Dad and Stepmom - Not Supporting Mom

When my parents were divorced the older I became the less time, I spent at my main house (with my mom) so even less time with my dad and his wife at their home on the weekends.

I was in many clubs, ran track, I worked on the weekends and I was going to games, shows and school events all of the time.

My friends all lived near my moms house and my school. My father and stepmother lived across town. I tried to go over about once a month to my dads house, but he was never willing to attend any of my school stuff. It made it hard and I know it hurt his feelings, but I had a lot going on at that time.

Do you live close to your daughter and her school? Can you attend her school activities, even if it is not your scheduled times? Do you volunteer at her school? Do you invite her and her friends over to your house to hang out on the weekends? These could be ways to still see her, but allow her to still be with her friends and be able to participate in all of her school activities. I promise, even if she lived with you, she would not be at home as often as when she was younger. Once she begins driving, it will be even less..

These scheduled things they are scheduling, are these things you can attend instead of dad and the stepmother? Try to be a problem solver. Also be honest with your daughter, without making her feel guilty. Tell her you miss her, but also understand she is busy. Offer suggestions on how you can get together and always welcome her friends to join or come along with her..

I totally understand where you're coming from, we're starting with that and my stepdaughter is only 9!

Right now she's in activities and she has competitions and games on the weekends. She also has birthday parties and other fun stuff going on. She gets pulled in a million different directions because mom, dad, grandma, grandma, grandpa, grandpa, aunts, etc. ALL want to spend time with her! She's a lucky kid to have so many people love her but I don't envy her situation. She's been told she has to skip a birthday party or miss a competition because one of her family members wants to spend time with her. Now I understand that family is important but try to tell a 9-year old that she can't go to her friend's birthday party and instead has to go hang out with her grown-up family member!

Hopefully you can start going to her scheduled activities. It may not be that they are purposely scheduling them during your allotted time (or maybe they are, I don't know them) but that's just when her competitions and friend events are happening.

Can you schedule time with her instead of just expecting to see her on your weekend? Call her up and tell her what you have planned and both of you work to pick a day that works for you. She loves you, and I know in the whirlwind of friends and activities it's easy to forget your parents. She will be thankful that you took the time to be with her.

Good luck! It's not easy!

Could it possibly change to every other weekend and maybe one weeknight where you take her out for dinner or pick her up and grab a bite out? It is very true that everything pulls kids a million directions. When I was in high school I was working, lettering, socializing and oh yeah....studying;) As far as your daughter wanting to stay "home" on the weekends...don't take it personally, it would be hard for anyone to live in two places all the time. Imagine if every single weekend you had to pack and stay out of your weekday home, pretty jarring for anyone. Having said that I do agree that you need time with your daughter, I mean you are her mom! So maybe if it wasn't quite as often but more consistent everyone would be happier. I do believe that even though you do not get the time you want and need that you can still have a great relationship in the future. I have a friend who was in boarding school as a teen but has a great relationship with her parents today. So even if it doesn't get much better, it can still all work out in the end. Hang in there and I really hope you guys find a solution that works for everyone!!

I am the step mom in my situation. My step daughter lives with us and chose to live with us, full time. Her mom live about an hr away (always has) and it's often hard to get step-daughter to visit her mom. I really believe that it's mostly an age thing. They want to spend their time with their friends, doing the things they want to do. My sd is in cheer, etc and there are things scheduled on her moms weekend, this is out of our control. I also quite scheduling my life around my sd's visitation because quite frankly it gets old and life will not always be scheduled around her.

I've seen it with my niece and nephew as well. Do you live close to them? Could you take her to the things it is she's wanting to do?

I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to say I know exactly what your going through. When my oldest (19) turned 15 he started coming less and less, by 16 he didn't come at all. My son is a great kid, no drinking, smoking, drugs etc. He has become more and more busy the older he gets. The summer before he turned 16, his dad got him involved in stock car racing, that is his life now and he has moved up two classes and loves it. So I see my son maybe once a year now, and usually that's at Christmas. It's hard on me but I know that he's in college and doing well, so I am content with that.

Your daughter is allowed to have activities during "your time" but you should be the one taking her etc. She's growing up now and expects to do these things. They should be checking with you but either way, you should show up and then work out her social calendar.

you have to talk toto your ex and your daughter together some day during the week when everyone has time to discuss good luck A. no hills

Hi L.,

My response supports most of the responses you have already. When my daughter became a teenager she resisted her time going to her dad's house because she wanted to be with friends. I left it up to them to arrange, anytime they wanted that worked our for the both of them. He lived 30 miles away, pretty much didn't come down even for a dinner mid-week let alone for sleeping over, when he did he was 30-1/1/2 hours late. My daughter was hurt. Between the ages of 14 and 18 he probably saw her on average of 6 times a year. He didn't go to school events either which hurt her as well.

Good luck with your decisions, it is obvious you love her very much and don't want to miss her maturing process during these years.

Wendy