At a Lost of What to Do.......

My daughter is 15 and she is doing the same thing. I have a meeting with the school counselor on Monday to get the school to help her. You might want to call the counselor. I think High School is overwelming and the kids just want to be cool. If not taken care of soon they follow the wrong crowd.

i don't have a teenager but i remember high school. It could be maybe the work is too easy, maybe he is being bullied, maybe he is going through depression, or maybe he is doing drugs let's hope that the reason. you should talk to a counsleor. i hope you i help you a little.

I am not a mother of a teen, but it wasn't too long ago that I was in your son's shoes. (Not to scare you, but I became defiant when I lost my virginity at 16).
Honestly, the grades are the last thing you should be focusing on. If the underlying problems are resolved the grades will come back to A's & B's.

Looking back, I think these things would have helped me:

1) consistant family time doing sometihing everyone can find joy in- no work, no school, no TV
2) family prayer, even if the teen choses not to say anything.
3) a parents' appology when warrented, such as losing your temper.
4) allow the teen to fail some
5) volunteer with those less fortunate, especially the elderly
6) Let the teen be involved in making rules, increasing responsibilies, and facing consequesnces of their actions (whether +/-)

Teenagers WILL NOT cooperate with demands simply because of a sense of obligation. True obedience is the outworking of a principle within, so THREATS AND BRIBERY will only make things worse. They must change their heart to learn the joys of obedience.

Easier said than done, I know. That is why as parents (of all ages) we must PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

On a note about the trip to see his sister: I would talk with him in private and apologoze for threatening to remove family time from him (which is what he needs most of right now).
I would then ask him what he thought would be acceptable punnishment for his poor choices. The goal is to agree on a consequence. If he does not improve his behavior, then he has chosen his own punnishment!!! It allows him to feel in control and removes resentment toward the parents.
Tell him he will be going on this trip no matter what!

All the best, Liz

Hi L.
I homeschool my son and have the same problem. So it has to be age related he is in highschool also. and from what i understand it is normal in this age group you just have to consistant with it. We have done the same in taking stuff away but it doesn't work. I finally found more hands on is what he likes so we are doing more hands on studies. I know your son is in public but he could still do more hands on studies for extra as far as letting him go yes don't deprive him from seeing his sister esp if it's been 5yrs already. you just never know what tomorrow will bring. Ask him what the problem is with school he may be bored he may not be being challengened enough. That happens to some kids in public school. Does he like to read what does he like about or dislike about school that may help, it did us they are going to learn despite us. They just need some help in some things. K.

L.,
Obviously, you're not going to solve his school problems overnight...
I totally understand your threat of leaving him out of the Nashville trip. If it's something that the wants, logically he should be willing to work for it, but he is a teenager and common sense does not always apply. The whole family, esp. sister will be punished is he isn't involved in the family trip. I also worry that he will feel alienated from the family by being left behind and really start to give you problems. He needs to be involved in the family and know that he is loved and valued in order to build self respect and hold himself to a higher standard. Being a teen can be miserable, I would not re-live my teenage years for any price. I know he is difficult, but try to see through the teenage boy attitude and get to the person you know he is. When you see him that way again, it will be easier to support and praise him for the things he's doing right. If he always hears how wrong he is, it will damamge his self-esteem and he'll feel too defeated to to better. Best of luck to you!

Hi L.,

Your son might be anxious about the visit to see his sister he hasn't seen in 5 yrs. Do they have a good relationship by email or phone? When we put ourselves in their situation, we can relate so much better with our children. I would be scared but also uncertain about seeing my sibling after such a long time. My husband didn't see his dad for 5 yrs. and he was 18 yrs old when they reunited. He was so scared and didn't know what to expect, but it all turned out great!
Hope this helps,
A.
Wellness Consultant
____@____.com

He is more than likely bored, although my son is only 11 I am just now getting out of the same situation. It got to the point to where I was ready to give up, but then my husband and I had a heartfelt conversation. The rules for the conversation where simple no can interrupt while another is talking, no one is allowed to place blame, we take responsability for our actions, no one can leave, and most important HONESTY, and us parents will admit that we are not always rigbht (not easy), and that we will apologize for any unjust behavior, or words! We will keep an open mind, this may seem counter productive, but take him to see his sister, under the condition that this is his last opportunity and chance. Once you all come back he has to work for what he wants, and I don't mean a job. This includes but is not limited to giving his best at school and home. I told my son that I did not expect him to get perfect grades, but I did expect him to try his best, and if ever he felt "stuck" to ask for help even if it wasn't us. He is doing better especially after we made cristal clear that everything he does now will afect his future be it in a positive or negative way, and ultimately only he will have to face the consequences for his actions.
Some people told me it's to harsh for such a young child, but he dosen't mind. He actually told me that's how he knows we love him, because we want the best for him. Good luck and send me an e-mail if you feel the need to talk to someone.

