I had a horrible email this morning from an aunt. It started off mentioning her melanoma has returned and talked about treatment. I started to feel bad for her. However, after those couple sentences, she goes on a long tirade about my grandparents, trashing them as parents, then trashing my mom for moving out (uh, she was 20 and getting married!) and "abandoning" her when she was young, and mentioning that tough cookies that she hasn't visited my dying grandma in over five years or helped my parents with her care. Really, really awful stuff.
This aunt has never been kind (and has been terrible to my parents), but I stayed in touch because she hadn't said anything rotten to me directly until lately and it's gone downhill rapidly. As the parent of a special needs child, my world is stressful enough, so I decided enough is enough. I sent a brief response: "I am sorry to hear the medical news and wish you well with treatment. However, I simply don't have the energy to deal with toxic emails, so please don't contact me further."
My brother showed this to his wife, who apparently thought I was harsh. What do you think? I'm good with candid feedback here. I just don't need this aunt in my life if all she's going to do is flood my inbox with her drunken rants. She shows no interest in me or my family other than trying to shock us with her "insights." Haven't seen her in 11 years.
ETA: I bcc'd my response to my brother since he also received her email message (it was sent to me, my parents and my brother), so he'd know how I handled it and that I finally was cutting off contact with my aunt. Never occurred to me he'd show his wife, although I'm fine with it.
It's possible she's dying. Don't know because she only gave a brief mention of her situation. However, she went on her tirades long before the cancer. Again, I felt bad at first reading her sad news but then when 99 percent of her message was rotten, lost the sympathy. It was just another one of her nasty emails. I will not feel any sense of loss if I never hear from her again.
Thanks so much for all of the feedback. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling good today about my decision, so I know it was the right one.
Sometimes the only way to handle people like that is to cut them off! If she has nothing positive to say, and never has , what else are you supposed to do?
She's looking for someone to join in with her nasty gossip and tyrades.
Misery loves company! You did the right thing!
I don't think you were harsh at all. Frankly I think you were rather polite about it all. You very easily could have totally trashed her be recounting years worth of her bad behavior for her. You took the high road and didn't throw it all back in her face. You simply said I don't have time for this drama and ended the relationship. Kudos to you. Peace and Blessings!!!!
Ok - totally honest feedback? You didn't need to send that email.It seems a bit harsh to me, and like all it will do is prolong the drama. If you don't want to have a relationship with her, just delete her emails before you read them. She'll keep emailing you for awhile and then stop emailing when it's obvious you're not engaging.
You did the best thing! You were polite enough, explained how you felt and that's amazing. I would have went off. So tell your brothers wife to shove it, stick to your guns, just because someone has cancer doesn't mean they can drag everyone around them down.. it's her own fault she'll die angry and lonely. Be proud that you behaved in a way that she never could.
You know, there are some people who think that family is family, and no matter what they say to you, you should always be nice and never say anything mean or harsh to them no matter what they may say to you. Perhaps your brother's wife is one of those types of people. My mom is that way; even when her cousins were so mean to her, she still didn't cut off contact with them and would be nice to them (and then complain about them to us behind their backs).
I don't agree with this mentality, though. If there is someone who is constantly toxic in your life and there is nothing positive about the relationship whatsoever, there is no reason to keep in contact with them. I don't blame you one bit for writing your e-mail to her, and I think you were even a little nicer than you could've been. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and telling her upfront that you have no desire to deal with her toxic e-mails.
If the thing you did feels right to you, then you did the right thing.
We all have our own ways of achieving peace.
Peace to you.
:)
My MIL in toxic. She is a miserable person and wants everyone around her to be miserable as well. She even went so far as to ask if I thought one of her grandkids was retarded just because she didn't like the way she looked! You don't need that in your life. No one does. Cut her off and live your life happy.
not harsh at all!!! you did the right thing and you were very civil! dont waste your time on her, focus on your wonderful kiddo!!!
I wish I could have the guts to do what you did....good job.
