My husbands family has a shared vacation home. Its very special to him and we've had lots of great times there. And now to be able to share it with our kids is something we were hoping to make truly special. However, when it gets right down to it, I've really grown to dislike going, and its really starting to cause tension between me and my husband. He and I are definitely of the same mind when it comes to why we are frustrated with the place, but our approaches are different.
He believes that we should just enjoy what we can, when we can, and leave the place as good as we found it, and grin and bear the constant state of clutter, mess, etc.
For me, I *really* value a clean and orderly space. I don't find much relaxation in going away for the weekend and feeling uncomfortable in what is supposed to be our home too. Granted, I am probably on the obsessive-compulsive end of the neat freak spectrum, But driving 4-5 hours to end up scrubbing toilets and navigating around everyone else's junk is absolutely no fun for me. And things came to a head with my husband this weekend. He's basically recommending that I suck it up or don't go in the future. I've tried putting my game face on, but I just can't get past it. I want to make it better, but if I act alone w/o buy in from the others, it won't actually may any difference (the rest of the family winds up spending a lot more time there than we're able to do). The few times I've suggested improvements, they have been shot down (except calling a pest control service, thank goodness...oh yes, there were bugs, mice, you name it -that's at least under control).
But I find my not going is not a great solution either. At least one I can't seem to get on board with right now. It would cut into our time together as a family and also we've made a significant financial commitment to the place, which I'm not happy about having done or continue to do if I'm not actually there to enjoy it.
Then couple this all with very opinionated and strong willed family members that I always have to interact with while there, the stress of packing/unpacking, the long drive to get there with small chlidren, etc. and it just all adds up!
Feedback appreciated, even if its just people responding, "yes honey, just suck it up and enjoy" which maybe I need to hear from more people than my husband right now, or any other suggestions as to how I can make this work for our family better! You should see/hear the excitement when we tell our son we're going there, and how sad he is when we leave. I'm just feeling a bit like my husband is choosing this place (with its faults) over finding an amicable solution, most especially with me!
Maybe you can all agree to hire a cleaning service that will get the place scrubbed down and ready for the family. If they have had to pay to get their mess cleaned up then maybe they will keep it that way. Bugs, mice and other critters inside is unacceptable for anyone to have to deal with because of something that can be controled. Wanting the place clean is not too much to ask and the rest of the family should want that too.
Any chance you can find a cleaning lady in that area who'd be willing to go in a couple of hours the day before you arrive? Not like a whole maid service, because that can get expensive, but someone to tidy up, change the sheets and run the vacuum.
It's a small price to pay for harmony in your family.
HTH
T.
I think that you are well within your rights to feel the way you do...While I may not be a neat freak....The idea of dealign with Pests and other people's unlcleanly behavior would gross me out and send me over the edge...Not to mention the increase in the bed bug problem speading throughout the country these days. Definitely get agreement for the family to pitch in and have a regular pest control service/cleaning people to get the job done....It is not your responsibility to be the "cleaning lady." If you continue to do this then no one sees the problem......If no one helps out and you don't get a service in there then you are well within your right to stay home and avoid it...
Since others were willing to sign on to a pest control service, have you tried suggesting a weekly or bi weekly cleaning service? I know that wouldn't handle the "stuff everywhere" issues, but it would at least mean that you no longer have to devote the little time you get to spend there to cleaning the toilets.
The only suggestion for some of the other issues is that you do your best to ignore the things you can't control and try to enjoy your time with your husband and kids when you have the opportunity to go. Maybe spend more time in the community surrounding the house vs staying home and dealing with the clutter left behind by others.
I am not sure what you want hubby to do. I think you are creating some great memories for your little one and it sounds like you are the one choosing not to get along. I wish I could support you, but I'm with your hubby on this one.
I completely agree with getting the cleaning lady - the rest you may need to try and relax. Be prepared that the rest of the family may not want to pitch in - so if that's the case, hire the cleaning lady to clean before YOUR family arrives. I think paying $75 for peace of mind, a more harmonious marriage and wonderful memories for your child is well worth it. As for the pest control service, that is non-negotiable and everyone should pitch in for that. It's one thing if folks want to live in clutter - another thing entirely is pests!
It's not your job to clean up after other people, but I understand the necessity. I think you should talk to your husband, without nagging, to see if maybe he could communicate with the family that there isn't very much space there, and to see if everyone can find some way to better organize things there... including who gets what chores, and what the consequences will be for not doing them.
I also recommend going less. Not stopping going, but seeing if these family vacations can be just a little less frequent. I'd bring it up like this, "Honey, I know that your family is important, and I love them too, but if we could maybe spend an occasional weekend where we'd usually go together as our little family, I'd really appreciate it. You and the kids mean so much to me, and it's really important to me to get some extra time with you without the stresses of everyday life, or more family. Just us, please?"
I don't think it is too much to ask for a to have a clean vacation destination!!! Would your husband stay in a dirty hotel room?!?! I don't think it is unreasonable for everyone staying to pay a cleaning service to come and get the place clean afterwards so that the bugs, mice and other pests don't come back (and so that it is clean for the next family members who stay)!!! But, that would need to be done every time his family stays (not just when you do)! Otherwise, I think you should gently talk to your hubby and tell him that you understand what it means to him and your kids to visit family at this destination but all you are asking is for it to be moderately clean (like a clean bathroom and kitchen!) and maybe you guys could spring for a cleaning company to come out BEFORE you stay the night from now on. You will probably just have to deal with the piles of clutter...If you husband is still angry then maybe you could try staying behind and see how that works out...after that I have no other suggestions except counseling if this creates a horrible rift in your marriage. Best Wishes for a clean and happy vacation!
we have our own vacation home and everyone in our family respects the home and tries to keep it orderly but when there is a big group, the clutter is unbelieveable. Before you go up, hire a cleaning service for the bathrooms, kitchen and floors. Hopefully only about $100 and well worth it.
The other challenge is often there is no place to put things so they get stacked up in corners etc. Is it possible to invest in some organizational things, towels bars, shelves, coat hooks, to make it easier to keep things clutter free.
The rest you probably do need to suck up. Get away from the house or retreat to your own room when you need a break. Big groups = big mess, but also big memories for your children. Your neat freak could be driving others crazy and it's like pushing water uphill to try to try to keep this kind of place clean
I agree with the majority on this one. Hire someone to clean the place before your family arrives so that everyone (i.e. You and your husband) can enjoy the vacation time. As for the clutter you may have to suck that up a little bit, it is a vacation house after all. Try to toss the clutter into a closet or space that isn't being used. Or, if there isn't much storage space maybe you could add some shelves or bins or some other inexpensive solution. Hopefully you and your husband can work this out so everyone is able to enjoy your vacation time together.
I like you am a clean freak. But not on vacation lol!! My husband always laughs at me and say's I am a different person on vacation. I am messy on vacation, but dirty that's a whole other ballgame. You are creating wonderful family times and memories for you son. As long as your space, (your bedroom) bathroom, is clean then you have no control over what others do. Bring some disinfectant wipes with you and wipe down the bathroom when you get there. If you have to share a bathroom then I am with you, I can't even shower in a hotel shower without wiping it down. I know where you are coming from but you are not going to change how the others live, so your choices are pretty obvious. Suck it up or stay home. But it really isn't your husbands fault and I am sure there is nothing he can do about it. It's not fair that you have to clean but you are the one it is bothering so if it makes you feel better take an hour clean when you get there and then enjoy the rest of the weekend. Good luck!!
