Fun Daddy vs Caretaker Mama

My TV is on too. I enjoy watching it and kids should be playing in their room or with their toys. The parents are not their playmates 100% of the time.

That said. You need to go out of town for a few days and when you come back you might think about getting a part time job working in the evenings. Hubby has everything he wants because I bet you rescue him and he doesn't have to do anything because he knows of he leaves it long enough you will do it.

This is the only way hubby is going to stand up and help out. He may not do it anyway and you'll come home to a messy house and a child that doesn't smell as nice as he could but at least hubby will have a better idea of what needs to be done.

You said he gets defensive about it if you talk to him about these issues, so maybe instead of talk just don't let him wiggle out of doing bath, carseat, meal serving, etc. I'm not trying to sound like it's so simple, but what happens if you just stop, look at him and say something like "no, you put him in the carseat....why can't you?" Sounds to me like he just is lacking some confidence in his ability to do things right (the caretaking things that is.) The more he HAS to do them, the more seasoned he will feel at them. I say give him no option about doing some of these things and when he is doing bath, for example, go far far away and make sure he knows it. He probably won't do well thinking your near and watching how he does it. I would also consider checking out for the day and giving hubby the whole day with your son so he is forced to practice some of his daddy skills. Have a serious chat with him and let him know that he can't just wait for you to get home that your son NEEDS to be in bed. Don't give too much advice or suggestions on the little details, but make sure he knows you completely expect the bare minimum be done.

I'm sorry you're in this position. We're really not, thank god. My husband, when he is home does more caretaking tasks than I do because I've been doing them all day. I think it comes through practice and getting comfortable with it.

I think in order for him to step up, you need to step back. He is used to this way of functioning.

No suggestions on the TV issue - sounds like a different issue to me. :/

You do not need counseling; your husband needs a kick in the pants. And all these women who are on your case are doormats themselves. Seriously, though, I think you need to sit down and tell your husband what you just told us - that you feel like caretaker and he gets to be the fun one. Don't let him get away with the "you do it better" excuse. It is a role issue and it is also a workload issue. Parenting is 24/7; his work is not. He doesn't get to just play when he gets home unless you get to play, too. Another thing to point out is the example he is setting for his son. He is teaching your son that the women do all the work and the men just show up for the fun. If your husband actually feels this is how it ought to be, then you might really need counseling. But it sounds like he's just lazy - as most husbands are. I do agree with the suggestions on encouragement. It's very important not to criticize the way he does things (with the exception of the TV - that one I would set a daily limit for your son) unless its critical. Puts on an unmatching outfit? Let it go. Forgets to wash hair? Gently remind him. Just talk to him and stand your ground as nicely as possible - but stand your ground. Remaining calm and open is the key to successful communication. Be open to any suggestions he has even if it's not the way you would do things, but don't let him cop out.

Know you are not alone! My solution has been to let it go,literally, I do EVERYTHING for my little ones. The rule in my house has always been no more than 1 hr of TV a day (30 min of this is at the sitters to wind down before they come home) and my 18 y/o now thanks me. It’s a cycle that we often repeat because we were raised different therefore our perspectives are different. When it starts to bother me I try to take a step back and look at the bigger picture to put myself in check. If he is a good husband/ father than you’ll be ok. Good Luck

okay, here we go: you say he's a great husband & an even better Dad.

Then, WHY are you complaining? You've listed so many things which you are unhappy about.....how can you even begin to believe that life is right?

You don't want counseling....soooo, basically, that means YOU just want life to go the way you want it. You want all rules to be your rules. You want all activities to be done in your way. & you are confronting your "great husband" if he doesn't follow your plan of action.

How is this a partnership? How did this all end up being ALL his fault?

I truly believe that most of your points are valid. BUT they are YOUR points, not his. Maybe he's backing further & further out of the relationship....simply because he cannot live up to your expectations! Your accusations & open dissatisfaction with his choices are creating a Well of Hell that he cannot escape.....

Since you don't want counseling & you want just ideas/help from us, my only thought at this point would be: appreciate what you have, back off your demands, & maybe that tv wouldn't be turned on so much. AND as for that tv, many people live on it.....or their computers. It's the death of many generations.....& your husband is not the only one.

Whoops....one more thought: did your DH watch tv prior to becoming a dad? Was this hobby/need present all along? It may just be a natural part of him.....Peace.

