Death of a 2 and a Half Year Old Boy

My friends son also died at that age and thru the village and park district everyone got together and planted a tree in the childs memory. She was able to choose the location which was the park that she always took him.

If they have other children you could help with childcare while they work on preparations and through their grieving.

A., everyone's comments are very good. After giving birth to our stillborn child I found it very comforting going through all of the cards later but what helped at the time were the meals and offers to take care of our dog Ginger. But one year later it brought tears to my eyes (and now still writing it!) when a friend donated to a food shelter in Ingrid's name. Just knowing people still remembered her....

Hi, A..

This is something no mother wants to wrap her brain around. Being the mother of a child born with severe cardiac anomalies, this especially hit a nerve. I think the most compassionate thing you can do, aside from being there, is to make a donation in the child's name to a pediatric cardiology department of a hospital. They oftentimes use the money to buy defibrilators and other such equipment. If you are looking for a worthy hospital, I would recommend The Heart Institute For Children at Hope Hospital in Oak Lawn. My daughter has had several surgeries and procedures there (after intially being at Children's Memorial in Chicago which was a horrendous place) and I have nothing but glowing things to say about Hope. Anyway, you could also make a donation in memory of the child to a charity such as Make A Wish Foundation or another type thing. If you want to go a step further, you could ask the guests at your son's party to do the same, in lieu of bringing him gifts. Chances are, some people would both donate and bring something small for your boy.

Good luck and God bless you for caring. I can't imagine the pain they must be feeling.

I disagree with Diana. I don't think you need to cancel your party. That is, unless you're very close to this family and have the same circle of friends. If it is a work relationship only, I think you can get involved after things have settled down by bringing in a meal, or offering to help with thank yous or any kind of task they might need help with. I would hope they would be surrounded by their close friends and family at this time. Is there a visitation? Perhaps you could go to that. It's all so very sad. I have a friend who lost a son last August. I still send her cards now and then when I think about her, because she lives with the pain every day. Don't forget to show your concern down the road, when people tend to forget.

Having lost twin boys myself and having gone through this personally...let me tell you that the parents are frozen with grief! They don't want to and can't do anything, even the little things.

For me, I very much appreciated the MEALS!!! You still have to eat and don't have the energy to do so. Also, anything you could do to help out around the house...offer to go grocery shopping, cut the grass, run an errand. Forget the flowers and that stuff as they die too. A card, especially with something you've written inside, is the BEST medicine!!

The other thing that someone did for me was they sent a donation to a children's charity in my son's names. I also very much appreciated that....like a few have mentioned below.

Again, don't waste your money on flowers or stuff to the funeral home. Those things are quickly forgotten about. For me, it's been almost 3 years and I still remember all the nice meals people brought me and the cards in which people wrote very warm and thoughtful things in(which I still have and have scrapbooked).

I hope this helps you. How very nice of you to think of them and wanting to help them. Good luck with what you choose.

I was 8 mnths preg when my friend gave birth to twins that both died. I went to the service, but felt so guilty. A few years later the same friend had a 1yr die of SIDS. I found by going to a religious store, they can help you find something more meaningful and sincere. When I lost a fetus and had to have a D&C, I got an angel statue. It reminds me that the little one is an angel in Heavan. Whatever you do will be appreciated. I know.I had gotten a flowering bush from someone to plant in my yard. Someone gave me a spa certificate to try relieve some of the pain I felt. It was different, but appreciated. Even funeral directors may have a sujestion based on their experiences. If you are close with this family holidays and birthdays are the worse. A card saying that you care during those times are worth their weight in gold. To a mom especially to know someone is still thinking of her will help greatly. You can also have a tree planted in his name, a flag flown over the white house in his name, or even a star named after her son. I know you will find something special.
God bless you for being so considerate of another family's terrible nightmare.

Hi A.,

I understand your feelings. This week a former neighbor lost their 22 month old in a tragic accident (see post from 03/18). I was able to talk to a relative who stated they appreciated anyone getting/sorting mail, answering phones/making phone calls, cleaning the house, watching the other children/pets, just sitting with, entertaining the other children, grocery shopping, bringing over food, bringing over food next week, giving gift cards so they can get out of the house, babysitting later on so they can get out of the house, sorting through stuff with them, etc. Just being available and letting know you are thinking of them as time goes on.
They are also in my prayers.

If you go online to www.homebistro.com they will send delicious frozen meals to the home, where they can eat them whenever they want. Definitely send flowers or something...possibly even arrange for a tray of subway or something to be delivered to the funeral home so they can eat if they can take a break. I would assume there will be alot of visitors which can be a very long day.

