Custody Questions - Sun Prairie,WI

This sounds fair and reasonable. They usually get the kids on the parents birthday too if they want. It sounds to me that you aret rying to be very fair.

It varies greatly. Some do the one week rotation. Some do the every so many days. My BIL does one week rotation with one day in the middle that the other parent gets my niece for the day. My personal opinion is that all of these arrangements are designed to be fair to the parents but not the children. They are always "bouncing back and forth" and never seem settled at either place. All kids have an adjustment period so w/ switching every two days, when would they ever just be themselves?

I'm sorry, I know you didn't ask about that directly but that is my opinion.

The holiday arrangements vary as well. Some split every holiday. Some rotate. Some split the holidays (where each has certain holidays all the time). A friend's arrangment was that it rotated each year (if you had Thanksgiving this year, the ex would next). Mine was that we split the holidays (his dad could get him for part of the day on any holiday) but he was always home for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I know that doesn't help exactly but it does give you an idea of some of the scenarios that may be discussed.

My advise to you is to think about what the kids want and need, not just what is fair to you and your husband. Think long term...not just today or this year but when they start school or join activities. Decide who will transport for the exchanges (not to say you can't offer to drop off just because Dad is supposed to pick up but this way it spells out who is responsible).

If necessary, make it as detailed as possible but also think about leaving wiggle room (with maybe a stipulation that says "and any other mutually agreeable time"). I have seen some say, I can't let him go with him because the order says he only gets "xyz" or "they can't go to this event because it overlaps dads time". Nothing says that Dad can't pick them up from the event or if another time works for everyone that it can't be done. Good luck.

My daughter has had a schedule similar to this since she was 4 1/2, she is now 8 1/2 and it still works very well for us. My time with her looks like this:

Week 1 - Sun, Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat
Week 2 - Tues, Wed
Repeat

I agree with you that I could not be without her for 7 days, and her father feels the same. She likes that she sees us both often. This schedule does involve cooperation between two parents, as school backpack, sports equipment, and other kid stuff needs to be kept track of and exchanged often. My ex and I talk or email almost every day to keep this working. We communicate about holiday plans and make sure that our daughter is able to attend any extended family events on either side. We also help each other out when work or volunteer activities require a change in days with our daughter.

For those repondents who were critical of your suggestion, I suggest you please keep an open mind, as there is not one RIGHT way to co-parent children. Each family needs to work out a schedule and arrangement that works for them. Some children may not do well with frequent changes of household, ours has no problem with this and enjoys our arrangement. She has her own space, clothes, toys, etc. at each home and can always bring anything she wants from one home to the other and this has never been an issue.

We also exchange no "child support"; instead we each deposit a set amount of money (based on income) in a joint checking account each month and each pay our daughter's expenses out of this account. We periodically review the amount so that we keep up with her needs and adjust for any income changes.

We came to these agreements using a Mediator, not lawyers, at the time of our divorce. Mediation gives more control to the parents to design an arrangement that they feel will work best.

Communication, respect, and focus on the children's needs is most important. If our arrangement begins to cause issues for our daughter or our family, we will review and come up with a solution together.

Good luck to you!

Please, please, please think about what is best for your children. I don't know how old they are, but this is going to be very hard for them and moving constantly only makes it worse. Can they stay in the house and you and dad move in and out? Think about it from their point of view. It's sad that things did not work out for you and your husband, but now you two have to go the extra mile to give them the best childhood possible. It's not about what is fair for you two, it's about what is best for them.

Sounds like you figured it out. Sounds like a fair arrangement. I am also going through my own divorce right now. My WASband also wants to do the every other week thing, but I just cannot imagine that working for me or my children at all!!! Mother's Day and Father's Day seem like givens to me and every year we will be switching off. Thanksgiving dinner will be with me and Thanksgiving lunch will be with him. Christmas Eve with him and Christmas Day with me. Seems about right....and I think it's all horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the oddest arangement I have ever seen, is this what you think custody is supposed to be like? Is this what you and he want to do?

Most custody is like this:
The custodial parent has the children M-F, they cannot be moving around during the school week, it is WAY too stressful. Then every other weekend, maybe from 6 pm Friday to 6pm Sunday they go to dads house and stay. They ahve their own clothes there, their own toys that dad buys, etc...the sending a suitcase and expecting it to come back it absurd.

