Dealing with Well-meant, but Poorly-timed Health Questions

Updated on December 19, 2013
A.M. asks from Silver Spring, MD
11 answers

Due to the holidays, we are seeing many extended family members, friends, and neighbors than usual. At almost every gathering someone has loudly asked a certain very specific question about my health. I can brush off the resulting stares from strangers, but three times, the question has been asked when my 7 year old was in earshot. Each of those times, I gave a very neutral answer "No news is good news!" in a fake cheery voice and quickly changed the topic.
I figure some of the lack of discretion is due to the questioner's true concern (and maybe too much egg nog), but I'm getting sick of it (oh, there's a pun). I don't want to avoid the next few social occasions, but short of sending out a mass text to all invitees to ignore my weight loss and lethargy, what's can I do? The worst offenders are my mom's cousins and friends from church --older women who won't even reveal their real ages, but expect me to tell them in front of my 2nd grader if II'll ever get better. "STFU" is not an option.
Some additional info:
1) My daughter knows that I am sick. She knows that I have a lot of doctor appointments and sometimes I have to go to the ER. She knows that I can't do some of the things that I used to do. She doesn't know that I will likely never be well again and that one of my health conditions will most likely shorten my life. She's 7, she doesn't need to know all that.
2) I've lost a significant amount of weight and my hair has thinned out. My skin has changed. I don't look good though I make an effort to dress well and style my hair. I rarely eat anything solid and alcohol is off limits. We're leaving parties early because I'm exhausted and/or in pain. People aren't asking "Are you sick?", but "Are you dying?" I am not dying any time soon, and I don't want to put the idea in my child's head.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I appreciate the advice. Yesterday, I told a mom "Thanks for asking, but this isn't an appropriate time" when she asked me at the celebration at Chickpea's school. It shut her up so I think I'll keep repeating that.

More Answers

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

So your 2nd grader does not know you are sick, yet you are noticeably tired and losing weight? I hate to tell you this, but he knows, and if you have not sat with him and explained what is going on he will just be even more scared. I understand the desire to protect them from all bad things, but you can't protect him from this by pretending nothing is going on.

It was hard to find the right way to explain my husbands brain tumor and brain surgery to my children in a way that would not scare them while still allowing them to understand what was going on so they would not be scared by the not knowing, but I found a way, you will too. But until you have had a chance to sit with him and have that talk just politely tell the askers that you do not wish to discuss it now, or that you will talk with them about it later because you want to focus on having fun for the holidays.

Blessed Be

10 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Richland on

Why don't you just explain what is going on, in terms he can understand. I have never hidden things from my kids because people ask things and a child's imagination is far worse than reality.

If you do that then there is no issues when people ask how you are doing, heck your kid will probably answer for you. Perhaps we have different personalities but it would harm my kids more keeping them in the dark than knowing the truth.

7 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Weren't you worried about taking your daughter to the hospital with you if you had to go to the ER unexpectedly last Oct?
Your child knows you've got health issues.
If you're looking like you're on death's doorstep, ignoring the elephant in the room is not sparing your daughter.
The questions just might cause her more worry than she's already got.
I wouldn't try to hide anything from her but give her info at a level that is age appropriate for her.
I don't know if you've got something terminal or not - apparently neither does your family.
Hopefully you've got a plan in place for what will happen / who will care for your daughter in the event you can not look after her anymore.
As for turning questions aside, you could comment 'bet you wish YOU could drop a few pounds don't you Aunt Marge/Uncle Bill?'.

3 moms found this helpful
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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

If you have not talked to your son, you should. Answer his questions so he knows from you (and "I don't know, but the doctors say...." is valid, too) vs making stuff up in his head.

For the busybodies, I think your answer is fine or a look that says that topic is not up for discussion.

3 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

"I'd appreciate it if you would not ask about my health in front of my child. You upset him and me." And then don't answer the question.

Why don't you stand up for yourself? For heaven's sake, you don't owe the old biddies an answer.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.T.

answers from New York on

I don't know what your health status is, but I will tell you that if your 7 year old is not aware that anything is wrong, it's time for a discussion. You may not need to go into extensive detail, but it's appropriate for him or her to know. When my kids were 7 and 3, I had cancer. The three year old knew that I had an operation, that I went to the doctor for special medicine shots a few times a month, he didn't know the word cancer. My 7 year old did know that I had cancer. We told her right away, used appropriate resources, made sure that she knew she could ask any and all questions, and had other people for support.
As for those who comment on your health, why not send an email ahead of time, giving them a health update and mentioning that holiday get togethers are a celebration time, and you'd appreciate no health discussions or questions at those times.
Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

K.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Ask your mom to politely mention to all of them that we're not discussing Persimmon's health concerns / issues during these festive events. If some well-meaning person mentions it, just politely say, "We're not discussing that during today's festivities" and change the subject. If they think you're being rude, remind them of the 7-year old standing nearby .... They're rude to inquire with your child so close.

3 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Persimmon,

You were concerned about back-up care for your child should you need to go to the emergency room for whatever is wrong with you, so I would presume your daughter knows you are sick.

IF you have not told your daughter you are sick and the doctor's are trying to make you better, you have done a disservice to your daughter. She, even young, deserves to know the truth about your health. PERIOD. She NEEDS to know you have a back-up plan in place and what's going on. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. So give her some credit and tell her what is going on, what your plan of attack is and should something go wrong, this is what will happen in regards to her.

When people ask? Just say - I'd rather NOT discuss it. We're here to celebrate. and move on.

2 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

well, for starters, i'd make sure my kids were au courant with my health situation (to age appropriate degrees) so that i wouldn't have to be fakey in front of them.
if you don't want to get into it, which is perfectly understandable, your current response is perfect. i'd keep that as my go-to.
i don't agree with relegating concerned friends to 'offenders' or 'old biddies' as one responder did. people rarely ask these questions to be ugly, and they probably feel that simply ignoring your obvious health issues would be far more hurtful than inquiring, and making sure you know they're concerned. i can totally see how old it gets, but short of just avoiding people, including all these people who clearly care deeply about you, you need to stay courteous.
khairete
S.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I may have missed something, but what is your health situation? Has it affected your appearance significantly?

It is rude for people to pry into your personal information health or otherwise, but maybe they really are concerned. I have an extended family member who has metastatic cancer and is going through chemo. She's lost a lot of weight and wears a wig. Everyone is aware of her condition and as a result, they let her do the talking about it if she chose to do so (and she was very forthcoming about it).

Perhaps something should be said to these people ahead of time...like "Persimmon is fine, and really wants to enjoy the holiday - health questions are off limits".

1 mom found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

"Thank you for your concern but I would rather not discuss that right now."
If they persist then say "I'm sorry the subject is closed."

Tell them you will send an email if they really want to know or you can talk about it when your child is not in the room.

1 mom found this helpful
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