I suggest bringing meals a week or two after the funeral, etc. They will not be "up" for taking care of such things. Perhaps even something for the freezer, so they can pull it out when needed. I would avoid sending cards, etc - since that could be a constant reminder of the loss. Good luck.
When me lost my niece, just shy of age 2, the family gave a personalized stepping stone that they used in a garden they had made with funeral plants and more. Perhaps your husband and his co-workers could do the same? It gave a serene place to go to for my brother's family...

I will just speak for myself...If it was me in this situation having this happen to me, I persoanlly wouldn't send a plant & I wouldn't want someone to do that for me. (& I am NOT saying that it is a wrong thing to do), I personally would want a meal (maybe a lunch, because we tend to get busy during the day and forget to eat during times like this) or also offer to help make any phone calls or run what may be little errands to some,but for her at the moment are big, or whatever. Just a thought & hope this helps. She may or may not accept. I would make it known that you are sincere & wouldn't offer just to offer. (Because I know there are some who say they want to help & then when you call them to do so, they all of a sudden change their minds. & some say it just to say it). Anyhow, hope it helps....

I love the tree and stepping stone idea. Also cement garden things are nice like a lamb, angel, bunny or bench. A simple suncatcher in the window that makes rainbows is a great idea too. I would attach a nice note referring to the rainbows and rememberances of this little guy.

I personally know this family and the tragic situation. The family has a charity, Heart of Gold, they set-up after their son was diagnosed with hypoplastic left heart syndrome shortly after birth. The website is http://www.heartofgoldcharity.org/story.html. This charity provides support to families of children with heart defects. Donations can be made in Braden's name at this site.

Uhhh, my stomach just turns! Someone I work with just lost a child too and I have been sick over for the last two weeks! Gosh how it really makes you look at your life and appreciate what really matters.

There is a local mom who started a company of Sympathy Gifts and she has even been seen on Oprah. Quite a story in itself, anyway, she has wonderful gifts for every type of loss.

The Comfort Company
http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/

Please don't cancel your child's party, I am sure it will be difficult at times during the day. I am sure if they knew of your contemplation they would not want you to cancel. The family is going to need so much support and there are so many around right now but I really worry for the families after they have gotten through all the services and reality sets in. They are going to need support for a long time.

It is things like this that put what is really important in to perspective, especially during these times. I know it has for me.

Good Luck!

What about making a donation to Children's Hospital in the child's name? It has been my experience that your friend will need the most support in a few weeks. People are rallying around her now, but her reality will be more apparent in a few weeks. That is when she will really need people to talk to, bring her meals, etc. She is lucky to have you as a friend.

My heart hurts. One thing you should do is to write them a personal card or letter expressing your sympathy. Sometimes people really don't know what to say to someone who is grieving, but I know that expressing sympathy in any way is infinitely better than saying nothing at all. If you knew their child, mention something positive that you remember about him, something cute or funny that he did or said, for example. When my 20 year-old niece died, the best thing people did for me was to talk about things they remembered about her.

Honestly, I would cancel the party and go to the funeral and show your support. I am not saying ignore your son's bday, but it can be celebrated late. He doesn't even know at this age. And anyone else who was planning on coming will certainly understand. I am not saying this to be mean, its just that the best thing you can do is show your love and support for this family.

This is so sad - I can't even imagine the depths of their saddness. I haven't read your other responses, but there are places where you can make prepared meals and give them to them. Sorry, I can't remember the name of the place at all, but you go there and the food is all made, you just assemble the meals you want.

It is the most devestating thing a parent /family can go thru. A friend lost her 3 year old Daughter to cancer at Childrens Memorial. She loved the hospital. Donations in the child's name brought her great comfort as did the meals and cards people sent. I can tell you it has made her heart smile that at each anniversary she will get something from children's saying that someone gave a donation in her Daughters name. It makes her so very happy that her Daughter is still remembered!
I would not cancel your sons party, his birth should certainly still be celebrated as planned. It did not sound like you were family friends, sort of just co-workers. Meals are again a great help, however I would wait a couple of weeks everyone seems to do things in the first 2 weeks.
My thoughts and prayers are with this family during this trying time.
V.
I can say having the cards to read over the years are also extremely comforting.

OMG. As mothers, I know we all are near tears just reading about it. I would suggest thinking about what is necessary. Donating a tree in his name, contributing money to an organization that will help other children in his situation (heart or pediatric cancer) It's always thoughtful to prepare meals that they can freeze because when the numbing of this sudden loss ends, I'm sure she'll need plenty of time to pick themselves up. How about a cleaning service. Somehow, the basics are probably what matters. Sorry to hear about this. Hope this helps.