Wow L., you have received tons of great advice to your question! I agree with Elizabeth M. I beleive teenagers do not respond to threats or punishments. I think the change from Jr high to High shcool might be a big reason for his acting up, he might be facing problems you don't know about and chances are he won't just volunteer to tell you.
This is a crucial time in his life and it's worth for you to spend extra time with him. I became so rebelious around 15 and I hated my mother because she demanded and yelled for me to change and I always felt she couldn't accept that I was not her. And that I didn't have to think like her for her to love me. I suggest you arm yourself with patience through prayer. Prayer is the greatest authority we have over our children.
Good luck to you!

I'd take him to see his sister, and fess up that the trip shouldn't have been used as a bargaining tool. As far as his not bringing work home, etc., it's HIS problem not yours, but you CAN be involved. Just ask him if he'd rather see you on campus or not during the week. If he doesn't respond, that would be your cue to show up at a class or two. Just arrange it with his teachers and be sitting at the back of the classroom. If he says he'd rather you not be in class with him, let him know you'll be checking with the teachers weekly on assignments, etc. If he's not doing assignments, you show up. If he is taking care of business, you leave him alone. If he misses curfew, you'll show up a school in a mu-mu with curlers in your hair....
The basic idea is it's HIS problem and his choices determine how much you get involved. Make sure you don't mind either way.
You might want to look at a copy of "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" www.loveandlogic.org or at Amazon.

I can relate. I have a sophmore boy myself. He too is very smart, but facing the same problems as yours. Is your son close to driving age? We have told our son he will not be able to get his drivers license when he turns 16 (june) if he is not bringing home at least a B average in all classes. After he gets his license we have told him he will not drive unless he keeps up the B average. If he is not close to driving age, I would require him to stay after school for tutoring. We have done this in the past and it has worked. Does he have a girlfriend??? Another problem for us. We have grounded him from going on dates, or talking on the phone with his girlfriend until his grades are brought up. There are so many bad influences in high school, and such great peer pressure. It's hard to keep them on the right track. You've just got to find something that means the most to him, and take it away. Driving and his girlfriend means the most to my son. Hope this helps. I have 3 teenagers!!! AHH! At least one has graduated and is going to technical school. She is doing really well. I still have a 13 year old girl to get through...not looking forward to that! LOL Have a great day! And good luck!

Perhaps your son is just bored. When children of any age are not challenged enough, they will let things slide. I would see what can be done to provide a more challenging curriculum for him. Maybe ask to see if some of his classes can be changed.

L.,
I can feel your pain, My son is 15 y/o and a Freshman in high school. He too is going though the same thing... Don't feel bad about his grades even when they are important.. I spoke with my sons councilor, principal and rest assured, this too will pass.
It's about him getting adjusted and all in high school.
My son has been getting bad grades and just not wanting to hang around us at all. I do feel bad at times.
I can think back when I was his age and I was the same way(not on grades because I loved school)
Plus, he might not be matured enough at this point and will continue to evolve into you young man you raised.

Family time, and listening is really good for now,

Good Luck,
A.

Father, I know L. asked for advice, but I know that hope is found in you. I ask that you give her wisdom. I pray for openness in he son and the rest of her family about what may be happening. I ask that you would use this as an opportunity to grow relationships in strength and love as they work together to get to the root of the issue. Encourage L..

L., was your son Gifted and Talented or in an AIMS program? My husband teaches high school pre AP (gifted and talented and AIMs students). We just enrolled our son in AIMs. The reason I ask is that if your son is extremely smart like it sounds like he is, it could be that the material he is studying is not challenging to him and he is bored. We just researched an article with Dallas Child magazine about GT children and some shut down for a bit in middle school and junior high because they can do it and know it so they don't feel the need to prove it. Motivating them is tough if the teachers don't see their ability and keep giving them grunt work. Ask his teachers if what they believe the reasons for his resistance might be. Having been a teacher and married to one I know that most really want to help a child who has such unlimited potential and parents who are so in their corner (both in the teacher and the student's corner).

My mom once saw me slipping and she went to class with me (with the teacher's approval. She sat quietly in the back of the room and watched to see what was going on in the class it's self. The teacher had approved it of course. She was watching to see if there was a way to help me get it better but I will not lie I felt mortified and felt it was my fault. But my grades picked up.

As far as his going to see his sister, that's a given. relationships matter. Maybe this sister can encourage where you need her. If she is important to your son and she says "I expect you to be your best" that may motivate him.

