My son and his wife are expecting their first baby in June. With their individual incomes, it's not possible for either of them to stay home. It will also be difficult to pay childcare and they have no savings. We can help them financially with no harm to ourselves. It wouldn't be much, but they're used to a tight budget and could do it. I'd like to do this, at least until their child is six months old, so that my DIL can stay home with their baby. Unfortunately, there's an issue that I'm having a hard time getting beyond. My son and his wife have spent every Christmas with DIL's family every year since they started seriously dating, almost 10 years. I'm OK with this as it's important to me that my son be with his partner for Christmas - and not feel guilty about it or pressured to do otherwise. However in 2014, my son had taken a new job and was able to get away for only a few days over Christmas. My DIL, a teacher, had two weeks off. Her parents paid for a plane ticket for her; my son had to make the round trip drive alone. What made it worse was he got the flu while there and had to drive home very sick. He ended up sleeping by the side of the road and didn't get home until 5am on the day he had to go back to work. My DIL stayed on the additional three days as planned, then flew home. My heart hurt for my son and it has changed the way I feel about my DIL. In giving money to them, I would like to stipulate that I expect that my son will get to spend Christmas with his new baby. (I'd certainly prefer that they create their own tradition and both sets of parents come to them. But it's not what's most important to me.) My question is, is it advisable to even broach this subject with my DIL? If so, how? What should I say or not say?
Thanks so much to everyone who responded. First I want to say that I really don't mind them not visiting at Xmas and have felt that way whether the "partner" was girlfriend or wife. Everyone should stay off the road and stay safe. I was fortunate for the five years they lived in my DIL's hometown. One less worry for me and I could enjoy my non-holiday. Those that identified his driving home alone as his choice, an issue between the two of them, or even an issue with an entirely different scenario have helped immensely. I didn't realize to what extent my DIL's actions had caused an underlying fear for my son's marriage: Does she still love him? They've had financial problems; maybe she wants to leave him! I think this goes in the category of "my child will grow up to be an ax murderer!" This has led to VERY stupid assumptions about the progression of events - not a healthy way to go. So thank you for bringing this back into the world of the normal. You've helped take the emotion out of it and keep finances a separate issue. It's difficult because my DIL made the request and I know it means a lot to her to stay home for the first six months. It also means a lot to me. But, I never even considered the issues raised: Can she take off the time? What will it do to her job? and even How does our son feel about it? (Not sure if he even knows she asked me.) I can see how alternative indirect help might be the best way to go. Finally, thanks for setting me straight that Xmas and the money issue are none of my business. It's hard because I've been asked to make their financial problems my business and when it comes to a healthy happy child, it's hard to say no and hard to draw the line. You guys have reminded me to work hard to keep those boundaries drawn. Hopefully I can have a good conversation with my DIL and together we can come up with ways to help that might work better in the long run. I'll keep you posted. Thanks.
The only strings attached to a gift should be the ribbon holding the paper on.
A gift that comes with conditions isn't a gift - it's a form of blackmail.
Oh my, I would hate to have you for a MIL. Either give the money free and clear or don't give it at all and keep your mouth shut. You do not get to dictate how they run their marriage...you just don't. You are holding it against her that she spent time with her parents over her school break. If your son was so sick, he should have called out... Depending on what kind of ticket she had, she might not have been able to change her ticket. Why would you assume that he would not get to spend Christmas with his baby? That is just stupid and unfounded. I suspect that you just do not like your DIL....
Keep your money and all the strings attached. Really I can't believe you'd think it was ok to do this. I would never give a gift with strings attached. You are only going to cause a wedge between yourself and your son's family. Then you'll be here whining about how you gave money to help your son and his family and now they are not talking to you.
Really think long and hard about this because it won't end well for you.
If you do what you are proposing, expect a permanent rift, not just with your daughter in law but with your son as well.
