Pregnant and Less than Thrilled, Not to Mention Scared.

Just like everyone else that was a little less than thrilled about a pregnancy, my daughter is the light of my life and has changed my life and her father's life in so many ways for the better. BUT I was mad as hell when I found out I was pregnant! I promise you, it will be okay.

oh, baby. i wish i had something to say that would lift the worry and fear.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{C.}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
khairete
S.

Dear C.,

When someone posts with this dilemma, I think someone else has the responsibility to state that you do have the legal right to terminate your pregnancy. I'm not advocating this for you -- I'm completely neutral on the matter -- but you do have this right. It's legal, and it's medically safe.

And, the only other thing I have to add is that you sound like a wonderful mom and a good person. You will always be those things, no matter what decision you make.

Best wishes,

Mira

I got pregnant at 36. I was divorced with a 13 yr old. Everyone I know, including my 13 yr old and the father of the baby were furious and dissapointed in me. Less than ideal?

I cried for 6 months. I was worried he was going to come out unhappy because I cried so much and I was so depressed the whole pregnancy. I was worried about Downs because I was older.

But this sad story ended like every other "tragic" unplanned pregnancy. WIth the most beautiful, happiest little ball of sunshine you ever wanted to see. He is a great blessing to me, his dad, and his big sister. He brought me and dad together for good and brought dad to a whole new maturity. He gives us all so much joy. Your little one will too.

Some of your feelings may be hormonal, some may be attitude and take a little adjustment. But you know why I only cried for 6 months? Once I felt that little bugger moving, I fell in love with him. Once I saw him on the ultrasound, he was my heart. This child is going to bless your life along with your husband and your son. I have 4 brothers. We grew up poor. But if you asked me to trade my brothers for lessons, private schools, or anything else, I'd laugh.

Breathe!

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."
John Lennon

With my first pregnancy, I was crying and really upset for a long while, since I really never wanted kids - and then got 4 that I adore. Lots of us go through this! My friend was overwhelmed with 2 kids and found out she was pregnant with #3 and it took her 29 weeks to get over the anger with her husband who refused to get a vasectomy and she ALWAYS used birth control. At 31 weeks, she got an ultrasound and found out it was twins. I thought she was going to pass out. She birthed them at home 2 days before her EDD with each of weighing almost 8 pounds. She's a tiny thing and barely weighs 115 pounds. She has 4 kids now and a busy family life.

With baby #2, I was STUNNED and at week 10, I contracted Rubella. Yes, fear of congenital malformations was there. I took 6-10 Immuplex from Standard Process every single day from that day through the entire pregnancy. We use it for viruses and it works like a charm...and it's safe during pregnancy. Camu Camu is also for viruses, but not sure about it's safety during pregnancy.

Anyway, I figured this baby's body was going to do what it needed to do to heal properly, so I let it run it's course, since there is NOTHING an OB can do...but our bodies can do plenty with the right nutrition and mind frame.

I got massages every week throughout my pregnancy to keep me calm and happy, which is better than getting stuck with a needle and stressing me out with stupid tests that usually are wrong. I took real prenatal vitamins (New Chapter) no synthetic ones from the pharmacy and Nordic Naturals fish oil, as well as PB8 (probiotic). I also took a great CalMag.

I went 4.5 WEEKS past my EDD. Everyone was freaking out, but I figured that my first baby was 3 days early and this one's body needed some extra time to heal. He was born at home weighing 10 pounds 4oz without even a tear. He was perfect in every way. I was back to work 4 days later with him in tow, since I took time off before my EDD and he was so late, I had to get back to work to pay the bills.

He was due April 20th and showed up May 25th. He was a little grey the first 3 days, but each day he pinked up more and more. It just took his heart time to close up properly and I thank God that I let my body dictate rather than some doctor, as I KNOW he would have needed surgery if I had been induced a month earlier.

Do what you can and don't feel guilty for feeling they way you are. Honor where you are and realize that those feelings will change.

I don't know anything about CMV, but if you are reading "sad story after sad story" on the internet, please get OFF the internet! You can get a lot of misleading and "worst case" information. Make an appointment with an OB doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies and get some reliable information. Doctors also need to tell you the "worst case scenario," but they can give you accurate statistics and information. Get a 2nd opinion if you need to. Then see if you can get testing such as an amnio or upper level ultrasound and that information can either help you relax and get used to the idea of being pregnant or help you plan, prepare and make the necessary decisions. Best wishes to you and your family.

