8 Year Old "Easily Swayed in Social Situations"

I've heard good things about "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees."

You might ask what he recommend you do, and what specific things she's been roped into, what the dynamic appears to be, etc etc.

The school guidance counselor can also help.

Best,
F. B.

Fanged Bunny is right, though the Queen Bees is geared toward an older audience (middle school), it's a really good book that YOU might want to read. I'd look into the book "Little Girls Can Be Mean," which is for girls in elementary grades.

Also, know that it's important to model and discuss healthy boundaries. I don't mean physically (which is also important, but another conversation), but emotionally and socially. She needs to know that it's okay to say no. It's okay if someone's feelings are hurt or they get mad because things didn't go their way. She doesn't have to agree to do something or be bossed around. She can leave a situation. And she should not do things that hurt or make fun of others because someone else thinks it's funny.

Boundaries are hard for younger kids because they're not tangible or visible, and kids at that age are very rules oriented. It's important that she understand that we each have rules for ourselves, to keep from allowing people to cause us to feel bad, or to take advantage of us, or to boss us around. I don't allow people to choose for me whether I will be a part of a group or activity. I choose. You have to teach her how to choose.

I hope that makes sense! :-)

Luck!

ETA: Get used to the phrases "What do you think?" and "Do you think that's true?" and "What could you do?" instead of lecturing her on right and wrong. Often when she considers the situation, she'll come to her own logical conclusions, and understand them better. The goal is for her to learn to navigate these situations without you.

Good comments from Fanged Bunny and Christ Lee below. I think it's important to recognize that, at this age, the school really has to intervene at the moment of "straying" - for you to try to correct it hours or days later is ineffective. I think you should find out the exact language and terminology and buzz words the teachers use. Reinforcing it at home lets a child know that the same rules apply in multiple situations.

I agree about asking questions rather than lecturing. If your daughter says she is doing these things because her "friends" do them, ask probing questions about what makes a good friend. Is someone a good friend if they encourage you to do something that is not friendly to someone else?

A great time to talk is in the car - the child is not rushing off to watch TV, she's immobilized and a captive audience, and (strange as it may seem) you can avoid eye contact. Sometimes more gets through to a kid when you're not in their face. Another good place is the dinner table, where you do have eye contact. (So a little of both, you know? Different ways of learning.)

This is also the time to set the stage for talking about things openly and for having your daughter come to you with anything and everything without fear of being shut down or critiqued. That's a really important pattern to get into before you arrive at the tween and teen years. A child needs to know she can come to her parents without fear of being punished or reprimanded. (You might have to wind up grounding or disciplining, but that has to be done after a lot of discussion and consideration of what's a punishable offense and what isn't.)

What type of inappropriate things is she being swayed to be involved in?

My daughter was very involved in martial arts during elementary school through middle school and earned her black belt. I truly believe she learned MUCH more than self defense. They had certain values they discussed at each meeting with regards to appropriate behaviors and being role models/good citizens.

I believe martial arts helped her be able to remain calm and collected during heated issues and dealing with people during cheer when she cheered for 5 years and was Varsity Captain her senior year.

We did read and re-read "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees". We also watched movies together like "Mean Girls" and there were a couple more we watched together and she saw how girls hurt other people. At 8, you may not approve of those movies for your daughter.... my daughter was older when we watched them.

Good luck to you. She is at the age where she is impressionable and she needs to learn how to say no and remove herself from a situation that might not be ok and trust her gut instinct when it tells her something is not ok.

I would find out what kinds of situations he means. Then you can talk to your DD about them and role play. I recently talked to my DD about secrets and how there is never a secret so private or bad that she can't tell a parent. I would discuss with her why she follows them and what the consequences would be/are *for her*. Does she know it's wrong? Does she do it anyway? Why?

I think it is wonderful that he shared that with you...I would much rather know how my child is acting now than to find them in big trouble later. ...

Of course this teacher isn't expecting to completely ignore the situation and just wait for you to deal with it when you get home....he expects a partnership and open communication. ...he expects you to talk to your child about their day and support them in making good choices....

I have to ask....are you surprised by what he said???? Is this really a different picture of your child that you have never seen before????

If so what you should do is be watchful and observe your child in social situations and figure out how to help them do what is right all the time.

my kids were both like this to a degree. easy-going friendly fellows who enjoyed the 'belonging' that went along with....well, going along. and 8 seems to be a prime age for that.
they both grew out of it, and by their teens had developed strong and confident boundaries. your girl probably will too. try not to stress over it, but do take the teacher's advice and keep reinforcing it at home. not frantically or obsessively. just keep the lines of communication open, use opportunities when watching movies or reading books to point out situations both exemplary and cautionary (just don't turn fun into endless lectures), talk about it when it arises naturally, role-play if she's open to it, and don't be shy about instigating a conversation if you observe her caving to a ringleader.
keep calm and carry on!
khairete
S.

With one of my daughters we had to practice scenarios to teach her stand up for herself. Things like: when you have been waiting to get on the swing and someone older tells you it is their turn after you just got on you could say "I waited to get on and am taking my turn now. I will get off soon". Instead of running away crying. But she told us specifics of what happened which helped. You need specifics from the teacher and an open dialogue with your child. I would also keep an eye on bullying if she is going along to not stand out or get teased by the " strong personality girls ".

I agree with the mama who said that the teacher needs to be dealing with this at school when it's happening - hours later, there is too much lost with you being expected to handle it.

My older son had a teacher who complained about him and told me that I needed to "fix" him. He was my first and I had never had a teacher like her before. I ended up meeting with the principal without telling the teacher and told her the things the teacher was telling me, asking her what I should do. She told me point blank that it wasn't my job to "fix" him, that it was the teacher's job. I don't know what kind of conversation she had with that teacher, but I didn't get anymore complaints after that.

Now, that said, what the moms here are telling you about working with your child are spot on. The worse scenarios are the parents who don't care that their kids are mean to other kids. You care, and you've gotten good advice here.

But you should make it clear to the teacher that HE is the one who is on point during the school day and that he needs to be the one handling it. All you can do is reinforce "understanding" about this generically at home. He is supposed to handle the actual situations. You can't know the dynamics at school or the particulars of situations because you weren't there to witness it and you can't see patterns of behavior with the girls because it's not YOUR classroom. Don't let him relegate this responsibility to you. It's his responsibility at school.