To be frank: You want to punish your DIL because she AND your son made a choice you did not like but which utterly did not involve you in any way (the decision for her to fly and him to drive, and the resulting night in the car etc.). You also are clearly wanting to punish DIL (and your son as well, on some level) for not spending any Christmases with you in 10 years. You say several times how "I'm OK with this" and you want him to be with his partner (why not say wife?) and you are only asking that he spend Christmas with the baby -- not with you. But can you see how your son and DIL are clearly going to interpret this as: "I'm mad about my son spending last Christmas on the road and mad that you never spend Christmas with ME"?
That may be what you say you don't mean at all. But it is how they will view it, I promise.
If you cannot give a gift without strings, it is not a gift; it is a bribe. Don't try to bribe your son to spend Christmas with his baby, and don't use the baby as a way to mask your wish for him to spend Christmas with YOU.
no. no. no.
i get you. i'd be LIVID. i'd be making poppets and sticking pins in them. i'd have a hard time reconciling this in my mind with my DIL and for sure with her icky parents.
but no. you can't put conditions on it. please don't.
there's no way you'll come out of this without 'villainess' stamped on your forehead.
and there's a baby whom you will really, really, really want to see.
don't do it.
either let 'em figure it out (and that's fine- it's not on you to save them. they're competent adults and will work it out, just like we all did) or give them the money with no strings.
please.
khairete
S.
If and when you choose to give a gift... That's what it is... A GIFT
If and when you start making "rules" per your gift... Rest assured you will alienate yourself from your son and his family.
He's a big boy now and can make decisions and there is no need for you to be stipulating tit for tat in the relationship unless you just don't want a relationship with your grandchildren.
If you give a monetary GIFT don't expect repayment unless it is specified in detail. If you start making " rules" based on $$$ them expect to lose your relationship with your son, DIL and grandchildren.
Gees... What parent would put that stipulation on a child. Sad sad sad
It's not all about you!!
oh my God...are you serious???
You need to realize that your son? He's not an angel. He ASKED HER to be his wife, right? You didn't arrange this marriage, did you? This is HIS life. These are HIS choices. He CHOSE HER.
Since when do YOU have the right to impose YOUR desires on your son and his wife? YOU DO NOT.
If your son asks you for help. You give it to him, WITHOUT strings.
If your son asks for advice, you give it to him.
If your DIL asks for advice, you give it to her. However, with the way your post reads? I would venture to guess she won't be asking you anything anytime soon and will do everything in her power to keep her husband away from you.
My brother made a horrible choice in a wife. That's HIS choice. They live separate lives. It's NOT what I want for my brother, but it's HIS life and HIS choices. I loved my SIL at first. Then she called my brother stupid. That does NOT fly with me. My brother is NOT stupid. He chose to stay. Before my mother died, she told my brother that he deserves to be happy and wants him to be happy. They've been married 29 years, have 3 kids and don't do anything together. It's sad. REALLY sad. Her father just recently died of Alzheimer's and she's become a tad more human.....
the end of the story? This is HIS choice. This is HIS life.
Do NOT give money with strings attached. If strings are attached it is NOT a gift.
DO NOT give your opinion unless asked.
My philosophy is to only give or loan the money I can afford to lose. Along with that is to have no strings attached. A gift should come from the heart.
i'm guessing the strings you are writing about is your feelings about the DIL. This would only be a sting if you expect them to do something. What do you want from your DIL that she can give you? Know that you can't change the way your son and DIL relate to each other.
Your son is not a victim. He didn't have to drive. No one can make another person do what they want them to do. How is his driving her fault? As a MIL myself I urge you to stay out of their affairs. Your son is an adult who makes his own decisions and deal with the consequences.
I suggest that suggesting to offer money so she can stay home is too much in their business. Oh I now see a string. Are you asking about loaning money only if she stays home? Wrong wrong wrong. The decision for her to stay home is there business. It is not right for you to be involved in that decision unless they ask you.
