Dealing with the Aggressive Toddler Next Door.

Sounds like it was time to take a time out anyway. Maybe this situation is not ideal but it can get better from here. anytime you see the family smile and wave. be polite. in a little while maybe the kids can start playing again. in the mean time make playdates with other families and keep busy.

You did right you should taught to the mother5 and explain to her when he gets to school and he wants to have friends he had to be friends wiht people it will do him a lot of good for him and you in the fututher good luck raised 4 and now have7 grandchildren A. no hills

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YOU DID RIGHT YOU SHOULD TAUGHT TO THE MOTHER5 AND EXPLAIN TO HER WHEN HE GETS TO SCHOOL AND HE WANTS TO HAVE FRIENDS HE HAD TO BE FRIENDS WIHT PEOPLE IT WILL DO HIM A LOT OF GOOD FOR HIM AND YOU IN THE FUTUTHER GOOD LUCK RAISED 4 AND NOW HAVE7 GRANDCHILDREN A. NO HILLS

Updated

YOU DID RIGHT YOU SHOULD TAUGHT TO THE MOTHER5 AND EXPLAIN TO HER WHEN HE GETS TO SCHOOL AND HE WANTS TO HAVE FRIENDS HE HAD TO BE FRIENDS WIHT PEOPLE IT WILL DO HIM A LOT OF GOOD FOR HIM AND YOU IN THE FUTUTHER GOOD LUCK RAISED 4 AND NOW HAVE7 GRANDCHILDREN A. NO HILLS

There are many reasons why I as a mother of 26 years don't believe this is a suitable playmate for your daughter, He sounds very undisciplined, very disrespectful, even at 3 he should had been taught not to hit, push, or be physical with girls, my husband taught our sons that from the get go. Bahavior wise he sets a very bad example for your daughter, and this type of behavior can make her aggressive if she starts to feel the need to protect and or defend herself. I was very careful about the people i hung around and the kids I had my kids around when they were little. I would walk around the neighborhood and see if you may meet another family more suitible for your family to hang out with. One day this other little boy may really hurt someone's child, you don't want it to be yours. J.

Hello, It's too bad that although the other mother was saying things to her son about his behavior, she was not really doing anything to protect you child. When my youngest (we have four grown children) was young, my sister and her ex would come over and turn their two boys loose. They were mean little children and my youngest was the one who always got hurt. He would not say anything until they left, but they always ganged up on him. One time it was with a crochet mallet in each of their hands. I would try to keep up with them, but they would always wait until they were out of sight. I finally gave him permission to hit them back. He still wouldn't. Well, one evening we had to take some money (for family pictures) to my sister. When we got there, my parents were there babysitting. These were my mother's favorite kids. We were sitting in the living room and the three boys were sharing a toy. They each took their turns and at one point it was our son's turn. One of the other boys reached over and slugged our son right in the nose. My husband reached out and popped the nephew in the side of the head. This was WAY out of character for my husband. The other nephew put up his fist towards our son and my husband told him to go ahead and he would do the same thing to him. The next day, my sister called and was pretty upset. She said that after my mom told her what happened, my brother-in-law wanted to come over and kick my husband's you know what. I told her that my husband had handled it a lot different than I would have, but that I wasn't going to appoligize for him. She continued being upset. I asked her if she was so upset, couldn't she understand how upsetting it was for our son to always get beat up, or how upsetting it was for us? She had to agree that it was upsetting for all of us. On one visit, one of her kids even walked up to our dog, who was wagging her tail at him, and kicked her right in the face. I made it very clear that that would never happen again. This was a dog who then tried to lick him after yelping. She was raised around all of our kids and daycare kids.
These two nephews are now grown and can't keep a job, wife, or anyone's respect. My sister is always talking about how proud she is of them. :-0
I recently lost my husband and am going to visit my family in the fall.
Continue to be your child's advocate. You are the ones who protect them. If at some point the children are allowed to play together, I would begin the play time with a reminder that we don't hit, push, etc. and if it happens, don't say anything, just take your chldren inside any and every time it happens. When dealing with children (or other parents) start with something positive about the child, throw in your needs, then end with something positive. Example: I really like the way you are sharing today. I just want to remind you that there is no hitting or pushing allowed. is any, we will have to go inside. You doing such a good job sharing." I call this sandwiching the problem. How you handle this will be an example for the other child as well as his parents.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I agree that the way you handled the situation is appropriate. I suggest that it might've been a good way to handle his aggressiveness all along. I appreciate when another adult steps in when I'm feeling ineffectual with my grandchildren and before that with my daughter. If she didn't like it your relationship may have ended sooner but it is right to protect your daughter. And she might've been relieved that you took control of the situation.