The cutodial parent gets child support to buy things for the child like electricty, housing, gasoline, food, bed linens, clothes, towels, soap and toiletries, diapers formula, bottles, tippy cups, sports, dance classes, etc...and they get to file the child as a dependant on their taxes.

The non custodial parent gets to buy their own things for the children at their home and they get to file their child support on their taxes, it lowers their taxable income or something like that so the noncustodial parent pays taxes on lesser income.

My daughter goes to her Dads every Wed night and every other weekend. We just worked out a Holiday schedule in the past couple of years. (when she was younger he didn't care as much). But anyway, we have the Holidays split. One year for Thanksgiving I have her 3pm on Thanksgiving thorugh the weekend, then every year we switch back and forth. This year she goes to her Dads on Thanksgiving at 3pm (so we will be having a Thanksgiving lunch). Christmas one has her the week before Christmas until 2pm Christmas Day, then the other one has her 2pm Christmas day until return to school. Every year we switch.

Sharing your kids suck so bad!! I hate it. I used to love Holidays. Now I can't wait for them to be over. I feel like during the Holidays my daughter is gone so much more. :(

I am a legal secretary and have witnessed alot with divorce. It is very difficult for the children to be bounced back and forth. I definitely would not be moving the children every 2 days, every week is hard enough. Mother's Day should be with mother and Father's Day should be with father. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Easter, etc. should be alternated from year to year. Remember this can be changed to accommodate schedules of parents and children when necessary. As the children grow, they will be involved in more and more activities and conflicts will arise.

Also remember that as the children become involved in activities, sports, etc., there is nothing that says the noncustodial parent at that time cannot go to watch and be involved. This is about the children and their best interests should be your first concern!

I didn't read all of the other comments but I did read a couple responses and I couldn't agree more or be more aligned with what Lisa S. had to say. As for your weekly schedule? That is the exact schedule I have, 2 days on 2 days off and e/o wknd. It's works GREAT for everyone involved. We too put our daughter as our priority and are able to work together - not to say it isn't sometimes a struggle to work together. :-) We alternate holidays, including birthdays and now spring break. The exception to our alternate holiday schedle is Mother's Day and Father's Day. A few specifics for holidays is for Memorial Day and Labor Day we include the entire wknd (Fri-Mon) as it gives each parent the ability to go out of town camping or to a cabin for that typical vacation wknd. Also, New Year's Eve & New Year's Day is also treated as one holiday together. We also have a set schedule for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but that is only because my family traditionally celebrated Christmas Eve and would always get together that day and the other parent's family traditionally celebrated Christmas Day. As for expenses? We split 50/50 for daycare, activities (gymnastics, swimming lessons, etc.) and medical expenses. One parent carries the insurance (look at who has a better and more affordable plan) and the other receives fair reimbursement. Also, regardless of the age of your child/children and if they are school age yet you may want to consider adding some verbiage about one parent being the primary as far as what school/district your child/children attend. We have something to the extend that our children attend the school district I reside in. In the future you each will move on, possibly remarry and move. We both enjoy the district we are in so neither person plans to move but you never know what the future holds. Speaking of moving and distances, we also have an alternate schedule set up in the divorce decree if one parent moves XX or more miles away from the other. A 2-2-3 schedule would no longer be feasible for the child/children when commuting from the farther away home to daycare/school every morning.
What I've stated above isn't how it was in the beginning but PLEASE keep your child/children in mind. Not all Dad's want to be a part time parent. Oh, and make sure you allow a little room for flexibility with the schedule once it's set. Good Luck!

I have a question for you and your husband. Is divorce absolutely necessary? Is there really know other way to work this out? When I started reading your message I was so saddened to imagine your children 2 days with mom and 2 days with dad, etc, etc, etc,.... Shouldn't the person you be asking this question be to your husband? These children are just as much as his children as they are yours.

I've been married 16 years and I can honestly admit that a couple years ago I thought I would die if I stayed married one more day. For me it boiled down to my children and the thought of how horrible and messy a divorce really is on everyone. You're about to enter the most miserable time of your life. Certainly, if you or your children are being harmed then you must get out of this situation, however, it doesn't sound like this is the case.

