Dad Doing Bad Things with Kids Behind My Back

Was he involved in the rule making session, or were you the leader and he just sat there nodding to get it over with? You may want to sit down w/ him and have a joint meeting where he gets input too. What about for you? Does he have rules he would like you to follow?

FYI: telling the kids he can't fix anything is on the same level as saying you leave the car like a garbage can. And you don't know. The kids may have said it and he agreed.

He's gone 85% of the time. He's there 15%. You are there 100%. I'd let the numbers speak for themselves. Dad lets them watch an unsavory TV show now and then, and says mom is a slob with her car.... He's just bonding with the kids in his way with the little time that he has with them to make himself special and known to them.
You are doing a wonderful job and I doubt a few silly comments from Dad will change your children's opinion of you in the future. I'd reassess it if I were you and laugh at it rather than being mad about it. Seriously.

He won't change. If you can't afford therapy (insurance often covers it) or he won't go - I don't know what to tell you.

He doesn't respect you. Whether it's a new pattern or one that has been going on for years (seems like the latter) if he isn't willing to make an effort at change no matter how hard you try it will never be enough.

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rough but I have been in this place. We hit an extremely rough patch after being together for almost 20 years and sought counseling as a couple. It's draining, exhausting, completely trying and worth every painstaking moment. It wasn't anything the counselor said per se - but instead the tools he provided us to better communicate with each other. It is hard and I can't say things are perfect - we still have issues - but the biggest change i noticed is he actually LISTENS and tries to do better - and as a result - so do I.

Good luck...I know it's hard to find time/money but is your marriage worth it?

Good luck.

sounds like he is immature and self absorbed and not really "getting" the whole parenting thing. to throw it in there toboot, he also has no respect for you or your opinion. yet he's willing to lie to your face, over and over. what else is he lying about i wonder?

dangerous attitude for a marriage. i would tread carefully. decide now what are deal breakers because he sounds like the type that will keep doing exactly what he wants, no matter who he hurts. are you prepared to accept a lifetime of this for yourself, for your kids? sorry to be so negative. not to even mention, when he's on the road so much, what do you think he's doing out there? think he's being a "good, faithful husband"?

PS, let's all keep in mind ladies, the big picture. this isn't about whether her "rules" are okay or not, the real issue here is that he is paying lip service to agreeing, not even having the b***s to step up and say, "well honey i really don't see a problem with them watching a cartoon that includes lewd sexual material every ten seconds. can we talk about this?" no, instead he pretends to agree then goes behind her back. NOT okay.

my pet peeve is a LIAR. you can't trust anything they say. and this guy sounds like a gifted one. if it was me i'd be done.

By and large, women are superior, and it's really hard to change men.

These are two facts I have discovered.

I think, if you say, okay honey, you can "sneak" Family Guy while I'm not here, but you have to PROMISE you will never dis (diss?) me to the kids. It is HARMFUL to them to hear one parent talk badly about the other.

If you are a little less controlling about some of the small things, he will be less likely to act out. Another generalization I will make is that men tend to be passive-aggressive. So if they feel controlled in one area (Family Guy, for instance), they will manage to take it out on you somehow.

Sneaking Family Guy with dad can be a little bond they have. Actually, Family Guy is hilarious, and it really won't harm your kids. It will just give them a sense of humor. (Watch the episode where Peter thinks he's a genius but then finds out he's actually retarded. He has to wear water wings and starts drowning in his soup. It's one of my favorite episodes.)

(p.s. I allowed my kids to watch Family Guy and they got straight A's in school.)

And sneaking a tv show is hardly a crime. My god people, lighten up. If sneaking a tv show with dad is the worst thing that happens in a family, then you are guaranteed to have a wonderful family life. Watch The Brady Bunch. I'm sure there was an episode where they snuck a tv show with dad or some other small thing that mom didn't like.

You don't have a husband but an overgrown child. Is his OCD diagnoised or is it just an excuse for him to be abusive and disrespectfull? To me it sounds like there is more going on here than OCD, he needs to be treated and medicated. Contact Social Services and see if you can qualify for medical assistance. The also may offer free counseling or know of a free clinic in your area. I am not a big proponet of medicine but for the mentally ill it is a necessity. You say he is gone a lot and his income allows for you to stay home with the kids, so why no insurance? If his job does not offer benefits, you need to get a job that does. You need to have medical, dental and vision insurance. Also having a job will get you out of the house and the chance to have some friends who can act as a buffer against his delusions.
I see a lot of red flags here, this is a lot like Stockholm Syndrom. He has you convinced that he 'saved' you from yourself. You are a 'slob' in HIS opinion. You are falling so far into his delusions that it concerns me. What you don't see is you are the glue that is holding your family together. You both need counseling so you can see what he is doing to you.
As far as the cable goes instead of cutting off the cable I would block channels or indivual shows. Your cable company should be able to tell you how to do it.

A....

My answers are going to go back to natural consequences for actions unsavory.