Hubby was the same way.
Helped 15% of the time. Now it's up to 25%.
I give up. I think most men don't help as much anyway from what I've seen with my friends.
I would figure out what few things you'd like help with: bath, bedtime, occupying him while you cook, bathe etc.
Then figure out how your hubby works: better to tell him as you need it "Honey can you give him a bath tonight?" or is it better to lay it out ahead of time "Honey, do you think you can help me w/the bathing of the kids 3 times a week?".
Use as few words as possible. Try to get your point across in about 5 words as the guys lose interest, tune out and things get "lost in translation".
My hubby is a good dad & decent partner but I swear they are oblivious &
sometimes selfish.
Don't expect the moon (help 50% of the time) and you won't get let down.
I know a lot of hubbies on here help more than that but not all men were created equal. :)
Work "with what you have". Learn how to best deal w/hubby and appeal to him how "he works".
Things will most likely get better when the kids are older & are more self sufficien.
Oh and watch how you phrase things. My hubby said I criticized how he did things so I watch that now. Sometimes I just have to walk away if he's not doing it like I would.
Take a deep breath and good luck! :)

You mention that your husband says that you do it better. Don't let him use that as an excuse! If he's not as comfortable doing something...show him. Tell him that you're glad he thinks you're doing a great job, but you really need his help. Have him "watch" how you do whatever it is he refuses to do. And when he does do it, try not to force "your way" on him too much.

And don't let him "worm his way out" either. If your son needs to go to bed, tell your husband he needs to put him to bed. (Does your son have a set bedtime? My hubbie "needs" to have the time/schedule repeatedly drilled into his head).

As far as the tv, I'm surprised you "let" your hubby watch tv at all! Our rule that we agreed on was that he could watch tv AFTER our girls went to bed. Our daughter does watch a little tv after dinner, but there is no 'daddy' tv time until all the kid stuff is done. Also, have you tried giving suggestions for activities for the 2 of them? I know my hubby just doesn't know what else to do with the kiddos.

Here's what I think: You do ALL of the parenting...therefore, you should get to make ALL of the rules - including how much TV your son watches. If you don't want him to watch more than 30 minutes/day, then I think your husband should respect your wishes. He'd have more time to help if he wasn't watching TV all the time. Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice on how to talk to him without him getting defensive.......but maybe you could start by suggesting that the family rule be keeping the TV off until your son is in bed? And not turning it on Sunday morning until after breakfast/bath?
My husband likes to "play" more than help, too...but he works a LOT so I really don't mind if I have to do more around the house with the kids. However, I do worry that if something were to happen to me, that he'd have no idea what to do with the kids! If I ask him to get one of the kids dressed, he says, "Where are the clothes?" or if I ask him to make a PB&J sandwich, he asks me, "Where is the PB & jelly?" oh brother.
On a positive note, he does respect my wishes about TV time.
Anyway, good luck with everything! I really hope that it works out for you!

Well, we don't own a tv so that problem doesn't exist, but the rest? Yea...

I used to be really good at suggesting how my husband should do things when it came to the kids.... Really good... Hubby saw these suggestions as an attack on his parenting style... kinda like how I had suggestions for the kids...

I started only suggesting things if they were life threating, and he started to help out more... Slowly... I also suggested that he take one of the kids with him every time he needed to hit lowes or some other store too... Bonding and all that...

Well, take it from me. My husband is almost never home and my kids almost never bathe. There. I said it. Baths are hard and if I can't smell my kids or see any dirt on them, who need the hassle? Thank god for the lack of sweat glands in little kids (I do bathe them more in summer, but for heaven sake, not every day). I like to think I'm preserving their precious natural self moisturizing skin mechanisms.

And as for everything else, I do it all the time. All of it. When their dad is home. He likes to watch too much TV. So I draw the line and give him tasks to do that leave very little TV time. Your husband's schedule may not accomodate this, but take a similar approach:

The same way men don't just "know what needs doing" but they'll follow a list just fine-tell him what to do. Be fair about it. Give them specific activities and games to do but ALSO make a couple of nights per week TV only, or break it up like; 1 hour building with legos then one hour watching tv. Better yet is sending them out. I send my hubs to the grocery store with the kids to bond. It accomplishes the errand, the bonding and the TV removal all in one shot. Send them to the library, the hardware store, wherever. Or I give them yard work to do (he rakes leaves while kids toddle around). Get creative. Left to his own devices, he will not "think of activities to do".