I've done a lot of self examining of my own life and I decided I would find a way to have a good marriage and be happy with my current life. I changed my whole attitude and starting finding ways to contribute to our happiness. Yes, it may have been a little false at first, but I ultimately changed my whole outlook. I noticed everyone was happier when I even acted happy and because of this, everyone around me changed.
No marriage is perfect. These ups and downs we all go through bring us together closer eventually. I do realize that it also takes a willing partner to make it work, but sometimes it just takes one person to change their daily actions for the other one to notice and want to change too.
I'm really not trying to sound judgemental, I just really want you to ask yourself to find a way to make it work.

My ex husband and i are week on week off with one overnight stay during their week. I have the benefit of it since my ex works late sometimes and works weekends. We started off flipping back and forth a lot, I did not like this once every morning my daughter started asking where she was going for the day. It was confusing for her. Try and keep as constistant as possible. Keep a routine, especially once they start school.
I have a co-worker who has her child every wed, thur and every other weekend. That seems to work well for them. Holidays will come with a challenge. Everyother--keep a log for the year. You might have to remind him that he had your child last year during that holiday. Good luck

I come from separated parents and grew up going back and forth for holidays. For Christmas you can look at what your family is doing, do you have big family get together's? There was always something going on Christmas Eve with my dad and always something Christmas morning with my mom. Although it did switch a few times during the years. Luckily for me my parents got along very well and there was no agreement we just played it by ear. If you both can sit down and discuss what works best hopefully you can come up with something. Otherwise switching every year does make sense and makes it fair for both of you. Good Luck to you!

I haven't been in a custodial situation before, but can I share my perspective as a teacher? I'm not sure how old your kids are, but if they are school age the arrangement you are thinking about might not br the best. I have had many students who move back and forth between different homes. If the kids and the parents are not super organized homework gets lost, information about school events doesn't get from one home to the other, notes about lunch money or needed supplies go to the parent who "isn't responsible for that", etc. It can be a real mess. Both parents would also need to be in agreement about homework rituals, bedtimes, discipline, etc. I have a student right now whose behavior drastically changes depending on if he is with his mom or with his grandma. One caregiver is much more lenient with expectations and discipline and his behaviors with her carry over to school. I had a student last year who was in a similar situation. I could always tell who he was staying with based on how tired he was. One parent let him stay up however late he wanted too. I have that student again this year. The parents have been working together better and he has more stability in his life. He is a completely different kid this year-- doing better not only academically but also socially and behaviorally. Every family is different and I can't know what is best for your children, but I think it is very important for you to put your kids' best interest first. What is going to be best for them. I know this is going to be hard for you, but it will probably be even harder for them. Especially since they will be the ones shuffling around.

Please think of what your child's day/week is going to be like - not your needs right now.

Can you imagine shuffling your stuff every two days (!) from house to house?? I traveled as a sales rep and as an adult it was hard to do that - how can a young child manage it?? Are you and your ex spouse going to move the clothes/items around every two days (obviously most will stay put but you know how children always have so much stuff they have to have w/ them)? Will you drop the items off at each others house after dropping the kids off at school/ daycare, etc? Or do you expect the chilldren to have all that stuff at school w/ them every third day?

You sound like a very caring parent - please do what is best for your child/children, not matter how hard it might be for you.

My girlfriend's ex has the kids every thur for dinner and every other weekend... and that's hard on the kids.

Oh, I hate my computer right now. I had it all written out and then when I posted it it disappeared! bad computer.....

Anyway, my husband has two kids from a previous relationship. They were never married, but he is the father on the birth certificate. When the dd and ds were about 4 and 1 he got full custody of them. Basically their mom told him "i can't handle them you take them." and she didn't have much to do with them until they were 10 and 6, when I came into the picture.

We ended up having to go to court for a custody battle and ended up needing a guardian ad litum. What she came up with after visiting with both sides is what the judge agreeded to, so this is what we have:

We were granted sole physical custody with shared legal and that was basically because that way if something happened to a kid she could take them to the hospital.

Odd years- we have the kids New Year's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, Labor Day (as school starts the next day), Christmas Day, New Year's Eve
Even years- Easter, Father's Day, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas Day

Our family always celebrates Christmas on Christmas Day and her side always does it on Christmas Eve, so that worked out for us.

Summer breaks are every other week in our household as the kids were awful when they were over there for two weeks at a time. Other school breaks we deal with on a day to day basis. She gets them every other weekend too.

I hope this helps.

