Dealing with Infant Rage?

Babies this young don't have "rage" because they are not capable of that emotion. They do indeed have frustration if they are hurting, sick, overstimulated, hungry, uncomfortable etc., but it troubles me that you are labeling it "rage" as if she is intentionally angry. She's not intentional about anything yet; her brain is just not developed enough; she lives in that second of time. It is normal for a child so young not to care about toys; normal for a child that young to want to see a human face (this is the start of learning what other people are). She is not "trying to hurt" anyone, ever; she is simply physically reacting to something in that moment--being in pain, being uncomfortable in whatever position she is in, etc.

If you consider this "rage" and think she ought to be happy with toys -- please get some good books on infant development and find out much more about what she really is going through. She is developmentally not capable of either entertaining herself (and therefore being quiet and happily alone) or being ragingly angry enough to hurt others on purpose.

She also is in trouble. She is in some kind of pain or discomfort and you are interpreting it as anger. Please insist that she get a more complete exam and tests from a doctor -- right now. You say she "just exited a colicky stage" but why do you say that when it seems obvious she's in pain? She may still be IN that stage, or has other issues. The fact she wants, then rejects, a bottle, sounds typical of a child who has horrible gas or colic or other issues -- the baby wants the bottle because she's hungry but rejects it quickly because drinking causes pain, possibly. (Have you never seen this before in a gassy baby?)

This may even be neurological--she may be a child who is very sensitive to stimuli and who is overstimulated a lot of the time and therefore cries and screams.

You and the mom don't need advice on how to "deall with these rage issues" because they're not the real issues. You have to find the underlying problem that is causing this poor baby so much pain or overstimulation. You say her last checkup showed she was healthy but that just doesn't matter -- something is wrong. Her mom needs to see the pediatrician again and demand referrals for some testing to find out what is going on here.

And as others note, never, never try "cry it out" with a young infant. Remember this: If you are not in her presence she believes you are gone, forever, and has NO concept that you are in the next room or that you will come "later." That means absolutely nothing to her at her age! Letting her cry it out means she is lying there feeling utterly alone; that creates a child who is very insecure and only cries more, not less. Please explain this to her mom so you both can work on being with this child and giving her what she needs -- your presence and a real diagnosis of what is going on.

I just read your blog, which gave more info.

1. was the bio mom to this child, hooked on drugs?
2. has anyone looked into weather or not this child has an allgery to the formula?
3. Is it possible that this child has acid refulx?
4. Is this child getting more than just the formula? are they trying to give her cereal?

I think this child needs to be taken to the dr. I think she is screaming for help and no one is recgonizing it.

Hope things get addressed.

Wow, you've just described by daughter when she was an infant. Inconsolable. From the night she was born, she cried. and cried. and cried. She would be beyond exhaustion and still cry. and cry. and cry. No doctor could find anything wrong with her. As she became mobile, the crying fits would turn into all-out rages and tantrums. She couldn't be consoled. But unlike the baby you described, it didn't make a difference if people were looking at her. In fact, as she got older, you couldn't touch her when she was in a rage. This went on throughout her early childhood until we were able to use medication to help regulate her sleep. Less than 12 hours of sleep each and every night would guarantee a rage. Eventually she was put on a mood stabelizer, and diagnosed with Aspergers (seperate from the mood issue.) The medications helps take the edge off the rages, but even as a teenager now it's imperative she gets the sleep. She's always been a poor sleeper so it's been a battle.

I agree with the others that there sure seems to be some sort of ailment or sensory issue going on here. Has her hearing and sight been tested? If she can't see well, things could be very scary for her and constant contact with a face could be comforting to her. Also her desire to always be standing could be telling. Stomach or digestive issue? Muscular issues? My advise, which I've learned the hard way, is to keep digging with doctor after doctor until you've found the answer. Good luck!

I know how frustrating it can be taking care of an infant. With little experience and faulty information, things can be even worse.

I read your blog. I know I am reading between the lines but if this child's mother was on drugs, you have bigger problems than colic. They can suffer after effects that cause them to have physical reactions that are not normal for them. They also can have attachment problems. These need to be addressed with a competent pediatrician. She needs to be evaluated for her needs, if her mom was on drugs.

If not, please read some parenting books. This is also a good site to learn about a baby's needs and your parenting/nanny choices. Right now, you have quite a bit to learn. It's your job to love her. Not just feed, change and tolerate her.
A baby this little doesn't ever need to cry it out. It's certainly not going to help with her behavior.
Babies this young don't play with toys. They watch things, respond to loving talk, smile, listen to singing, reading, or soft music. She likes to be held/try to stand. You can wear them in a baby sling in order to get things done. Don't expect them to entertain themselves. At any temperament, that's not going to happen for very long.
They like you to look at them because they like attention and they read your eyes for love. They can tell when you are frustrated or angry. It makes them even harder to be layed down for a nap.
Are you feeding her enough? They cry and look for things to mouth when they are hungry. It may look like she is trying to bite. Try feeding her more formula.
Mouthing things is also how a baby discovers her world. Instead of just looking at things or feeling with their hands, they love to stick things in their mouth. She is not trying to bite anyone. Please don't put crazy motivations on her. She's just a baby.
She is a needy child. One that you or mom may not be able to parent in the way that's best for her. Please seek help from the doc or public health clinic to help you make the best decisions.

