Daughter in Law Wants Own Keys to Our House. Our Son Has Keys. Now We Changedlok

Oh for goodness sakes. You claim you were "bullied" because you didnt have the backbone to just say no?

You created this issue.. Learn to say no and it is NOT called bullying... I'll refrain from posting what really think ... I tried to word my answer as nicely as possibly.

you were never bullied. You failed in being able to say no.

I don't know why you "need" to change the locks. There's really not enough details to give informed response.

What's the background? This makes no sense. Why is she asking for a key? Her husband has one and presumably she can use that one if she needs it. So why is she asking for another key?

There is something you did not include for some reason. What is it?

I don't understand this question. Why would your DIL want a key to your house? AND why did you change the locks? Strange. However, I will answer your question as posted.

You should have said "Betty I see no reason to give you a key to our home. Andy has one. Why do you need one"?

You were not bullied. You just didn't have the guts to say no.

What to do? If you changed the locks you have already done something.

Added: I looked at G. Y.'s profile. She answered two questions about giving m-in-laws keys in 2011 and 2009. One of the past questions, written by someone else, includes a comment about being bullied. G. mentioned her problem with her mother-in-law when answering someone else's question. Perhaps this is a clue for G.'s current question.

G., perhaps you could let us know why you're asking this question now. The 2 earlier posts that seem to be answered by you had many suggestions. Perhaps you'd get help from those answers.
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How were you bullied? She asked. You could say no. That is not even close to being bullied. Why is she asking you? Your son, her husband has keys. Is there a reason she can't use his?

Several trusted people have keys to my house. A neighbor because I locked myself out a couple of times. A friend, because we watch out for each others house when we're away. A brother, because he lived with me for several years. When they were alive, my parents had 1 key. My Dad would sometimes just walk in unannounced. I asked him to knock or call first. He did. No problem, no drama.

A cousin's husband does not give anyone a key. He was locked out. I now have a key with the understanding I'm only to use it when one of them asks me to use it.

I do not understand why this is a problem. If,for whatever reason you don't want her to have a key, just say no in a respectful way. We really need more info if we are to understand and help you.

You need to put much more info in this question for us to know why you don't want her to have keys if her husband has them. What is your reason for distinguishing between them? (I assume from the way you worded this that she is the wife of the son who has keys.) Do you not trust her? Has she stolen from you or has she interfered in some way (moving things around, helping herself to what's in the refrigerator, etc.)? Are they getting a divorce or something and you are trying to create some distance? Is there some cultural issue in the way here that would help us understand what your reasons are?

It's very hard to say to your child, "I trust you with keys but I don't trust the woman you married." Same with ignoring her requests - it's just rude if you don't explain your reasoning. And changing the locks is pretty much drawing a line in the sand and letting your son know where he and his wife stand in your life.

It's not clear to me why she is asking you outright - it would seem that if you needed something and if you had a good relationship, she could just use her husband's keys or they could make their own copy.

If you have reason to be afraid of her and want to take legal action (restraining order, etc.), you can do that. But if you don't, you're pushing your son away if you are feuding with his wife (if their marriage is in good standing), so you had better have a plan in place for decline in your relationship with him.

Why did you ignore her? That would have been the perfect time to say "oh, husband and I really appreciate advance notice before people come over. We just aren't 'drop in' folks. Give us a call if you ever want to come over."

I am confused. You refused to acknowledge her request and then you say you were bullied. Did your son pin you down and insist she had her own keys? And you were powerless to say 'no'? Do you have a bad habit of not saying no to your son? Here's a great time to practice that. Changing the locks is supremely passive-aggressive. Maybe go talk to a counselor about why you feel you can't assert yourself. The problem-- and solution-- are in your hands. Changing the locks is only going to cause drama and aggravate the situation. Clearly, you folks need some help in how you communicate with each other. This is just nuts.

My mother-in-law treats me the same as her children. She lives ten miles away and we all have keys to each other's houses. It makes things very easy when we help each other out like watering plants when she goes on vacation. Sounds like you and your daughter in law have a very strained relationship.