Here is how custody is written in our divorce papers. We follow it almost to the letter, but there's always room for flexibility.

Parenting Schedule: The Petitioner shall have parenting time with minor children overnight each Tuesday and Thursday from after work/school until the next morning, and every other weekend from Friday after work/school until Sunday evening at 7:00p.m.

Holiday Parenting Schedule:
a. The children shall be with the Petitioner on Father’s Day each year (defined as 9:00 a.m. on Sunday until 7:00 p.m. on Sunday) and with the Respondent on Mother’s Day each year (defined as 9:00 a.m. on Sunday until 7:00 p.m. on Sunday).
b. The children shall be with the Petitioner on his birthday each year and with the Respondent on her birthday each year (defined as 9:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m. on the day of the birthday), provided that parent chooses to have the day off from work.

c. The children shall spend their birthdays with the petitioner in even numbered years and with the Respondent in odd numbered years (defined as 9:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m. on the day of the birthday).

d. Holidays shall be alternated, unless otherwise designated. Holidays shall be construed for purposes of this Order as including:

HOLIDAY EVEN YEARS ODD YEARS

New Year’s Eve/Day Petitioner Respondent
9:00 a.m. on December 31
Until 9:00 a.m. on January 2

Memorial Day Respondent Petitioner
4:00 p.m. on Sunday until
9:00 a.m. he following Tuesday

4th of July Petitioner Respondent
4:00 p.m. on July 3 until 9:00 a.m.
The following Tuesday

Thanksgiving Petitioner Respondent
9:00 a.m. on Thursday until 9:00 a.m.
On Friday

Christmas Eve Respondent Petitioner
4:00 p.m. on December 24 until
9:00 a.m. on December 25

Christmas Day Petitioner Respondent
9:00 a.m. on December 25 until
9:00 a.m. on December 26

I am going to answer this from the child's perspective. My parents got divorced when I was about 11 years old.

I lived one week at my Dad's house and then 1 week at my Mom's house. Back and forth. It was horrible. I felt like I lived out of my backpack. Of course I had my own room at each house. But neither of them felt like my home anymore, because I was shuffled back and forth between them.

I cannot imagine how horrible it would have been if I had to go back and forth every 2 days. Please do not do that to your children.

You need to think about what is best for the kids, not what is best for you. They are going to have enough to deal with having their parents split up. Don't give them an extra burden of feeling like they do not have a home (a place they belong).

I apologize for being so blunt, but your question really brought up some tough memories for me. Please don't make your decisions based on what you want. Think about what is best for the kids.

oklahoma standard visitation is every other weekend, wednesday's with non custodial, alternating holiday's (every other christmas, thanksgiving, easter, etc) non custodial 2 weeks in june 2 in july and 1 week in aug depending on when school starts father's day with dad's, mother's day with mom's, and birthday with parent celebrating that birthday. and alternating spring/fall breaks

if your children are not school age, your idea sounds like a fair deal, HOWEVER keep in mind when they start school they will probably need a steadier schedule with either parent (whom ever primary custodial parent is) and unless you want to have to file a modification later, get that listed what the schedule will be when they start school too. i didn't get that listed, and my ex kept getting her on wed's and tues's and there were times his wife would have my daughter call me at 10!!!! the first thing out of my mouth is you have school tomorrow, why are you not in bed? she'd tell me, i would go to bed but i havn't had dinner yet..........i'm like WHAT...is her dad and step mom (who has a degree in child care) #$@#@#$@# retarted??!?!?!?! so, i had to move FAR away close enough i was still in my stat's with the decree but far enough he would volunteer his visitation up....and drive about 50 miles one way to get to work!!!! and will have to remain doing this until my modification is done!

so keep the future in mind

Every family has a different custody arrangement. Your questions of who the kid's are with for which holidays are things you work out ahead of time with their father.

In a perfect world the agreement will be what's absolutely the least disruptive for the children (you don't mention their ages) which is not always what works best for one parent or the other. It's not about whether 'you can make it 7 days in a row without them', it's about stability, a dependable schedule for THEM.

It is my personal opinion that the old fashioned "Children live with one parent and visits the other" is what is best for kids. There are many on this site who have a WIDE variety of situations who will probably disagree with me.

I hope you and your husband find a schedule that works bests for your KIDS, then also for each other.

Good Luck!