Deealing with a "She Bully"

I'm a mom of boys. I had all sisters, no brothers. So I feel that I have a little bit of understanding from both sides.

Here's the thing, mom. Things will never be equal between the world of girls and boys when it comes to hitting and chasing. Boys are always going to be considered "the problem" by a mom of a girl. Unless she grew up with boys or has boys, she will not accept equality for hitting and chasing. She just won't. Her daughter can do it, but the boy can't.

I will tell you straight away that if someone's kid was doing something they weren't supposed to do to my kid, I DID speak to that kid. Neither you nor anyone else will ever convince me that it was inappropriate of me to speak to a child who was hitting my kid in the head or kicking them. (You can tell that has happened to my kids, specifically!) So this idea that you should have told her that it was unacceptable to go near your son is just not going to fly in real life, mom.

Having said that, I'm glad you didn't go talk to the mom. I know you feel that you didn't support him, BUT... you would have ended up getting into an argument with her, and then she would have stopped being sweet to your son. It's NICE that she was sweet to him. I've had parents be really rude when they saw things differently than they really were.

It's best to let the school handle this. I think you are doing the right thing by talking to the principal. Explain to her that this mother thinks that just because she is a girl, she can treat a boy this way, but a boy can't do the same. I think if you approach it from this angle, asking for this mother to be told point blank that her daughter is an instigator, so that she knows that she is not blameless, hopefully the mother will get a bit of humility about her. She needs to hear it from the SCHOOL - not you. She will not believe one word of it if she hears it from another mother.

Dawn

Your misspellings and run-on sentences are forgiven. :) I'd be rattled, too, if this was how someone was treating myself and my kid.

If the teacher is backing you up and giving you good feedback regarding your son, as you say she is, then what I would do is to talk to the principal and explain that you need a plan. I'd be very careful about the word 'bully' in this case, but explain that you are a bit at a loss, that the parent is confronting your child directly and that you've had repeated confirmation that your son isn't acting out toward this little girl.

Unless your son's principal suggests otherwise:
I think I'd also get up a bit of gumption and talk to the mom in a pretty direct way when the kids are not around. "You know, I've noticed that you have spoken directly to my son about his behavior regarding your daughter. I was concerned about this and so I did talk to the teacher. She reassured me that my son doesn't play any rougher with your daughter than any of the other kids do. In the future, if you have any worries or questions about how my son is treating your daughter, it would be good for you to check in with the teacher first to get all the information. If there is trouble, she has made it clear she will inform me, but do not address my son directly about this any further."

If you just tell her this and then walk away, she'll get to stew on it. I suggest walking away quickly, while her mouth is hanging open. Don't give her a chance to ask you if you are calling her daughter a liar, because you kind of are. But I'd let her stew in it. Let your son know, too, that if he plays chase, he shouldn't put his hands on this girl because she doesn't like it, and leave it at that. If the principal has a different plan and wants to take care of it through the front office, let them, otherwise, speak up. Bullies rarely like confrontation, and chances are they will leave you painfully alone after that. (like, aggressive-ignoring alone... but what the heck. You don't want to interact with this passive-aggressive attention-seeking clown anyway. And that's probably where her daughter learned it from-- either modeled by mom or enabled by mom. Either way--ICK!!!)

Added: I do agree with Dawn, give the school an opportunity to handle it first. The indignant mama in me, however, is totally all for being direct. :)

I suggest that both you and your son ignore the little girl and her mother. The clue to doing this is when the teacher said that the little girl is an attention seeker. I'd let the teacher handle this at school. Sounds like she's got it under control.

And lighten up on yourself. You didn't know the whole picture when you didn't stop the mother. Now you know and you won't let it happen again.

You have been supportive of your son with your son and the teacher. What does it matter what the other unreasonable mother thinks. You know that she'll twist anything that you say to fit her own agenda.

I urge you to let go of trying to fix this. You can't fix it because the child and her mother aren't reasonable people. You can only continue to tell your son to ignore them and be sympathetic with him when he's upset.

What do you expect the principal to do? I suggest that this is drama that will have to play its self out. That it will end sooner when you don't play into the drama put out by the mother.

I know how satisfying it would be to "set her straight" but it won't help.

Stop kicking yourself! The only thing you did "wrong" was give this woman the benefit of the doubt. Now that you know the whole story, you'll know not to believe this girl or her mother.

I probably would have handled it exactly the way you did. It's not like you're not supporting your son. You've talked to his teacher and you're going to see the principal. I have no doubt that you'll know what to do. Just be mentally prepared to keep your distance from this boy and his mother. Your kids may be going to school together for years to come. Gotta remember to pace yourself. Good luck!

