Not Her Real Father

He sounds like her "REAL" father to me. He may not be her biological father, but he's as real as it gets.

Don't hide it; don't make it shameful. Make it part of her life story so she doesn't need to question who she is and why you didn't share this part of her with her. She will know who her dad is and she won't blame you for withholding this information from her. My brother is in the same situation with his oldest daughter--it's never been a secret--it just is and it's nice to not have to worry about someone in the family slipping up after one too many beers. She absolutely, positively sees my brother as her dad and loves him; it doesn't affect their relationship at all.

When the time is right, you have to tell her. There is a chance she'll find out by accident and it should definitely come from you! It should not change the opinion she has of her Daddy, but she deserves to know the truth--eventually.

Treat the situation like an adoption, be honest with her when she is old enough to understand (which is often younger than you would thnk). You don't need to give the dirty details of her bio dad til she is grown, but she can know that it was a S. relationship and he wasn't able to commit to being her dad. She will be very angry if you keep it a secret and she finds out later. At some point she will need to know, because it would be neglectful of you to allow her to live her life without the proper knowledge of her medical background - if there are health issues that your husband has or that are in his family, she needs to know that they don't pertain to her (and if you know of any from her bio father, she should know about that)
Remember that even though your husband put his name on the birth certificate, if bio father did not sign away his parental rights, you could have problems later on. If he decides he wants access to his child or custody, he could demand a paternity test and petition the court to have HIS name put on the birth certificate and his rights as a father - better for your daughter to know the truth before anything like this could happen. For her protection, please get a lawyer, request bio father to relinquish his rights and have your husband adopt her legally.

You should definitely tell her the truth. Always, forever, the truth. Telling her the truth won't hurt her, it will always be her truth. Lying to her WILL ultimately hurt her, and your relationship with her.

I agree that you should tell her, and I agree with J B that it should be sooner than later. I've seen the damage done by hiding (with good intentions) a child's story of origin.

I can understand your concern, and it's clear that you want what is best for your daughter. However, sometimes when we try to shelter ourselves or our children from the truth, it is more damaging than when we are open about it from the start.

I suggest you present the information without shame (of yourself or of her paternal DNA). Shielding her from the truth can result in a lack of trust for you, your husband and her relationship to the two of you. A person does not have to be biologically related to their child to parent with dedication and love. Parenting is a verb - it is about action. She has a father and it shouldn't and doesn't matter that he is not the bio parent. You can help her be proud of who she is, where she came from and the LOVE that she has in her life. Hiding something implies shame, and you have nothing to hide or deny. She has a father who loves her. She has a bio parent out there. She has a mother who loves her. She is part of your family and is and will be supported. If and when she looks for her bio father, you can support her emotionally.

She might look for him and find she is disappointed by him, but she will have her family to lean on (you and your husband) and a solid foundation of love and trust to fall back on. When a child has been lied to about their origin, they often feel as though their entire reality has been shattered. They loose trust in LIFE and in their family. That, in my opinion, is more devastating then finding that your bio parent is a dud - especially when you have already suspected as much.

You should not feel guilty for having become pregnant when and how you did. It is what it is and as a result you have a gorgeous family who you love. Good luck!

Please, please, please, please, please DO NOT let your daughter live a lie. Let her know the truth of her own life, from the beginning. Don't wait until she's older, start working in the truth as soon as she can speak well and process small bits of information (seriously, around age 2 or 3 - when she starts asking questions about mommies and daddies and families). If it's something that she always just knows about herself, then there is no secret and no shame. It doesn't have to be some difficult question. Just insert a little something along the lines of "actually, daddy wasn't your birth father. Your birth father is the one I made you with but he lives far away now. Daddy met us before you were born and got to watch you grow inside my belly and wait for you to be born. He loved us so much that he wanted to be your new daddy, aren't we so lucky?" and then move on.

My oldest son has never met his birth father, and my step-daughter's parents were never married. There have been no parentage secrets kept from them, and our younger children know that their older brother and sister have different birth parents and it's no big deal.