I would cut the cable before he comes back home. When he turns on the tv and asks what is going on, I would remind him that you are worried about what the kids are watching and that as a money saving move, you decided to cut the cable. There are plenty of movies you can rent, borrow from the library, etc. Keep this up for a long period of time, maybe permanently, to quietly and respectfully make your point.

The next time your husband corrects you during "storytime", smile sweetly at him and say "honey, you tell the story. I know how important getting the details correct are to you" and then REFUSE to finish the story. Stand up and go to the bathroom if you need to, or simply change the subject and ask someone there a question to get THEM to start talking so that the pressure is off you.

I have to say it is probably a good thing that he is there only 15% of the time, it certainly makes it easier for you to parent consistently. Trust me when I say that your friends all know how he is and it is probably equally annoying to them when he interrupts you during a story. I think it is noble of you NOT to be tempted to say negative things to your kids about him. You sound like a wonderful mother, wonderful wife albeit a bit mentally abused. This guy sounds like he needs a reality check. Tell him that by cancelling the cable, you are using that money for counselling to try to figure out how to deal with some "trust" issues in your life. If he questions you, tell him in clear, concise terms exactly what you think, without attacking him personally. If he doesn't get it, he really is a clod!

To the poster Page who thinks that letting your kids watch "Family Guy" is okay...The issue is not whether or not the show is appropriate for children to watch, the issue is that this mother specifically asked her husband NOT to allow their children to watch it. What this father did was undermine her authority with her children and in my book, that is a BIG NO-NO. It is hard enough to raise kids, it is all that more difficult when one parent undermines another. Definitely NOT cool in my book!

Good luck dear!

I will tell you I have been married for almost 30 years. These things you are speaking about, in my world are not that big of a deal. They are typical things all married people feel get on their last nerves after a while. You cannot change someone (I promise). You cannot control them

He is a dad, He is a man. They do things differently than we do.
He agrees to your rules, so you will drop the subject. He does not want a mom to tell him what to do. You can say you "prefer that".. but this does not mean he will always follow it. Give him credit as a parent.

Also you are trying to paint this perfect picture of their father and he is not perfect. Children need to see that no one is perfect. That their mother is not shutting her eyes to the fact that dad has some faults, not huge, but she loves him enough to deal with it.

You coming unglued by his comments, that to me are not a big deal in front of the children, it is something you need to go to therapy by yourself and work out. Why on earth do you take it so personally? He is not saying your mother is a looser and is lazy. He is just venting. You are a family and are allowed to grouse a little bit. Kids need to see parents still love each other. You are not living a "Leave it to beaver life". That was make believe. You are living an everyday life where everybody is an individual.

It is hard to have all of these little rules by one person and then have another person bring in their version pf parenting, but that is part of being a family.

When he says you treat the car badly.. So what? Let the kids know the next time he says that, that moms says "you should clean it up as a nice surprise for her. "

If he wants to watch family guy, encourage the KIDS to go play in another room, because, YOU do not think it is a good show for THEM.

Take a breath and look at what is the deep down reason you have let this all get to you. I am going to guess, you do not feel appreciated enough by your husband because he chooses to do things his way instead of yours.
But I am sure he does like the way you are handling everything and is just clueless (and always will be) as to how to let you know that just because he does not do things you way, does not mean he is not proud and grateful for all you do for the family.

You do have your hands full with him. He is not respecting you and I'm glad you vented to us.

I have to ask. Is there any room for him to disagree? If he had said, "I don't think Family Guy is so bad" and we should let them watch."....... how would you have responded? Is there room for discussion? That said, there is no excuse for your husband not standing up for himself if he disagrees with you so that you can come to agreements together. This behind your back stuff is a complete lack of respect.

Buy the "Love and Logic" books for child rearing, and use it on your husband is what I suggest. It goes along with the other poster that talked about natural consequences and I think it will help you let go of your anger.

You say you went over these things lots of times and made them rules, but honestly, it sounds like you were the rule setter and he just went along with you to make you happy. I do agree that family guy is not for kids and we don't let our son watch it either, but if you are always watching him like a hawk what he's doing wrong, then for some reason it is quite tempting to go against your will.

My mother was like this and my dad was like your husband and I honestly think if she weren't so uptight in some of her silly rules then he would not have been disrespectful to her. I'm not condoning it, but sometimes we need to change us, before the other one will change. It is not just your house to set ground rules and you need to ask him if he truley does agree with you on these rules, or if he is just saying ok, to make you happy and get off his back.

AGAIN! HARD AND FAST RULE-WE DON'T TALK EACH OTHER DOWN!!! Yet you mention more than once in here he is a kook. Isn't that talking him down?

I'm sorry you are in this place. If he's gone 85% of the time, is what he's doing "Disney" parenting? The path of least resistance? Being the fun-time dad because he's gone so much?

If you divorced, he'd still do what he wanted. It sounds like there's two related things going on - an overall disrespect for you and a lack of real parenting. Do you think he's doing these things as a dig to you?