A 3 month old does not have the necessary skills to calm herself. You should NOT be letting her cry it out at this point.

Also, at 3 months, the colic is probably on its way out, but might not be completely in the past yet, so that is likely still a factor if she is having uncontrolable screaming fits.

I would suggest that this baby could be overtired, and thus unable to fall alseep well, or stay asleep well, and her "fits" are because she is so tired that she cant get it together and is combined with colic symptoms that are still somewhat present. I am a fan of Marc Weisbluth's book called "Happy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child". Post-colic babies do tend to suffer from being overly tired than average babies. He writes a whole section of the book about post colic babies. For you, it might help to really work on her nap schedule and see if you can get her sleeping more during the day. She should be awake for no more than 2 hours between naps. You are looking for the "window" where she is tired but not overtired. This helped me SO much with my kids and also my brothers kids, one of which had colic. Definately worth a read in my opinion.

I've never seen a 3 month old try to "hurt someone."

Is there a health issue causing her angst maybe?

I'd be finding a children's hospital and taking her to a developmental pediatrician for an intensive physical. Something is really wrong and you just have to figure out what it is. I would not be letting her stand up. Her little bones are not developed enough for that and the weight on them can really hurt her down the line.

Now is the time to get a plan put together for her to deal with her issues. If you don't, things will just get worse. She cannot be consoled, cannot make sense of her world, and will not bond with the caregivers in her life if you don't get help. This would be very scary to me, quite frankly. This is way more than colic - and by the way, colic usually doesn't end until around 6 months.

I would be wearing this baby in a papoose of some kind if there was any possible way that I could. (I didn't wear my kids around the house because of my back.) I think that the reason she is better with your husband is that he makes her feel more secure because he is stronger - you cannot be wishy-washy with how you physically handle this baby. She is far too physically sensitive.

The developmental ped can get you help with an OT who has experience with infants. I would bet the moon that this baby has some tough sensory integration disorder issues and will need OT. If you all DON'T get help for her, she will be a raging toddler/child and all of your lives will be hell.

Sorry to be so doom and gloom, but I really do think this.

Try a different nipple on the bottle she may not be able to suck good on the one she has.

A 3 month old should never be allowed to cry it out!! Something is not right, ok.

Just based on what you've written here, I wouldn't say necessarily that there's anything drastically wrong with this baby. She may just want what she wants and like what she likes, and if she's not getting that, she goes from zero to pissed off in nothing flat. My older daughter was like that as a baby, and now as a 10 year old, she's still quite particular about certain things, and will get very riled up over them. She becomes aggravated by the fit of clothing (uncomfortable seams bother her, as do certain fabrics), loud noises bug her, she's choosy about the types of foods she likes (she eats a wide range of foods, but just has strong opinions about what she wants). If she's not getting enough sleep, she melts down... and she's 10! Imagine her at 3 months!! Ugggggh. In hindsight, if I had had her on a sleep/eat/play schedule (like Babywise), I think we both would have been much happier. Kids like this don't do well if they're lacking sleep, and if she can cry for hours... she's lacking for sleep almost certainly. So, if you have the chance to read On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo, I would recommend it. I used that method for my second child and it made a HUGE difference in the overall happiness of the baby, as well as our whole household.

For those who think that a young baby can't feel rage, I'd agree that probably *most* babies don't. However, there are some who can, and do. I mean, babies that age aren't supposed to want to stand all the time, but my oldest did. Babies are supposed to love tummy time, but my daughter HATED IT with a depth of passion that was surprising in one so young (yes, I would actually use the term "rage" - she would get so upset she'd throw up!). She went through her "terrible twos" from about 10 months - 18 months, and then suddenly started acting like a 3 year old (at 18 months, she was hitting 3 year old milestones... it was weird).

So, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that something is horribly wrong with this baby. I would say that she probably needs more, and more consistent, sleep than she's getting. Getting her on more of a schedule might help. But she may just have a prickly personality. Some people are that way, and they're like that from day one.

I would be talking to the parents about it.
And, I would be curious to know, how they handle it.... ?
Or is the baby just like that, at your place?

She really needs to be properly diagnosed.
This is not normal.
Being "healthy" at a check up is one thing. But this is behavioral.
Which is another thing.

Then, being their seems to be other people/kids there, when the baby is there... and you said the baby is trying to hurt "whoever is holding her the next...." then... why is, other people holding her? Are you the Primary Caregiver... or there are others there too who watch the kids?

Are you, documenting this and talking to the parents about it?

Has she ever been worn? She is way too young for cry it out. She may be "healthy", but maybe has a sensory issue? She's not biting to hurt people, she's biting because that's all she can do out of frustration is flail and bite. Perhaps you and her parents can try recording her for a while to catch her when she's "normal" and then when she looses it, and then the parents can take that to the doc.