If you are praying, then can I assume you believe in God?? God always, always has a plan for us that is bigger than we can fathom. I honestly don't know anything about CMV. Since God gave you this baby, He has the plans for it. Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to trust in Him! He gives us challenges but He never gives us more than we can truly handle. One day, maybe not today, tomorrow, next week or next year, you will see why all this has happened. When the worry hits, talk to God. Pour your heart out to Him; He's a great listener!

On a more personal note, I am also pregnant with our second baby. It was an unexpected pregnancy. Our son will only be 1.5 years old when this baby arrives. We also had a miscarriage scare early on. While I look forward to loving another child so very much, I admitted to my husband that I'm not too excited about it yet. I try not to worry about it and send any worries to God. Remember we have 9 months to get used to the idea. I think I traded anxiety about becoming a parent in general, to anxiety about becoming a parent to TWO with this pregnancy. Through God all things are possible. The good times would never seem so beautiful without those challenges.

I always try to remember the saying, "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." YOU thought you knew what your life was going to be over the next few years, but apparently, God has other plans for you. What a beautiful gift He has given you, and I think you know that, too. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so concerned for your unborn child's well-being. Everything else you described can be managed and more a matter of preference or convenience than not knowing how you could support another child. Skimping on vacation or sending y our kids to public school vs. private isn't quite the same as being scared that you won't be able to keep a roof over your family's head and food on the table. It sounds mostly like you're scared for the baby, which is understandable. Have you discussed with your OB/GYN? Sending prayers for you, your family and the health of your little one.

I felt that way about my 3rd. So happy with my two little boys. Couldn't IMAGINE having enough love, patience, etc, for ANOTHER. Looking at a different little face, marriage not as strong as it could be, sigh.....

It's UNTHINKABLE now of course, the idea of not having my daughter (15), oh my goodness what a joy she is every moment of my life.

A year from now and forever more you'll feel shamed for having these thoughts, normal as they are.

Point is, hang in there. Now I actually MOURN for the 4th and 5th etc child I NEVER had!

(I google CMV, big mistake. Just sit tight til you can discuss it at length with your OB/midwife, ok? Then we'll go from there)

Congratulations!

:)

I don't have stories about CMV but my story is that I found out I was pregnant with our third (unexpected...but not unwanted) two weeks after my husband (only income) lost his job...to make that even more challenging I suffered from Hyperemesis Gravadarum with that pregnancy, I practically lived in the hospital on IV fluids...I was severely sick, I can tell you that at some points in time I wanted to quick and just terminate I am not going to lie to you...I feared all the fears that you could as far as what will happen to my baby, will it be born ok, have health issues...etc.

Well she was born happy and healthy and it the most amazing 2 year old! Yes she does have a health issue that we were not expecting but the health issue is not one we can directly link to my health issues while pregnant....

So you just never know...but one thing is for sure...he child is a gift to us, we can accept it or decline it but how often are you giving a gift that you are not at least greatful to be given

Get on those prenatal vitamins.

I got pregnant with my second child when my first was just 9 months old. I was MAD and so not ready!

But I just went along with it. I knew I couldn't have an abortion (I'm pro-choice...but my personal choice for my own body is life).

9 and a half years later, I know it was the right choice. I have no doubt. My boys are GREAT friends and we have a wonderful family dynamic because they're so close in age.

Don't worry, mama. It will be wonderful. God has plans for your family.

Sorry about the infection, so much worry! I was recently pregnant with # three. It was not planned and I was really thinking I could stop at 2 for the same reasons you listed. I was not excited when I found out and felt guilty. I also complained nonstop about what my life was going to look like with three. In a way it felt like my life was ruined. But you know, when I went in for the 8 week ultra sound to discover I had a nonviable pregnancy, I was not in any way relieved. I was very sad. It was a loss and a blow.
My SIL got pregnant with two extra kids at age 40 and 43 while her husband lollygagged about getting a vasectomy. But thats their family and no one would change it! Maybe God wants to sneak in a gift for you, something so wonderful, something you didn't even know you wanted.

