Daughter Helped Her Friend Cheat- HELP with Consequence

Oooh. That's a tough one. She is still young enough to be impressionable. I think I would take her directly to the principal's office and have her explain to the principal what happened. I imagine at most schools this would lead to a suspension for all of the children involved (or possibly less of a consequence for her, since she came forward of her own volition and confessed). As a 5th grader, it's not like a 2 day suspension, or being made to do community service, will affect what high school or college she gets into - I think this is the best time to let her experience the consequences of her actions. Better that she learns now, than in high school, where the consequences will be much more severe and could affect her educational goals.

I would say that punishment at school will be enough, you shouldn't need to do additional punishment at home.

I think your daughter needs to fess up, but she's only 10. She's going to need your support more than ever now. I think a closed-door conversation with your daughter, the teacher, the principal and maybe a guidance counselor is a good idea. I think together you can come up with an appropriate consequence. At the very least, the girl she took the test for should get a failing grade and your daughter needs to take the money she made and either give it back or donate it to a worthy cause.

To turn this into a positive, you should get your daughter involved in peer tutoring. She obviously wanted to help, this would be a legit way for her to help others get a better grade. I can see your daughter's side, she thinks like a 10 year old. I'm pretty sure my daughter (who is 10) would have thought it was a good idea too.

Perhaps her "punishment" is tutoring or helping others. Perhaps she can do several hours of after-school help for the younger grades, or she can help the school in some way that's above and beyond.

I have found the most effective "punishments" aren't really punishments but simply redirecting the behavior toward something positive. What you really want to do is teach your child how to channel what they want into a positive outcome.

When my daughter was 6 she tried to steal a toy from the store. I saw her look around and put it in her pocket. I was LIVID, and I made her return it to the store clerk and apologize. I asked the store clerk if she'd mention that they call the police on people who steal to scare her.

But then I went home and turned it into a positive. I made her do extra chores to earn money so she could legitimately BUY the toy. By the time she earned enough money she didn't want that toy anymore, but she did proudly buy herself a different toy. It was more effective than punishment, and to this day she asks for extra chores to earn money instead of thinking about stealing. She was so scared and embarrassed at the store that it was punishment enough, and she didn't want to go back to that store for about a year for fear they'd "recognize her."

Good luck to you!

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I'm confused... How did the teacher miss this????

The fact that you teach at the school might change things but, here's my perspective:

I think this is one of those great opportunities for discussion and a life-lesson for your daughter. You had the discussion, your daughter isn't going to do it again, and she learned how to tell her friend "no," which is an important lesson.

Me personally, the discussion would be enough, for a first-time offense. I'm not sure what I would do about the other girl, but my first instinct is that I wouldn't tell on her to the other teachers, but instead just talk to her mother, and let her deal with it.

This isn't college, these girls are only 10. At least the girl cares enough to try and get good grades. I've known too many kids who didn't even attempt to do their schoolwork. Maybe the mom needs to know this girl is having a hard time so she can get her a tutor.

I think you should finish the discussion with your daughter, and tell the mom. You know, everything doesn't have to be a "punishment." Sometimes shame is enough punishment, and if you have raised your kids to be conscientious, shame should be plenty.

okay, I used to teach as well. high school and middle school i am a firm believer in making this consequence STICK. whatever it is...don't bail her out! zeros all around for sure, i'd make her write apology notes to the teacher, HER teacher, principal, other child that paid her, make her repay the money, etc...this is more than a peer pressure situation...it is a character issue. she needs to know that integrity and honesty (even if you are trying to help someone) have been damaged. it is SOOO much easier for a 10 year old to learn this lesson when nothing really "counts" and you are there to guide her through it and respond with love. if she did this in college, she'd be kicked out and money would have been spent, or heaven forbid she not stop at grades, but help them get a little bit of pot across campus away from the drug dogs, etc...i know that sounds fanatical, but really it is our job as moms to GUIDE them through this so they aren't thrown to the wolves later in life. I 100% believe that 10 year olds are totally aware of what they are doing (heck, my 4 year old is most of the time). I would not let her hang out with that child too. those are just my opinions, and KNOW that many will disagree...but after 20 years in the classroom, i have seen that if you don't make it stick...it isn't going to change; only reinforce that they are going to do it again in another situation. people don't give kids enough credit for their actions!!!

What grade is she in?
I'm wondering how one kid can take anothers test if the teachers know who everyone is and are presumably monitoring them taking the test.
If there are more kids involved in similar schemes I'd say the school has got a big problem on it's hands and needs to review and modify how test taking is being handled in general.
Your daughter needs to know that her friend passing a test without really having the knowledge to do it on her own is not helping her at all in the long run.
You need a good foundation to build upon and if that is lacking, her future grades will only get worse.
I'd consider having her switch classes so she and her friend are no longer together during the day.
They can socialize outside of school.
And if the schools processes are so out of whack that it's a widespread problem, I'd have to think about transferring to a different school.

Lanie, I think that if I were you, I'd get an appointment with the guidance counselor and the teacher at the same time, after school. Go in there with your daughter and talk this out in front of both people. The guidance counselor has the experience to help lead the discussion and work with her. You daughter has a problem with allowing others to take advantage of her, and she needs help with that.

Yes, they need to figure out everyone who is involved. And it's a necessary thing. So what if the other parent is unreasonable. It has nothing to do with you. You are requiring that your daughter fess up to something that she did wrong, and yes, she has to name names.

I don't know anything about her home life to even advise you on consequences at home. If I were you, I'd wait to see what consequences the school gives her, and go from there. It could be that the school's conseqences are strong enough that just bringing her to the school to fess up is enough from you.

Good luck,
Dawn

Since you work at the school and so does the other people involved I think it is mandatory that you inform her teacher. Let the chips fall and see what the consequences will be. I think they can pursue a wide variety of consequences that you should see what happens before you give additional punishment. They might come down too hard on her to set an example or they could give her a slap on the hand because you work there. Whatever happens the goal should be for her to not want to do this again, and to build self esteem and learn tactics to combat peer pressure. Sounds like there is a lot of cheating opportunities at this school if many kids are involved and they need to look at new policies.

I think the embarassment of being caught and them BOTH taking a failing grade on the test is good. My daughter is 8 and if she had a failing grade it would be bad for her. How did she not get caught? And what does she NEED money for? She's not going out by herself yet, right? Can you tell her that if she WANTS money for something she needs to ask and you can discuss it?

The "real" consequences are the lovely conversation you already had with her and the ones she'll have tomorrow with her teacher and her friend AND the stewing she's doing in between about the upcoming conversations and the consequences/punishment.

For "punishment" I say give here one (or more) of your least favorite household jobs for awhile-- something in addition to whatever jobs she already does. Do you have dog poop to scoop out of the yard? Litter boxes to clean? Toilets to scrub?