Debating About Fostering Our Niece...

Updated on March 22, 2010
C.R. asks from Schenectady, NY
5 answers

Hello fellow mamas,

My husband and I recently thought about (and decided to pursue) relative foster parenting for our niece. My husband and I have 5 kids total - the 19 yr old is in the Navy, stationed in VA; in our house we have an 18 yr old, 11 yr old, 2 1/2, and 9 month old (all boys!). My husband's brother and his girlfriend had a 4th child in August, who immediately was put into foster care. They have 3 older children, ages 3, 8, and 10. They are in separate foster homes...it's a mess, really. They are addicts who will never change. Anyway, before the youngest was born, we had called CPS to just find out what was going to happen to her, because my brother in law and his g/f had just lost all parental rights to the other 3 for good. This is when the caseworker asked if we would be willing to take her, and thus it began.
So I guess I'm looking for some words of advice, although I know it is ultimately up to me to figure out what's best. We don't want our niece to become "lost" from the family, though she is getting a fresh start w/o her parents' torment. And we already have 4 kids in our home as it is...being a FT mom makes it work. My husband works 55 hrs/wk. She was born with drugs in her system, just like her siblings, but supposedly she is doing well. It's been a long, complicated mess since August, and we had come to a point where DSS seemed unmotivated to actually have us foster our niece, so we had given up on the idea...until a wk or so ago. I'm leaning towards taking her and raising her as one of our own, so to speak, but we have worries about how that will affect our family. We have to not only worry about our own kids and how they will adapt but we have the issue of my brother in law. He and his g/f are ruthless when it comes to raising hell. They have tormented and harrassed family and DSS over the years, and we worry that as soon as they find out we have her (and they will), they will be coming to our home and god knows what. I know they're not supposed to and that we'll just have to call the police, but is it selfish to say that putting my immediate family in danger isn't worth trying to save our niece? I don't want to put our family in danger. It hurts to think that we may never get to see our niece (still havent even met her yet. saw 1 pic). My mother in law, who isnt talking to her other son because of all the harassment and issues, says we shouldnt because it will be too much and could possibly end up destroying our marriage. My husband has always wanted a girl, and we have all boys, so this would also be his "chance." So many factors...
We are meeting with people from DSS on Wed to discuss things further; we have already taken the classes and know what we are in for...my husband and I have been talking about it but it seems like we can't decide for sure. I know that the one who will be most involved will be me, since I am at home. I welcome any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks!

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So What Happened?

Hello everyone! This morning we had our meeting with the DSS workers in charge of the relative foster unit. We already knew them from the classes we took in the fall. This meeting turned out to disappoint us quite a bit, and I'll explain w/some additional info I didn't go into in my original post: when we were going through the process the 1st time (fingerprints, bkgd checks, home visit, classes, paperwork, etc.), we ended up hitting a roadblock. My husband had his first son taken away from him and his ex-wife 19 yrs ago, when he was only 4 mos old, because of unexplained bruising that looked like finger marks (probably left by his ex, she's very rough and bi-polar)...anyway back then the system was retarded, because they took him away but didnt take away their next son that was born nine months later, and in order for them to get their oldest back they had to show that they had a "stable home," which meant they had to get married. So anyway, when this showed up, we sent a letter in requesting that the indicated reports be expunged. A week ago we finally got a letter back stating that they removed him from all reports - cleared his name!! This letter came a week after we got a letter from our local DSS stating they were closing our case/app for relative foster care. So, when we got the letter, we called the caseworker, and she was basically caught off guard and in disbelief. She insisted that they needed a copy of the letter, so we faxed it in immediately, then waited to hear from her. We had to call her twice after that - the first time to make sure she got it, and she stated that she had to make sure it meant he was cleared from ALL the hotline reports (even though the letter clearly stated this, she just didnt want to believe it!). She said she was meeting with her supervisor the next day and would get back to us. So, we waited until Friday and called since we heard nothing since Monday, and she finally agreed to set up a meeting (which was today). We reviewed in brief what we wished to do and what needed to be done...and basically, they told us that even though my husband had been cleared, they would still have to make sure SAFETY is met, and would investigate very thoroughly because he was still involved in a hotline with an infant around the same age as our niece. They are going to be more extensive than normal and told us that they would take their time. I understand to an extent where they are coming from, but feel that this is beyond protocol and down right insulting and predjudiced. Basically they hold this against my husband and I still even though his name was cleared. I feel so discriminated against and discouraged. We are willing to go through all of this but it seems like they don't want to let us foster our niece. EVER. They brought up all the possible negative scenarios that can take place, trying to derail us, and still had the nerve to ask if we still wanted to go through with this. I mean, come on, really? Do you think we would have contacted them once we rec'd the letter if we weren't serious about going forward??? I feel SO discouraged, but don't want to give up. They had us sign releases for them to contact our 11 yr old's school, and tried telling us that his ex may hotline us just to start trouble. I wanted to just ask them, why are you so against us doing this???

