Defiant and Disrespectful 5 Year Old!

If all he has lost is privileges, and he gets an incentive to be good, this is NOT firm enough to solve defiance in difficult kids. It just isn't. Don't worry, he can change, he just needs firmer handling. He's a BOY. Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. It's loving and firm and excellent for instilling old fashioned respect. Once you get him straight on respecting his teachers etc, his being tired won't matter. He may get cranky, but he wont' be disrespectful and out of control. My kids would never do that stuff even when they're over tired.

Once you have effective discpiline in place, and you have used it so he knows you're not bluffing, you can tell him on the way to school that you have eyes in his class and if he is not respectful, X will happen. The teacher can only do something wimpy like "time out", but if he knows the real discipline will be at home, he'll avoid it. My kids know their parents enforce, not their teachers, and they know we monitor them through their teachers.

Don't pay him to be good, but if he gets through a good day, in addition to the fact he avoided FIRM discipline, it's fine to treat him to something special (quality time of some sort is best so you guys build a closer relationship) He will get used to having an excellent happy time ALL the time and firm swift consequences if he chooses to act out. He'll learn it's HIS CHOICE if you always stay calm and consistent about it. Julie L is right! The more you do now, the less you'll need later, and 5 is getting up there in age so don't delay!
Good luck!

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Hi R., You need to discipline him. Punishments don't usually work with younger children. Telling him you will have a special treat for him on Fridays if he's had a good week doesn't work because to 5 year old Friday is far away, at 5 they really don't have a sense of time. Last Tuesday at the elementry school there was a child just acting up and disrespecting her mom. I would say she was 2 1/2 maybe 3, but she ended up hiting her mom, she was not disciplined, she mom just said you don't hit me, then the hild picked up her moms digital camera off the lunch table and threw it on the cement nroke it into pieces, there was still no discipline, Your son does not care about the rules because there are no major concequences for breaking the rules, if there is not discipline in the home, children will not learn to obey and to respect. I have been a mom for 27 years, and all though we didn't not use right out spanking, my husband gave 2 warnings and then 2 good swats on the butt, just 2, we started early, but R. let me tell you it was a very rare thing if my husband had to swat our kids for the same thing more than once, they already knew that rules need to be followed or there was a major consequence. Today those kids are 27, (Son) 24 (Son) and 22 (Daughter) and all 3 of them are grateful for the discipline and training they had growing up because they say it is why they are who and how they are today because of it. Parents today think discipline is wrong, but it's not your kids will love you for it later, trust me i know. Punishments are more for and work better for pre teens, young teens and teens. Discipline works better for the younger children, and you know what if you use the discipline correctly when they are little, there will be a lot less punishment when they are older. I have the living proof of this.

Dr. Sears has some good advice with this:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/both...

Definitely talk to the teacher so you can come up with a consistent plan together. Kids are rough sometimes!

I bet you're right on track that his being tired is at least part of the problem. At this age, you may not get him to nap everyday, but there should be "quiet time" everyday for at least 30 minutes after you get home from school. He should be up in his room with minimal toys. He can read, draw, etc. but no loud noisy toys or anything that gets him too excited. You can even make it a resting time in his bed and only the 3 toys he takes into bed with him.

For a newly 5 yr old I think waiting a whole week to reward/discipline him for his behavior is too long. The consequences need to be more closely tied to that day's behavior.

We use any "outing" out of the house as an "adventure". I never have to be specific because it's "an adventure". So well behaved kids get to come with me. Otherwise I run my errands after dad gets home. If they come, say to the grocery store, each kid gets to pick out one "treat" - like a new box of cereal, fruit snacks, etc. But in order to go on the adventure, they need to be well behaved and STAY well behaved in the store until we check out.

As for his being disrespectful, that should warrant an immediate "time out". He needs to understand that being rude to other people will not be tolerated. Sometimes just the embarrassment of being singled out to not play is enough to whip some kids into shape.

I hope these ideas help you!

it's possible it's the sleep thing, i am wondering why he's not getting consistent naps there. is it that he's not falling asleep? is he being too rowdy to settle down? is it that his little friends are distracting him? i would talk to the teacher and see if there are any triggers that might be causing him to miss naps and try to get him back on a napping schedule. i assume it's not just random days that they "allow" him to have a nap, surely their routine is the same every day? and i also agree with everyone about the friday thing, taking away priveleges. it's really a lot on the teacher at this age because delayed discipline isn't going to work on a 5 year old. you don't mention if he is having these problems at home so i'm going to assume not - which tells me it may be the school or the teacher, some particular friends he plays with there...something. i would talk with his teacher for sure. see if she has any ideas. she's there to help him.

OH yes, been there and done that. My son was 4...nothing worked punishment, spanking...finally took him to pediatrician, she sent me to behavoiral specialist - that was a huge help. He started kindergarten and we were OK. First grade started and it got worse....academically he was very successful but socially not at all, would make friends easily but then be mean to them and they wouldnt want to play with him, more behavoiral therapy and finally medicine. He has been on ADHD medicine (he is very impulsive - acts without thinking) for 2 months and we have seen a HUGE improvement, espcially at school adn with friends!! GOOD LUCK!

Treats as far away as Friday won't help, it's too far away. He needs consequences that are immediate for poor behavior. If he talks back or won't listen to a teacher or aide at recess, he has to sit out and not play. At home, trot him right over to the time out chair and have him face the wall for five minutes if he talks back or says no. Dont discuss the behavior or give him a chance to whine, beg or justify. Make him write an apology note to his teacher if he is disrespectful - my kid only had to do that once!
At a time when he hasn't done something wrong, sti him down for a general talk about behavior. Let him know that parents, teachers and aides ARE the boss of him whether he likes it or not. Also, since it seems to be a control issue, make sure that he has things that he can control. Let him pick his clothes every day, even if they don't match (having all jeans or denim shorts makes that easier). Let him pick his own lunch dessert or snack out of the things you have available. Give him things that he CAN be in control of so that he doesn't need to rebel so much.