I don't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself. I would NOT have been happy to be pregnant with a 14 month old either! First of all, everything is probably going to be fine, and you'll probably be fine with having the baby by the time it comes. Your child will almost be two at that point instead of 14 months.

I'm not familiar with the whole CMV situation, but arrange to have CVS testing with your doctor, and you can find out if there are a number of birth defects or problems present that way. They can do CVS testing much earlier than an amnio.

Just think -if it all works out and you have this baby, at least you have all the gear and everything you need, and you won't have to go buy more!

Also, if you and your husband are done, then do something PERMANENT so that you don't get pregnant again. Anytime you're having sex, unless one of you has been permanently "fixed" -you could possible get pregnant, so if you don't want anymore, then do something. Vasectomies are great!

Their always is a bigger plan in place in any situation. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. I like to think that in those situation, God has the wheel. I am sure it is very hard to not be stressed, anxious, and worried about what will happen. Know that you aren't alone, and your thoughts and worries are heard.

I have no idea what CMV is, but good Lord, stop looking it up, you are going to drive yourself insane! Speak to medical professions for any concerns. Write all of your questions down so you do not forget.

I got pregnant with my 3rd, and was scared shitless the entire time. I have to admit, the scared, overwhelming feeling never went away until she was about 6 months old!!

She will be one next month, and I have NEVER been this happy in my life. I am complete, its amazing and I have arrived.

It WILL be ok. Believe in yourself, you are capable of so much more than you are giving yourself credit for.

A year from now you will look back and say Thank God I do not feel that way anymore.

Good luck and Congrats!!

There are good and bad things about every situation. Many people that win the lottery end up divorced and bankrupt within 5 years of winning millions in a lottery.

Our first three children were 14 and 16 months apart. It worked wonderfully for us. They were close together in age and had many of the same interests. They helped each other with homework, played sports on the same teams, earned their Eagle Scout ranks at almost the same times, went on dates together.

Our last child was a "surprise" like yours. Like your aunt's last child, he has turned out to be such a joy to our family. Also, you will be able to afford just about anything you want for your children, just not everything you want. But if we all waited to have children until we could have afforded them then the human race would have become extinct a long time ago.

You may not feel lucky or loving toward this baby now, but he will become a joy to you and your husband. My mother and father were both "only" children and they both hated it. When they got married, they both wanted at least two kids. And that's why I had a little brother.

Good luck to you and yours, and CONGRATULATIONS on your new addition.

I think it's natural to feel overwhelmed when your plans get changed. So cry or yell or whatever...and then take a deeeeeeeep breath and start getting informed. What do you do now? I have no knowledge about CMV, but if I were in your shoes, I'd start with my OB. Perhaps get a referral to a high-risk OB.

As for the schools, maybe looking around will help you put it in perspective. Like daycares and preschools there are a lot of options. My DH had his older kids in private school...and then he got divorced and couldn't afford it. The kids went to public school and both received scholarships to college. Maybe you don't like the public schools where you are now so you move. Or you find something that will work for DS when he gets to kindergarten.

When looking for preschool for DD, I couldn't afford the time or money for some of them. But then I hit on a 1/2 day option that will work for us for fall, and it's right in my own backyard. When I was a kid, I went to private school for several years on a scholarship. Etc. You don't know til you look.

And what constitutes a "great" vacation? Some of our best family trips were small-scale but where we enjoyed a lot of family time. Little kids are more portable than you might think. We took a 3 yr old to the UK last summer. She did better than the "big kids"!

You can also consider therapy. It's hard when you're not given what you wanted and sometimes you need a different POV. I liked on Roseanne when DJ asked if he was a mistake and Roseanne said, "No, you're a surprise....a surprise is something you didn't know you wanted til you got it."

On a minor level, I wanted a boy and my sister wanted a girl...we goth the opposite. I admit I cried when I first found out DD was a girl. But then I got past it and I wouldn't trade her now for any boy.

So hang in there. Take a breath and regroup. Maybe things aren't going to be just so....but maybe that's not such a bad thing, either.