If you keep this from her, she WILL find out and she WILL resent you and your husband for LYING to her. We all deserve to know our own story.

Tell her she has two dads, one who helped her to grow in side you and helped give her life and one who chose to live with her and love her and care for her every day. Never use the word real or not real. Not real? what is he made of paper? Wait till she asks more questions about them and answer them the best you can. Be prepared with some answers so you wont be "on the spot" like "he chose not to stay and take care of you, how sad for him that he cant see how well you dance or sing or color" "not sure why he didnt think he could be a good daddy to you every day, its sad he wont see how big you're growing and well you can...." If she gets much older and expresses an interest in meeting him say that's a good thing to do when you grow up. You can say she got her eyes from bio dad but her sense of humor (or love of music or...) from her daddy she lives with. My husband and I are the REAL parents of our adopted boy, and we say we are so happy and grateful his bio parents let him come and live with us and let us be his mommy and daddy. Dont let people like Toni V. make you feel bad for a mistake, doesnt sound like she picked a perfect husband and father either!

I am in just about the same situation. The decision is ultimately yours. Myself I have chosen not to lie to my son. I want him to trust me and in the end he will be able to come to his own conclusion about the man who helped me in his making. When I first had my son I went through the hate towards his father but now I feel nothing towards him. I know the kind of man he is now but who know who he will be in the next 12-16 years. People do change and I believe it should be my sons decision as to whether he wants to meet someone who was not there for him or to go on with the father who as Stacey so well put it "Picked him because he loved him so much" There really is no better way to say that Stacey and I appreciate that and I will use it with my son.

I would not hide it. Made it special that her daddy chose to be with the two of you!!!!! My son was 10 month old when I met my husband and almost 2 1/2 when we got married (10 years ago with Thursday) He adopted him when he was 5. He's the only daddy he know. But if she finds out and you had hid it from her she could be upset and you don't want that. Cause useually they find these things out at the times in their lives when we don't want them to. It's best to be up front with them. The younger she is the more accepting she will be.
Good luck and God Bless

You have time to work all this out. But yes, you need to tell her. Secrets always have a way of working their way out. (Your daughter is only three months old, what if her biological father makes a turn around and decides to get in touch with her? ). Things will only end badly if you try to hide it...it will feel like a complete betrayal to her. Tell her early and it will be a non issue, it'll just be a little piece of history, just the way things are in her life. She does need to know that she has a biological father, if for no other reason than her health history.

I would tell her when she's old enough to understand, bu young enough to not turn it into a huge drama - say, around 8-10 years old.

Be honest and age-appropriate and be prepared for a LOT of follow-up questions or total indifference or anything in between. Don't bad-mouth her bio dad though; she may resent you for that later on. Just say he was unable to be her daddy, but she has you and your husband that love her more than anything.

Be honest with your daughter. Not only that you should have gotten he natural father to legally give up his rights. This could become sticky later. What if your little girl becomes ill and needs some body part from her biodad? What if her bio dad has another kid that needs some part of your kid or even worse what if your kid falls head over heals in love with one of biodad's kids. Ewwww but it could happen. This is why honesty is the best policy. Age appropriate honesty. Every one needs to know who they come from. Her biodad isn't just a dad there is a whole host of biorelatives too. Live is S. and this planet is very small. Age appropriate honesty is best. Have a talk with your guy about how you both should be raising her with the truth. He will be her Daddy but you just shouldn't dismiss biodad because he is a "beautiful" piece of work.

I agree with the others that you really do have to tell her. Now if nobody, not even her real father, knew but you I would say you could possibly keep that secret. But the chances are really too good that she finds out somehow and then she will hold it against you for not telling her. You might do it when she is around 7 or 8. I would be scared to do it too long after that b/c little girls can be a little unpredictable.