I suggest that if you can let go of your need to control you might like your DIL. Along with that decision on your part is the question: would you rather be right or be happy? That is your choice. How your son lives his life is none of your business. Another quote. My mother said that if her children could love a partner, she could walk around them. By that she meant that she would accept our choice. My mother never got in our business. She was kind and respectful. One of my early boyfriends loved my mother just as much as me or even more.
Your role is to support your son and his wife no matter what THEY decide. Be loving and kind even when you don't like THEIR choYour post here certainly isn't kind. You are judgemental in the extreme. You don't have to like her but you do have to accept her without judgement if you want a good relationship With your son. I'd be sure to show her approval. She is the one who will decide how often and under what circumstances you will see your grandchild.
Yeah that's passive/ aggressive and manipulation. So not cool. Get over it. Your son is grown and able to make his own choices.
I'm just curious....Even if you do this with no strings attached, and assuming your DIL gets to keep her job after being out for six months, what will change in that time to make them all of a sudden be able to afford the child care that you say they can't afford now?
Giving them money so your DIL can put her job in jeopardy to stay home when that really won't change their situation does them no good at all. If you really want to help them, put the money in a college savings plan so that they don't have that to worry about.
Nope. It doesn't work this way. If you want to give your son's family a monetary gift you should, but that will not entitle you to dictate how he and his wife negotiate their marriage. If you can't give without the conditions then don't. Your son is a grown man. His marriage is his business. Let it be, inserting yourself where you don't belong will cause nothing but problems.
I feel your pain. You want to spend at least an occasional holiday with your son - although you say you're okay with him being with your DIL's parents, you raised this topic even though your focus is, supposedly, the loan of money for an extended maternity leave.
I think this whole situation annoys you to death and hurts you. I don't blame you for feeling that way. Your son seems to be "choosing" the other parents even though you feel they don't care as much for him. Your son and DIL have to work out their own relationship including caring for him when when he's sick. They have to work out their finances too. If they live beyond their means, or if they are just getting by, it's their problem. It sounds like both sets of parents have some cash to spare - hers for a plane ticket, you for 6 months of their bills if she takes an extended leave. But you don't know for sure if her job will allow that leave, right?
So, as others have said, I don't think you can give a gift with strings attached. You cannot dictate their family life. If your son and DIL don't have the type of relationship that says they want to be together on the baby's first Christmas, it's not your call. Who knows, maybe they would absolutely want to be together? But there is no way that you can broach the subject with your DIL and say "I'd like to bribe you to spend Christmas with my son and here's the amount I'm willing to offer." That's essentially how it will come across, and there's no way to make that palatable.
It would be great if they both cared enough about each other to spend holidays together, and if they cared enough about you to share a holiday with you. Maybe your son knows that you'll be there for him no matter what? Maybe your DIL's parents give gifts with strings attached? "We'll pay for you to come home to us but only if you stay for 2 weeks even if it means you'll be away from your husband." Or maybe they said, "Let's give you 2 weeks of great rest and relaxation, because it's your last Christmas without the exhaustion of a baby." I don't know.
I just know you have to take the high road here, no matter how painful it is for you. You and your husband are done raising your son. However he turned out, whatever choices he makes, your job is done.
If you have extra cash, I'd suggest you set up a college fund for the baby and just put money into it every year. Tell the kids about it, or don't - your call. If you want to give them a gift (crib, car seat, etc.) then go ahead with that too. Otherwise all you can do is be a good grandmother.
Shame on you. Your heart hurt for your son because she stayed with her family when she lives with him ALL YEAR? It changed your feelings about HER?
You're the one with the problem. Your problem is that you're jealous of her parents. Stipulate that she can't take that baby to her parents over Christmas - THAT'S what you're really trying to do. Christmas is just Dec 25th. They are smart enough to know that when she gets time off, that's when she should visit. You are the one who is making a big deal out of this as if she's a bad person. While it's regrettable that your son caught the flu, HE'S the one who decided to soldier it out and get back for work. No one MADE him. Changing a plane ticket can cost a lot of money (the last time my son had to change his ticket it cost an additional $500).
