My son went to Kindergarten with a girl who was diagnosed with brain cancer. He helped me make a gift basket for her when she was diagnosed. I worked in his classroom as a volunteer a few days a week and she was a student to me as well. Now 1st grade has started and she passed away last night. I told him about it, b/c he will most likely hear it at school. He has lots of questions and natural worries. What is Cancer? Will I catch cancer? Why did she get cancer? Why won't she be back at school? Where is she now?
I feel like I bombed this question fest and I wanted to know of any advice on how to explain. Do you know of any good children's books about death/cancer? Any advice would be helpful!!! Thanks in advance.
Added: we are Catholic and do the whole heaven thing in case you're wondering if this question is secular or non. :-)
I think attending the services will help. Have a discussion with him about it all that is open and honest, kids are stronger than you think. I would also take him to a children's hospital to "play" with the kids for the day.
How sad.
My son lost a classmate to a drunk driver last year.
The school did have counselors talk to them and answer questions.
If he asks why she got cancer, you can tell him that you don't know and that sometimes we don't understand everything the way God does.
You can certainly tell him that it's not "common" for kids to get cancer, but some kids do. He does not. You do not, etc.
You can tell him that he will see her again in Heaven in many, many years when his life is over and he dies and goes to heaven at age 327.
When I told my son about his classmate, I was very proud when he said "I'll see her again O. day--in Heaven, right, Mom?"
You can tell him that a little part of her will live in his heart and memories forever.
It's so tough. Poor little guy.
My daughter is in remission from cancer, thankfully. Unfortunately not all of the kids we have met along the way have made it. The hospital she is treated at has a childlife department that can make school visits and give presentations on the children's level. Consult with the school nurse or counselor if this is an option. A lot of kids end up thinking that cancer is contagious and lots of other things that are scary. It may help to do a ceremony for her at home that lets him say goodbye. Maybe he can write a letter and send it up with a balloon.... It's tough.
I am so sorry for your son's loss.
When I was working I worked for a hospice. Our councelors worked with not only our patients and their families but with other people in the community as well. If you have a local hospice provider you can call them and ask them for resourses and or programs/books ect. They are a wonderfull resource and help people cope with death and loss everyday. They specialize in terminal illnesses and can help exlpain this to your son as well.
Your son's school should also have counselors available for the students to talk with.
My thoughts and prayers are with your family as well has his friends family.
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/5196318710616489985
The school social worker and/or psychologist should be aware of this and should offer resources to classmates and their families.
Also, call up your local library and ask them for a list. I am sure they will find some appropriate books for you on the topic. Look on the above link for my reply which has 2 book recommendations.
When my oldest was in kindergarten his friend was diagnosed with brain cancer. I must add my ex's family owns funeral homes, we lived above one of the funeral homes for the first four years of his life. His reactions to this may not have been normal for a five year old. All the other kids were scared, Tommy was the only kid who went and played with him. He was out of school from just before Christmas until first grade. Then he died in the fall of his first grade year.
Maybe Tommy didn't have so many questions because he actually played with the child, knowing Tommy he probably asked any question to his friend that came to his mind.
What is cancer, it is cells that mutate and grow out of control crowding out the good cells. It is not contagious so you cannot catch it. No one really knows what causes cancer. She has passed away. We do not know exactly. We believe she is in heaven because that is what the bible teaches us.
Just answer his questions honestly but in terms they can understand. Getting too technical just confuses them.
I don't know if this is too much for you but it really was a good thing that I allowed my son to go to the funeral. It gave him some closure. In his case it also helped him to better understand death something he had been around his whole life but didn't truly get until that point. I think we sometimes don't give our kids enough credit, they understand more than you know.
Sorry for your families loss.
During my daughter's preschool another student's father passed away.
The way we got the children to understand was to take apart a pen. We explained that our bodies are like a pen, the wonderful part of the pen is the ink we can create with, just like our soul. The outside is like our skin which is beautiful too. God takes our soul, (the ink) and takes it too heaven to enjoy. Our body stays down here (the case) and that is what is buried.
We had more problems with the children attending the buriel. They couldn't understand why God didn't take the body too. Hope this helps a bit.
God Bless.
Answer his questions as honestly as you possibly can. Kids are much more intutative then we realize so platitudes can sometimes cause more confusion and or greif.
Our 5 year old is not satisfied with the "normal" kid answers when it comes to issues like this & he wants all the facts so he can make his own decisions and decide how to deal with it. His Great Uncle had recently died (more like another grandpa to him) and he handled the situtation so well. We just talked to him about it and he actually became more of a steadying force and comfort to those around him than someone who needed comforting.
We are catholic as well and talked to him about heaven & angels and he has decided that Uncle Bob is now his angel and he can talk to him whenever he likes, just like when he talks to God. If your priest is good with children perhaps he can help as well ( I know some deal better with small children than others so this may or may not work for you).
So i suggest just to be as honest & open with him as possible & you may be very surprised at how well he deals with it & what profound things may come out of him.
Good luck!
check out your local christaian book store--they will have many age-appropriate books. There is one book I just love "Mommy, Please Don't Cry"--I gave it as a gift to a grieving mother and bought a copy for myself it's so touching.
I would hope that the school psychologist will help you and other parents.
How sad for everyone. My prayers go out to the family of the child that
passed away.
It just so sad that a child so young....
God bless her soul and help her family through the loss.
ANd maybe you can ask your son to make a basket again for the
family this time with memories of his classmate.
Just a thought.