I am so glad your story turned out so well :-)

I believe in honesty. It won't change her relationship with her father (your fiancee). She has a right to know for a lot of reasons - her medical health, potential addicion tendencies, having biological siblings and grandparents, a cultural past, even what she looks like. I don't think you have a right to deny her the possibility of knowing those things because of a bad choice you made as a young woman. She has a right to know her history. Not to mention if she found out later, how devestated she would be at the lie, regardless of your intentions. And keep in mind, the biological dad might show up when she is 5 or 13 or 20 or 45. Yo uhave no control if you lie. You are risking a lot of hurt to her, but in different ways, as she gets older. You say you don't want her to be disappointed in HIM, but if she ever finds out (and odds are she will), she will be very disappointed in you and your fiancee.

The reason I say these things happen, is because I have experience. Two years ago, my husband found an older sister that no one ever know about. It happens.

In terms of dealing with her, I think you just use the analogy of adoption with her, sort of how adoptive moms say, "you didn't grow in my tummy, but you were a gift I always wanted.".I also suggest you see a lawyer, or you might find yourself in a paternity struggle and custody battle. He may be a bad guy now, but he might show up in 2 years sober and with a pretty little wife envouraging him to raise all his kids. In an ideal world, you would ask him to give up his rights and let your fiance adopt your daughter. Your current situation is very precarious - if he comes back, or god forbid if you died and he came back. You need some legal advice.

I'm an adoptive mom. In my opinion, there is never an option other than the truth. You need to make it a part of her life story and talk to her about it from day one so it doesn't come as a total shock to her when she's older (for example, if you wait until she's 21 to just tell her). If you present her story lovingly to her, then she'll know her history, which is her right. It's also very wonderful that your husband-to-be will adopt her. (Make sure you have done everything you need to do legally with that. You can't just stick someone's name on a birth certificate, especially if the birthfather knows what's going on!)

I really believe if you hide the truth from her it will come back to bite you someday. And it's very much against her right to know her history, as far as I'm concerned.

I am raising my biological niece as my daughter, was there when she was born and have had my sweetie since she was ten days old (she's 17). I never entertained anything other than the truth. This is not for medical reasons because that doesn't always mean anything. I didn't call myself mommy right away because I didn't know what was going to happen right away but from the time she was 2 or so, she knew I didn't birth her. I was able to elaborate more as she got older and she just thought we were a different type of family. Waiting until she is an adult just seems crazy and too risky. It has NEVER been an issue, we are absolutely her parents but she knows where she came from. I say be honest when the time is right, she will take your lead and if you show here there are no issues with it there won't be. Funny, I found out two years ago that my dad made his first daughter in Korea when he was in the army. My father, the jerk that he is, told my mother that he had gotten a girl pregnant but the baby died...classy! The truth came out 45 years later, you never know. Good luck!

the earlier the better like 2....if you wait till she's older she will have a difficult time with knowing how to cope with it.....the older she is, she will have anger towards you for not being truthful.........you may be disappointed in him but you never know how she will feel, that should be her decision in the long run, but she needs the opportunity & if he fails her then it's his own fault

This is a question that I had a while back when my son's dad ran out on us, but he did when my son was 8 months. But I think it would be a good thing for her to know from the get go, that he's not her dad but he loves her like one. That way you avoid the huge shock and potential outlashing in the future when she finds out. If you make it a common and not a huge deal, she wont either. She does have a right to know that he's not her biological dad, but he is by heart.
I now don't have to deal with that because my son's dad came crawling back. It's only been a couple month and things are going great. But if he hadn't come back, that is what I would have done. I also have the situation that my son was going to be placed for adoption to this wonderful couple. I also plan on making that a common known thing since it's part of his and my past. Hiding things, I feel only makes things worse IMO.

tell her i was adopted and my mother started telling me that the day i came home (2 days old) she told me at least once a week and when i got to be about 3 i asked what it meant and she told me. im so greatful she did. I also have a 7 year old daughter who was recently adopted by my husband. we had been dating since she was 18 months old and had called him daddy. she also knew that he was not her bio dad, but her daddy. please tell her.

I second the responder who wanted to know how you were able to put your fiance's name on the birth certificate. I am a single parent in Kentucky and because I was not married to my son's father when he was born, I could NOT put his name on the birth certificate. In the state of Kentucky unless you are married, the father (whether he is involved or not) has to sign an Affidavit of Parternity to send with the application for a birth certificate. I would question whether you truly have a valid/legal birth certificate for your daughter. I suggest that you seek some legal help regarding the validity of the birth certificate.