Either give this money out of the goodness of your heart, for the baby and that little family, or say nothing and BUTT OUT. You talk about feeling differently about your DIL, but I'll tell you something, if you tried this with me, I'd feel REALLY differently about you. And a wife feeling ill against her MIL will NOT help family relations between her BUSY FAMILY and her parents-in-law.
We don't loan money we can't afford to lose. If you want to give money to your son, do it. I would NOT do it with strings attached.
This is the life your son chose. They chose to live beyond their means and bring a child they cannot afford into the mix. I would tell them that I love them and direct them to the social services office.
I'm not going to blackmail my son and daughter in law. What you are doing is wrong in my book.
You don't know what went on while he was there. You don't know why your daughter in law's parents only purchased a ticket for her. What's their side of the story.
This is HIS life. He chose it. He's an adult. It's not up to you to meddle and interfere.
You can tell your son what you would like to see his life be like.
You can tell your daughter in law what you would like to see their life to be like.
You cannot demand they live their lives the way YOU want them to.
You can say your piece. Just realize that there are consequences for those words. Look at the women on here who hate their mother in laws for their meddling. Do you want to be **THAT** mother in law?
They are old enough to marry and have a child so I assume they knew beforehand how much it would cost to do so. I would not offer money and ESPECIALLY not with any kind of conditions. They are allowed to spend the holidays with whomever they want. I would not ever tell them your feelings are hurt or you are upset by this. Being in a blended family myself, there are very few, if any, holidays we actually celebrate all together as a family on the exact day of the holiday or birthday. We are happy whenever we can get together, even if it's a couple weeks later or earlier. Maybe she doesn't even want to stay home with the baby. Maybe they have planned for her to work the whole time. I would offer to buy them some of the bigger baby items needed but let them figure it out on their own. Loaning money or giving with conditions to family members will only cause bigger problems. JMO. Good luck.
No.
You can't.
Nothing.
Seriously?
Don't do it. No good can from it. As a couple, they have to make decisions together and do what's best for their family.
Maybe he was ok with her going without him. Maybe he should have called in sick and stayed there longer. That was something the two of them decided. It doesn't necessarily mean he will never get to spend Christmas with his child.
And as a couple, they need to figure out their finances. Maybe he can take a second job. Or change his hours so that they only require a part time sitter. Maybe she does leave her job but begins tutoring in the evenings. You have to let his new family figure things out on their own. If they ask you for help or advise that's one thing. But I absolutely would not offer them money and definitely not money with stipulatins ... unless you want to ruin your relationship with them.
If you wish to give them money to help them out when the baby arrives, that is your choice and generous of you. Offering money with strings attached, is not appropriate. You making rules about their Christmas celebration, is not appropriate. It is up to them to decide how to spend Christmas. If your son wants to be sure to spend Christmas with his child, as he should, it's up to him to make those plans with his wife, and not with your input. Do NOT interfere in their marriage. While I feel that it was inappropriate for your son's inlaws to pay for only her ticket, and not one for him too, they made the decision that she would go and that he would drive. That was their choice, made within their marriage. What it really sounds like is that you want to give them the money and insure that YOU get to spend Christmas with the baby. Please do not give money with strings attached. Either give the money, or don't. If you try meddling in their marriage, you may find that you don't see that baby at all.
NO!!
Having been blessed with family that has blessed us occasionally over the years with monetary gifts. I can answer from your son and DIL's perspective.
First it was hard enough for my DH and I to even consider accepting the help. We are very much are grown adults and are independent we could have done it without happily.
The only thing that has kept our relationship with this part of the family whole and intact is that there was never any strings AND it was never discussed again afterwards. (Other than the many times we have thanked them for their generosity).
