So let me first give background on my relationship with my biological father. He was never around much, and for about 5 years before my DBF started seeing each other, he never even contacted me for birthdays or holidays. In fact I spent my first holiday in years with them right before we started dating the following February. As a Christmas Present, the whole family went on a ski trip to Colorado, guess who was not invited, but it was announced in front of me. I was told "well we thought you would be too busy working".
Anyways, now that I have an 8mth old DD, they want to be "grandparents of the year"! I am from Louisiana and we celebrate Mardi Gras. In fact many businesses are closed for this "holiday". Being a nurse, there is no holiday, and I was working. My dad called me to see if they could keep my DD for the day (Tuesday) and go to the parade where my grandfather would have his RV set up along the parade route. My DBF and I dont like her going over there alone, because we feel like they just want to show off and they dont even really care about/"know" us. Anyways, my DD is cutting her top two teeth. Our sitter said she was quite grumpy and not herself on monday and she had been not quite herself the entire weekend. We had gone to a few parades, and she was okay, but the parade Sunday she was very cranky and grumpy we ended up leaving before it was over. My dad contacted me and on my way home from work Monday night and I told him I was not sure. I said that DD had been very cranky and grumpy and I thought she would be miserable at the parade; so if they had planned to go to the parade, they could not get her and we could plan another day. Well he got very sad and child like on the phone and said "so you mean I cant have her". As if I had taken away a toy or something...anyways I told him that if they were going to the parade, then no they could not have her. He said they would stay home with her and not go to the parade then if that would be okay. I told him I guess that would be okay, but to be forewarned that she was very cranky and not herself. He said that was fine. I told him I would talk it over with DBF and let him know after I got home. We agreed that as much as we didnt like it, if they kept her home, it should be fine. So I contacted him and told him I would meet him in my parking garage before work.
Tuesday morning came and I packed her bags and bottles with a bottle of ready-made formula. I met my dad and told him that this specific jar of baby food was for breakfast and to warm it blah blah blah. We changed her diaper and I got her loaded and on her way. He texted me and said she was eating cheerios and then went back to sleep. All sounded well until my step mom texted about 2pm to ask when the last time DD had pooped. I told her it was the day before, and why was she asking. She said DD had lots of gas and seemed to be fussy. I told her DD is a gassy child and should be fine. DD is probably fussy b/c her teeth hurt and to give her Motrin. Well about 30 mins later Stepmom texted and said they were headed to my grandfathers rv at the parade. I was too busy at work to let the words sink in. Then at about 3pm STM (StepMom) texted and said that DD had pooped and described it as hard and smelly. I told her everything was okay and thats the norm.
When my DBF(darling boyfriend) picked DD up at the parade, my dad and stm informed him that DD had been constipated and everytime they pressed on her stomach she cried. DBF said they were very adamant about DD being constipated and how much better she was after the hard poop (which was described in even more detail to him). They also told him she had not had any formula all day, only juice and only ate about 1 jar of baby food.
Typing all this is making me furious again. I have an email typed up about how hurt I was that they ignored my instructions and just decided to do whatever they wanted despite what I said. DBF and I have already decided they will not keep her again for a while, and have made other arrangements for care on days we had prearranged with them. I feel like this was a direct disregard and disrespect of my role and authority as DD parent. I guess I want to know if my feelings are warranted. Do I have a right to be upset? Should I let them keep her again? I am also concerned that DD did not get enough nutrition and how did they justify that? I need mommy advice! I already have my mom's advice.
Thanks everyone. I have not sent the email knowing I would say things in it I did not mean. I think I am most upset that they did what they wanted to do no matter what I said.
For those who think I am over-reacting, let me say that my father had very little to no hand in raising me and when we have addressed that subject in counseling before, he told me that he was trying to make up for it with my 2 younger sisters. My mother even told me tonight that he would do things like this, and then she would have to call and tell him or his family that she would bring me over Christmas Day. They just never called. I remember crying for my dad, and the look of desperation on my mom's face, like I wish he would come too.
I received a "DADDY" the day my mom married my stepdad whom I call "DAD" and will always consider my "daddy". He was there for the the homework, and the tears, and the sleepless sick nights.
My "father" is not someone I know much about or really trust. So I think a lot of my issues come with feeling like I am sending my child with a stranger b/c I feel like she needs to know her grandfather. I do not think they will treat her any different than they treated me. Sadly, I see them losing contact with us as soon as she is mobile and a "handful".
Thanks everyone for the advice. I talked to my mom again tonight who said to wait to send the email and make sure I say what I mean. I need to tell them before next weekend b/c we have concert tickets for Saturday 19th and have already made other arrangements for DD to stay with my cousin who lives close by and could come stay at our house if we needed. I will keep everyone updated if there is drama.
I'm kind of in the middle with this O.. First of all--NO 8 month old is going to "enjoy" a parade!
Secondly, when it comes to babies--EVERYONE has an opinion.
And they don't hesitate to give them...frequently.