Give yourself time, you have 9 months to get used to the idea. I got pregnant the second time, when my first was only 9 months old, it was the first time we had unprotected sex after having her, I was still nursing so I didn't expect to get pregnant, but i did. I was a nervous wreck, and not too excited, didn't know how I would handle two, still didn't have the first one sleeping through the night, etc! All that said, at about 12 weeks, we had adjusted to the idea and were starting to get excited, and plan, etc. Then we went in for an ultrasound, and they said that was no heartbeat, and although we had just gotten used to he idea of two, it was a real loss and a blow to us to lose the baby. Not saying you will have any complications, you may not, but it really brings it home that babies are a gift, and it is not our plan but God's that happens. We were fortunate to get pregnant again easily about 6 months after our loss, and we have a healthy 3 year old and our first is 5 now. Maybe God heard my panic over having 2 so close and decided to give us more time, who knows?

You can decide to be scared, or negative, or you can turn the worry over to God and decide to rejoice in the gift you've been given. Maybe start a gratitude journal, or just pray every day for what you need and what you are glad you have. You can not control all your circumstances in life, but you can control how you react to them! Choose Joy!

Jessie

If you really don't want another baby, you don't have to have it.

I don't know about the CMV part but I also got pregnant unexpectedly with our second. Failed birth control... Our first wasn't even a year old. I was in shock, we hadn't adjusted to #1 very well bc she didnt' sleep, I didn't sleep, my husband was obsessed with working so we were fighting etc. Typically I'd feel sorry for someone unexpectedly pregnant ie: your aunt who already had 2 and they were older now. But in your case, a sibling will be a great gift and our two play SO well together. It's very hard in the beginning I will say though yours will be a bit further apart. Now we've lost count of all the times we've thanked God they were born so close together and have each other. I'm also very financially frugal so understand your concern there too but it'll be doable. You're not talking 5 or 6 kids... But as someone said, you don't absolutely have to have this baby. I certainly wouldn't pass judgement. But if you decide to go ahead, and get as much onfo from a Dr that you can on CMV, I think you'll be glad you did. You're married, not poor, this will only be #2, close in age will make things so much more fun later etc. Good luck!

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

I think it is normal for you to feel the way you do since this was unexpected, and I think with time you will come around and become just as excited as you were with your first.

Something I don't like sharing but I will do here in hopes of showing you some empathy is that, with my first child, she was completely unplanned and we were entirely not ready to start a family. I was so against the pregnancy when I found out that I had full intentions of having an abortion. I will leave out details and PLEASE - anyone out there who is pro-life - save me your 2 cents because I didn't have an abortion.

Anyway, we decided to go through with the pregnancy and I can't tell you how happy I am that we did. I know women say children are blessings and children change their lives but it was something more than that for me and my husband.Something bigger and beyond... this is why we are trying for a second child now.

I hope for you, this is something more for your family than what it appears to be. You are giving your son a sybling which cannot be replaced with a nice school or nice toys. When I think of my childhood I dont think of my favorite toys or vacations, I think of the memories I have playing with my brothers.

This child is meant to be and he or she will change your life forever, who knows maybe even change the world? May be the next Einstein, Steve Jobs, or Oprah =)

Good story: CDC stats have 85%-95% of babies born from mothers who contracted CMV while pregnant to have absolutely nothing wrong with them whatsoever.

So, really, the stats ate similar to the number of children who are injured in car crashes.

If you lose the roll, and your child ends up injured or killed in a car accident or congenital cmv infection... then stats mean nothing... BUT how often have you driven your child around? Do you worry about their injuries or death as much as you are now worried? If so, there's therapy for that (hugs, I'm serious). If not, then you do exactly as you do with your child you drive around. As much as you can (car seats, doctors orders), and live your life.

Well, you had a curve ball thrown into your plans. It's how you react to the curve ball that will get your through this. The saying the best laid plans of mice and men go astray is what happened in your case. Prepared or not here comes baby number 2.

Take a deep breath and regroup. If you have money for one you have money for two. You change things up a bit to accomodate the other. Include permanent birth control in the plan then you won't have any more "surprise" visitors to the family. But do make sure you are really truly ready and finished or it won't get done.

There seems to be a bit of selfishness in your statement about what you wanted to do in your life. Well we all have to be flexible. I wanted two more kids and didn't have them because moving around military it gets hard to find nice living quarters (apartment/houses) to rent with more than two or with a pet in tow.

