Dad Gravelly Ill, How to Talk to Daughter??

Please let your friend know that my heart goes out to her and her daughter and her husband, who I am sure is sad to leave his family behind.

Your friend's family needs a lot of support, especially the daughter. She needs to be told in a gentle but very matter-of-fact way. She needs to be able to ask questions and understand what's going on. It's very important that she gets a chance to say good-bye to her father. Her mother may not be the best person to tell her. She is probably overwhelmed with her own grief and may not be able emotionally to be straightforward about it. Maybe a family member or compassionate nurse could be a help. Often the hospital chaplain is a great person to ask for help.

Tell her that hospice would be a big help. She has to choose which hospice carefully, though. I've been a hospice volunteer for years and its tragic the way its gone downhill since the big for-profit companies have taken over. Ask for the hospice chaplain and go for the hospice that has a chaplain that you like. Also ask for a hospice that is committed to after care for the family.

Death is a sad but powerful part of life. Deep emotion can serve to draw people together and strengthen the bonds of the heart if there is open communication and time for grieving. It's tragic when a death in the family causes people to drift apart and shut down their hearts. Gentle presence and compassionate listening really helps keep the heart open.

I pray your friend and her daughter have all the support they need to grow closer through this very hard time.

Explaining death to a child is not easy I will suggest for her to ask her pediatrian about a good psicharist that especializes in kids to help her thru this tough t imes that are coming about

I don't know if I can give any good advice. I can just tell you what I have learned from my own experience. I was 7 when my mother was killed in a car accident. The first thing I would say is don't let her see her father if he looks very ill, that will be the last image she will remember. I did not see my mother after the car accident due to my age, but my brother and sister did. They wished that they never saw her that way, that is how they remember her. The funeral for me was very real. I knew from that day on my life would be different. Going back to school for me was hard b/c kids are mean. I was made fun of b/c my mother was dead. Father's day will be the hardest, I always did Mr. Mom's day stuff for my dad. I get my dad a mother's day card every year. Group concealing was good b/c I got to be with other kids that were hurting as much as me. I was comfortable around those kids b/c they understood. Her daughter will need to find a way to cope. Don't force her to talk about it, she will talk when she is ready. Just let her know she can come to anyone she trusts to talk about it. Once she is ready talk about her dad with her. My family is uncomfortable talking about my mother and I hate it. I was young when she died and I can't get the people who knew her to talk about her. So when she is ready tell her about the good things her father has done. Talk about who he was. That will help her remember him. You just need to tell her and let her tell you how she needs help. Everyone handles death differently. She will hurt for a while, but it will get better. She will go up faster and be stronger from this. I hope this helped a little. I don't want to tell your friend how to handle her daughter I just want to share my story so that she can figure out how to handle it best. I wish them the best. I have made it 20 years with out my mother. Let her know she will never stop hurting, but it does get easier.

Be honest with her. Although you think that church or God may not be the answer let her know that what is going on with her father is a result of his not getting medical attention in time and not apunichment from God. Tell her that the most important thing now is to let her father know how much he is loved. Make this time for yourselves one of creating good memories. My family and I did and when my husband of 41 years, their Father and grandfather, died the pain and the grief was there but the wonderful memories we had created in his final days outweighed them. We miss him greatly but we still remember those times.

K.,

As a former home care nurse and mother of four, I would recommend that she contacts a hospice center and ask for thier advice. They have book recommendations and pamphlets regarding how to talk to kids about death in the family.

God Bless,

K.

There are social workers and therapists at the hospital who specialize in just such help. They can talk with the child and the mother, also. Just ask the nurse. S. B.

If church is not an option, I would go to the local library and check out some books on how to talk to your child about death. My son had a kid in his first grade class whose Dad died suddenly at 37 and I was glad our church has a library, so I know there are books, I happened to choose the religious ones, but there are many out there. The big thing I picked up is that kids do NOT understand the finality of death until a certain age, your friend's child is probably old enough though. The 2nd was use the real words and do not sugar coat. Words like died, dead, gone, in heaven, with Jesus but not "sleeping" resting, went a way....those only confuse children. Children are a lot more cut and dry and to avoid confusing them. I am so sorry for your friend. There is probably a therapist/counsel person at the school who can help and may have those books. Best of luck, you are being a great friend.
C. in Alpharetta