Now, what you do is up to you. I certainly don't feel you daughter was in *danger* but I know that kids need to stick to a routine.
Just tell them how you feel. No fighting. Just facts.
Yes, I would be upset too. You were only thinking of what would be best for your daughter and your father ignored your request to keep her home where she might be more comfortable. Perhaps all the noise/excitement wasn't a good idea for a baby that was already not in the best form?
Has there been a conversation between you and dad that went something like "Dad, I thought I made it clear when you asked that I didn't want DD to go to the parade. She wasn't in the best spirits and I said it was only OK for you to take her if you were staying home. Why did you take her to the parade when I asked you not to and how am I supposed to trust you with her after this? How do I know that you won't go against my wishes again? I'm sorry, but you won't be able to take her until I feel that my wishes will be respected." Period, end of story. I wouldn't stress over not allowing them to take your daughter in the future.
Well I guess I am going to be outkasted on this one but I think that you are over reacting a bit. Sometimes with grandparents they think that they know everything about your child and tend to forget its not their child.....the roles often get reversed. Meaning you are still their child and they do what they think would have been best because they have been through it and because they are still your parents.....does that make sense?
It doesn't make it right though let me at least say that. You gave them specific instructions and they went against it......they thought she was constipated so they didn't want to feed her anything else? She could be constipated from all the teething-I know one of my twins always got constipated whereas the other would get the runs......You need to make a decision here. Was your child in immediate danger with them? Was your child neglected? Also remember that they knew better than you in what was going on with your child because they have been through it more than likely (being said sarcastically ;()) ....but I agree instead of trying to diagnose themselves they needed to listen to mom-sometimes mom knows more than a doctor ever could. You are with her pretty much 24-7 so obviously you know your child and that should have been respected. I think you might be making it a bigger deal than what it is though because of your feelings towards them in the first place....it sounds like there are some "issues" that need to be worked out. If you can't get past all the under layers then it is almost impossible to move forward in a healthy manner and it will become a constant battle between you and them of "You disrespected me" and them feeling like you are trying to control them or demand them to do certain things and just being nit picky with them. There has to be an equal balance of respect here. They need to respect the fact that at the end of the day you are her mother-not anyone else. However I think you might be giving them a little more of a harder time because of some other underlying issues it seems-I could be totally wrong on this one. You are still fairly a new mom too. I understand that and did exactly the same thing. I wanted things done a certain way and when someone didn't do it I would get very upset-plus I am OCD so sometimes I really can't help it. I think what helped me out is asking myself were my daughters at risk for getting hurt or something. Were they being neglected? Things may not have been done the way I wanted but overall they both were being cared for and happy. It was just "me" and it took awhile to get over that and sometimes there are still certain things that really irate me but I just have to shrug it off.
However them taking her to the parade.....what was the sole purpose of you not wanting her to go? If she is cranky then they were the ones to have to deal with it and obviously they were willing to take that chance right? If she was running a fever, and showed signs she was ill not feeling well then that may have been a different scenario there but we are talking about a teething baby here-and she is a baby. They get fussy-they cry and its inevitable but they were the ones to ask if they could spend time with their grand-daughter and were ready to take on the challenge.....give them the benefit of the doubt. If they don't want to deal with a screaming baby then they won't ask to spend time with her. I know the whole "grandparent of the year" award I got some of those too but overall they are very good to my children and as long as your honest with them and tell them up front you were offended, hurt and felt like they had disrespected you then you might just see a change take place within them-if you don't say anything to them and just guard your daughter against them they aren't ever going to know and then you will have a whole other can of worms to deal with. With it being your side of the family too it should come a little easier to be more outspoken about this-mine is on the other side and there have been times I have told my husband you need to tell your parents/mom such and such .....at least you aren't in that predicament....lol!
I think your hurt feelings are justified. Also I think you have some valid safety concerns. It is so hard to be in the situation and have perspective, but as an outsider I think number one you have done the best thing in making arrangements for her care going forward. Number two, do write that letter but don't send it YET. Wait about two weeks and read it again, evaluate how much you want to put out there, and how much was venting and hurt. Also think about what you want out of the relationship, and set it up accordingly. Personally I do not leave my children with anyone who does not value my role as the parent. I think it goes beyond disrespect, it is just not safe. If they can't be trusted with keeping their word in this situation then you can reasonably expect that any other childcare guidelines you expect will not also be honored if they don't value them. So maybe you want to be open to visiting them but not depend on them for childcare. Good luck, it is hard to find out that your child experienced challenges that were totally avoidable.
My nephew's girlfriend is someone I won't leave my DD with until DD is older. The nephew and GF have a 1yr old and while I like the kid and I overall like the GF, I don't like some of the choices she makes for her child - things she allows the child to eat or play with. I feel that until it doesn't matter so much, it is better for the girls to get together under my care (or our joint care) than it is for her to have my DD alone. Make sense? There are things that matter too much TO ME. On the other hand, if our SAHD friend watches her and he feeds the kids just about anything but what I specify she can't have, and they play with dirt and might take a walk to the store, I don't care. I don't schedule his day, but I do trust that he won't do anything I really don't want DD exposed to or fed.
