Daughter Wants to Move Out

Tell her to take it from someone who has been there - don't do it! When I was 17 (right after I graduated high school) I moved in with my boyfriend and his 4 roommates. Worst mistake ever! First of all - boys that age are gross and they don't know how to clean up after themselves. The house started out really nice (these were all college guys and their parents were helping with bills) and by the time they were done with it - it was just icky. Secondly - the relationship was over within 6 months of my moving in. By December I moved back in with my mom. I just couldn't get away from him fast enough! It's just not a good idea at that age - especially with so many roommates.

There is no way to stop her from moving if she is 18. This is just the beginning of her trying to assert to "adulthood" and independence.

If she truly wants to move, she will.

Since she is 18, if she asked to stay the night on weekends, I would let her. To me, that would be a compromise to keep her from moving out.

AFTER READING SOME OTHER POSTS:

You can't force your daughter to use birth control, but you can suggest when your talk with both she and her boyfriend that they go to Planned Parenthood. I believe birth control at this agency will be at no cost or low cost for this young couple. However, since you say they have been together for four years....You've probably covered that issue. That would be the one thing I would pay for if Planned Parenthood will not.

Does this mean that there will be five males and your 18 year old daughter living in the same place?

You daughter has been with this boy since she was 14, so she basically has no real life experience. Rather then loosen up, I suggest you "tighten up". Have your daughter and her boyfriend sit down and write out a budget, based on his income. (Rent, utilities, food, gas, insurance, cable etc.) She already knows you are against this move (at this time), but she is 18 and is free to go. Tell her you and dad will not finance this move and any other concerns you have.

I would think the four other room mates would resent your daughter being there and not contributing. Is the boyfriend able to pay her part of the rent?

Legally - not much you can do. You don't have to finance the choice though.

I would tell her if she chooses to move in there is no financial support from you. No car, no car insurance, etc. No money. She wants to move out and be an adult, she needs to pay her own way. I would make sure she is on birth control if she isn't already (and I would pay for that). Last thing they need is a baby on the way in those circumstances!!

I agree with Toni V and will add that she will be back in a hurry. Yuck, who wants to live with a bunch of dirty boys. She's going to hate it.

Just don't enable her - cut her off 100%. This includes all things including a wedding, college, whatever. If she is on her own at 18, then she is on her own. Be strong.

I'd say no.

I mean, you can't FORCE her to stay, but you don't have to help her financially with a move until she graduates.

I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but where the heck is her father? Why isn't he talking about self-respect with this young woman? No self-respecting young woman moves into her boyfriend's house (unmarried, can't support herself, living off of other people).

I would talk to her about getting a job and a female roomie to share an apartment with while she's (hopefully) attending community college or something.

She needs to understand that adulthood isn't about "getting to do whatever you want," it's about standing on your own two feet and behaving in a way that is admirable and respectable.

Being a leech that lives with 5 dudes is NOT respectable.

ETA: Oh yeah...about the engagement: I too was engaged when I graduated high school. I was with my BF for 2 years. He was wonderful.

We went on a trip together and visited his family in Idaho. It was lovely, his family was lovely, and his extended family was awesome.

Then I realized something.

I was 18 years old, engaged, and that visit to Idaho was the first time, as an adult, that I'd left my home state of Washington.

I hadn't DONE anything.

I was getting married, and was going to be a wife and eventually a mother...and I had never gone anywhere or done ANYTHING.

I panicked. I broke off the relationship, moved out, and started travelling, taking odd jobs. Living.

I don't regret doing that. But I can darn sure tell you, I would have regretted marrying right out of high school.

If your daughter were moving into an apartment with her boyfriend that is one thing but moving out and moving into an apartment with five males not a good move. I don't care if the boyfriend is there. A male at that age is a hormonal wreck waiting to happen. It's not what the respectible young woman would do.

You can give her your blessings or hold them but let her know that you are not financing the move. She wantst to move and be the woman then she can move without any funds from you.

Should she discover or wake up and realize this is not what she had in mind, you can draw up a written contract as to what you will expect from her should you allow her to return home for a brief period of time and pay rent like six months. After that time she will be on her own.

