My daughter was accused of stealing from my mother in law and don't know how to respond to this. My mother in law is staying with us during the summer and has bad memory problems in the past. My husband who is my daughter's step dad mentioned that his mom was missing money and insinuated that it was my daughter , no evidence provided. My daughter is now 16 and had once incident when she was 13 where she took a phone that did not belong to her and after a very long conversation finally admitted to it . As a mom, my first reaction is to defend her since there is no evidence she took any money from my mother in law however should I look further into this ? I want to get her help if this is a problem but I also want want to approach her with this if there is no evidence. I think in my husbands mind she's likely the one to take the money since she has taken things in the past but again there's no evidence and his mom has lots of memory issues. Please help with advice.
Thanks everyone for your insight. This is definitely a very difficult situation for both my family and marriage. I appreciate everyone's perspective as you brought up some really valid points, a few which I didn't even consider initially. So , I had a conversation with my daughter and didn't ask her directly whether she took money but asked if she had at any point gone into the bedroom where MIL is staying , she said no and I believe her. I then told my husband I needed to speak with him and my MIL about what happened so we can clear the air. I shared with them that I asked my daughter if she entered the bedroom at any point and didn't bring up the missing money specifically to prevent from
making her uncomfortable . Since my daughter denied it I asked whether my MIL she lost it anywhere ( the amount was $40) and she said no , I asked where they looked for it and she said everywhere. So I basically told them that I believed my daughter and the money must have been lost somewhere and we should keep looking . As I mom and person, I realize we all make mistakes ( we're human !) and to be honest it's very hurtful that my husband didn't do more due diligence before approaching me about it so yes I think we definitely need counseling for our family.
I didn't realize how a parents memory loss affects a person, thank you for that point of view.
I really needed some additional perspective since of course I will support my daughter but also didn't want dismiss any possible red flags on her behavior. Aside from the phone theft 3 years ago, I have caught her in some
lies but nothing like this. Very difficult situation at home but I am staying positive we will work thru this someway or another.
What Doris and Diane said.
Plus - extended stay hotels are really great for long visits from family or anyone else.
Everyone needs their space - and if MIL is getting that forgetful - I'd rather have her accusing hotel staff of stealing stuff than anyone in the immediate family.
This is probably a good time to talk to your daughter about how past indiscretions come back to haunt us. It's also a good time to talk to your husband about your MIL's memory issues. But before you do this, I would consider getting an appointment with a counselor who works with blended families. Your husband needs to actually see this child as HIS daughter, not just your daughter.
I think that you and your husband are both a little too singular in your thoughts here, each one of you on the opposite poles. And a lot of it probably because she's not "his" child. That's why I think you two need some counseling.
If she indeed has a problem with stealing, the only way to help her is to manage this issue on the same page, and not the way you two are currently thinking. If she ISN'T stealing, handling this wrong could cause her to start, or act out in a different way. If she is, handling it wrong could teach her to manipulate you.
I don't know how much money this is that your MIL is talking about, but if it's not a significant amount, your MIL is thinking the same way - that this is not her grandchild, but your kid. Nothing is going to change that, but if she didn't do this, her grandmother's accusations will make her feel very unloved. Please get help with this.
The previous posters said it well.
Unfortunately, your daughter's past action automatically links her to this issue.
The sad part is that your blended family does not appear to be united as a family when your daughter is referred to as "your" daughter.
I couldn't say it any better than Doris Day did.
In a marriage, and in a blended family, adults don't choose up sides. Get professional help because you and your husband aren't on the same page at all.
I'm having a lot of trouble with the idea that one mistake made 3 years ago is even part of the question right now. A 13 year old is very different from a 16 year old. I'm sure she has grown a lot and matured in 3 years. If she hasn't stolen anything in 3 years, isn't that enough time to prove she has learned? Is it really fair to still hold this against her?
I would ask your daughter if she knows anything about it and see what she says and how she behaves. You might even say, "Grandma is missing some money from her purse. Did you happen to see it or know anything about it?" You don't have to accuse her or imply that you wonder if she took it. Just find out what you can.
I do caution you to say, "What evidence do you have that Stacey took the money?" Unless your daughter suddenly had money without a job or something, I'm not sure what evidence there could be. You could, instead, kindly ask, "What makes you think it could have been Stacey?"
I think you have to try not to get too upset with anyone and do a lot of listening.
It doesn't look to me as though there is any reason to believe that your daughter took it. You could let her know that grandma is missing money, and ask if she's seen it anywhere, but to accuse her seems out of line unless there is something more that you are not telling us.
Instead, I'm posting from the perspective of someone who has helped with caregiving of a loved one with a memory-related illness. Unfortunately, this type of thing (misplacing things and then accusing others of taking them/moving them) is very common in some people with memory problems. It is something that caregivers learn to deal with without taking it personally. I hope that your MIL is seeing a doctor for her memory issues, and if she is going to be staying with you for much longer - and for future stays - you should get support information for caregivers of people with memory issues. Even if your MIL doesn't have Alzheimer's disease, support groups (such as the Alzheimer's Association online) for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients might be helpful to you. Good luck.
