Is there anyone out there that consciously chose to have one child even though they could have another? My husband and I are trying to decide if we're going to have another child. We had two miscarriages before we got our beautiful (and perfect) little girl who is 11 months old. I wanted to get pregnant right away (two months ago) and my husband is very hesitant. We are mostly scared of the possible chromosomal abnormality risks being that we are 39 and 41(husband). And the facts that we are older parents and feel tired a lot. I also had a high-risk, difficult pregnancy, but I'm willing to do it again because it is worth it. And, I assume it will be twice as much work, but I'm also willing to do that too! My questions are: 1) if we decide to not have another am I robbing my daughter of that sibling relationship? 2) Are we being too selfish if we decide not to because of our own issues? 3) I never imagined I would only have one child, but now I'm struggling with the possibility, can I live with it? My husband says he cannot raise a special needs child and I cannot see us terminating a pregnancy based on any factors either. Any advice is welcome - thank you!
Hello,
Is adoption a possibility? If so, there are plenty of older children out there that need a wonderful family. After my husband and I couldnt concieve for awhile, we looked into this wonderful oppurtunity. We ended up getting pregnant soon after. But are still considering the adoption possibility later on. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
I haven't seen anyone else post about choosing to stay with one child, so here goes.
I had my first child, a daughter, when I was 41. It was a happy surprise, with a great pregnancy. Delivery ending up going to an emergency C-section because of complications, but both the baby and I turned out fine. She's currently 18 months old.
I, too, mulled the possibility of going for another child. I felt that there was another soul knocking on my heart. But, my husband definitely isn't up to it, at this time in our lives. And, I don't really have several years to see if he becomes more comfortable with the idea. Plus, I like being able to focus on parenting my one child (which I'm finding to be a handful -- rewarding, worth it, but super-tiring!), while also trying to balance husband, work and personal needs.
As she's getting older and is needing more stimulation, guidance, etc., I've thought twice about my wonderings about another baby. As it is, I'm looking at SAH mothering until she's maybe five, with work stuff being part-time (and, I love my work). If I had another baby, I'm looking at ten years of parenting small children. By the time they'd become more independent, I'd be in my early to mid-50s. That prospect doesn't appeal to me so much...
I also felt "lucky" to have had a perfectly healthy baby. If I gave birth again at 43 or 45, would I still be so lucky? If I had a special needs child, would I be up to it? For me, I highly doubt that I'd abort, unless my life was at stake. Ultimately, I think I'd rally to the challenges, but I think it would overstretch my DH; and, I'd feel bad about pushing the additional baby idea.
There's no guarantee that bearing her a sibling will ensure a close sibling relationship. A good chance, yes, but not a certainty. Don't do her any favors! Ha ha. If you both feel a yearning for additional children, so be it. But, don't do it for your DD. She's going to end up having her own relationship with any siblings, and who knows? she may really resent sharing you two!
To create a nurturing cirle around my DD, we have close friends who have children in the same age range as our DD. We have dinner with them every Friday, and often do other activities together during the week. I also make sure that we have activities to go to with other babies/children four or five times a week. Our family are all plane rides away, so we travel about four times per year to visit everyone, and/or they come visit us. However, that's how I grew up, so I'm used to it. And, we use our Webcam a lot...
Ultimately, I agree with the poster who said to go with your gut; especially, if your husband is feeling a "pull," too, for another child. But, if you feel it's ultimately not in the cards for your family, that's okay. There's no rulebook that says you're only a good parent if you have more than one child. :)
Hi L.~
All I wanted to say is please go with your "gut"!!!! When we had two little ones I just knew in my heart that I wanted a 3rd. I am SO HAPPY that we did. I have to tell you that our 3rd pregnancy was by far the most difficult and I was 35 (our little Abby is 10 months old right now) and I ended up having 3 C-sections. So I can tell you from experience that it wasn't always a fun time but the OUTCOME is INCREDIBLE, MAGNIFICENT & AMAZING having 3 blessings from the Lord! By the way I had a miscarriage with our 3rd "little angel" but I know we will see him/her someday in Heaven!