You're right on two counts: He's lazy AND he'll feel like a bad dad if you criticize him (he'll get defensive anyway, actually he'll think he's a great dad). SO don't criticize him. Clear a nice inviting space for the legos or some books, hand him a cold beer and tell him to play until 8:30 before turning the TV on. Offer your husband some rewards for being so great and playing, favorite meals, favors ;) etc.

Are you a SAHM mom? My philosophy is that if dad pays the bills and works away from home and I don't, he doesn't need to split the care taking stuff with me (He chips in if I need it, but that's rare). All the SAHMs I know do all the napping and care taking while their husbands just chill when they're home from work. It seems to work since we're better at those things anyway. However if you are also working, you do need to split it up. Figure out what's fair, make him lists, don't get mad, just be fair. If he's a great guy and a great dad, he should work with you.
(although not putting him in his car seat is a little wacko--are you sure he's not a little worse than what you're saying? if not then just be more clear and take more charge-TELL HIM to put the child in the car seat-that's borderline unchivalrous not to help you lift something heavy)

Another thing to keep in mind: If all your husband likes to do at home is watch TV, chances are, that's who he's always been. It's rare that a totally industrious, motivated, creative, restless, hungry for knowledge, teacher at heart, hands-on explorer, ravenous-reader-workaholic SUDDENLY has no interests in his spare time when a child is born. Chances are, YOU'RE stepping up and seeing what's best for your child, but your husband is still just a nice dude who likes to chill. This is normal for lots of dads who are still just dudes. Therefore, grow you cajones and make some lists and enforce. Lots of women have to! Myself included. And sorry if this was off base.

When our oldest was younger, my husband tended to do that as well. Very frustrating. I started taking advantage of situations where I really couldn't be in two places at once and gave hiim the choice, "Do you want to finish loading the dishwasher or change the diaper?" "Could you get him out of his carseat while I start dinner?" "Do you want to fold the laundry or start the bath?"

We now have two kids, I work full-time as well, and I definitely do more of the childcare tasts, but now it's more like 60-40, rather than 95-5. (Ok, maybe I'm exagerating)

Take advantage of those times when he can see that you really do need him. Make sure you say thank you ... always, and try not to let it get to you. He probably didn't see his own father doing too many of those tasks, and he really might be insecure. Try to make sure you just let him do it his way an don't criticize the way he does things. Remember, you're a team!!! Make sure he doesn't see you as the managaer, but a teammate. Just keep working on it. Hang in there.

I would just try reminding him that you really appreciate his help and all that he does already, AND there are some areas where you need him to step it up a little - specifically tell him about getting him in and out of the car seat, and getting him down for naps and bedtime at a reasonable hour. It may be that, for some reason, he's not comfortable with it if you do it all the time, or he's just become more complacent. As for other things, like TV viewing, honestly I would lighten up a little. You can't be in control of everything, and maybe to some degree, your husband is rebelling against you and your rules. Hubby might be feeling like he might as well not even try if you are going to take over anyway, or can't just let him do things his way. Ask yourself, if he does what he does already, if nitpicking about something like TV viewing is really worth it. And if you can arrange to spend a weekend away out of town, it might do you both some good...you'll get a break, and get some practice not being in control the entire time. And he'll have no choice but to fix him more than 1 meal and get him down for sleep.

About your last paragraph, Timberose: if you don't feel that the issues you discuss here are not serious enough to see a therapist, what point will it have to get to as your son grows older that WILL merit seeing a therapist?

There is a pattern here that you would be smart not to ignore. Your husband is not acting like a grown up - he's acting like a "buddy" to your son. Not putting him into his carseat? Not putting him down for naps? Wanting to watch multiple hours of TV?

You will just have more and more of this as your son gets older. If my husband had ever told me that I had to change my schedule to feed my kids or put them down for naps, he would not have gotten what he wanted from me. And I would have let him have it - it would have been world war III in my house. My husband found joy in handling EVERY aspect of taking care of our kids. Life is not just about the fun stuff.

Please re-think taking him to a counselor about this. You'll wish you had as time goes on and he gets worse about this.

Good luck,
Dawn