I suggest that you wait awhile so that everyone's feelings cool down and that she may later want to talk with you. Talking together could help clear the air so that you don't feel awkward living next to each other. I also would hope that she would realize that she's not being an effective parent in teaching her son how to behave and might ask you for suggestions at a later date. If she does, have a parenting book suggestion ready for her.

Talk with her using I statements and if she asks, make suggestions on how she could more effectively control his behavior by giving examples without using her child in the example. For example, you could say, "when a child.......I'd try......."

I also think it's possible at a later date that the two of you could still be friends by limiting the amount of time your children are together. I've had "over the backyard fence" sort of relationships that met one or two of my needs. And when your families are both in the front yard, you can talk with each other while staying in each other's own yard if both of you agree to keep the toddlers apart.

You could make a line between them and in fun treat it as a game. "Oh, oh, you've crossed the 'great divide" and the 'hob goblins' are going to come out." as you make funny faces and lunge towards the child. It will take more effort and may not be worth it but it's an idea.

If each mother provides toys for their child I think it might be possible for the adults to be together with the babies and the toddlers playing separately. The boy is developmentally still within the side by side play preference which may be one reason he's so aggressive along with having a mother who doesn't know how to handle it.

If you do get back together later, separate the children quickly when the boy first starts getting rough. You didn't have a chance to do so with this last incident and I say again, I think you handled it well.

Relationships work best when people are honest with each other and stand up for themselves and their children in a courteous way. Too often we feel like we have to be quiet because we don't want to step on toes or hurt others feelings. That feels too much like walking on eggs and when we do that negative feelings eventually emerge and something like this happens as it did with the fathers. I probably wouldn't want my husband to get involved after the fact but I think I understand why he did. Sometimes men seem to react more quickly, perhaps seemingly without thinking, but they also often resolve the issue in a direct practical way as a result. It does sound like it's best for the kids to not play together for now at least.

In the little boy's favor, he told on himself, which makes me think he knew he was wrong. He needed to be told that what he did was not acceptable. The mother apologized but did she ask him to apologize? That is the next step in the lesson. By using the word nice you were giving him a reference point to what is good behavior. Too bad his mother couldn't do that but good that you could.

He's 3 1/2! Every week there is a new phase of behavior; it's mine, 'NO', biting, pushing and even the best of parenting doesn't all together change the behavior. Work together, stay close to your child to protect them, but understand YOU will be having your behavior changes too. YOU will want support when YOU don't know what to do when YOUR child misbehaves. It will happen, because no one is perfect, nor every situation. This perspective comes from being friends with a diverse group of friends that have different styles, perspectives and if we 'broke up' every time something happened or judged each other it would be a sad world. Just keep trying!

That is a very touchy subject. It is always nice to have another mommy friend, especially when your kids are so close in age. However, you have to stand up for your kids first and foremost. I think you did everything just right. I agree that your husband probably shouldn't have said anything after you already did, but all is said and done. You can only take so much of your kid getting pushed around before you have to do something about it, especially after blood was drawn. As sad as it is to loose the 'perfect' playmates for your kids, you did the right thing in standing up for your daughter's safety. I don't really have much advice for you, but I think you did everything right. Good job for sticking up for your little girl!

Just reread Marda's response to your question until it is really a PART of you....she is right on the mark!! You need to keep this child away from your daughter for a while, not only to protect your daughter but to impress on that little boy ( AND his parents hopefully!!) that his behavior is not acceptable and that he needs to change his ways!!

