Hello ladies. I have recently been in a constant state of anxiety and need all the advice I can get. So, a little history. I lost my husband to cancer a little over 3 years ago. After a year and a half I started dating. I dated a man for 3 months but couldn't see a future with him, so I ended it. I decided that I wasn't ready to date so I waited about another year to date again. I met someone who I thought was fantastic. Single father. But that was over before it started. So after that I went on a few dates, nothing serious. Didn't meet anyone I was "in to". So recently, I met someone. And I am having so much anxiety over it and I can't really put my finger on why. I've been dating him for a little over 2 months. We spend a lot of time together. He has not met my son. He's a few years older than me. Well educated & has a great job. So a couple of weeks ago I felt like he wasn't as open and communicative as I'd like, and I ended it. That lasted for about a day. I was really sad that day because I really liked this guy and we had fun when we were together. But I was dealing with the anxiety and was constantly wondering why he hadn't texted it called. I brought the issue up to him and he agreed that my complains we're valid. He got better. He also told me that I needed to cut him some slack because he just moved to the area and this is a new job. Then my anxiety kicked in again when I didn't hear from him but only once that day. I, once again, ended it. This time he said that maybe I should start making an effort to call & pointed out the fact that I never call him. He was right. But I hadn't seen it that way. So now, I'm having anxiety over everything. We still spend time together and I really like him. But for some reason I can't take a chill pill. I over analyze everything. And I mean everything.
My past relationships were always ok. I had a great relationship with my husband and i miss him all the time. I was in the Navy in my twenties so I was never in one spot long enough to form a lasting relationship. My mother had terrible relationships. So, I know I am very guarded, but I hate to think about my son seeing me with a broken heart. That scares me to death. I hate to think about that. But I just don't know how to calm my nerves.
I have 2 girlfriends that I share my issues with. But I'm sure they're tired of me by now. Lol. Just thought maybe you wise women could help me out in this department. How do I keep things in perspective and protect myself but also open up just enough.
Thank you in advance ladies =)
Im 30 years old. My son is 5. We have a great relationship and I adore my baby. I feel like Im scared of lossing something else. Im scared of not being good enough. Im constantly thinking "why hasnt he text me.' 'why hasnt he called'. I am VERY aware of how crazy that all sounds! I was never this way. I dont know what switch went off in my head that now Im doing these things. Im scared of getting hurt. Im scared of everything I guess. Im not forcing myself to date. I just want to have a relationship and to get to know someone and maybe one day I'll be able to have more children. I want a house full of kids and family. I always wanted that. In speaking to the guy Im dating, he said that he had opportunities to get married but that he was never happy and was always afraid of doing it at a young age and ending up divorced. I know I need to concentrate on myself and why Im feeling this way.
Thank you all for responding! Your words of wisdom were so on point!! So a few days after I posted this he called me and told me that he was starting to be sensitive to my needs and was starting to feel bad for not calling ang whatnot and that he didn't want to feel bad. He wants "to be able to do what he wants to do whenever he wants to do it." he has a "great life" and everyone always says "I wish I had your life". And he wants to get everything out of his system because he knows when he settles down and has a family he won't be able to do these things. I understood and told him that what he wanted was completely fine. Then he said that he still wanted to spend time with me but that he also wanted to date other people, because "he does live a mile from the city (NYC)". I told him I wasn't going to be his option and that I completely agree that he needs to do what makes him happy and that it was perfectly normal for him to have these feeling and I thanked him for telling me all this. He said he didn't understand why I would speak with such "finality". Although I had told him in the past that I will not take steps backwards. I'd rather start with someone k we than to do what doesn't feel right. The anxiety was my gut telling me it wasn't right. We were not right for each other and I knew it from the second date but wanted to give it a try, mostly because he looked so good on paper and I was attracted to him. But he wasn't as outgoing as I am, sex was boring and the communication was not there. So the day after we had that talk he sent me a text saying that he "still likes me and wants to spend time with me and wanted to make sure that was clear." I told him "I know sweetheart" & he responded "ok, I'd like to see you again". I didn't respond after that. I just didn't have the energy. I have been pretty sad these last few days because Im back to square one and I'm back to being alone. I do not have a problem meeting men when I go out, but I have a child and don't like to frequent bars. But I think that I need to get out and do things to make friends and just have fun. And...I also know that I still miss my husband dearly. I have started seeing a therapist and she believes that I am not done grieving. So now I'm working towards a better me. I want to feel whole again instead of trying to fill this void. Once again, thank you ladies for all your advice!! :)
Maybe its as simple as you just aren't ready yet. No relationship is right if it causes so much stress and unhappiness. Good luck!
I have seen so many people who say he is so great this or that, it is always how he looks on paper but they get this I can't put my finger on this.
Not to be depressing but those that look great on paper but are still single, well they have had a lot of women that they can't put their finger on.