I would tell them that since they didn't feed her what you instructed and did take her to the parade that you and BF are not comfortable leaving her with them alone, but they are welcome to have visits with you or BF present. You can even simply say that YOU and BF are not ready for DD to have these visits right now. I'm not ready for my daughter to spend the weekend with Nana. Everyone has their tolerances.
On the plus side, SM did text you about the gas and diapers and fussiness and nothing was life-threatening.
I agree that they were disrespectful and purposely ignored your wishes concerning your daughter and that should never happen. I don't blame you for being upset...I would be furious and was when in a similiar situation.
One day of being off her normal diet will not do any real harm and maybe the juice did help her if she was a bit constipated (by the way, they shouldn't have been pushing on her stomach). As frustrated by the food thing as I am sure you are, I would be more upset that they took her to the parade you specifically told them not to.
You should let them know that you are very disappointed and hurt that they would agree to your conditions for them to have your daughter and then do as they pleased anyway. Explain that you feel they overstepped their authority and stepped on your feelings at the same time. Tell them that for now, they can visit your daughter but she will not be at their home/in their care without you or your boyfriend since you obviously can not trust them to honor your wishes.
One day at the parade with gma and gmpa. Your daughter if fine, but your parents found out they picked off something bigger than they expected. When she texted you about the smelly poop, she was just checking in... you probably shouldnt have even answered it, seriously.
Honestly, I think you are making too much of it and when you give your kid to your parents for a day or a wknd let them do what they think they need to do. The baby didnt come with a book of instructions when you got it, and you do what works for you, that's what grandparents do to. It's really not something to get in huff's over all the time, since I see that a lot on here. Our parents raised us so I'm sure they are capable of keeping a grand child alive as well.
When you give specific instructions about meds or allergy ... those should be heeded by all involved. The rest is just nature and shouldnt have so many restrictions put on it... we ALL parent differently. Grandparents LOVE their grandkids to bits, so they should be more trusted with them, unless you are forcing them to watch your kids when they dont want to.
Wow. I'm sorry you guys had to go through this. I hope your daughter is doing well now.
I've been in your situation ..and I think I'm still in it. So..from my past experiences....Yes...you have the right to be upset. Nope, you should not let them keep her again. This is a child..a human being. When it comes to MY children..I do NOT give that many second chances. When in doubt...listen to your feeling. I am definitely in a similar situation. I hope everything works out. You might want to let them know how you feel about what happened. When I read the part when your dad was disappointed that he couldn't take your daughter...I said to myself...GET OVER IT! My child..my rules.
I hope everything works out. Take care.
so they filled her up with motrin and didnt feed her or give her a bottle in the middle of madi gras ? were they are on drugs, or just trying to insure that the child would be constipated and miserable ? you are very lucky the child didnt end up in the hospital, which of course they would blame on you. social services just loves getting involved in situations like yours, dont let them watch the child AGAIN, if this how they treat a small child that they are supposed to care about, g&d help you, because they wont.
K. h.
FYI, I had the same type of relationship with my dad as you have..
I completely Understand how you feel. It is so frustrating that everybody else does as you ask (you are a nurse and the mom) for goodness sakes, why can't they?
Here is what happened with my dad and his wife,. They wanted to be at the Baptism of our daughter.. they also are Catholic so they wanted it done as soon as possible. This is not what my husband and I had planned. We told them this. They came over one afternoon, and said they wanted to take the baby outside for photos. My husband and I were preparing lunch. Apparently the moment they got outside, they Baptized our daughter with holy water on their own! I was furious! I told them it would take a long time before I would EVER trust them to be alone with our child.
Of course once I calmed down, I realized why they felt this was so important and that overall they did not harm, but it still makes me mad, that they went past me and my husbands parenting wishes.
That being said, I really have to also agree with Cash, in the overall situation, they did think they felt your daughter needed something a little different.They wanted to help. It did not hurt your daughter over all. Take a breath. give it a few days. They want to be grandparents, they are doing what they did as parents.
When you get a chance just write down how it made you feel.
Then speak with them calmly and let them know in the future, if they do not follow your instructions, you will not feel comfortable in them watching daughter without you or your boyfriend also being there.
I am sending you peace.
Your father was no father to you. Do you actually want him to be her grandfather. Obviously your step mom does not give a hoot about you or the routine of your baby.
Next time keep her home. You can visit with her but do not send her alone until she is much older.
Does your boyfriend have parents. How is your own mother as a parent. If the answer is good then your daughter has grandparents and does not need a man who ignored his own daughter until she became an adult.
I agree with you. If you told them they could have your daughter only if she didn't go to the parade because she wasn't feeling well they should have kept her home. It sounds as if it were an older child taking a cranky sister/brother out so they could have fun even though the parents said not to. Why should it be any different because it's grandparents? You're the one who has to deal with her when she gets home. Too much activity could make her worse.
