Daddy Vs. Father ( Looking 4 Advice )

It's probably a good time to start talking about how everyone's family is different. Some kids have a M. and a daddy, some have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a M. and grandma/grandpa and no daddy and some (very lucky) kids have a M. and TWO daddies. My son is 5-1/2 and we have talked to him about this since he was probably about 3-1/2 since he has cousins who's parents are divorced as well as friends with gay parents.

You should have told her who he was from the get go. I think that lying to her about it is going to cause more issues than if you would've just told her the truth about who he is. She may not be old enough to know all the details, but I think you need to tell her right away who he is, not just "M.'s friend". She will understand more than you are giving her credit for.

You should have figured this all out before you introduced her to him as your "friend". He's not your friend, he's her father so you have already lied to her. She is old enough to be told the truth. You should also get with the father and file with the court some kind of "parenting plan" so its clear on when he can have her, like every other weekend. Otherwise its going to be a mess when he wants her more and you say no or whatever, it could just cause problems. You should have spoken to the father to find out exactly what role he wants in her life and how much he expects to see her. And he should be paying child support. So I think you need to try to figure out some kind of schedule if the father is serious about seeing her but I think you need to be honest with her and tell her he has not been around and although he wants to see her now you honestly don't know how much time he will be able to spend with her. Then she will kind of know what to expect and if it ends up he is consistant with her then great and if not, then hopefully she will not be too disappointed. This is a hard situation and I hope you can figure it out and save her from as much possible hurt as you can. Good luck.

I think its best that you protect your daughter from any pain of him leaving again....Don't trust what he says, trust what he DOES. If he wants to be in her life, he needs to EARN it. He can't just come back in whenever he wants to---make him work for it and earn it. Ask him WHY now? Why at 51/2 years does he want to be a part of her life??? Is he sincere? Be very cautious about this and don't be afraid to walk away and say no---she isn't ready or we need time to think about this etc. What you choose to do in this situation will effect your daughter for her lifetime--choose carefully what you do. GL

M

Be honest with her. Answer her questions. You don't have to go into great detail. Just keep it simple to her age level and answer any questions she has with simple, loving answers. My biological father was killed when my mom was pregnant with me and I spend a lot of time with his side of the family. My mom got re-married before I turned two and I considered him daddy. I always called him dad and thought of him as dad. I always remember knowing my situation and it was just normal. Kids adjust and are accepting. Good luck to you!!

PS about him possibly leaving again. You can protect her against the feeling of rejection. She can know the situation without getting hurt. It's a good idea to make him prove his motives. If he truly has a change of heart and wants to be a part of her life, it will show clearly.

I personally think you've done the right thing so far. For all you know, the father was happy with just seeing her one time and he'll go back to his life as usual.
There is a lot riding on whether or not he's serious about making a commitment to her. I would be leary that it's taken 5-1/2 years. But, that's not to say that he isn't sincere. He may be more sincere than ever now that he's met her.
I would swear your older kids to secrecy for now and contact a therapist who specializes in children....children of divorce and blended families, etc.
I think that you, the dad, and the father should meet with this person prior to saying anything.
Whether father stays in her life or not, she will need to know the truth but there are ways you can approach it in terms a child can understand.
Little kids perceive the world differently than adults do and sometimes keeping things simple is best. But, you need to be prepared for whatever questions she may have.
My daughter had a wonderful therapist (for a different reason) and she always said, "Don't give too much adult information".
I would start with seeing if father is willing to talk to someone about how to explain things. If he's not, that would be a red flag for me.
You should be able to express your concerns and he should be willing to listen to how disappearing again would affect your daughter. Not just you saying it, a professional.
That would be my advice.
Then the therapist could lead you in a certain direction and suggest books, etc.

I would have some kind of game plan before disclosing all of this, but that's just my opinion.

Best wishes.

id sit down and talk to him adult to adult parent to parent and let him know he has ONE chance to prove he is there to stay and not walk in and out on her life and that is that if he misses one time to see her or doesnt call when he says he will that is that and he will have to go to court

You cannot change the fact that the man that produced her is her father. The relationship part with your boyfriend and her calling him daddy should continue if that's all she knows. However, you should tell her the truth as to who is who, because whether boyfriend stays or goes, her father will remain dad, and eventually she will want to figure out what happened with this whole equation. She has his DNA and probably some features of her biological father and that will not change who she is as a person!

I say let the man she knows as daddy continue to be daddy until you know for sure if her biological father will stick around. The man she knows as daddy has already proven himself to her and to you and should not be tossed to the side for biology. Even though "daddy" is now your ex, he has maintained his role and should be given rights as such. If biological father truly has a vested interest in his child, let him be in her life but not as "daddy". I agree with the poster who suggested books on families and how all families are different. That way she understands that we all have people who L. us and different is okay. Give it time and take time to sort out for yourself what your gut says. You are her mother and have been there making the best choices for her since the beginning, give yourself some credit. Daddy does not always equal biology.

My daughter has two dads, one who lives far away and hasn't seen her since she was one but calls sometimes and sends presents occasionally who we call "New York Daddy" and my husband who I met just before she turned two (she too is 5.5) and he is just plain "Daddy".

It's worked for us though I know it's a little different...we used to call my husband "Home Daddy" since he is daddy at home so both daddy's had descriptors explaining which daddy they were, maybe that would help? Bio Daddy is one I considered but we went with NY...

Hope all goes well!