Try positive reinforcement! It may seem like bribery but after he starts equating good grades with success he'll do it for himself rather than the prize. My parents would pay us for certain grades. A+$5 B+$2 C+$1 D-$0 F-$2. Just an idea! It worked for getting my grades up. Good luck! And you can change the denominations per grade.

That's exactly what happend to my 3rd grade daughter. I know big age difference but same situation.
What happen was that from pre-k to 2nd grade my daughter loves to read, and this teacher was bringing my daughter to my attention too many times,,well her reading grade was going down down down,,that's when i got concerned and what I did if i didn't get through to the teacher, i might get help with the counselor, principal because it's not always the children's fault..
it ended up that my daughter's teacher was teaching another way of teaching from another district the counselor was going to talk to the teacher and ever since then my daugter's grades have been up, she even passed the TASK test...before this i told my daughter she needs to speak up b/c i will never or no one will know what is going on w/her

also,,when i was in high school I couldn't read the board but b/c i was in a 9th grader w/12th graders class i was intimidated and preferred not to say anything,,,AND guess what, i fluked algebra 2,,

SO check w/the teachers, counselors, check w/you son even,,,what teacher does he not get along with,,,students....

GOOD LUCK!!!

I do not know what to tell you the problem is, because I have learned when boys go into High School, they can change like day & night. I had one of my sons do almost the same thing, he never received any Presidential awards but had received recognition for his good grades and when he started High School his grades dropped to almost all F's. The first thing, the teachers & I thought were drugs. However, my son finally told me that "it just wasn't cool to make good grades in High School". He told me that he was made fun of for participating in activities, if it wasn't physical, and he would no way volunteer to raise his hand to answer a question. He swore they made fun of him and called him a Nerd and it just wasn't cool, anymore. This was in 9th grade. He said all the girls went after the dumbest guys. I had to admit that, when I was in school & they had no pass or play rules for sports, that girls did always go after the rebel, maybe not a flunkie, but nobody wanted to go with the really smart guys. I do not know that this is the problem with your son. Whatever, the problem, if the trip to Nashville would mean he stayed home by himself, if he didn't get to go, he would probably like that! I've just been lucky that with this son he will tell me what his problem is. The other three, it would have been a guessing game. But they were never phased if I took stuff away or put them on restriction - once, they were in High School. They had the attitude that THEY WERE GROWN and If I treated them like they weren't - then we really had problems. I really believe that alot could be changed if the kids had more vocational training at 10th grade, like we used to. It was always cool to take shop and show off what they made there. None of them ever told me what their problems were without me half way guessing it and then they thought I knew all, didn't know where I got my information and was not sure I did not have ESP. I never made it a habit of questioning their friends but always paid attention to the low whispers that they thought I was too busy to listen to. It's really a guessing game. Best of Luck.

L. I tell you raising teenagers are not easy I have four and I am nuts. My son and daughter kinda did the withdrawl thing. I just stayed in their corner CONSTANTLY. I think alot of the time it has to do with school and peer pressure but I just sat them down and kinda picked the brain. Is it the classes, is it a teacher is the school. But I kept explaining and enforcing that it's o.k to do your homework and participate in class because although people may think that you are a nerd this is your future. It's a long process but it works. I did at first take their things but I figure instead of being a tyrant I would try to be an older concerned friend and that away you won't become the enemy. Kids at this age are very delicate. because if they make too many false moves and we are riding them heavy they fall prey to drugs, bad company,and way more other things that we don't approve. So don't be afraid to talk to the get them to open up go to neutral grown like a resturant in other words kinda step into there world but there is a fine line of friendship and parenthood so becareful. GoodLuck !

Dear L.:

Is your son just entering high school? Is it possible he feels lost or wants to fit in, and feels he doesn't. Maybe not doing homework is his way of doing that? What are his friends like and are they exhibiting any of these problems? For an A-B student to go from eaze in school to failing is a huge sign that he needs help. May I suggest that instead of punishing him, (since that is not working) that you try to talk with him or to possible have him talk to a counselor (maybe at his school to start). Have you spoken with his teachers, are they any help. Something is clearly wrong here and he needs help. What is his behavior like around his family, friends and teachers? What about any experimentation of any sort (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc....) Any parents worst nightmare! Could he be depressed? What are his habits like at home, does he exclude himself from family interaction? Is he defiant in your household and with your property? Does he have friend over?

Just my opinion, but I wouldn't stop him from going on your family trip. I would offer him understanding first. Give him firm guidelines to follow, which I'm sure if he has in the past received A's and B's and Presidential Awards that you already do, and proceed in a positive and understanding atmosphere first. It is possible that high school is proving to be a huge stress point for him and he doesn't have an outlet to confide in or doesn't know how to deal with this.

Good Luck.