Your responsibilty to her is over. Take that money and save it for a rainy day or for a down payment on a house in the future when she does marry some one of character.

She is choosing her bed now she will have to live in it.

The other S.

She's 18. She's legally an adult. She can move anywhere she pleases and you can't stop her.

I'm sorry, mom. I have a friend whose son was in military school (he was a real problem at home and this actually helped him.) He made it all the way to his senior year (like your daughter) and in February, left school and moved to the beach to move in with a group of friends. He started painting houses in the spring. His parents were devastated - less than 4 months before graduation and he split.

He did find out how hard life was. A series of dead-end jobs, roommates taking advantage of him, and no high school degree.

They would not let him come home. He didn't really want to, but they didn't give him the option at all. It was a good thing, really. He was (and still is) a really hard personality. Ten years later he is STILL having to realize that we have to WORK to get to the top, that no one will give us better jobs just because we want them.

He did later get his GED, but no college. Later he wanted my friend to pay to send him to Cordon Bleu chef school (he works as a chef in a chain restaurant), but with his entitled attitude and the way he treats people (and his inherent laziness), she decided that at 26 years old, he needed to be on his own and she would not do this for him. I didn't and don't blame her.

I guess that if I were you, I'd tell her that she can't take anything with her except her clothes, and that she won't have a cell phone or vehicle to drive. I'd tell her that if she will wait until May, and actually graduate (not fail her classes), that you will continue to pay for her cell phone, and that you'll help her set up housekeeping.

Is she using birth control? You really ought to take her to your gyn and get her depo provera shots. If she doesn't have reliable birth control, she may end up begging to bring your future grandchild home to you. To me, that's a lot worse than anything else.

Don't push her for a wedding. If she wants to live with him, let that be up to her. Your goal right now should be for her to finish school and not get pregnant. Tell her that this is all you require of her, and then you'll let her go with open heart, and acceptance if it doesn't work out and she wants to come home (provided that she goes to work or community college.)

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. You're grasping at straws to try to find something to keep the good kid you know you have. However, she sees stars right now and wants a "dorm" living situation without the studying. You can't make her stay, but you can sweeten the pot to just get through the following months. You might even tell her that as long as she comes home every night and goes to school in the morning, (and passes her tests and turns in homework) that she doesn't have a curfew, provided that she has gone to your doctor for birth control.

It's hard when our kids want to grow up too fast. I'm grateful that my older son wanted to go to college and acts mature and independent (for the most part LOL!) I do support him financially for college, but told both of my kids long ago that if they aren't in college (in my older son's circumstance, not just passing, but doing well enough to keep his scholarship since it's substantial), that they cannot live at home. Either they are in school or they are on their own. I'm a year and a half out with the other one. He's not quite the academic that his brother is, but I think that he will be ready to go when it's his turn.

I think that if you present to her your concessions for her to stay home for just these 4 months and finish high school and get that diploma, telling her that this is what you are offering her, a BIG loosening up, that perhaps she'll at least think about it.

My best to you here.
Dawn

Unfortunately no way to force her to stay. She's 18 and if she won't listen to your advice then she's gonna have to learn the hard way now.

Right now she just thinks that living with her boyfriend is going to be all sunshine and rose petals. We all know differently. She's just young and will learn. I agree with the below posters, tell her that she is an adult and she is allowed to make her own decisions...BUT that if she makes the decision to move out, she will be expected to pay her own way. Don't give her a dime. Make sure she knows she is welcome back anytime. IF she still moves out...I'm guessing it won't be long til she's back.

To the best of my knowledge there is no legal way to stop her. You can make it difficult for her.

You need to treat her like an adult. Sit down with her and discuss it. Tell her why you want her to stay at home and what your concerns are. Make sure she knows that if she moves out she's on her own financially. You will not pay for any of her expenses, food, cell phone, car, etc.

She's 18. Unless you can get her declared mentally incompetent, which is highly unlikely, there's not a lot you can do.

I would stop pleading with her and trying to appeal to her sense of reason. She's not thinking reasonably right now, she just wants what she wants. So, as hard as it may be, let her have it. However, I would not cave in and give her one thin dime.

