Daughter Freaking Out About Going Back to School

Sounds like some pretty severe anxiety. Time to get to the root cause. Does she have a hard time with the school work? Does she have a hard time socially or is she bullied? Does she exhibit anxiety in other settings? A good counselor/therapist can help a lot.

Oh gosh.
Yah, well its the transition for some kids and the not being home with Mommy thing.
Going back to school, no matter what age, can make one nervous.
Your daughter is going to 3rd grade.
Does she have friends?
Most kids are excited to see their friends.

It can't be helped, she will have to go to school.

I have a sibling that was like that. Even if she liked school, just hated the idea of going, to, school, again. Oh well. She is an adult now and made it through college and graduate school. All the while, having angst about going, back to school.
She even could admit it.
My parents would just drop her off.
Pat her on the back, and that's it.
The problem with her is, she just does not like, change.
She had no psychological anxiety problem. She just did not like, change.

Your daughter has 4 weeks more.
And she "tantrums" about it?
Tell her, SHE makes a choice, about how she reacts to it.
She is, going to 3rd grade. The other kids will not show it, that they may be nervous about it. They all put on a brave face, and go to class the first day. Maybe she can try that.

Or, does she have, other issues, besides this?

This doesn't sound typical for kids her age. However, separation anxiety is real and can happen in people at various ages/stages. Have you brought this up to her pediatrician? The fact that she is going into 3rd grade she should be used to making the change by now. What payoff is she getting for having tantrums? More attention? Seeing as this has been going on presumably since kindergarten why have you not addressed this issue?

Try to make school a positive thing. Let her know that while it is perfectly fine to miss you, you also have your own life to live apart from her. Give her all the positive and happy things about school. If there is a particular area she enjoys try to keep the focus on those rather than being separated.

Hope you get this under control.

I am no nonsense.
If she throws a fit, send her to her room or put her in a time out.
I do not tolerate the tantrums. I walk away after I tell her in no uncertain terms that she is going to school and she'd best adjust to the idea sooner rather than later.

I think you need to talk to her pediatrcian. Unless she has academic or social problems, this level of anxiety is not normal.

There are kids that do not handle transitions well.
She could be an anxious child. I used to see them at our daughters elementary all of the time when school started. They cried and clung to their parents even though they had been attending for years.

I am going to doubt she is being bullied because I cannot imagine for 3 straight years, you would not have picked up on bullying through the actual school year.

Consider finding out who her teacher is going to be and see if you and your daughter could go and help this teacher set up the classroom.

Or see if you all can go and help with back to school office projects. Like the Back to school packets. The Library helping the Librarian with bulletin boards. .. etc.. Maybe a new teacher that has never been at the school.

This way she will get to know some of the staff and see them in their casual clothing etc..

You know teachers and staff love Back to School. They are usually pretty Giddy and excited to set up their classrooms. Sometimes their own children are also up at the school. It makes it easier for the students to realize, teachers are just like other people.. They have families, they really do love their students and the school community.

Three years straight? It sounds like she has a very dependent personality. It appears to be affecting her development, to be honest. I can't imagine that 3 years straight she's being bullied and you wouldn't know it. So I really think that this is more about her inherent personality and I think you need some help with a counselor to help her detach some from you so that she can learn to cope with normal life.

Good luck~

Wha?
Of course it's not normal.
She starts to throw a fit, pick her up and put her in her room. Tell her that when she is done she can come out.
Then, when she calms down you tell her that she has to go to school,it's against the law for her not to, and that you will try to volunteer in her class.
If they start up again she goes back to her room.
I can't believe that she is 9 and throwing temper tantrums!
L.

If it's been this severe every summer for three summers in a row - as someone else said below, you really need to get to the cause here. Just treating the symptom -- the tantrums -- with discipline is not, alone, going to uncover WHY she is so upset at the idea of school.

But there is far too much you don't tell us so we can't offer anything else to help. So much is missing. Here are some things you could think through here:

During the school year (not just in the weeks before school starts) does she also show a lot of anxiety? Does she hate to go to school all year long, or does she warm up to it and stop the tantrums and anxiety once she is in school and knows what to expect there?

Does she have anxiety about other things in life that create uncertainty, or ONLY about school?

Have you ever investigated whether she might be bullied there? (You cannot depend on her to just tell you -- kids can hide it very well; you need to have talked with teachers, other parents, the school counselor.)