I appreciate all the advice and testimony I received - and if anyone can offer additional support, I'm more than willing to take it. I feel like the process to become a foster parent is going to be more difficult than actually being one!!!

More Answers

V.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

My husband grew up in a slightly similar scenario. No drugs involved or foster care...long story short he and his brother were adopted by his grandparents. They had been raised by his mother/father and grandparents primarily in the grandparents house for about 4 years before the adoption took place. When the adoption took place, the kids' last names were changed and the kids' mother 'became' their "sister". To this day they call her by her first name.

Hubby's sibling still has a warped sense of familial relationships. Their legal siblings are biologically their aunt/uncles/mom. Their legal nephews are their biological cousins. When biological mom remarried and had additional children.. they became (legally) nieces/nephews but are actually biological half-brother/sisters. It is very weird. When hubby fills out medical/legal documents, he must consider how he references his relatives.

My husband was blessed and managed to emotionally sort most of this out through the years and has a functional relationship with his mother/sister today. His brother, for years, had a very dysfunctional stormy relationship with mother/sister. (Grandparents are long since deceased). The mother and her parents (the grandparents) went for YEARS without speaking.

It was very convoluted. My husband says that things would have been far better if only the grandparents hadn't changed their last name and had the kids call them "mom and dad" and call their biological mom "sister". There is a lot of emotional scarring from that. But, they were old enough to have memories and not just infants.

I cannot suggest whether you should or shouldn't go forward with the foster plan. But while you are deliberating, consider long term aspects. Do you plan to foster with the intent to formally adopt? Do you plan to raise her as your own daughter, or will she know she is really your niece? These are questions you should address now, rather than after the fact. If your BIL and his gfriend are as messed up as you say.. you must consider what is best for the infant. As you said yourself.. they will find out that you have her... how will that affect the child? It might affect your marriage and make your lives very stressful, and maybe you can handle all that... but what effects will it have on the baby long term? THAT is the answer you need to figure out. When you do.. you will know whether you should proceed or not.
Bless you and your family, whatever you decide.

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S.T.

answers from Albany on

I know from hearing my cousin talk about fostering babies who are drug babies, she feeds them, clothes them, fattens them up, love them as her own and then the baby is taken away for adoption. My cousin said (and I know someone else told me) that it's not that hard, but they do go through withdrawal process but it seems that she has or is going through it and by the time you take her it may be over.
I think personally you should take her in. I know I would. Yes, raising children is hard and then taking in more children can be difficult, but as far as your children goes, just explain that their cousin need a good home and a loving family and that you and your husband want to provide that for her. Make it very clear that you love them as always, but as a family you all need to look out for one another which is a great thing for her right now.
In the long run, it'd be worth it.
I will pray for you all and for those children who are in foster care and how terrible it is. Let us know what you decided.

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E.S.

answers from Houston on

My husband and I are raising his nephew. We have had him for 4 years. I am not going to lie and say that it has been easy, but the rewards make up for it. We also have a 3 year old and I have always been honest with her and said he was her cousin just so there were no long term emotions to get over. He calls us his aunt and uncle and we are all doing great. His mom is in the picture and sees him every month or so. It can be hard when he wants to stay with her and cries when she leaves but he knows he is better off with us and always tells us that. For being so young, he has gone through a lot and knows he is in the right place. Just follow your heart on this one.

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S.B.

answers from Kansas City on

I would do it, and i would get a restraining order against the parents. Perhaps you could even get the state to sever their parental rights and adopt the girl in the long term. It is amazing that you want to do this for this little girl, and give her the best start possible.

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L.N.

answers from New York on

all issues aside, if you can, this girl has no chance at anything good unless you take her on. yes, probably you'll be bringing a whole lot of mess into your life b/c of bil and his gf, but i think, it will be all worth it, when you see this girl grow up with a chance at a good life.
call the police anytime you sense danger, or a situation developing. but i think what you're considering on doing is the most honorable thing i have heard in a while. good luck

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