I don't think you have the right relationship with your DIL to be able to do this without strings and without judging how they (she) spends the money.
Also, six months is nice but quitting a job and finding another one might take more than six months...so it might be putting them in more financial trouble than helping them.
So, I say figure something else out like paying for daycare for six months or a one time lump gift.
Good luck!!
Please do not saddle them with a gift of strings. If you want them to come to Christmas, make that a separate talk. If you were my MIL, I'd be offended and would want to avoid Christmas with you even more if I felt like you "bought it". If you don't like your DIL, that's different. Talk to your son because HE is the one who ultimately chooses not to come visit you for holidays, IMO.
I also agree that the situation with her job is not just financial. She likely only gets 12 weeks FMLA time, and after that her job is not guaranteed. You can't make her take 6 month's off and possibly lose her job or ruin her career. If the baby is born during the school year, I don't know how many schools would be happy to get a substitute that long or want the kids to have 3/4 of the year with the sub. Please do not be short sighted. This is not generous at all, and her maternity leave is not your business.
What you NEED to do is recognize that your son and DIL make their own choices and you need to talk to them like adults about wanting to see them at holidays and not make it a guilt trip. Or you may find that you are even less welcome than you are now.
ETA: Just a thought, but if you like to control and guilt people, could that be why he spends so many Christmases somewhere else? I stopped doing Thanksgiving with my extended family after being made to feel very unwelcome by that particular aunt and I much prefer my in-laws. I also felt it wasn't good to expose my stepchildren to that uncomfortable family event. You didn't say if he visits any other time of year, and if he does Christmas with them on Christmas day, you could ask for a gathering some other time. My ILs are great - we pick a date that works for all and have a low-key event somewhere around the holiday but not on it. It makes it extra special.
You should really consider your overall relationship with your son and DIL, especially given the context that you'll be a grandma soon. If he prefers her family for a reason, then you need some soul searching if part of that is how you relate to him. I bet you could do more with some personal change than you could with your wallet.
Ya know, I really dig a guy who can drive while he has the flu and spend a night on the side of the road. He's a trooper, and a stud.
Absolutely DO NOT give the gift with any stipulation. You will cause major issues that you really don't want. The main reason you should be giving this gift is because it's good for your grandchild to have this time with his mom at home.
And based on your post, I don't know why you think he won't get to spend Christmas with his baby. You have to let your son and his wife work it out.
Let it go, and enjoy your new grandchild! And remember that as a mother of a son, your son will possibly always spend more time with his wife's family. That's just the way it usually works, because we females tend to dominate the social scene.
Give the gift and have fun with your grandchild! That's what it's about.
Why didn't you fly out to your son and drive him home? You are as much to blame as his wife for allowing a GROWN MAN to chose to drive while sick and sleep on the side of the road. He got sick and dealt with it his way. He probably didn't want his newly pregnant wife driving a sick man. You seem to not mention she was in her first trimester (yet you gave us enough info to deduct it..Christmas 2014 and due in June 2015). The first trimester women are very tired and nauseated.
Please change your frame of mind. You will drive the mother of your grandchild away from you, not towards you. And where mama goes, baby goes.
Say, I would love to spend a christmas with you and your parents are welcome to come to my house this year. I want us all to celebrate the new family member. Hopefully you live close (or closer than her parents) and this will allow them to not travel far with a baby.
Now why is your son not planning to be with his son on Christmas? At first I read you would give money if they spent Christmas with you, now I read you just want your son to be with the baby. For all you know they may feel too overwhelmed to travel making your request pointless.
I don't think you are mad at your DIL. I think you are mad at your son and taking out on your DIL.
I think that you are angry that he is not recognizing your needs. I think you are angry that he doesn't carve out time for you at Christmas, and I think you fear that his thoughts of you are going to decrease even more when that baby comes.
