Daddy Trouble

My father in law never liked me. He said I was no good and would never have a job and if I ever found a job, it would only be by accident. He said I was stingy, cheap, etc. and would never treat his daughter right.

When I married his daughter, I was broke, watched every penny and was trying to get my bachelors degree in finance. I took a job in a mortuary as a night watchman/janitor because the pay included a studio apartment. I tried my entire married life to please my FIL & MIL. My MIL finally came around after about 15 years. Now I'm her favorite SIL.

I brought my wife to his death bed where she and her brothers said good by. He was still cussing me after his daughter and I had been married over 30 years. All of my brothers in law came up to me afterwards, separately, and apologized for his untrue criticisms.

Why did I tell you this? Some people take a stance and refuse to alter that stance. "Don't give me the facts, I've made up my mind." Pride? Ego? I just don't know.

How to solve the problem? Have a dinner with your dad or maybe with your mom and dad. Tell him you love him and love your husband. Tell him its hard on you to see the two men you love at odds with one another. Ask him point blank what it is he doesn't like about your husband, and how he can change that. Then act on his statements. Thank him and leave.

Those that are reasonable, ask your husband to change. Those that are not, tell your dad he is not being reasonable. The only way I could have pleased my FIL was to have committed suicide.

Good luck to you and yours.

Did your husband show you disrespect? Like move in with you or have sex with you before marriage? My husband would never respect any guy who would treat our daughter like that. Do you complain about something he has done or said in front of your dad? Dads will always be protective of their daughters and will not approve of any selfish behavior that puts their own interests before their daughter's.

If your husband did something to disapprove of, he needs to man up and face your dad in person and apologize. Just the two of them. He has to admit what he did wrong, why it was wrong and why he understands how it hurt your dad. Then he has to say that he has grown up since then and now will never disrespect you. He will need to point out behaviors that prove his maturity and growth. If your husband doesn't jump at the chance to make things right, I'd wonder if you married a "boy" instead of a man.

You are a grown woman, you made a choice - it wasn't your father's choice to make. You knew your father didn't approve, but you did this anyway.

You need to accept the consquences of your actions. You cannot make your father like this guy. You can ask your dad why (although I think you already know), you can ask your dad to make an effort, but don't expect much.

Unless your husband has been disrespectful to your dad in some manner, I'd let your dad feel how ever he wants to feel. You cannot make him want to be around or make him want to be a part of your life.

I get the impression that there's more to it than just a dad's disapproval...just sayin...

Sending good thoughts your way...

With very little background information it is really difficult to offer any advice at all. Instead of trying to force false friendship and camraderie, why not just continue to invite him to family functions, include him in family news, encourage your husband to be friendly and relaxed around him. Is your husband willing to reach out to him in some way? Do they have a interest or hobby in common?? Fishing, golf, working on cars, anything that they could talk about together or spend a few hours enjoying together? That might be a good way to start.
But keep in mind that you cannot force two people to get along that just don't like each other!!! My MIL ...in fact most of my husbands family did not seem to think much of me when we first got married back in 1969. My husband's 2 aunts and maternal grandfather were the only members of his family who attended our wedding. Now...40 years later, we all get along well, family reunions are joyous occassions and all of the tension of our newlywed days are long forgotten!!!
Just concentrate on making your marriage as strong and united as you can...that will be the best way of proving your Dad wrong and showing him that you made the right decision!!!

Unfortunately, there's no way to control or change what somebody else feels. You can chat with your dad, ask him to share his feelings (which he may not want to do), ask questions about what, specifically, he observes about your husband that he doesn't like.

Do NOT do this for the purpose of changing his feelings, but simply give him the gift of hearing him out. You're an adult now. You can do this. Don't get defensive, DON'T argue against any of his positions, just listen. Try to hear his heartbeat. Your father has a right to his feelings, just as you have a right to yours.

As a result, you may simply be able to understand and appreciate your dad more. And that can sometimes affect a person's feelings in a most miraculous way. Even if he doesn't like your guy, you'll quite possibly notice that he becomes more relaxed around him.

You may find your dad adores you and is jealous another man has won your heart. If that's the case, letting him know more often that you're thinking of him, that you value his presence in your life, could make a difference.

Your husband may hold animosity toward your dad, too. This problem isn't usually completely one-sided. He'll have to figure out what to do about that – you can't change him, either.

Only your father can tell you why he doesn't like him. It could just be that he feels nobody is good enough for his baby girl, or he could see something in him that you don't. One of my friends had this issue and her parents didn't attend her wedding but many years later finally came around. Now her mother has to come live with them due to health issues and she is grateful that her son in law could afford to build an addition on to their home just for her. You need to sit down and talk to your daddy and get to the bottom of his dislike for your husband.

hello,
this sounds like my dad. but with reason, my husband quit his jobs and we were on welfare and having marital problems, my dad wouldnt even allow my husband to come and have dinner when i and the kids came to eat cause we had nothing in the fridge.

eventually my husband man up got a decent job, we bought a house and been married 31 yrs. my dad didnt break down the door to be friends with husband but he was more tolerant of him. thats all i could ask for. (dad hated my sister's husband, wouldnt even talk to him)

I would leave it alone. Your commitment is to your husband "for the two shall become one flesh" and your family. You could try to ask your dad what the issue is, maybe it is just a misunderstanding, but ultimately, if you have asked the 2 of them to talk respectfully to resolve the issue and it hasnt worked then I would leave it alone. Again, your commitment and your loyalty belong to your husband and his to you. This is your father's issue - leave the door open, but let him know unequivocally your family and especially your husband, is where your loyalty lies.

You didn't say why your Dad doesn't like your husband. It sounds like more is going on than you have mentioned. I agree with the previous poster in that you knew how your father felt and you married this guy anyway. I think your husband needs to be respectful of your Dad too. Good luck.

Your dad probably felt you were too young to start dating, let alone end up marrying the same guy (I assume he's much older than you and if so, I can see why your dad didn't like him).

But, you married him and are still married. Your dad is a grown man and his main goal in life is to protect his daughter. I would have a one on one meeting with your dad and ask him straight out why he doesn't care for your husband. It might be jealousy, it might be something he knows that you are choosing to not see. But, you'll never know unless you ask.

My best friend started dating an older guy when she was 16 years old. Her dad never approved. She's been married for 19 years now and has been faithful since day one. But, as she aged, she stopped being shy and learned how to be independant (something her husband didn't like). Her husband has recently asked for a divorce and she's now besides herself, but will be fine.

She has now come to realize that if she had said no when he first asked for her hand in marriage, she would have dated others and would have figured out what she liked and disliked in a guy and would not have married him, if she would have just listened to her dad.

Now your husband may be the best man in the world, but in your dad's eyes, I bet he just wished that you would have first dated others before you made that life long commitment.

I am sorry this is happening to you. However if you are 21 (my math) and are married, there isn't a darn thing he can say or do about how you feel and nor can you.

We don't get to choose what other people think. There is nothing you can do. You have to let go and keep your relationship with your father healthy. He doesn't have to like or embrace your husband. It is just the way it is.

I would ask him what his reasons are for disliking him...and be prepared for it to mean nothing to you...or it could make you rather angry. I would leave well enough alone.