. While they might be related, that's a problem with their parent's priorities and emotional neediness to be accepted by their child, not necessarily a gratification problem.

What you describe sounds like our house when I was growing up:

Christmas stocking was totally ours to open and enjoy before breakfast, but other gifts waited until after breakfast. (Of course, we did also get a Christmas Eve present at a large family event each year so we'd already had one thing to open.) Easter basket was also ours to explore, though we were not stopped from having maybe one piece or two of candy. (Our baskets didn't contain a lot of candy anyway.) If we wanted something outside Christmas or birthday time, we earned the money for it.

So I think you're on track, though as others noted, maybe the issue was indicating that delayed gratification is a very big deal as opposed to just day to day "the way we do things." I don't think your kids are deprived.

I do want to add this, though: There is a lot of power in giving kids surprises, too. I didn't ever ask for much, so my mom would surprise me. I can remember getting a little set of inexpensive but nice rings, just because I had done well in school for a long time. A very cool suede clipboard (it was the 70s!) at the end of a school year, just because. And once in a great while, when I was in high school, she would, for no reason at all, hand me the keys to her car and a $20 bill and say, "Drop me at work, take the car today, and take a couple of friends out to lunch on me." She did that kind of thing because she knew that's where the $20 would go -- to lunch, with friends, back at school on time, and yeah, she knew I'd pick her up after work.

So do think, as your kids get older, about just occasionally surprising them with something small. If they are used to delayed gratification, they will not learn to ask for stuff, which makes it nicer to give them things when it's unexpected. I do it with my daughter some, and am looking forward to that time I can say, "Honey, take some friends to lunch...."

I am in the camp that it is a balance. We have traditions for the holidays and those do not include making daughter wait until we give a specific time for her to enjoy. We don't do desserts so that does not come into play here.

I am the type that when I clean up my kitchen after dinner, I am done. I don't break out dessert and do it all again. If we do have a special dessert for special occasion, it is done just after dinner and all is cleaned up at once. The other way seems like a waste of my time to do it twice.

You can be too rigid with the control if you are not careful which sends another message to the children that I don't think you want sent to them. I am my daughter's parent vs friend BUT I will never present myself as being in so much power that I control her.

That said, as far as financials, etc go.... we are big on delayed gratification and living with no debt.

If we NEED something, we purchase it when we NEED it. If there is something that is simply a WANT, then it is something we delay.

We have practiced delayed gratification for many years because we feel it helps make us stronger financially. We are numbers people so we do forecast etc our financials. (Prime example.... we believe in paying for our daughter's education. Therefore, we delayed a lot of fun things we would loved to have done over the last 17 yrs but that would not have been the responsible thing to do because we know, she will go to college and we will not have her come out of college full of debt. ) Same goes for long term retirement plans.

You can have a very productive and successful plan with delayed gratification. We do not go without, there is nothing we "need", and we have a very stable home.

We do this too for various things. It's standard in France according to the book Bringing up Bebe, and kids there are way less bratty which is very noticeable there. Same in Japan which I have also visited-kids are extremely un-bratty there too. Early delayed gratification is the ground work for good self control and a "work before play" foundation. Don't worry about nay-sayers. There are many reasons to feel sorry for kids. This is not one of them. I'm flexible on holidays and other spontaneous times (my dad was very rigid even on holidays which I hated), but in general I get what you're saying and agree. Everyone is entitled to their styles-I don't know why some people are getting so angry and threatened....

That goes great for children and adults.

I was brought up with Depression Era parents who had to work to save the money to get the item. I do appreciate what I get better than if I just go it when I wanted it. I remember getting a chocolate bar for the week and I would get one piece a day or I could eat the whole thing at once but I would not get another one until the next week. Mom said you can have it all now, can get a piece daily and enjoy all week long. I chose the daily piece and could have it longer.

Children DO need to learn that they can't have everything they want when they want it. Life is not always fair and it is a good lesson to learn early. You become a pest when you demand things because mommy and daddy always gets it for me. The real world doesn't work that way.

It is how you are brought up and what generation your parents were brought up in.

Appreciate what you have and extend its life cycle.

The other S.

Parents who don't teach their kids this life lesson are setting their kids up for problems. I believe this is why people are in so much credit card debt....they never learned to save for what they want and buy when they actually had the money.

Well, I don't see making a kid eat dinner before getting dessert as delayed gratification.

