Custody Question

Don't know if you are in KS or MO. If in KS, joint custody means you both make the decisions for educational purposes, medical purposes, religion, etc. I would say a majority of cases are joint custody with one parent being primary residential custodian. Primary residential custodian means that your house address is used for mailing purposes and to determine where the kids will go to school. You need to do what is right for the kids, not for yourself. The kids deserve the best of both parents. I'm not saying you are a bad parent, but being in the field of family law, I see a lot of parents who are selfish in ways that are beyond what I could ever imagine. Of course you want your kids a majority of the time, but so does their dad. If you file in JOCO, there are standard guidelines you can go buy, but do what is best for the kids. What you suggested about every other weekend and a few nights a week is pretty common. You'll know what is right. Hang in there.

My daughters father and I have joint custody, basically means no major decisions can be made about her life w/o the others consent as well. I have residential custody of her, so she 'lives' with me, it's her permanent home and where I live is where she goes to school. Hope this helps clarify a little.

I like it, especially now when my child's dad made the stupid choice of moving 45 minutes away for his new wife. Kinda like payback :-)

Why are you the one in charge here? Last I checked it takes two to make a baby and two to parent. Why wouldn't you want your children to see their parents on an equal basis? Perhaps you have a problem w/ being too controlling. Do whats best for your kids here and think about them & not just what you want.

Okay, just so you know where I'm coming from - my parents are divorced, I've been a kid in that situation, and my husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage, so I've parented in that situation. I'm in Missouri, so my experience is there.
That said, there are 2 types of custody - legal and physical. Joint LEGAL custody means you share decision-making on medium to big decisions, like where to go to school, what doctor to go to, playing sports, long-term medical treatments, etc. (although each parent can set their own bedtime, dinner time, etc. in their home). Joint PHYSICAL custody is a 50/50 time split. Exactly how the split works differs; it isn't necessarily a 1 week mom's, 1 week dad's arrangement.
Unless he is an unfit father, what is FAIR is allowing the children (approximately) equal time with both parents, so both parents have time to really 'parent' not just play (and so be the Disneyland parent) or have to rush (do your homework, eat your dinner, now it's time for bed, I saw you for 30 minutes today).
Just remember that custody isn't a competition - you will have to be dealing with this man in regards to these children until the youngest is out of college, and through them he will be around throughout their lives (and that is a good thing for the children). So don't make this a war. Keep in mind the children's best interest - which is a good, healthy relationship with BOTH parents.

I was divorced in 96 and I had primary physical custody he had visitation - we agreed on that. I have heard Missouri is changing - they like to give "joint" custody to the couple and it's a half and half shared thing. They expect the couple to "work" it out. Right - if they could "work" it out they wouldn't be getting divorced. Joint custody with this shared thing is horrible for the kids. They miss out on those friendships that their friends know where they are and call them at the last minute etc... Of course the best thing is to get along and love your kids. Im just not sure you'll get the say so.

One thing that blew my mind - in Missouri They could take the kids out of state for 24 hours without your consent - without even telling you.

God Bless,
L.

Good Morning M.,
My granddaughter (son's daughter) has been in shared custody for 7 years, she's 1 week at dads and 1 week at moms.
the parents take care of the needs in their homes, my son pays for school, medical insur., music instrument, he get her involved in sports only on the week he has her (mom don't want to drive that far to bring her to her games) and she attends school in the town where my son and we (grandparents) live. Mom lives 45 minutes away. Now that she is getting older, its getting harder for her to leave here and go to moms, because of her activities & friends are all here. This has worked for my son because we have been here to help after school, and on days he's at work she is with us. If shared custody works for you, the kids need both parents in their life, as for my son he just didn't want to be a weekend dad, but another thing that is important is not to put the other parent down in front of the child, this hurts the child inside their heart. If the child/children are very young need to decide if dad is able to care for all the needs a baby has, some dad are better at that than others. our son took care of her most all the time, so when the divorce came he wanted her with him. Now she wants to be here all the time, but that hasn't happened yet. Just pray and ask God to help you know what is best, especially if its just impossible to work it out between you two.

In the state of MO- you will have to have joint custody. unless you can prove the other parent unfit- in some way. they only do joint custody- and then one of you will be the primary custodial parent. and the more days that he gets per week/per every 2 weeks- he will be awarded "credit" for these days; which translates into less child support for you... because they do not use the same "credit" per day for you, only for the dad. Be careful, choose your lawyer wisely, and there are advantages for you filing- and there are certain judges that are "pro-dad", and so you want to avoid those.