I think you're completely justified. Congratulations for having the guts to go through with it. You should feel liberated!
M. - I think your response was healthy. Your Aunt has the option of taking a look at her actions, revising her behavior and rejoining your life. Or not. You set up a healthy boundary to protect yourself and allow you to focus on the priorities of your life. You were not rude and your communication was clear. Well done!
I TOTALLY agree with Theresa. You are a smart woman, Theresa!
You set a boundary which sounds very reasonable. You can sympathize with her medical issues but you are right to keep that seperate from her behavior and let her know if she can't you won't deal with her. It's possible your Sister in law may think it is harsh because she has never had the unfortunate experience of having someone who is mentally unstable so close to her in her life. Two people in my family are probably Borderline (one is a parent who has passed) so I know how others without this experience can think you are harsh, cold etc... The best thing you can do is set a boundary to protect yourself and stick by it. You have a family to protect.
Well coming from someone who has a toxic stepdaughter whose number one goal in life is to destroy ours I can say to you that you did the right thing. Especially if she has a history of this type of behavior. She sounds very narcissistic like my stepdaughter and unfortunately this is the only way to be with them. They do not think the way we do. So for those who feel it seems harsh, I would agree with you if this was a one time occurance but seeing how it isn't per her history given by CAWriterMom, that this was probably the only response called for. Life is too short to deal with such negative behavior. If they don't want to play by rules of decency and caring, then you have no choice but to cut them out. We've had to with our nutcase (can't think of a better term at the moment). The last time I responded to ours was exactly as you have done but ours was more harsh. I have made it clear to her that we do not wish to ever hear from her ever again. Unfortunately, that hasn't completely stopped her but the difference now is that we don't respond at all. I have her blocked from everything on the computer. She does not have our phone numbers (they are unlisted) but she does have our address which she has sent us letters to. Of which I have put into a file. A file that is pretty thick. If she wants to send us stuff to use againist her later if need be, then that's her choice. All I'm trying to say is this, you have to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Life is too precious to waste on such drama. You can not reason with them because like I said, they do not think like you and I do. I also wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this. I know exactly how you feel. Focus on those who what to participate in a healthy productive manner. For those who don't, it's their loss. If others in your family don't agree with you, then that's their problem. Just tell them that is what you have to do for your immediate family in order to remain sane. That if they want to keep the drama in their lives that is there choice but this is your choice. Good luck!!!
Well....your response was blunt and a bit rude, but considering her email to you...she probably had it coming.
Sad thing is--she probably still won't *get it*!
well done! You gave her the info she needed (treatment issues, fine. judgement, not so fine). I wonder who her next target might be.
Another option might be to respond only to that which you want to encourage and ignore the rest. But if "drunken rant" is true, then nothing will help. You can't fix the past anyway
you go girl. People with problems like your aunt do not understand boundaries and frankly think they can throw their trash in anyone's yard with no consequences.
The sad thing is that she is probably drunk emailing and doesnt recall much of what's she has written. She is writing out of her pain and disfunction which is terribly sad but it doesnt mean that you have to allow it in your life. Until she understands that her actions have consequences and alienates the people she loves, she will never change.
You just enjoy that family of yours - block her emails and ignore her calls until you have assurance from a trusted family member that she is getting back on track. She is going to have to earn a place in your life and that is simply okay.
I just went through something like this myself from my Aunt. I had made a comment on FB to a friend here in Fl & all the way from Indiana my cousin somehow reads this & takes offense. The next thing I know my Aunt is cursing me & calling me some words & I had no clue how to respond. Im not close with this side of the family as they are very "drama" ridden we just live different lives, but whenever Im in Indiana I try to contact them b/c we are, afterall, family. I finally decided to send her a little message apologizing for the mistake & tried to clarify what I had said but the tirade just continued. I finally blocked them on FB & that was the end of that. To hear tell it from other family members they are still talking about it & angry as ever at me like I did something absolutely horrible to them. You learn a lot about people by way that they handle things. I think you were up front & to the point & not in the wrong. You dont need people like that in your life, & think you could have chosen a lot harsher words if you wanted to. Surround yourself with those who want to see you happy, good luck.
