Dad Won't Share Happiness About Kids

I think Amanda G is onto something, here. If you feel that you can talk to the ex-wife, maybe ask her how he acted with the two older ones, back when. A lot of men just don't GET babies. They are sort of scared of them.

I think some men prefer the older stage "the communicating" one, This is going to sound terrible, but my husband finds my 7 year old much more interesting than i do, and i find my toddler much more interesting than he does. I find them both interesting, dont get me wrong, but one more... much much.. more than the other. And my oldest finds the toddler fascinating as well. We try not to let on about this, but i think its obvious. Before you judge him on not seeming to be interested in the younger ones, let them grow to the age the older ones are at now.

until then smother the younger ones with so much love. maybe mention your concerns to him as well, he may not realize hes making it so obvious.

From your previous posts, it seems like a lot makes you an upset mama:) Anyways, it looks like you are fed up with being a step-parent(your words), and that may be clouding your relationship with your husband. Also, he may be the type of father that doesn't go all gooey over the younger years, but becomes more emotionally responsive as the children become older. A lot of parents are like that. It is not ideal in a single parent situation, but it can really work in a two parent situation if at least one of the parents is more receptive in the younger years, such as yourself.

For you to say that your husband is only interested in his two older children is selfish in my opinion. It is a lame and petty argument to have between adults. People show their interest in a variety of ways to different people, not just in the ways you want them to. It sounds like your husband is being very careful to make sure his first two kids are acknowledged completely, as they are the ones who struggle with displacement, not the younger three. The first two will be older teenagers and no longer children very soon. This is also a very important time for them. I think you should stop nagging your husband about his attention to them.

I completely understand. We have a set of grandparents that are that way. You may think that that's not the same, but trust me, its the same 'what about my kids' emotion.

My advice to you is to note what kind of things he pays attention to for the older kids, and only share that stuff with him for the younger kids. Leave notes to yourself, or from the doctor at your spot for YOU to read over later. I guarentee that he will see some of it.

It may sound backwards, but it has worked over here. There was a school activity. We didn't tell them about it, but hung the flyer on the fridge. They were over at the house, saw the flyer and were like 'Why did you tell us, we want to go'. I was surprised.

If / when he reads the notes and says 'why didn't you tell me', you can say, 'well i left the note for you'.

Hugs.
M.

I cant really be sure of course, but SOME men really enjoy older kids that can 'do stuff' and dont really understand/enjoy younger children...maybe that is just it. I would deff. talk to him about how you feel..good luck. xo

He's probably feeling guilty about not being there for his older children, and maybe for not trying harder to keep them all a family. Don't push the issue, let the kids draw him in, this way he can't call you selfish. I pray things get better. J.

Your children with him... WILL feel the disparity in treatment... that he gives them.
THAT is sad.
He is, affecting them... indirectly and directly, whether he admits that or not.
Calling you "selfish" is him putting his own inadequacies on you.
That is selfish. He is selfish.

It is very sad... that his and your kids... WILL feel, his differing emotions/treatment... and then, they may even RESENT him.... and their step sisters/brothers.
That is unfortunate.

HE is... creating a lasting legacy, upon your and his kids.... and that is very short-sighted and selfish, of him.
It is discrimination.

all the best,
Susan

Maybe he is putting more of an emphasis on the other kids because he knows the stats on kids feeling rejected and abandoned when mommy or daddy remarry and make new kids with someone else.

Maybe he is making sure his first kids aren't feeling less important. That being said, ignoring his other children isn't right, but are you sure he isn't sharing the joys of his other children? Many people respond differently to things, and just because he doesn't, ooh and awwe over everything like most mothers do, doesn't mean that he isn't enjoying his children.

Also, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with young children and will have a better relationship with them when they are older. Perhaps you are jumping to conclusions and being a bit sensitive here. Just make sure you are being a good mother.

Updated

Maybe he is putting more of an emphasis on the other kids because he knows the stats on kids feeling rejected and abandoned when mommy or daddy remarry and make new kids with someone else.

Maybe he is making sure his first kids aren't feeling less important. That being said, ignoring his other children isn't right, but are you sure he isn't sharing the joys of his other children? Many people respond differently to things, and just because he doesn't, ooh and awwe over everything like most mothers do, doesn't mean that he isn't enjoying his children.

Also, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with young children and will have a better relationship with them when they are older. Perhaps you are jumping to conclusions and being a bit sensitive here. Just make sure you are being a good mother.

Well ...... I do not have step kids, but I can offer some little bit of advice.
First, only your husband knows his true inner feelings. What you preceive as "favortism" towards the older children could simply be that they are at an age that he feels like he has more to offer them. Have you asked yourself if you would feel the same way if the 2 older ones were your biological children? Would you still feel as though he is more interested in them?
I do not want to make you feel like your feelings have no validation. As a mother I know that my "claws" come out when I feel like something is not okay concerning my children.
Now I can tell you that I have 4 children - 14yrs, 9 yrs, 5 yrs and 17 months. My observation is that my husband does not share in the same excitement that I do when it comes to many of the firsts and new things with the kids. He will have a long conversation with our oldest, but will "scoot" the 5 year old out to play in her bedroom if he wants to sit and watch tv. Okay, so maybe not the same thing you are going through, but it's just to point out that some (NOT ALL) of what you perceive is actually not the truth.
You have already spoken to your husband. You have to believe his words are truth or your marriage would be based on lies. Now, if he is buying gifts for the older 2, going to their school functions and ignoring the younger ones, then a red light should go off. As long as you are raising them all the same, same rules to follow, same discipline for breaking the rules, same thought going into gifts, all children invited on family outtings ...... maybe you could be over reacting - just a little bit.

You need to have ANOTHER serious talk with him about this. Perhaps within the presence of a counselor.

To me it doesn't sound like he doesn't love him or anything, it sounds like there are some other things in the way of this. Perhaps he is still unhappy that things didn't work out between their mother and he (not saying he still loves her like that, but maybe just sad about it). Perhaps he can relate to older children better (there ARE people like that). Perhaps he is only used to having things not work out between the mother of his children and he that he struggles to make things work. Perhaps there is something between you and your husband that should be resolved, and he is passive-aggressively taking it out by "ignoring" the children in ways.

There IS something there, that is for sure. A counselor could help clarify and heal things. If not a counselor, maybe a good book on marriage can give you two some ideas and bring you closer together- because I DO think that this is probably stemming from an issue between the two of you.

How was he before you had your own kids? Were you able to talk to him then? Regardless of the reasons why you both feel/act the way you do, the only way to resolve it is to have an open and non-judgmental conversation about it. Hard to do when you are exhausted with the full time care of 3 little ones. Maybe tell him that you feel super tired and could he please take over the care for the 3 young ones for an hour or 2? My husband left the younger one to me and played more with the older one since he thought I preferred it that way, but when we talked he was more than willing to switch it around. Talk to him, email him, whatever you need to do to bring these feelings out in the open. But make sure to listen with an open mind, he may have concerns about you that he is keeping inside and hearing them may make you feel attacked. Good luck.