I think in all those scenarios you wrote about, you wanted your son to put his foot down, stand up to his wife, and have her include you as much as her own folks.
To be blunt, it sounds like your son went from one controlling person (sorry) to another.
You need to have a heartfelt but direct conversation with your son only about how you would like to be more included in THEIR lives. But please be reasonable and have realistic expectations.
Put the money in a savings account, bond or whatever and let it grow. Let it be spent on the more expensive things that will come as the child grows.
Let them figure out childcare, expenses, and jobs etc. That is a milestone accomplishment in all marriages. Let them have the opportunity to grow as a couple.
No, do not mention the money to your DIL.
Instead honor your son by TRYING to align with your DIL. You catch more flies with honey then vinegar. You have the wisdom of already being a DIL. Use that to make nice (honestly) with her and it just may increase the thoughtfulness of your DIL, especially when that baby comes and they will need all the help they can get.
Good luck.
I understand why you are upset about what happened, it was selfish and rude of your DIL to take the flight and leave her husband to travel alone, but it was not your choice, and you have to trust your son to stand up for himself. That should have nothing to do with the money.
When it comes to the money, how is she going to be able to take 6 months and keep her job? If she can and you WANT to help in this way, that is great. Otherwise use the money to set up a college fund for your new grand baby. But either way it should have no strings attached. I can understand it feels hard to give to someone who acted so selfishly, so if you can not do it with no strings then find another way to help (like doing the college fund and maybe offering to babysit every so often). But no matter what you do right now, you are going to need to find a way to let go of this other issue and forgive, no one can change the past.
OK, You are assuming that your DIL would be able to take 6 months off from work (depending upon when baby is born and when her breaks are from school) most companies will allow 12 weeks at most. Would she still have a job waiting for her at the end of 6 months?
I don't think it is appropriate for you to offer them the money, they are having a child and need to figure out their finances. If you choose to offer them the money it in no way is appropriate for you to give stipulations.
M
M
Give the gift without strings attached. If I were your son or DIL I would not appreciate these conditions. It sounds too much like you want to control certain aspects of their life. You cannot dictate to them what YOU expect. This would not be a good thing to do, in my opinion.
If you want to help them with some money - fine - but don't be thinking it's going to be workable to exert any of your wishes into the situation.
They'll do what ever they want to do with nary a 'by-your-leave' and it's likely they'll feel no gratitude for any favors you do for them.
ETA: It would have been nice to know the SWH as part of the original post than to post it later. I would not give my DIL the money to stay home for the six months. She and your son have to figure this one out by themselves. Her coming to your without your son speaks volumes of questions as he should have done it or them jointly.
I know you want the best for your grandchild but this is one time that it would be best to watch show from the sidelines. Don't start meddling where meddling is not required. How far away are your DIL's parents from you in hours or miles?
I also would not become the babysitter or caregiver to the child full time. You have raised your own family.
Original:
My whole take on your plight is the fact that you got replaced by your DIL in your son's life as the number one woman. You have not let go. When a man and woman marry, they leave the family homes and create a home of their own.
Finances are what they are and everyone has to work through the pitfalls of money. Has your son asked you for any financial assistance? If not, leave it alone. All you will do is cause a rift in several ways between them and you. You will be on the outside looking in.
I would love to have more contact with my DIL and my son but it may never happen as the DIL is a bit standoffish. I also made it clear when my son married her that I was not going to become a trained seal and entertain and act like something I am not to be accepted by her. It was only this year that she seemed to be like the woman I had hoped she would have been five years ago. There might be a chance now of us being friends.
Save the money and put it in your retirement savings account or put it in an account for the future grandchildren.
Do not under any circumstances give money with any strings attached. You will regret if very much if you do.
the other S.
PS You can't dictate to people what you want them to do. You have control over only your thoughts and dreams no one else's.s
I'd like to point out that they can apply for child care assistance and if they qualify they can get a lot of their child care paid. I have one family where both parents worked and each made well over $10 per hour when minimum wage was only about $5 something per hour. They had a couple of kids full day and they paid about $50 per month.