ETA: Some people below are being a little hard on your husband. The truth is that it might be easier for him to accept that your daughter might have taken the $ than it is for him to accept that his mom's memory is really as bad as it is. It doesn't totally give him a free pass - you need to talk to him about this because it's not fair to your daughter. But hopefully you can understand that accepting that one's parent may have a progressive memory-related disease is very difficult, and many people try to pretend that everything is ok for as long as possible, because accepting the alternative can be heartbreaking.
I'm sorry you aren't willing to have a difficult conversation with your daughter, but you owe it to her to everyone, to be honest and upfront about what is going on. And you can do it in a gentle way. "Dad brought it to my attention that Grandma is missing 40.00, did you happen to come across 40.00 in the house anywhere? If you found 40.00, I understand there would be temptation to take it. But if you did, please be honest with me now" See how you can bring it up in a way that reduces the sting of shame by not using words like "stole?" I think if she did take it, that's the most likely way you would get an admission from her. That's really all you can do. If I'm reading correctly all you did was ask if your daughter went into MIL's room. What if MIL left her purse in the bathroom or someplace else or the money someplace else and your daughter came across it? She may be guilty but denying it. She should at least she will realize that this was noticed, and it has caused her family distress. Maybe that will be enough to deter her from any sticky fingers incidents in the future. Going forward, you and your husband should offer to help your MIL secure her money to prevent any future loss
I would not want to be in your shoes.
I have memory problems and could have sworn that someone took my things when I have misplaced them. On the other hand, I work with middle schoolers that really do steal from me and everyone else.
The first thing I would do is ask mom not to carry cash. Except for tips when traveling, just about everything can be paid for with a debit card. She can look back at her transactions on the card if she has any questions. I have Bluetooth trackers on things that I need or that have value. I put the tracker in an inconspicuous place and use my cell phone to ring my missing items. This is a way to adapt to any limitations with the least amount of stress.
If your daughter has a problem, it will become apparent in time. I wouldn't target her for a one-time thing years ago.
I don't see anything in your post that suggests that your husband is "choosing sides." Step parent or natural parent - sometimes when a kid screws up in the past, they have trouble letting go of that. While I agree that blended families are inherently difficult, I do not agree that "running to therapy" is always the answer for every little problem. Additionally, add in the stress of the MIL living with you - it is just a sticky situation for everyone involved and sometimes there are going to be problems. Not sure why people think therapists are "magical." Try problem solving like adults, first.
First, when you look in your heart of hearts, do you think your daughter took the money. When I think about the times my kids were suspected of doing something wrong, I think I almost always knew the truth before they even told me/I found out.
Second, you don't mention how much the money is. Honestly, if it was $10 or $20, I'd take it out of my own wallet and hand it to MIL (in front of everyone) and say "geez, I found this in the kitchen, is this the money you were looking for?" If MIL truly forgot, you aren't going to convince her that it wasn't stolen no matter what (been there, done that). If daughter actually took it, my guess is you replacing it would probably guilt her into telling the truth.
That is a tough situation . Of course you are going to defend your child, thats normal. I would just be straight and ask her. If she says no, then leave it at that. Doesnt your husband know about his mothers memorie loss? Maybe you remind him of that. It is a hard one. Good luck
I don't know what to say...except I would not make an accusations just yet. My 73 year old mother has a lot of memory problems. Daily she loses things. She is always losing money and her first thought always is to blame someone. She always thinks it is someone who stole from her purse even though every time she finds it again it is simply due to her misplacing it or remembering what she spent it on.
Is it possible to let us know a couple more details? For example, are we talking about $100 or $3? Are you able to look in your mother-in-law's room/purse/belongings to make sure the money is not there, or do you have to rely solely on her word? Does your mother-in-law go out, go shopping, or is she confined to your home? Did your mother-in-law begin by saying "[your daughter] stole from me" or did she say "hmmm, I thought I had $20 in my pocket but it's not there".
If your daughter stole a phone 3 years ago but has not had any problems since, it seems that it's more likely that your MIL misplaced the money. But if your daughter has had continued issues with honesty, you may need to confront her. However, I wouldn't accuse her. Talk about reputation, character, and trust.
And I hope you can talk with your husband. Your daughter needs to feel respected at home, not the number one suspect. In return, she needs to be trustworthy. And your husband should not jump to conclusions; he should be helping his mom search her purse, her clothes, her couch, shining a flashlight under her bed, and he should be asking things like "did you tip the pizza guy and forget you did it?" or other reminders.
I would check under the car seats and the couch cushions one more time. And really odd places too like the fridge. If money goes missing all the time, this is a little creepy but you could get a camera to see who the thief really is.