I think kids need rules. I don't think kids should get every thing they want the second they want it. Hell, I don't think kids should get everything they want even. It's called life.

I think I do teach delayed gratification (I've heard the term referenced in the same way you're using it--child rearing--before), but I teach it in other ways. To me, the unbridled joy of running from house to house to get candy and then plopping down at home to pick the choicest piece is just part of the fun. My kids wouldn't eat a decent breakfast/lunch if we demanded that before opening presents or finding the Easter basket. However, I find it better to wait for bigger things than a piece of candy--large toys wait til Christmas or birthday. Or the kids save their money. We talk about why we don't go to Subway every time we want to because 5 trips is about 125$, and that's a lot of money that could be spend on X, Y and Z. My kids are remarkably good about the "I wants"; they get them when I let them see the multitude of catalogs i get in the mail this time of year, but otherwise they know the drill. Save your money, ask for it at birthday. I guess the bigger part to me is understanding where their stuff comes from, that it costs money, money comes from work, and everything doesn't just come to them because they are inherently deserving.

I think you're teaching patience, but I personally don't have patience so i'd never be able to do this. I want to see their faces when they open their gifts, as much as they want to open them!

I think this ties into Emotional IQ and I feel it's a huge factor in success. I'm not as strict as you but I think this concept is extremely important so do make my kids wait for things etc. I guess it's along these lines that I"m trying to teach them to not procrastinate with homework and all. It's much more relaxing to watch TV when your work is done. So in a way I guess that's delayed gratification too.

I don't do all of those specific things, but I think in general, tolerance and appreciation for delayed gratification is a valuable life skill. Good for you for teaching it.

I teach it in other ways. Having them save up for a magazine subscription they want, waiting for me to finish what I'm doing before I play with them... just all sorts of every day ways. They know they don't need to get what they want immediately. And I think they enjoy the anticipation, at least some of the time :)

Edit: For Christmas we have a difference between how my husband's family celebrates and mine. His just rip into everything simultaneously and are done in 3 minutes. We take turns opening so we can watch each person enjoy each gift. The kids love passing out all the presents and watching people open what they gave.

My parents did this. While in most cases I agree with your practices (never heard it titled "delayed gratification").

As and adult at a boyfriends home on Christmas and everyone just grabbed a gift and jumped right in tore up the place it was so much FUN. A moment of unstructured outta controll excitment. Sometimes its a great thing to allow yourself to get right in there with the moment and be swept up.

We had a very structrued Christmas (as well as other events) sat in a circle, the kids organized gifts in piles, opening one gift at a time from youngest to oldest, showed gift then the next person. As an adult seeing the way others jumped right in and said there thankyous above the crowd. I realize there is times that its ok to be not controlled by organization. As long as you just let your kids be. I rarely get excited and wait for an approval before showing pleasure. Overly done it could be a downfall. Just saying letting them be "out of controll" might be healthy for there development just as much as showing controll.

Delayed gratification prepares people for life.

Here is what happens to people who don't learn delayed gratification. I have a customer right now, young, not much income. But he wanted a fancy car so he borrowed way beyond his means because driving a simple little Toyota wasn't cool enough. Now he has a car that has a blown engine that will cost him $10K to fix and he still owes $10K+ on the car. He still doesn't want to switch to a simple/cheap car, but can't figure out how to pay for the situation he is in. He will probably have to let the bank repo the car and destroy his credit rating, but he is in a no-win situation. If he could have waited 10 years until he was more established in his career...well, things would have been better.

I'm with you - but never labeled it... on X-mas we don't wait till after breakfast, but we do it slowly.

It drives me BATTY when my older brothers (yes they are a bit spoiled - their homelife is so far from mine it's hard to imagine) kids are at my mom's and it becomes a total free-for-all. I hate it. Every time I ask my brother (not his nutso soon to be ex-wife) if we can slow it down, and he caves to the pressure from his wife and says "eh - they are kids". I'm sorry but they were (last year) 12, 10 and 6 - they are old enough to take turns.

Anyway - I think it is common sense, and teaches values to make kids wait.