She will find out very quickly that she is engaged to marry someone who will not be able to support her. She'll get tired of an empty refrigerator and eating top ramen every day. If she blows it and doesn't keep her grades up, that will be another set of ramifications she brought on herself.

Let her get a good dose of the life she thinks is going to be so awesome.
Don't help her with anything except coming back home.

It's hard to see it, but this could be a good thing in the long run. First of all, I don't know why a 17 year old girl is getting engaged, but you might as well let her get a glimpse of what married life will be like if she does follow through and marry this guy. It's not going to be as romantic as she's thinking it is. If she wants a better life, this may be the way for her to realize she might not have the greatest future in store with Prince Charming.
She'll never believe it coming from you. She'll have to learn it for herself.
Hopefully, she won't saddle herself with a kid in the meantime.
You know the saying, "Love is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the bills".

You can't legally stop her. Just let her know that you will not pay for one single thing. She wants to be on her own....so be it.

Just my opinion.

If her boyfriend really cares about her and their future together - he'd want her to finish school, too.
Even if it was just for her future earning potential.
I don't get what the rush is all about (is she pregnant)?
They've been together 4 years - 6 months should be easy to wait for.
And technically she's been working towards a diploma since kindergarten.
To throw away 12 plus years of work for 1/2 a year just doesn't make sense.
The boyfriend is how old? And he's moved from his parents house why?
Living with 5 guys - oye.
(How does her father feel about this?)
They might be ok with it for awhile if she plays little Suzie homemaker and does the cooking/cleaning/laundry.
Who wouldn't want a live in maid?
Are your daughter and her boyfriend expecting that you will help pay for her living expenses?
Will you chip in a little for rent/utilities/food, etc?
I'd consider taking her out (or having her over) for a meal now and then (make sure she's getting something to eat), but don't give her any money or supplies for her household - unless you are ok with supporting/enabling their lifestyle.
You've got 3 other kids to raise yet.
Living on love is a lovely idealistic thought, but it doesn't get the bills paid or put food on the table or clothes on your back.
Decide now what you will do if she asks to move back in with you if this situation/living arrangement falls apart.
Maybe once might be alright, but your home is not a revolving door flop house - you don't want her in the habit of treating it like it is.
If you let her come back, spell out - in writing - what her responsibilities will be (must get and maintain a job), pay rent, finish her school (or get GED), must help with chores/cleaning maintenance of your house, will not trash or damage, and the conditions/how long she will be staying.
Have it all in writing and have her sign off on it.
Then stick to it.

Well, if she is 18 I guess she can go but I would explain to her what that means as others below have stated. No financial support from you at all. Tough love.

Now, that's easy for me to say because its not my daughter. Personally, I would be devastated if my 18 year old daughter wanted to do this but I would have been more devasated if my 17 year old daughter got engaged! Seriously, she has no clue about life but if she decides to do this, well she is going to learn real fast. Have you asked her what the life plan is? What does she plan to do except play house with a bunch of guys? What are her goals?

Does she want to move in and drop out? If so, I would make an appointment with her guidance office to go over her options - she can drop out, but that may be a problem for her later. My nephew is very smart, but he dropped out and then struggled to get his GED and take classes at community college. He has expressed some jealousy toward my SS who finished HS and rolled into college the traditional way.

Further, while you can't MAKE her stay, you should talk to her about why. Is it just that she wants to stay the night or is she really ready to go it alone? Is this an overblown reaction to your rules?

I wouldn't provide anything extra. If she moves without your support, then she moves without your support. If you currently pay for her cell phone or car, then on x date cut it off. Let her know that she either rolls those bills to her own name or she loses the service. If she doesn't want to live with you, then she doesn't take the perks with her.

Nope, she's legally an adult. If you treat her with the same respect you would treat an adult guest that had come to visit you'll actually get along with her better. She knows she doesn't have to live there or come home at all if she doesn't want to. Anything she "is" doing to go by your rules is a point to take to heart though.

Great advice from Suzzane & Dawn

Sit down with boyfriend & daughter. Tell them you absolutely do not condone this. Maybe even call his parents to ask if they know. Don't cave in, but you cannot stop her if she wants to leave. Just have major rules ready if she wants to come home.

BTW I wouldn't pay for any wedding till both parties are done with college