I do not feel in any way you handled the situation poorly. I am shocked you held out this long. I own a preschool and I watch parents threaten their children all the time and never follow through so I get what you are saying. Unfortunately, it rarely is the child's fault. That being said. I think in your husbands defense if I came home and my daughter had a fat lip (especially from a boy) I would have flipped out as well. Hitting is a no no and a boy hitting a girl is a big no no in my book. I think being neighbors and sharing a play area are going to bring the kids together again no doubt. Perhaps giving yourself a cool off period may help, and maybe you can talk to the mom about how you feel. This is a sensitive subject ( I know because I have to do it all the time) so you need to choose you words carefully, but also let her know that you will not tolerate her son constantly pounding your daughter. I always try to say something positive when I have to say something negative. Maybe something like I know boys can tend to play rougher and are more physical then girls, but sometimes Johnny gets a little to rough. So I think it is a good idea that when they do play together we watch them closely and intervene before somethings happens. This way we can help Johnny learn about gentle touches and calm him down when he gets overly excited. Sometimes parents realize but just don't know how to go about disciplining their children. I hope this helps, because I feel for you if you have to remain there without the children being able to play together. The children by nature will want to play together and it is going to be very awkward for you I think to have to constantly avoid it. Good luck!!

I think Marda's advice was very good. I believe that with some time the kids will be playmates, again, but this time the little boy needs to know his boundaries. He needs specific rules and guidelines on how to play appropriately and parents need to supervise. When he makes bad playing choices then your daughter can not be around...and then you try the next day. He is just a toddler and he needs to be taught (along with his parents). Don't fret over this and when you see the family next door break the ice and speak to them...even if it's a "hello". I'm sure they have the same instinct to protect their son as you and your husband do with your daughter. Let it go.

Well by the time Daddy Bear got involved the situation was already somewhat handled. But he too has his feelings and went and took care of it. It is a hard situation, but I know that you did the right thing. If the parent is not going to handle taking care of the little boy then you as the child's parent who keeps taking the brunt of it does need to step in. I have had to do that before, it's just what we have to do. I would probably have not tolerated it as long as you have. I would have addressed the mother long before now and let her know that her child needed to STOP letting her child bully other kids and her! It's not going to get better for her, children will continue to dominate if they know they can. He may have got it from you when you spoke the way you did to him, but you won't know since your hubby stepped up also. But alas, the situation is what it is. Maybe eventually the children will play again, but for now it's the best solution. That family needed to learn a lesson too!

It sounds like you have given this mom a lot of opportunities and so sorry your baby girl was hurt. As the mom of boys I will tell you they are very, very busy from sunrise to sunset. I never get a break during the day. Many of my friends with girls always comment how exhausted I must be from the day. Your neighbor is most likely very tired and there could be other problems going on behind closed doors over there you aren't aware of. She may need help and guidance from a caring mom? If her friendship is important to you sit down and talk with her about the situation. Also ask your pediatrician for some ideas as they see this kind of thing all day long. When my sons have playdates with other boys us moms don't get to sit for a minute. They are wrestling, grabbing toys and being boys. We constantly are intervening to help them treat each other nicely and it takes effort and work. Sometimes there are 8-10 of them at a playdate! This situation is a great opportunity to work with your daughter on sticking up for herself. Truth be told, once she starts school you won't be there to defend the bullies so she needs to learn how to say NO! herself and get those kids to back off. This is up to you and in your court. You seem like a very sweet person that wants a friendship with her so I hope it works out. If it doesn't work then move on there are plenty of moms out there looking for friendships. Good luck!

S.,
First I just want to sympathize with you. I am going through the same problem. There is a little girl in our playgroup who is always hurting the other kids. The mom makes her say sorry but where is the negative consequence? I never see it. And then she does it again. Because the mom refuses to enforce her daughter stopping the behavior it puts me in the weird position of either confronting the mom or kid directly or just avoiding their family altogether. To be honest, I really wish she would make her daughter sit in timeout or swat her bum and make her sit in timeout. But I digress...this post is supposed to be about you not me.

I think you and your husband both handled it well. At this point you are putting your daughter in danger by being around this child. It would be like knowingly having her around a dog that bites. Since this person won't control their kid, it is up to you to separate them. Don't get mad at your husband. He was just reacting to the situation of seeing his little girl be hurt.

Parents tend to take any critisim of their children personally, rather than as constructive. Our biological kids were made from our flesh, our adopted kids hold our heartstrings just as tightly, they are an extention of our being, it's pretty hard to not feel defensive.