Read "No, why kids need to hear it and you need to say it" by David Walsh, he'll back you up.

http://www.amazon.com/No-Kids-Ages-Need-Hear-Parents/dp/0...

when i first started reading your post my thoughts were: what the heck? as i was reading the rest i realized that's exactly what i do, though i didn't have a term for it. so yes my kids have to wait, though we have had christmases where it was free for all, and those ended up being 10 min and then what kind of faces. so i take my time. as for dessert and such my kids get a healthy and 'unhealthy' snack before bedtime, though 'unhealthy' is usually popcorn, whole grain chips etc.
i wish i could say i have taught my kids patience in general, i haven't, but in occasions like the ones you mentioned, it's not practiced patience, it's just how we do things.

I agree with what you are saying. I think that kids that get what they want, when they want it and how they want it end up with entitlement issues.

I have ALWAYS made my kids/grandkids wait until we get home on Halloween to eat any candy so I can look at it first. It doesn't seem to bother them; they are too busy running from door-to-door!

At xmas, I try to delay the gift opening as well because it just makes xmas morning last that much longer!

And you are generous allowing one piece of candy per day. My GD doesn't get any right now due to braces, but before that, she was lucky to get candy once a week! She doesn't really have a sweet tooth so it's not an issue. In fact, if she has a choice between say chocolate cake/candy/ice cream or fish sticks, she'll take the fish sticks every time!

LOL... To ME delayed gratification is waiting MONTHS. So same day stuff? No worries.

We do both: lots of instant grat & delayed grat.

My parents used to make us wait through breakfast to open presents. It was torture. We never said anything because we would have gotten in trouble. But I hated it -- we had to be dressed, camera ready, wait for my parents to cook breakfast (which was the only day of the year they made pancakes and bacon) and then it was after 10 by the time we could open. We had delayed our gratification for months.

So now, I cook breakfast and insist the kids are dressed pretty much every day of the year. Christmas is the one day that we spend in pjs and open presents before breakfast. THAT is their treat. THAT is what makes it so special. I give them matching pjs as a present for Christmas eve, they have to wait until I ring the bell to come down (my mother's tradition), but I don't make them dress and I don't make them eat. We have brunch when we're done. We do open presents slowly so that they take the time to appreciate each present, but they do that anyway.

And by the way, my kids wait until they come home to sort through candy because we always inspect it. They eat one piece and maybe a couple more the week after -- the rest they forget about and eat very little. Same thing ANYTIME they get candy. They rarely get sugar, so they appreciate it when they do.

After waiting for months, I don't see the point of making them wait longer. Sorry if that make my kids "spoiled brats" in your eyes. But given how much service they do in school and at church and the fact that they get very few presents and appreciate each and every one, I don't see them as spoiled brats. Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge.

ETA: In answer to your SWH, I am well aware that you do not know any of the children discussed here. But surely you're not so blind as to recognize how judgmental and condescending you sounded in your post. Perhaps you should measure your words a bit more carefully. There's more than one way to raise a child.

I'm with you and Jess S. The anticipation is delicious! My BIL and SIL's out of control children literally throw presents at people first thing on Christmas Day, presents flying everywhere, no-one appreciating anything, certainly no 'thank yous' and my smaller children becoming overwhelmed and upset. It just seems so greedy and distasteful.

That's not to say that sometimes I won't surprise my children with fun or treats.

I think it is like anything else. Used in moderation it is fine.
In fact, when you read some of the finer print of your post, you don't practice it as strictly as you imply at the start of your post. Buried in the text, you admit that your kids can open their stockings on Christmas before breakfast. But at the top, you make it sound more like they can't open ANYTHING before breakfast.

I don't have any issue with waiting. I think it is good to teach patience and appreciation, like you mentioned. But I also have no issue with letting them have a "taste"... like with the stockings. On Easter, they can go through their baskets, but they CAN have some candy. Not as much as they want... they can pick a piece or maybe two. That's it until after lunch. But then, we always insist they eat "meals" before dessert...
ONE piece of candy PER DAY is a bit more extreme than we did (my kids are probably older than yours)... but we did limit it---it wasn't a candy free-for-all. Maybe 3 pieces total. They'd pick them out all at once in the morning (or pick as they went--their choice). But they'd be limited to 3 all day. After a week or two, the rest is tossed.

They don't say "I want ___" and we load up and go to the store. Never have. Never will. BUT, they don't have to wait for EVERY.SINGLE. ITEM. they have ever wanted either. Sometimes it is nice and fun to treat them.
They understand it is a treat, and they have never pitched "fits" about being told no or they have to wait. I never tolerated or had to deal with tantrums of any kind really. Lucky me, I guess.