It is rather hard to read such a long paragraph with no breaks.

I think you need to realize that she is trying to protect her daughter. It's her job to love and trust her daughter. I'm sure she has had all kinds of talks with her about how to handle herself. She's not there all day either and she is fully doing what all moms should do. I also do NOT believe she did anything wrong in approaching your son. You said she did it nicely.

You sound like you are setting yourself up to be defensive. What you need to do is realize 2 things. This is much more the schools issue than yours or the other mothers. Also, your son is absolutely pushing her back I'm sure. I'm also sure this little girl doesn't see anything she is doing as being hurting or violent. She probably thinks she doesn't push or hit hard and that when he does it to her it really hurts. Both of these kids feel they are the ones being hurt.

The school is handling this whole thing so stupid. I am beyond myself upset that a supposed group of professionals would have allowed any of this to escalate. I NEVER, but NEVER allow this kind of horse play in my daycare. It always leads to bad feelings and it always leads to out of control behavior.

The school was also wrong to tell you this girl is an attention seeker. What she is, is a little girl that's in a bad environment where she isn't being taught the right way to play by the adults that are supposed to be teaching her. These people are obviously clueless on how to do their jobs and clueless on how to handle you parents. It would not surprise me if they told the other mom that your son was the problem. They don't want to deal with their own stupidity and they want to deflect the blame from themselves as the real problem.

Hmm. well your son needs to be taught not to hit girls and if the school is not then you need to. 2nd ask your son to try to stay away fromhim. My concern is this will set him apart fromthe other kids and might cause issues with them also as the school seems to have no issue with letting kids hit each other. Or you coud do the wild card and call this mom and say since the kids are having an issue lets have a play date with them and see if we can teach them to behave well together with other kids.

Okay, where is the bullying? You have two kids playing and perhaps your son does get a bit rough with this girl. All she and her mother have said is it is too rough, not that it isn't a two way thing only that what is coming from your son is too rough.

Maybe he doesn't like the other kids as much so he is more gentle with them, maybe the other kids have a higher threshold of tolerance, what is clear is he is too rough with this girl and apparently they have told you many times.

If anything your son would look more like a bully than the girl, not that I think he is either. How would you feel if some kid was roughing up your son and you keep telling them and their parents it is too rough and they didn't stop saying well no one else minds? I would imagine you would have this post with bully in the caps lock of rage.

Sorry but you have your mommy blinders on.

Gigis, stop kicking yourself, I don't think you did anything wrong. As moms we will always second guess ourselves, after we have time to think about what happened, and how we wish we would have reacted. I think maybe you could ask the principal, for a meeting, with you, your son, and the girl and her mom, and the teacher. Everyone will have to be blunt with this woman, especially the teacher, and explain to the other mom that her daughter has intolerable behavior. Hopefully the teacher will step up and do this. Otherwise, you are going to have to just tell this woman point blank to leave your son alone and to not approach him. This is something that I would probably try to let the school handle, since they have admitted that the girl is the problem. Good luck to you. Don't lose sleep over it. We all do the best we can. And you are a great mother, to be losing sleep over this. I hope you have a great Christmas!!! J.

Unfortunately, that mother is one who will believe her daughter, no matter what.... it will always be "the other child" who is wrong.... of course.... her dear daughter would NEVER be the bully! Someone ELSE is picking on her.....

Next time you are at an event with your child, since you already know what the other child and mother are like, you will be forwarned... don't let the mother or child near your son.

There are some kids, like that girl, that can dish it out... but can't take any of it herself.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with a person like that. No matter what you tell the mother, she just won't believe that her precious daughter could be at fault! Fortunately, the teachers know what the daughter and her mother are like.

Dawn is right on the money on this. There is a huge double standard for behavior between girls and boys. Girls can chase and do whatever, and push right up until the boys, trying to ignore it do one tiny thing in response... then the boy is the bad guy. Almost every time.
It is difficult to explain to your son and difficult if not impossible for him to understand it at this age. But there is a definite hands off rule for boys that just doesn't seem to apply to girls.
Unfortunately, the only way to address this for your son is to just not play with her. And she will just keep on pushing him, chasing him, hitting him and WAIT for him to react in kind--so she can get attention from it. He needs to ignore her. Perhaps, just MAYBE, she will figure out that your son won't engage and she'll leave him alone eventually. The "trick" is that he can't be mean about it, or he'll come off looking like he is singling her out to be mean to--the whole bullying thing--- getting his friends not to play with her, etc.
Any time she asks "why don't you play with me anymore?" his response should be simple and to the point. "Because you hit me and then I get in trouble." (or whatever the scenario is).