But....Hold on while I climb up on my soapbox...haha

Seriously, I keep thinking that a lot of this kind of behavior comes from the media. Parents turn on the TV, a video, or a game and leave the kids there as a babysitter. Media today is highly agressive and overtly sexual. I think children need more protection from media influence during their youngest years than they are getting. It's a know fact among teachers of young children that the ones who watch cartoons, videos, etc with aggressive themes, are busy playing those games during free play. So if your little neighbor watches action dramas etc with or without his parents, whats to stop him from trying out what he's seen?

Definitely do not let the kids play, and if the little guy is outside when you are, be very vigilant. As Kathy said, sandwich in behavior expectations between praise for behaving appropriately.

It probably wasn't great to have your husband say something after the fact. But, I think it is totally appropriate to say something to a kid who interacting with your own kid. If my kids do something wrong in the vicinity of another parent I totally expect them or at least want them to say something. "It takes a village" is exactly right. I think there are basic rules that all parents can agree: Don't hit, shove, grab, ask for permission before taking someone else's toy, etc., etc. Unfortunately, you have to be the model for the other parent. They obviously don't know what to do. What you did was perfectly appropriate.

I'm going to agree with everyone else and say you absolutely did the right thing. Keeping your daughter safe is your number one priority. It's a tough situation to be in but it happens all too often. I have found that it's pretty rare to come across another family who is as "on top" of discipline as we are with our girls.

I recently had to tell my two daughters that they may not play with the little girl two doors down (a girl they've been playing with for 5 years) because she has taken to lying, swearing, name-calling and using inappropriate sexual talk in our house. I've spoken to her about it directly, told her we don't do that in our house, but to no avail. The girl is only 8 years old, but she has a 16 year old brother who is horrible to her and the parents do nothing. So sad for everyone. Maybe after he moves away she will mellow out, but until then, I have to endure my girls' sad faces. :-(

Keep up the great work with your precious little ones and good luck with your neighbors. Stay polite, friendly and open and the kids may be able to play together when they're a bit older. Best of luck to you!

Absolutely you did it just right.
Now with the other mother, talk to her in a civil non hostel manner when you
see her, but don't say anything important.
Too bad the kids don't get along, but go on with your life. It's OK.
B. v. O.

Do you really need this kid to be friends with your daughter? there must be some other kids to play with. Seriously if he's already out of control at 3 then imagine him at 10. Find a mom's club in the neighborhood and make some new friends.

I'm a mom of 2 boys - 7 and 4. And they are aggressive little kids, who are always moving, and love to push and play rough. But I draw a line with my sons. No intentional hurting, and definitely no hitting, biting or shoving. My older son has a speech delay, so hitting was his mode of communicating as a toddler, but that wasn't okay with me. I have spent years redirecting and teaching him alternative behaviors. Before he could talk, we taught him sign language. When he was ultra frustrated, I showed him how to hit pillows on the couch instead of hitting his brother. There is always an alternative.

I think you did the right thing. You gave them so many chances, and while you want to be friends with that boy, he is not an appropriate friend for your daughter. She is obviously not safe in his presence. If you let the fat lip slide, then the kid will likely get more aggressive. Perhaps in a month or so, once the mother realizes this is a serious issue, you can try again. But I agree you should keep away from this boy.

You did what I would have done. Your protecting you little girl from getting hurt again. Well done.

Definately not! This needed to come to end. I would have done the same thing, and problably even sooner. I know it sounds nice in theory to have compatable neighbors with your kids, but until this mother gets a handle on her child, your daughter should not put up with this boys antics!! Maybe they will be able to play together when the boy gets older.

I think your husband was fine in telling the boy it wasnt ok. The parents of the little boy have let it go to far for to long. I think, let some time pass, be polite when you see them, and maybe talk to the mom - ask how they are doing etc. I would tell her about a book called "1-2-3-magic" its a fantastic book that my pediatrician reccomended to me for my 3 1/2 year old son who can be aggressive at times. Its an incredible book and the method is simple and easy. It really helped me and my son sooooo much. Maybe you could tell her in a really nice way that you have a friend in the same situation as her sons and that the book helped them....myabe she will get the book and get some help. Its a really simple easy fix - I bet she would be relieved to have it!