On Halloween, they have never been allowed to eat any of the candy until we get home and look through it and toss out the opened pieces or anything that looks "suspicious"... (whatever that really looks like). They are fine with that. They understand WHY we do that. It isn't a rule for the sake of having a rule to make them wait. THAT would just be silly.

On Christmas, we often open one gift before going to bed that night, after we get home from Christmas Eve services at church. In the morning, the kids have their stockings right away. After the coffee is on, we sit and open a few gifts, and then take a break and eat some breakfast. Then finish up. And the kids can have candy out of their stockings before we eat breakfast if they want. It's Christmas! after all. They know not to eat too much of it or they will feel yucky all day. That's what teaching them moderation all their lives has shown them.

I don't even make my kids wait until we get home to eat on the nights we pick up drivethru. I mean... if we did, it was just be GROSS. It's bad enough that they have to eat it sometimes due to time/busyness constraints, I at least want it to seem palatable... They clean the mess out of they drop lettuce shreds in the seat. :)

If it works for you, great.

For me, I was always brought up on eating dinner first then you get dessert, so this really isn't "delayed gratification". It's common sense. Obviously if you fill up on sweets you won't be hungry for real food. Or you get sick.

Halloween, I make sure my son eats dinner earlier, that way when he gets home, he knows his "dessert" is his treats. He is allowed three pieces. He is well aware that if he eats more, he will get sick. That has happened one year, and he definetly got sick( after I told him that he would get sick, and he said he wouldn't..I let him learn).

Easter, he also gets candy. Same rule applies. He eats something first, then he can have some candy.

Christmas doesn't come with candy, it comes with gifts, and a lesson. Our whole family celebrates it the instant we get up( not before 7am, if he gets up before everyone else he is allowed to look at his stocking, presents, etc). Each person opens one gift. This takes longer, and it allows for everyone else to see them enjoy their present more, and also thank people for presents.

After gifts, I make a huge brunch.

Of course our kids have to wait until we sort the candy before they can eat any. We let them have a couple of pieces, brush their teeth, and it's off to bed. None of them are big into candy, so it's never an issue for us.

I can't imagine making them wait to open Christmas gifts or an Easter basket though. They wait and wait and wait for those mornings.

I think that the problem was that you said that you are "all about" delayed gratification. I think that made it sound like you do it all the time, like your kids ask for something and you make them wait as a matter of course. I didn't read your link, but maybe the fact that you made it a point to include it also gave someone the feeling that you are hard about it with your kids.

I absolutely told my kids that they had to wait until they got home with the candy. They would have eaten so much that they would have made themselves sick if I hadn't. And I don't care what anyone says about tampering being a myth - I MYSELF want to see that candy. I certainly could miss anything that someone wants badly enough to hide, but I was still going to look...

And yes, we ate breakfast before opening gifts... BUT that might mean eating breakfast at 7:00 am - and it was understood that we'd fix a nice breakfast fast - not leisurely. Our kids' feelings were important too. And though I didn't let them devour a lot of candy at once, Nikki is right about letting them go crazy and be excited sometimes, and letting them be kids.

Yes, I expected my kids to wait, especially as they got older, but it wasn't on PRINCIPLE just to make them learn to wait - it was for things that make sense for them wait on.

Dawn

Sometimes it's nice to NOT be on a schedule. It sounds like you have a balance of "delayed gratification" and "spontaneous" fun. Keep it balanced.

My parents were a lot like you but we are not like that with our kids totally. They don't get to eat a lot of their candy but they don't always just get one piece a day. We don't make them wait till everything is done before they get desert or opening presents. But we do have some order to opening them. We don't let it be a free for all. Making kids have to save money for something is great and we do that but they should not always have to earn something sometimes its nice to get them something just because. But I do know that there are some parents out there that give their kids everything. My son's best friend is like that and it drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!

We believe in delayed gratification. Lots of reasons--but for halloween we ALWAYS check the candy no matter what or where it came from. They know that they have to have it checked before eating any. Also, they only get two on Halloween to eat----otherwise they would be sick and have alot of problems going to sleep. So we let them choose at the end of the day each day for what kind of candy they want.