Your response to her email was perfect! You're looking out for yourself and your family. You're busy and don't have the time/energy to deal with an unreasonable person like this.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and your family. Just because they are blood doesn't mean they have to be our family. I think you did the right thing. She is toxic and you are right---she won't change. Don't worry about your SIL comments---whats harsh for her may or may not be harsh for you. You do you and she will do her. GL
M
... yes she is Toxic.
You laid it out and told her.
Which is good, otherwise people like that will continue to use you as a door-mat and as a dumpster. Causing you harm, mentally/emotionally.
I have a relative like that.
I also, detached myself/my family, from her.
Now, the 2nd issue here is:
IS this Aunt's health really what she says? Or is she just wanting attention?
Next, is she dying???
If so, then her reactions to others and her emotionality and regression in emotions... and toxicity... may be a result of, her life being so.... fragile and her life... maybe in a tenuous situation, medically.
When people are dying... they react as: sentimental and loving, or they lash out. Because, it is a process of grieving and regret or life or embracing their life they had.
My Dad, died after a long illness. People in bad health ebb and flow in their emotions... and their reactions to it. And in reaction to others... being bitter or not, or graceful about it or not.
Again, I do not know, the extent of your Aunt's health or prognosis.
But, IF the case is, that her illness is degrading her life, then she may be reacting, in light of that.
And lashed out on you. Displacing her inability to handle her most recent health scare.
Melanoma, is the most deadly of skin cancers.
But as you said, this Aunt has never been a kind person.
But the whole scenario of what she is dealing with, her health, may very well have colored... her recent tirades. And as you said, she trashed your parents too in a very hateful manner.
Yes, this Aunt, is toxic and mean.
And you live with that legacy.
But, most probably, this Aunt does not know how to handle things in a normal manner.
AND is she alone? Has a Spouse? Or is just by herself and has no friends to get support from, per her recent health prognosis?
But yes, you have a right to designate your boundaries.
She is, very Toxic.
I don't tolerate drama from anyone.
If they want to vent their toxic opinions let them pay a therapist/psychiatrist to put up with it.
If your SIL thought it was harsh, she is more than welcome to try dealing with the Aunt as long as she wants/can stand it (until SIL gets fed up with it), and THEN let's revisit the 'harsh' verdict again and see if it stands.
In future (if the Aunt hasn't deleted you off her distribution list), just mark her emails as SPAM and it will automatically land in your delete file (or you can auto delete it).
GOOD FOR YOU! Stick to your guns and don't keep in contact. If she replies back. Delete it and block her email. There really is no reason for this. It hit me when I was divorcing at 39 and turning 40 that life is too short to be unhappy. So I decided then and there that I was going to be happy, not do anything I don't want to and to get rid of all the crappy people in my life...and I did and its been great ever since. Good luck, you did the right thing. =)
If you really dont ever ever want to hear from her again, then it was to the point enough. Its a never a good thing when someone feels the need to exile a family member from their life.You may have just lost your aunt for the rest of her life. You might someday wish you hadnt added the last part. But, I also think, if she is as bad as you say, she wont let this drop. You will no doubt hear from her over and over and it wont be pretty. You might want to block her emails, or change yours, and let anyone in the family who you are still in touch with, what your decision is so they will be ready to dodge the flack she might give them on your behalf. Be prepared for some of them to not agree with your way of dealing with her. Too bad sometimes this is how it is.
I think you handled it well. I'm a direct person, and the "just ignore her till she goes away" seems like such a cop out. She is toxic, and she needs to know why you are cutting ties. I doubt she will really care other than it now one less set of ears to spew her venom to. Your SIL can keep in touch with her if she feels that badly for her. Let your aunt trash her and her family.