Does she feel academically overwhelmed? Is it the actual schoolwork that she fears? Does she balk and fuss about homework all year long, or say constantly "I can't do it"? Or alternatively, does she seem bored and hate school because it's too easy (meaning she is very bright and is not being challenged enough)?

Have you ever had her see a school counselor or have you, alone without her, talked with the counselor about her behaviors?

Is it possible that the issue is not really school but she uses school panic as a way to get extra attention in the summer? That seems a bit unlikely to me --but it could happen, especially if she is fine and dandy once school actually starts. Do you give her heaps and heaps of attention when these I-hate-school tantrums begin? That could be an incentive for her to throw them every summer at about the time she starts to feel bored and ready for mom's attention on her. (But again -- it sounds as if that is not the case. Just something to consider if all else about school seems fine and these tantrums are confined only to a certain period in summer.)

Does she have enough to really occupy her in the summer? Is she mostly at home all day, every day, or just hanging out with siblings or friends, or is she busy in camps, classes, other stuff? She might need some organized distraction from her own worries, and if she's just at home and mostly expected to occupy herself, that could be what's giving her mind enough time and free rein to turn toward "I'm scared of school." I would ensure she was very busy outside home as well as at home. She needs something where an adult who is not you is in charge.

Does she cling to you strongly in other ways? She might need more of those outside activities without mom in order to build her confidence at being without you.

She has enough experience of school to KNOW by now that her tantrums will not get her the result she says she wants -- to be kept home and not sent to school. So the tantrums must be getting her something else she wants on another level. I suspect that something must be attention from you and/or a way to express her fears about the schoolwork, or bullying, or just the change of starting a new school year. But it sounds like you need to do some investigation to find out what is really the root of her fear.

Meanwhile I would be sure she was kept very busy; was doing a lot outside the house and in organized settings without you there; and that you don't talk up school too much. Telling her over and over that school will be great may just backfire here.

I think you should handle it as matter of factly as possible. If she starts complaining...be very calm and say:

"You know you need to go to school, I can't change that". Remind her of all the fun times she had in previous years. If she starts bringing up all the bad things, let her know that every year is different. As far as missing you, remind her that you are thinking of her and you will give her a big hug when school is out and you'll do something special together.

I teach second grade, and I've seen this a few times (more girls than boys for some reason). It could be knowing summer is over, and not liking that transition (does she do this at the end of winter break and spring break, too?). I would ask some pointed questions: Are there kids you are afraid of/ don't want to have in your class/ that have been mean to you? Is there a class or teacher that you don't like? Maybe try reading a book like "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn and have her pick out a picture of you to keep in her folder. If it continues, definitely give the teacher a heads-up, and if necessary set up a time to talk to the school social worker to give her someone special to talk to every week or every other week, and he/she should also be able to give other coping strategies

I used to dread going back to school each year. I was being bullied severely and no one took me seriously when I said it was happening. It was a small school so I was in classes with the same kids year after year so there was no escaping it or them. It wasn't until we moved the summer before I started high school that I got away from them and the bullying stopped. By then of course I hated school and while I did find a better place it was never the best.
The reason I say this is there might be a reason she doesn't look forward to going back each year and her saying she misses you too much is just the verbalization she's using.
How does she do once she settles in to the school year? Does she do better or is it always under the surface?
A certain amount of nervousness is normal. Not knowing your teacher or what the kids are going to be like in your new class. Is the schoolwork going to be too hard. That kind of thing. But it sounds like there might be more going on.

I agree w/ Kris!
Is she getting bullied? Kids don't do this in from of adults. Does she have a true diagnosis of anxiety that has not been diagnosed yet? How was her development? I know a child who had some issues when she was 2, 3 and 4 and the Mom never picked up on them. The girl was diagnosed w/ inattentive ADD. Are the academics very challenging for her? Is she one of the youngest in the grade and having difficulty socially?

Have an aunt or a neighbor casually ask her what she likes ...and then, dislikes about school.

How does your daughter do once October begins? Does she settle in? Or does this happen every morning before school?

No, it is not normal. I also suggest the book "The Kissing Hand" If it really is that she misses you, that book should help.

But there may be other reasons and you should look into that. I would ask open-ended questions, however, not specific ones. You don't want to offer up an excuse for her.