Remember you are living your life not your aunt's. You can still do the things you want to do just at a different pace. Back when your aunt had her third life was not like it is and she probably had no help and had to stay home.

Think positive thoughts that the baby will be healthy. If you cannot or will not take care of the child there is always adoption.

My best to you and your decision.

The other S.

I felt this way with my second child... and a little with my third. With my second, it was just too soon, my first was your son's age. With my third, I was ready to go back to work and my kids were starting school, so I was exciting for some independence. But, like your aunt, they are amazing joys and I couldn't imagine life without them. It's common for people to be apprehensive about pregnancy, even for the ones who are planned!

As for the CMV, from what I know, there is a pretty positive outcome for the majority of infants. There may be some health issues, but the major ones are pretty rare. A c-section is most likely what you will have to stop from passing it through the birth canal, and you will most likely be told not to breastfeed, as it can pass through the mother's milk. Tons of great info here on it:

kidshealth.org/parent/infections/bacterial_viral/cytomegalovirus.html

(had to remove the http: part b/c the link wasn't working)

C.- all life is a gift from God, so congratulations on the new life growing inside of you. You sound like a wonderful mother to your son, so this baby is lucky to have you!

Give yourself some time to absorb the shock. Not only were you not planning on this, you had specifically decided against it. Of course you're going to take a while to come around. But just like the story about your aunt, you WILL love this child, and soon you won't be able to imagine life without this child. Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the life that you imagined for the THREE of you before you embrace the life that you will begin to imagine for the FOUR of you. Trust me, as a mother of two, you can still do all the things you did for one with two. And yes, you DO have enough love in your heart for both. Love doesn't divide in a mother's heart, it just grows.

And side bar, I'm going to risk sounding judgey for just a sec, because you say the pregnancy is 'unexpected'. Were you doing anything to prevent it? I'm just curious because I often wonder about women who say they just totally didn't see it coming. You're either preventing it or not, right?? I'm NOT judging, I'm just honestly curious.

Good luck and congratulations!

As far as unexpected pregnancy goes- I'm right there with you. Our third was a total shock to my husband and I. We had made the decision to be done because we had chosen a private school for our children and could only afford tuition for 2-not 3-kids. Well, a month after we enrolled our oldest son in school, I found out I was pregnant. We were not excited about it, there was alot of strife throughout the pregnancy, and yes- it took the FULL 9 months to come to terms with the idea and embrace it. In fact, as we were in the hospital after delivering her, and the nurses joked about keeping her to themselves, I half expected my husband to agree! Anyway, 18 months later and she is a joy to our whole family. You will come around, you will embrace the idea, but yes-it may take the full 9 months to get there. Don't worry about the comments that you're being selfish or whatever- you fully admitted that you know there are people who would love to be in your position- you're just being honest and admitting how you feel.

As far as CMV goes, I don't know what to tell you there. I'm a pediatric physical therapist and I have treated a few of these CMV babies. There are legitimate health concerns and you have reason to be a little more concerned. However, don't stress your entire pregnancy out just because of a "maybe"! A mom of one boy I worked with who contracted CMV told me that she was glad she had no idea the entire pregnancy. Despite the total shock when her boy was born, she loved every minute of her pregnancy and would not change it if she had the chance. Unfortunately, you don't have this luxury, but information can be dangerous or it can be powerful. Make sure you're Ob/gyn is aware of the high risk. Maybe see if they will send you to a high risk doctor. You would be monitored regularly and if there any serious health concerns, they should have a pretty good idea before the baby is born. Prenatal care is not going to pick up on everything, but the extra monitoring could help rule out some of the scary possibilities as the pregnancy continues. Also, you could have contracted CMV long before the pregnancy and just not known it. Most adults contract this virus early in life, and they just think it's a cold. Once you have the antibodies, they are always present in your blood. It's possible you could have contracted it previously, and re-contracted it during this pregnancy. I always test CMV positive if my blood is tested, but I had the antibodies long before I got pregnant with any of my 3 kids (likely from the child I referenced above), and I don't recall any time I was sick where I suspect I contracted the virus. All three of my kids are perfectly healthy as well. Hang in there!