I do not have personal experience with custody issues, but do have a very close friend who shares joint custody with her daughter's father. He gets her daughter every Wednesday evening for a few hours, every other weekend all weekend, every other holiday and four weeks in the summer (now that she is 8). I believe that is pretty standard for 'joint' custody unless you want to arrange something like 1 week at your house, 1 week at his, but I think that's hard on a kid. If you live close to each other and your child/children can easily adjust to being at your house part of the time and his part of the time, you may be able to work out being at your house 2 weeks a month then at his. Just an idea.

try www.avvo.com - you can get free legal advise on this site.

Hi M. -
Unless there is a reason - I'm confused by you saying "I am not ready to give joint custody to my husband". The children are his too. However you and your husband feel about each other needs to be set aside to the benefit of your children. I know that is probably much much easier to say, but I also know it is extremely important!
Good luck to you.

M.,

I would talk to your attorney and see what he/she says on custody, however, it is usually joint custody with one parent being the primary/custodial parent. Joint custody is not what a lot of people think, it means that you both have rights when making decisions for the child such as medical decisions. It is not the same as split custody where they live with mom 1 week dad the other week. Divorce can be SO confusing, and terminology has changed over the years!!

Just remember, that divorce hurts the kids and the less pain they have to go through the better! Is there a reason you don't want the kids around dad? Does he do drugs, is he violent? These are things that your lawyer needs to know if so, that way he can help protect the kids from an unsafe environment. However, if it is just that you and him cannot get along, don't take it out on the kids, they deserve the right to get to know their dad and spend time with him.

I had a stepson who was adopted and never knew who his dad was, it really bothered him! His mom didn't know who his dad was, it caused some real problems between the two of them! Don't drive that wedge between you and your kids because they will resent you for keeping them from their dad!

I wish you all the best, I know it is hard, I have been divorced and it was hard on the kids, but the one thing that we always assured them of was that we were not getting a divorce because we didn't love them, just we couldn't be together. Kids need that reassurance!! Hang in there!

L.

Good Morning M., I am so sorry for your situation, divorce is hard on everyone. I lived with my mom and saw my daddy every other weekend, but I didn't know my dad until I was in kindergarten. After they divorced when I was 17 months old Dad joined the Army.
Kansas is normally a Mom's state meaning Mom's have physical custody of children unless she is Proven Unfit.
There are several factors that can play out in any custody situation. Are you moving after the divorce from your home? Will the children attend a different school? Will dad live and work close by?
If you both can sit down together and work out what will work to the best interest of the children before seeing a lawyer that would be best. Have it written out so you both can present it to the representing lawyers.

One of our Gr daughters little friends parents live across the street from each other. They are best of friends just can't live together. MaKenna stays primarily with mom and can go to dad's anytime she wants too. Mom is a nurse so if she has to be late after school Dad picks her up, or she just goes across the street. Then they have special occasions where she goes with dad to his parents or on vacation.

Whatever you can work out between you first will probably be the most benefical for the children, if you can agree calmly and not let faults or grudges become a deciding factor.

I saw a sign last week that made me go WOW! It said
"Speak kindly to your enemy's, You Made them."

Don't become enemies with each other, the kids suffer the most.
God Bless you M., I will pray for all of you, that it all works out for the best.
God Bless you
K. Nana of 5
Ps *Laughing* When my hubby asked me to marry him 39 yrs ago. I told him, "Yes but Divorce is NOT in my vocabulary,Murder YES"!!! Guess he believed me we've been married 38 yrs. LOL ( mom married 3 times so I didn't want to repeat what she had done)

Primary presidency is a big word for who gets the kids most of the time and who gets child support checks! Don't let him have primary presidency. You should however, if he is not abusive, work out something with him to let him spend time with the kids too. It will need to be worked out on paper, those are the rules in a court of law. Get a good lawyer, work it out together if you can, it sure is cheaper!

Joint custody doesn't realy mean anything. It legally means you can't make any decisions that the father doesn't also agree with in regards to legal matters, i.e. school, leaving state, etc. however in my experience, once the mother has made the decision it stands. If you sign your kids up for school and they attend on your days is he going to take them out and re enroll them at a different school? also we have physical and joint legal custody of my husbands daughter and the mother still does whatever she wants regardless what my husband says. thaty have 50/50 custody and she has mon & tues and we have wed & thurs and we alternate every other fri-sun. everyone picks up and drops off at school. the mother moved 40 miles away and tried to take some of our custody since she was now too far for the kid to go back and forth and the judge penalized her by not only keeping the custody the same but saying since she moved she now has to come all the way to our house in the mornindgs befor school to pick up the kid following one of our days os be careful what you do. the judges do not favor dads or moms so dont listen to people who say that. they favor the child period. and regardless of how you feel about your ex, the judge know every child should be with both parents equally.