You may want absolutely nothing from the biological father but he has an obligation to your daughter and you need to make sure that you have done everything properly from the beginning - because you never know where life may take you.

As for the question of whether you tell her the truth - ABSOLUTELY! You have to be upfront and honest with her from the beginning. Of course you make it age appropriate comments but you have to be forthcoming with information when she does begin to ask.

For health history reasons it is important that she know. For the sake of your relationship and trust, it is important that YOU be the one to tell her. It should however be at a time that is appropriate in your best judgement. Also keep in mind that this means your daughter will have additional grandparents (your parents, your soon to be hubby's parents, and her biological father's parents). It is not their fault her father is not doing right by her and would most likely want a relationship with their grandchild.

Additionally, since you fiance's name is in the birth certificate, you have to consider that if her biological father ever decides to claim her and require a blood test he could end up with visitation rights or if you and your fiance don't work out he's on the birth certificate but if child support was warranted he could dispute paternity and it could be too late to get child support from her biological father.

She will need to find out eventually, and if you don't tell her, probably someone else will.... Better from you. It would be best if both you and her dad tell her together.

She may be stunned and confused, she may just shrug it off! But she does deserve to know. Plus, eventually she may need to know her biological father's family medical history- or at least be able to say "I don't know his medical history"- if she ever has medical problems creep up.

BUT... this can all wait till she is a little bit older and can better process these things... like middle school or high school. If she decides she wants to meet her dad, so be it. Support her, but remind her that there is a whole lot more to "family" than genetics.

Even if she is confused at first... I bet she will come to appreciate the fact that you loved her so much that you gave her a dad that loves her SO much he overlooked biology just to have her- that is the type of love you cannot ignore!

Good Luck!
-M.

I would think in terms of health concerns you would have to. Your husband can be her daddy, but totally explain when it's age appropriate that her father is a different person from Daddy and as such you're not sure of what health concerns might arise in her future..... for instance, it sounds like this man may be an alcoholic. if that's the case then she NEEDS to know so you can teach her what she has inherited, what the wisest choices are for her and give her the tools to make those decisions before she heads to college at 18. If for no other reason, I would tell her for health reasons.

a friend was in the same place years ago. they chose not to tell the child and he found out as a young adult. well he no longer speaks to his mother but does still have a relationship with the father he has always know. i was afraid that this wiould come back to bit her in the butt and it did. tell her when she is still young but not to young. R.

Well, I would consult with her "real" dad, you know the one there for her and ask him. I would do what he thinks is best because really it will affect his relationship more than yours.

If you do tell her , do it earlier than later. She is 3 and they are learning that babies come from mommies belly and that daddies somehow put them there. She will think everyone has a dad like hers (not bio dad) if she is told now vs told later.

I would tell her... maybe even give her a picture of him... but then explain to her that her new "daddy" loved her so much he wanted her to be his daughter because she is so special.

You do need to tell her but maybe some moms have better advice on what age. I grew up thinking my father was my 'real' father and he wasn't. I always wondered as a child why I was pale skinned, freckled, blonde hair, etc and my 'dad' was tan with black hair. he didn't treat me as a real father would have...not the same love that most of my friends had with their dads. Things were just different. At age 21 when they were divorcing, my mom told me. I accepted what she said and felt sorry for her to have gone through that turmoil but mostly it answered many questions for me. I say that when she hits maybe 8 or 9 you should sit her down and tell her. Explain to her what a "father" is and what a "daddy" is. Tell her that you want her to understand that her father was not a good man and that as her mommy you protected her and took her away from that future. You essentially saved her. That is how I looked at it. Then tell her what a 'daddy' is...the man that truly loves her as his own. I think things will turn out ok as long as this man truly does love her and respects you and takes care of both of you. If this man does not turn out to be these things, she may hold it against you later. Good luck, it will all work out