Hi A.,
What a tough situation. Why not plant a tree in the child's memory somewhere? If you know the family well enough, offer to help with other kids -- driving them around, making a few dinners, even helping with homework if you can. If no other kids, just invite them to dinner and give them the opportunity to talk about the child or not.
Good luck,
S. F.

I know this is different, but it just might be what they need, down the line. I also lost a nephew at 3 years old & my Sister has never been the same. I was thinking about naming a Star after the child. That way the parents could always "see" their Baby. Good luck with whatever you do.

we recently had friends whose son was killed in a car accident. there is nothing that you can do, except to support them with your friendship and prayers. help them with a meal and companionship. hold them and let them cry. cry with them.

You can offer to cook a meal or run an errand. Also check back with them in a few weeks, as their meals, etc may have run out and they will still need help and comfort.

first of all cancell ur party and have it next week.
or friends need ur support now just going over there and being with them is part of the heeling process that they need when in lose of a child

Perhaps bring them a meal or a gift certificate for carry out?

I would DEFINETLY send a personal card expressing your sympathy for the loss of their child. Let them know that you are there for them.

Attend the visitation if you cannot make the funeral. That means just as much to the family.

And a few weeks after the funeral, have your husband CALL on the phone (or you call if oyu were friendly with the couple.) and just ask if you can bring them over a dinner or send an ordered pizza man over to their house.

A small gesture goes a long way in showing that you are there to support someone who has lost a loved one.

When my daughter's friend past away when she was 6 we took turns taking dinner over to the family. We went around 4 so if the mother/father wanted company, a chance to talk they could. It was a great way to provide a support system for the family. Make sure if you do take food it is in containers they can keep.

Figure out if anybody is providing meals for the family and sign up to provide them with a hot meal or casserole and/or provide a gift certificate that can be used at a local restaurant to support your husband's co-worker's family.

I am so sorry for their loss. Our neighbor lost their little girl this past fall, she was 5 years old. This was the saddest wake I have ever attended. What a neighbor did was to send around a volunteer sheet, as to what night you would like to cook a full meal for this family in greif. A cooler was left outside this family's door and dinner was to be put in the cooler by 5:00pm (they also had another toddler that needed to eat early). It really felt so good to beable to help this family. The out pour of dinners made for this family was unbelievable!A note was then sent to let the family know who had made these wonderful meals. Hope this helps you!

With the loss of a loved one I have found that food is a great way to show you care. Many times grieving people don't really have the strength to go to the store or cook, or aren't ready to be in public yet.

When my grandma died many relatives brought my mom and dad casseroles and one called and said they were ordering out to have it delivered at our house and what did everyone want? My mom was in no condition to do anything about food, so the meals really helped her get her strength back.

Another relative sent my parents a basket full of Tastefully Simple things and fruit. The food was easy to prepare and delicious.

My condolences to the family. It's wonderful they have supportive friends like you to lean on.

How about organizing a meal team... have a sign up at your husbands work and have people deliver meals for different nights. I think this would be the BIGGEST help when they are mourning. They still will need to eat. I can't even imagine what they are feeling.

Hi A.~
While I haven't been in that exact situation, my son did have to have heart surgery when he was only 10 days old, and the chances of him surviving were very minimal. To this day, I still do something on that anniversary, just for memory sake, and something like this might somehow work for you as well. When it comes to the anniversary of Riley's surgery (my son), I make a donation to Children's Memorial Hospital in his name. He spent 17 days at that hospital, so I make sure to donate it there. So, maybe you could find an organization for his "cause" to make a donation of some sort in the child's name. I'm not too sure of what kind of organizations are out there for the death of a child, but I'm sure there is some pediatric heart association of some sort.
Otherwise, I agree with the other posts about the meals. I'm sure the family has way too much going on in their minds and hearts to worry about nice cooked meals.
For this I can speak from experience...Anything you do will be very much appreciated.
J.

I can't offer advice, just sympathy. I'm in a difficult position, too. I'm a teacher, and there was an upperclassman who needed CPR at the school. So far he's still alive. But I'm haunted by the scene I came upon. I'm hoping and praying he comes out of this. I don't know the child. I just saw him once. If he passes (God forbid), I don't know if I should go to the wake and give my condolences.

However, you shouldn't feel guilty about celebrating your child's birthday. He's so young. His day shouldn't be put off or be full of sadness. He'll pick up on that, and then his party will be ruined. Good luck!

M.

bringing a dinner is always nice and helpful especially right away. maybe bring a few....some to freeze...when the family has a "bad day" as you know there will be many. how sad, are prayers are wiht you and the family.