Honestly to each their own. I really don't care what everyone else does, or doesn't, I just have to be happy with the decisions I make. I'd say for the most part I am immediate gratification, but there are times I wait. On numerous occasions I've been told how well behaved my children are. They aren't perfect and they push lines sometimes and that is okay. I love on Christmas morning the kids are all excited to rush downstairs to open up the presents under the tree. Now, they have to wait a few minutes, and I do a tradition my parents did with my sisters and me. I have them open their stockings first and wait until everyone is up (me and hubby and my parents to come over) to open the presents up. I will let my kids eat the candy while they are trick or treating, not a lot, but one or two pieces if they want too, most of the time they are too eager to go to the next house.

Parent styles are different, doesn't make one better than the other, some things work better for some people than others.

Never heard it called that I just thought that was making sure your kids aren't spoiled brats.
We do things like this too, not going to list it all , christmas and holidays are as you listed for us. We dont' really do dessert so that doesn't apply to us.
Mine dont' get candy on a daily basis , things turn bad FAST if they did. They have to earn computer time, movies , their allowance.

ETA:
It is not torture for a child to wait to open christmas presents. That's a ridiculous statement. We wait till after breakfast so everyone can enjoy the opening. If we don't wait then I'm stuck in the kitchen making breakfast for everyone while they are opening gifts. I also make them wait to go down stairs until everyone is up Christmas morning. Oh how horrible :eye roll:

Most of that sounds very reasonable. Many could argue that we are raising kids in an "instant gratification" society, so teaching them to wait is a good thing. My kids will not eat once piece of candy when we are out tonight. They will each have 1 or 2 pieces before going to bed. I love watching 5 year olds run around in their costumes in the dark with lollipops hanging out of their mouths---NOT! Do their parents want them to choke??

I don't make my kids eat breakfast before we open gifts, but they take turns opening--it is NOT a free for all. That is fun for nobody!

The kids get to open their Easter baskets before church (they are usually up by 6:30 and Mass is at 9), but they don't get to eat candy (they hardly get any candy in their baskets anyway).

If your family likes your routine and traditions, then stick with them!!!

I think this is a very good practice. Kids learn self control at a very young age, and that is how you teach it. Good for you!

I remember this from yesterday. I am totally with you on delayed gratification, it is definitely something I think about at times, especially these days when even adults "can't wait" for anything anymore (email and text have trained us to want instant responses to any and all concerns!) I try to raise my kids to get used to not getting what they want right away.

I think the poster who "felt bad for you kids" felt bad because Easter, Halloween, and Christmas are special once-a-year holidays where the normal rules are usually suspended. I think having your kids clean up dinner plates before moving on to dessert (every day good manners and training in delayed gratification) is in an entirely different category as keeping the kids from the christmas presents, which only happen once a year. It's every day training and routines, versus special occasions. I don't usually stick to the rules to much on special occasions either :)

I find your post a bit judgemental. You say you know a few moms who don't practice delayed gratification and they "seem like spoiled brats". Seriously?

I don't practice delayed gratification in the way that you outlined for your children. To me, it would be taking the fun and excitement out of the moments of my daughter's childhood. I love seeing her face when she rushes into the room on Easter morning to find what the Easter bunny brought her. I could not imagine telling her she could look at it but not touch any of it for hours. To me that sounds like tourture!

That being said, my child is not a spoiled brat. She 4 (almost 5) and has good manners. From the time she could speak, I taught her please/thank you and I cannot count the number of people that have commented to me how polite she is.

Obviously, you have a style that you feel works for you and your family. I don't judge you for that. Your style would not fit my family and you should not judge me (or your friends) for it either. I am sure your friend's children would not magically change to well-behaved kids (in your eyes) if they suddenly had to follow your 'delayed gratification' plan. A child's behavior is made up of many factors.

i havent gotten there yet with our daughter shes still a baby but when i was younger i also had to wait until i got home to eat any candy.. the only ones i was allowed to eat were the candy i would get from my nextdoor neighbors or from my grandpa across the street.. the rest i would have to wait for... with christmas i would just get to open presents first thing when we woke up but we would all take our turns, not everyone opened their stuff at the same time, each person had their turn opening.. as far as holiday dinners, same as you, no junky stuff until after dinner and no desert until everything from dinner was put away. I cant say i wasnt a little spoiled , i was an only child, but by no means did i get everything i wanted ... and i do have to agree with you.. it seems like more and more kids are becoming spoiled little brats these days... i mean does a little kid really need a cell phone, and i pad and all that stuff ?