I would take him to see his sister and maybe think of other things for punishment if you chose to punish him. Make sure you think through your punishments before using them. For example - only give him a punishment if you are willing to go through with them. Make sure you don't just threaten him - follow through.

I totally agree with Elizabeth M - great advice.

Good luck - I'll be thinking about you.
S.

I agree with Elizabeth. I remember 10 yrs ago I was in High School and I was horrible. I skipped classes, hung out with the wrong people, etc. I think the what my parents did to make the biggest impact was they got involved. My mom talked to the Asst. Principal everyday to see if I was in class. They also talked to me, told me what they expected in my behavior and my school. We then discussed punishments, curfews, rules, etc. It really helped when they let me be in on how I was going to be treated. We developed a very open relationship that we still have to this day.

You need to just talk to him. Tell him how you feel, how his actions make you feel and what you expect of him. He may open up and tell you how your making him feel as well. You never know his actions could be because he is going through something that he isn't comfortable talking about. Until you open the door and let him know that you will talk,and you will LISTEN. Also taking things away I think just adds aggrivation.

Good Luck

Dear L.,

You've gotten some great responses from people with much more experience than I have, but I wanted to add or maybe emphasize a few things.

First of all, good for you for being so concerned and trying so hard to figure this out! It sounds to me as if your son is shutting down. I was a junior high school counselor, and I saw kids shutting down (stopped working, etc) when they felt overwhelmed, for whatever reason. I'm seeing my junior high and high school age nephews do it now. It's very frustrating! There may not be an apparent reason, and you may never figure out the "reason." I think depression is a real possibility but not neccesarily it. I admired Elizabeth's honesty....and I think the whole sexual thing for HS'ers is too overwhelming, whether because of getting sexually involved or not getting involved and being thought weird.

Whatever it is, I would switch the approach to a more matter-of-fact one. First, express to him your great concern, and your great pride in all he has accomplished thus far. Then ask him what he needs. A change of school? Lighter course load? Tutoring? Try to engage him in finding a solution. My sister is using Sylvan for her JH'er; expensive but effective.

I agree with the mom who said too bad we don't have vocational training anymore. I think even the brightest boys need more "manly" activities now, where they are challenged to use their physical strength and their male brain (!) to work on things...plus, it helps them if they can be around some tough (not mean) men - they just need that. And girls have needs that aren't met by current public ed, too. Maybe getting him into karate or finding a community college course he could take would motivate him.

I definitely wouldn't take away the opportunity to see his sister, and I could tell you don't want to do that anyway. That's the desperation talking! This is such a hard time for parents and kids. I loved all of Elizabeth's advice (and everyone had great input), so I will just say, don't give up and don't despair. Even though it's HS and seems so crucial to get his educational act together, the bigger picture is you want him to know you are always in his corner, no matter how "bad" he's acting/doing. He may already be anticipating the day he's out of school and more on his own, and that can just seem very scary. So if he doesn't move forward, he won't have to deal with it. What you and he and all of us need to trust is that we will have what it takes when we need it. If he doesn't have it right now, be patient and supportive. Don't give in and give up, but don't get too polarized with him on all this. Wow, L., I hope all this helps and I hope you find the right answers for both of you. Again, he doesn't sound like a bad kid at all; just overwhelmed. And it makes parents mad to hear that sometimes! When our kids get so much support and have everything going for them, what do they have to be overwhelmed about? But just trust that his "inner self" knows more than he consciously knows that he needs to put on the brakes and stop performing for awhile....and give him time to find his answers. Again, not to the point that you enable him to never move forward, but try to think more like you're his coach or trainer and he's recovering from an injury. He needs patience AND pushing....freedom AND boundaries....love AND toughness.

God bless you and him both! Have a fun family time over spring break and let him know how much you love him.

Maybe you son is dealing with depression. High school can be overwhelming. My daughter went to Excell Center a few years ago.
http://www.psysolutions.com/facilities/excel/index.html
This sight has some good basic info: http://www.depressionhurts.com/index.jsp

You might want to see if he is using drugs of any kind. That can radically change their grades. Usually there is something that has happened to change his behavior, since you know he can do it. Has there been any problem at home?
If you haven't already, you could sit down with him and let him know how worried you are about him, and that this behavior is unacceptable. "Is there anything I can do to help you get back into your school work?" Try to let him know that you are trying to understand how he feels right now. Attacking won't do any good. You need a combination of TRUTH AND GRACE, in order for any discipline to work. He needs to know that it isn't just because it make YOU look bad, but it is because you really care about him. Hope this helps a little.
Consequences do need to be experienced, but make sure it is a natural consequence of his behavior. If he fails, then he will have to do that year over again.

If he is uncomfortable enough, he will come around. Do it in love though, and not anger.