Thanks for letting me share and good luck in your decision~
A.
My husband and I were in the same boat a few years ago. We decided to have a second child and are soooo glad we did! I was 39 when my second child was born (36 when our first was born). My doctor said that "35" is an arbitrary number, and although the odds do increase with age, that "age" in Europe is 40, and she felt that I had a better chance of a healthy baby than a heavy smoker, overweight 20-year old.
We too were concerned about having a special needs child and had an amneocentsis with both prenancies and that eased any anxiety in that area.
There are many children who do not have siblings and are quite happy - my 12-year old niece is one of them. Their parents also had an easier time parenting with a 2 to 1 ratio.
Follow your heart and you can't be wrong. Good luck!
Hi L.,
I just wanted you to know that my husband and I had a daughter when I was 36 and he was 39. I had a miscarriage in January and was able to conceive a third time in February. I'm now 34 weeks pregnant and we're so excited to have a sibling for our daughter. I'm now 39 and my husband is 42. When I had my second-level ultra sound in July, they said everything looks fine with the baby. I have friends that have given birth at 43 and one just this month at 42. Yes we are also older parents, but would still like to have more children. I am an only child and hated not having a sibling when growing up. The best gift we can give our daughter is a sibling.
I wish you and your husband the best with your decision.
I had 2 miscarriages and then got pregnant which turned into a highrisk pregnancy and my daughter was born 7 weeks premature.
I swore I'd never have more children. I didn't want to put my life at stake and felt having a "only child" had alot of perks and advantages.
7 years later I changed my mind and just recently had another baby again a high risk pregnancy and this baby was 6 weeks early. I am SOOOOOOoooooo glad I didn't give up and that I did go ahead and have another one. I am really glad I was able to give my daughter a sister and satisfy my need for one more child. I am however DONE now for medical reasons. My aunt just had her first child after years of problems and she's 38 and her husband is in his 40's so I say if you want another go for it.
I was both an only child, and someone who suffered with fertility challenges having had 5 pregnancies, with 2 of the 5 ending in miscarriages, and one premature infant die shortly after birth. Thankfully, despite all of the diappointment, and incredible challenges (I have a blood disorder that was a factor in the miscarriages) we also were blessed with two children after two very difficult high-risk pregnancies. Though we started trying when we were younger, we wound up having our children in our late 30's. It was tough going, but I have no regrets and I'm so happy my children have each other.
With all of that said, I'd say first and foremost having been an only child, it is very lonely. Especially if your parents are older. For me, I wound up growing up very fast and the dynamic at my home was of me being a third adult in the home, caring for my parents when I was old enough to do so. My extended family lived far away, and while I had a cousin close in age to me, she and I were very distant. Needless to say, I was lonely...and far from popular belief far from spoiled. I couldn't wait to get out of the house and go to college!!! It was the first time I actually felt like a kid.
To this day I envy friends with siblings. While they do have their quibbles, they also have family to be with on the holidays and someone to talk to and share common memories. I don't have that, and as I face the possiblity of my parents passing away...I also face not having any other family (blood relatives) once they're gone...other than my husband and two children. I'm the end of the line so to say.
So I say, if you feel emotionally and physically able to handle having another child, do it!
You and your husband's apprehension is understandable. This is an emotionally draining process with no promises. But if you look at the fact that the chances of being able to have a second is narrowing, you don't want this to be a missed opportunity.
There is so much medical support and many options for high risk pregnancies now. Don't be afraid. Give your child a sibling. For both you and your child, the sacrifice will be well worth it, and the payback beyond your expectation in the years to come.
If your age and health are a concern, I would look into adoption. There are so many babies/children that need homes.
If your dd is an only child, she will have other reltionships to fill in for the siblings ones she won't have. Your issues are real and you are not being selfish, you are being cautious, which is great.
Whatever is best for your family, I wish you luck.
S.