Been there--only with older boys/girls. :(

The next time the mom says something, kindly say, "Yes, and please tell your daughter to stop chasing and pushing my son. Thank you."

You really need to lay down the law with your son big time as well.

Also, this does not sound like bullying in the slightest.

Okay, first off, stop blaming yourself. I think you did the right thing - you check out all sides of the story before siding against your son. Just because you didn't automatically jump to his defense doesn't mean you didn't support him. I think you did the reasonable thing.

It might be good at this point to talk to your son about the situation. Tell him you have spoken with his teacher and she doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, and neither do you.

However, to prevent the situation from escalating (and you can tell him to keep him from getting in trouble in the future - cause it could happen) he needs to not play with this little girl. If she starts chasing and hitting him, he needs to ask her to stop. If she refuses, he needs to go to the teacher.

And yes, I think you need to meet with the principle and the teacher together to discuss what's happening to protect you and your son. You don't want this mother hearing over and over again that your son is hitting and pushing her daughter and for her to escalate it as a bullying situation or try to take you to court or something.

BTW - you don't tell us how old your son or this girl is, but I remember playing this same way with boys (well, one or two in particular) with a friend of mine when I was in 1st and 2nd grade. And yes, boys should **evenutally** be taught not to hit girls, however, this is a style of play. And that's all it is - play. I sincerely doubt at your child's age that the strength difference is so great that he's hurting her without meaning to. If he was, I promise you she would stop playing because it wouldn't be any fun. This is not an issue that rests solely on yours or your son's head. It needs the cooperation of the school and the other parent and child.

I know how you feel. Many situations I wish I could re-do. But, that is over now. Face this lady now with the principle. The teacher should be there as well so there isn't any misunderstandings. Everyone needs to be firm and tell this mother the truth. They need to keep a record of this, in any event she tries to sue anyone or everyone over this. People will surprise you, as you already know. Good Luck! ;)

I kind of -- only kind of -- feel sorry for the girl's mom because this girl has mom totally snowed. Mom is believing her daughter when the girl tells her the other kids, including your son, are instigating the hitting. It's unfortunate that the mom doesn't know that kids at the hit-run-kiss-fight-tattle age see things only through their own personal lens, and what the kids report to adults isn't always what is happening in reality.

Yep, the kid is a big attention-seeker. The key person here should be the teacher, really; the teacher knows this girl is an instigator and that your son (and other kids, whom I'm sure she also accuses of messing with her) are not the problem. But unfortunately you can't tell the mom, "The teacher says your daughter is the issue, not my son!" because the mom wont' believe you and the teacher will feel burned that you relayed that to another parent. I would go back to the teacher, whom you do want on your kid's side, and say that this is continuing, and while you know she cannot discuss any child with you but your own, you would like her to know that the girl is still accusing and the mom is now coming to you about it, and that you would appreciate it if there is any way that the girl's parents can be talked with. The teacher likely will never tell you if she does talk to the mom, but I would hope she would talk to her.

Meanwhile, teach your son to ignore this girl totally and always redirect himself and physically remove himself from her presence. He doesn't have to appear to be "running away from her" because frankly other kids will notice that and will make fun of it; he does have to be strong enough to just turn away and say "Hey, Billy, let's head to the slides" or whatever. If she follows him there, he has to keep moving away without engaging or talking to her -- she is just dying for him to talk to her, get mad at her, anything.

I'd ignore the mom if I were you, and wouldnt' approach her, but if she approaches you again, I would then say, "I'm sorry your daughter is telling you my son is an issue, but he tells me the opposite. I have asked him to ignore your daughter and told him ways to keep away from her because she seems to want attention and he has to learn not to react to that. If you have any further issues please talk to me rather than addressing him directly about this." She was out of line to just bend down and start talking to your son, even nicely, right in front of you without first asking you if she could speak to him.

If the teacher knows that this girl is instigating trouble and your son isn't unprovoked, then I think that the teacher needs to have a talk with this girl's mom. The mom believes what her daughter is telling her, and isn't considering that there's another side to the story. If she approaches you or your son again, I would say something like, "The teacher tells me that when these situations come up, your daughter is also chasing, pushing and hitting. Let's go and talk to the teacher right now so that we both understand the situation completely" Your post also doesn't seem to mention the ages of the children, or else I missed it, and that might help in understanding the behavior.