I am not sure if that makes sense, I went out with a guy for two years, he was perfect on paper but there was this thing I couldn't put my finger on. Two years!! never met my kids. Turns out perfect on paper just isn't perfect for me.
I threw out the paper and followed my heart. Found the perfect guy for me within four months!
I am saying follow your heart, don't tell me what he looks like on paper.
sooo, maybe you're not ready? (beautiful profile pic btw). it shouldn't be, imo, something that freaks you out so much. you don't really say "WHY" you feel like dating - whether you really want to, or feel like you should be, or etc...but to me...with a little baby boy to take care of (yes i realize he's not a baby), and you seem to still really be dealing with the loss of his father...maybe you're not ready?
there are those who would say that a single mother has no reason to date until her children are gone (i'm not sure i believe that....)
do you really need to date at all? it just sounds like you're forcing it.
I'm wondering if perhaps you've never really dated as an adult. It sounds like you were married in your early 20's. Frankly, dating in your 30s is a lot different because you are at a point where each of you have entire separate lives that you've built and have to find a way to fit that other person into your life. That means making time to communicate, see each other, etc. In your teens and early 20s, there's lots of time to spend on the phone or texting and that feeling of "oh no, I haven't heard from him in the last few hours, something is WRONG!" In your 30s, you might hear from a guy a few times a day or not for a day or two. You have to be secure enough in yourself and trusting enough to let that be ok. Insecurity is not an attractive quality in a man or a woman. The flip side is that maybe you aren't ready to date yet, and that's fine too. The thing is that if you have to be anxious about your relationship 24/7, then something isn't quite right. Is it you or is it him? Or is it your expectations of dating as a grown-up need to change a bit from what dating expectations were back in your teens/early 20s?
I broke up with someone because I found it excrutiating to hear from him a few times per week. In fact, I told him that even after months of dating that I still felt like every date was a first date because I only heard from him every few days. He was insulted because he was busy moving to town, with a new job, etc. and implied that I had an issue with wanting too much (time/attention) from him. Whatever. Our dating relationshp wasn't meeting my needs. In the end, I felt much more confident not dating him and not worrying about when I'd see him again...we were just in two different places with two different sets of needs. He was a pefectly nice man, but he was not the right emotional connection for me. Something is off with your relationship, so perhaps step back and take a break for a bit.
It's perfectly acceptable to talk to the person you're only dating once a day or every couple of days. I'm shocked that you broke up with a seemingly otherwise perfect guy for such a reason. Twice.
However, some people aren't cut out for dating while they're raising children. There's an easy enough way out for that. You can wait to date. You don't have to date because you think you should or other people are telling you that it's time to get out there. If you're not ready, then you're not ready.
I do suggest that your anxiety needs to be dealt with. Simply stopping dating won't deal with WHY you're feeling such anxiety. I really think that you might want to consider talking to a therapist. Don't underestimate the power of talk therapy. It's amazing.
I understand how you feel. It gets lonely not having male companionship. And its human nature to want to be with someone.
The anxiety is your issue. You seem to have trust issues. Which i have too. You need to explain and communicate everything thats going on with this guy. If he isn't understanding and helpful, then move on.
I've been in the process of divorce for over a year now. My ex cheated, so i have those trust issues. My guy now does everything he can to help me trust him. HE is very open and communicates so well. WHich i think is rare for men. But its what i need and he just listens and gives his input when i get crazy on him, but he sticks it out. You just have to find the right guy that will ease that anxiety.
Going to a relationship is always scary. But if you don't ride it out and give it a chance you may regret it.
Good luck!
Minus the widow part this could be M. a few years ago.
I never dated until a few years ago and I have to say I feel for you. I was with my ex from 14-26 and when I started dating I was expecting that passion we had as teens, on the phone 24/7 constantly thinking of eachother and so on....the first few guys I met I kind of blew off because of my own expectations being crazy and thinking wayyyyyyyy to far into the future.
If I had any advice I'd say listen to Jo's below and follow your heart.
Maybe when you stop worrying and thinking about your son and 5 years from now and your future unborn babies, your heart will lead you to this guy and it will feel right, if not then let it go and follow it whereever it may lead you.
I put so much added pressure on my boyfriend at first because I needed to know things would last before I introduced him to my daughter. It's hard when you are constantly feeling like your decisions will impact your kid in a bad way if things dont work out, but you have to realize you are not his mom to protect him from ever being hurt you are here to help him learn to recover and give him tools for life (if only i would listen to that=) )
BTW there are single parent groups on meetup, why not try that and not look at it for dating so much as friends and you may fall for someone you become friends with
How old are you? I am 51 and definitely in menopause, which does not always cause hot flashes or night sweats, but in my case seems to cause a racing heart and anxiety type feelings. Not all day long, but in spurts.
Perhaps see a doctor and make sure there is no physical cause.