I know you said you don't have time for or money for therapy, but I guess that leaves you with dealing with it on your own, which isn't working well, either. Does he have an EAP through work? Could you call them for advice?

I agree with Charlotte~! GET RID OF THE CABLE COMPLETELY!

We don't get any tv channels. I take the kids to the library and let them pick out movies to bring home to watch. (On the plus side, this helps limit tv time!)

And if you aren't attending a church, maybe you should! You will find lots of great support there. We attend a non-denominational church and love it. I joined a couple womens bible studies and really got to know some of the ladies! (There was even free child care during the bible study.)

And ask the Pastor about counseling. I think most don't charge!

This is a matter of respect. It is NOT ok for him to talk you down to the kids. When he says to the kids that it's ok to watch something because you are not there, something that they know you have said not to watch -- all that does is teach them that mommy's rules don't have to be followed when she is not around. Take that one step further and he is teaching them that they don't have to obey the rules when the person enforcing them is not around. I'm pretty sure that isn't a lesson he wants to be teaching your kids.
When he lessen's you in the kids eyes he is teaching them that you are not important, that you don't deserve respect. You mention that he corrects you in public, that you've talked about it, even made rules about it but he still does it. That says to me that he thinks he is smarter than you, knows better than you, and doesn't respect your feelings. The only way to stop it is to call him on this behavior EVERY time he does it. Be respectful when you do. Talk about it with him and tell him that you will not be disrespected by him any more. Make some phrases that you know you can say to him when he starts to do it. Something like, "respect, please honey..." Or, when he cuts you off when telling a story, say something like "8:00, 8:05... whatever..." People hearing the story are probably very annoyed by his behavior too.
I'm guessing here, but this may be a totally unconcious behavior that he picked up from the way his father treats his mother.
And you are right,Therapy won't solve anything unless you are willing to be very honest with the therapist.
Good luck to you!

I have no advice, just to commiserate with you. I'm in the same boat.
My honey and I like the hip hop radio station. But I don't want the kids to hear those lyrics. I can just see them bustin out with some of those lyrics in church or at school! He respects that when I'm in the car. But when I'm not in the car, it's hip hop and it's up full blast! I know because times after they've come home I was the next person to get in the car and when I turned the key I about got blasted out of my seat! I've tried explaining why I feel the way I do and I've even removed the radio presets for those channels. He's going to do what he's going to do. And the worse part is he makes me the bad guy. - We can't listen to your favorite song cuz mom doesn't like it! so annoying.

My 23 yr old watches that show and I continually ask myself where I went wrong. A good father leads and protects-and wouldn't dream of letting small children watch anything inappropriate nor would he undermine the mother of his children. It is because he travels much of the time, that he should treasure the children and you when he is home. Character assassination and name calling are deplorable and debasing you is way out of bounds. Highlight your letter, right click on it and print it and show it to him-hand him my opinion while you're at it-and see what he says. Good luck.

Wow....Thats a long time to be gone 85%.

Lets brake it down

Family Guy is horrible- ---- Put a block on that channel with the password he does not know.

Bottles in the car----- If it bothers him , have him help out by picking them up instead of complaining, put that OCD to good use.

Correcting you in front of others , correcting you at ALL----Tell him to finish the Story himself, or do it back to him so he knows how belittling it is to do that.

I would stop calling things he does RULES. We all do not like it as adults to have our partner throw rules in our face.And it seems like a discussion you would have with a child. A great way to communicate is compromise. My husband and I talk about how to improve our relationship.
Honey can you put your dirty sock in the hamper and I will not leave my makeup on the counter. It works! He hates when I leave my junk around but never noticed he does the same things! Its a compromise!
I always talk nice about my husband, never put downs. My husband talks nice about me also. Your husband should talk nice about you also. But you did give him a dig. "Your father doesn't know how to fix anything." does not matter if its true or not its a dig. Leaving bottles in the car is the same kind of dig when he told your daughter "you treat the car like a garbage can" same thing. It works both ways. And really if this is the only thing he has said .....you are in good shape. These are so small that I probably would pick not pick this to battle over.

I would however have a HUGE problem with him correcting me. Thats a firm STOP DOING THAT WHEN I AM TALKING,,,,,,IT S RUDE AND I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.. If he continues doing that , I would have to teach him a lesson. I would do it back ten fold every time he spoke. No matter what he said I would do back for one full day. He will get mad but he will get the lesson.

Good luck and with a little tweaking you guys are on the right path!

Sounds like you need to have a serious sit down discussion and come to real understandings.

Family Guy? Totally inappropriate. Sounds to me like HE wanted to watch it...so there go the rules.

Try to sit down with him when the kids are asleep and talk about how you are feeling. Agreeing with you, then doing whatever (not honoring what he says he will do) is disrespectful. My husband used to do this too, but he understands that I'd rather he argued with me than say "Sure, OK" and not mean it.