Does not make sense. If she wanted keys she could have just made a copy of your son's set. No need to ask you. Also could have just used his. Why change your locks now?

You need to give us more info.

I feel there is a lot more to this story than you are letting on. You don't tell us why or how she bullied you or anything about your relationship with your daughter in law.

Is there some reason you don't want her to have keys to your house? Why the need to change the locks? I truly do not understand.

Can you give us more information please, so we can help you more?

You give your son a key if you want and then if your daughter in law wants one you say 'you don't really need once since you can always use your husband's key' and then end the conversation. All of my now adult children have a key to my house and one of my son in laws does too. This is all my choice.

oh please.
this is the unfortunate by-product of the sensible anti-bullying campaigns that have proliferated all over creation. in trying to teach kids (and untutored adults) how to have some sort of a baseline for common courtesy, we now have every tiny slight or discomfort labeled as 'bullying.'
why does your DIL even want a key? if your son has keys, why does she feel she needs a set?
if my MIL ignored me until i asked in front of my husband i'd be pissed off too. instead of ignoring her, why didn't you have a conversation with her? and if you feel justified in refusing to give her a set of keys, why did you cave when your son got dragged in?
poor fellow.
did you really give her a set of keys and then change the locks?
that is textbook passive-aggressiveness.
i hope for their sakes that they move away and limit contact with you severely.
khairete
S.

Do not give them a key to your house if you don't want to. Just say no.

If it were me, I'd ask for the keys back. I would not change the locks.

Why do they need keys?

I have no idea why you would give them keys and then change the locks instead of just saying no.

Do you really expect us to answer a question like this? You have no background, no explanation, nothing here to go by. We don't have a crystal ball for what is in your head. Without you offering more for us to understand your circumstances, anything we say is just going to be a guess.

Did you ever think that once you give a key to your son that they can most likely (depending on the lock) have another key made without even asking you?

Whether she asked in front of your son or not - "No" is still a complete sentence.
We don't hand out keys to anyone.
We also don't have keys to anyone else s house.

you grow up. address your son to keep his wife informed that you already gave a key and she need not worry about it

G.

Welcome to mamapedia...

How do you expect people to answer this? You gave NO information whatsoever to tell us WHY you changed the locks. WHY you refused to give your daughter in law keys to your home.

Sorry - but if she asked in front of your son, that's NOT being bullied. Really.

you want answers? Give a more detailed account as to WHY you had to change your locks and why you don't trust your daughter in law.

Why did she need a key? Why does your son have a key? Why didn't you want her to have a key? Why did you change the locks? Please add more information. Does your son look after your home/pets while you go on vacation? Does the responsibility sometimes fall to your DIL, making it inconvenient for her to have to get the key from your son? Do you have a reason not to trust your DIL? How does asking something in front of your son equate to bullying? Now that the locks are changed does anyone have a key? If you don't trust your DIL I would suggest not giving your son or DIL a key and find someone else to look after your house when you vacation and keep your spare key with that person who you trust.

Why did your son have a key and not your daughter? It would be nice if you put in more information into your question.

You clearly do not trust your DIL. That is the issue you need to deal with. We have keys to both of our parents' houses (they all live in Fl and we are in NY). If we lived nearby, we would give keys to our parents.

My father in law and mother in law gave me a key years ago. Now that my mother in law is gone I don't go up without calling first. I don't just go knock on the door then open it like I used to.

But I adored my mother in law.

As for you it sounds like you can't stand your daughter in law. I'd talk to my son and ask him what's going on, I'd ask him why she wants a key and why he thinks he should have one. He doesn't live there anymore. He doesn't need a key for any reason.

By the way, you do realize if HE has a key all she has to do is borrow it from his key ring and you'd never know she was in your house if you were gone, right?

So change your locks then tell them it broke. And there are no extra keys. Or get a key pad that you put a code into it. Each person has their own code. So anytime anyone but you or hubby goes in or out it will be logged. Easy to check too.

Why does she think she needs a key to your house? If you dont know then you need to ask her.