They can do this without you. I'd say you need to let your son know your feelings about Christmas and how you'd like to see him AND his family this coming Christmas. She can go see her family then come home for the holiday to come to your house. It's fair for them to come see you too.
ETA: you left out a critical piece of information then added it in your SWH: your DIL asked for the money. Why wouldn't you clarify that in your question? It makes a pretty big difference, IMO.
--original answer--
Well, what everybody else said (don't give them money).
But just a thought, if you have the extra funds and are worried about your son, why not offer to pay for his plane ticket this year, if they are in the same position? Wouldn't that solve the problem?
...and if your DIL was 3 months pregnant in December I can see why a loving and protective husband would make that drive, with the flu, alone.
Sorry but no, I would not give them money so she can stay home for 6 months. First, you say they have financial problems. Her missing work for 6 months isn't going to help. Yes, you will give them money but what happens when the 6 months comes up and she doesn't want to go back to work? Are you willing to support them forever?
Second, gifts with strings attached are not gifts. Either give the money freely or not at all. Whatever decisions they make are on them. Her parents should have bought a ticket for both of them. That was rude.
Third, you DIL asked for the money? Oh, I would back away from this disaster ASAP. She could say this is part of her Short Term Disability and not even tell your son you are giving them money. No no no.
Um.. I think you have honorable intentions. However, it is rarely a good idea to *gift* with strings attached. That's not a gift, it's manipulation.
And while, from what you have said, I share your low view of your DIL's treatment of your son, he is the one who allows and accepts it, and he is the one who must stand up to change it, if he chooses. You can't do that. Trying will just make you into a meddler. I wouldn't recommend that.
---
Oh yeah... after your SWH.
Ugh. What a messy situation. It bothers me that she came to you about financial help, and you don't even know if your son knows she did that. In what I would view as a "healthy" relationship, they would have approached you together (if they approached you at all).
I tend to view these sorts of problems as hurdles that young marrieds need to learn to work out on their own. Yet, it's ok to be a helpful in-law, too. Nothing is wrong with that, unless it is done in an unhealthy way. (a pattern of behavior, or a form of manipulation/control, or on the sly with one of the parties in the dark about the help).
I'm not sure what I would suggest in response to your DIL, except perhaps to just tell her that you have been thinking about her question to you and it makes you uncomfortable. You do not want to meddle in her relationship with your son, it's not clear that he knows and agrees with this plan, and that you won't put yourself in the middle of secrets that way; that additionally, often an exchange of money changes the dynamic of relationships (usually for the worse) and you don't want that to happen between you and them.
If she and your son still feel like they need the help, then perhaps the four of you (you, husband, her and your son) can all plan a time to sit down together and discuss it.
It sounds like a nice, but bad idea. It is one thing to help pay for a trip in order to have the family visit you, but not to make conditions. My parents would offer to pay for me to come home at xmas since it was important to them to see me, but they would never give me money on a contingency. That would not work well. Money is a tricky thing and trust me, it drives me nuts when my in-laws tell us to dish out money so that they can see the grandkids, but if they would pay, I would be more happy to do so.
Your son knew they were going to have a baby and they will make it work with daycare or whatever is needed. They will do what us best at xmas. If it that important to you, perhaps you could pay for his plane ticket for xmas so he will not have to drive. Or pay for the family to visit you.
I don't think I'd give them the 6 months salary, only because I'd worry about when that agreement might end and if it would actually ever end. I think I'd start a college fund instead. I know too many grandparents who end up supplementing their children's living expenses for years and years. If you do end up helping them now, I'd give a lump sum to your son and make sure they know that's all you have to give. It's very kind of you to help them. And of course, no strings attached. They have to make their own decisions about travel and holiday time.
