Custody Q - Right of First Refusal

I thought "right of first refusal" is when ...... it is his scheduled time - and for some reason he cannot care for her for like more than a specified amount of hours (I think mine is like 6 hrs) - you have 1st dibs on watching your kid before he finds alternate care. Has nothing to do with the situations you listed above. At least not in my agreement.

ROFR is about giving the other parent the option before arranging childcare.

It only applies when you will be UNAVAILABLE to respond or care for your child.

It doesn't mean you have to notify him any time you won't be in the room. Parties, playdates, etc., are not at issue, because you are still AVAILABLE and RESPONSIBLE for your child at those times.

IF you are planning to use a sleep-over as an opportunity to head out of town for the night THEN you need to offer your ex first refusal because you are USING the sleepover as childcare. Does that make sense?

Hope this helps.

Oh R.-

I know this is a difficult situation...(AND for anyone to insinuate that you do not have the best interest of your kiddo in mind has clearly NOT been reading your posts regarding your situation...and your posts to other members of this forum...)

Anyway, I am of the understanding that ROFR is as others have suggested...that if your STBX is unable to have your son during 'his' time...you have the right to be given that time.

If you are concerned about STBX not taking son to 'scheduled'/regular activities...have the custody agreement spell that out. Playdates...sleepovers and the like are more nebulous...but perhaps language could be crafted to include those things.

I never thought I would say this...but I am relieved in many ways that my ex has not been involved in my kiddos lives these past few years (HIS choice). It is hurtful that he has missed special occasions...and invitations have been extended...(to him and his family). But in some respects it has been a good thing. When they 'sign up' or are involved in an activity, I know I can depend on 'me' to get them there...ALWAYS.

I wish you the best in this...and I KNOW your primary concern is for your kiddo...

Cyber ((((HUGS)))

Best Luck!
michele/cat

All the right of first refusal is is if you need a sitter for more than the specified time you must give the right of first refusal to the other. Ours has it spelled out this is for periods longer than ten hours.

In practice when I went to Europe with my older daughter I had to offer my ex the chance to watch them on the times I would usually have custody. He took it. Then tried to stick me with his childcare costs when I would have had the kids. Didn't happen, made me laugh my butt off

What he tried was using it to not allow my parents to watch them. Then strangely turn around and ask my parents to watch them for him. That is why we had ten hours or more so that any normal babysitting didn't fall under the criteria. It can only be used on babysitting.

Trust me he tried the sleepover, didn't work. Daycamps don't work because it is considered daycare though on our decree all childcare was supposed to be a joint decision.

I can't remember what all he tried when he was trying to figure out how to make my life hell with it but Europe was his only "success" and even that didn't work. I was on my phone before so I couldn't elaborate but he over paid the sitter when I would have had the kids so that he could hit me with a bill for 2,000 when we got home. I explained and his attorney backed me up under the right of first refusal all normal rules apply so he is responsible for child care. After all if not it would allow him to take what would be free child care and make me pay for it in that case, ya know?

Please feel free to PM me. I am pretty sure my ex and your soon to be ex are cut from the same cloth. I can tell you all the ways he tried to use anything in our decree to annoy me for the lack of a better word.

Oh, in case this was part of your question you cannot use it to compel him to bring your child to a birthday party that happens to fall during his visitation. Sorry but that is one sad fact you will have to accept. :( My poor kids missed a mess of birthday parties and school events because he just didn't have the time and wouldn't let me take them.

I thought that the ROFR was so the other parent had first dibs at "babysitting" in case the parent currently caring for the child (normal schedule) was unavailable.....sorry, R., I'm confused at how this relates to the situations you listed....

ETA: Another mom explained the "angle" you're coming from. R., I've gotta tell you, I worry about your situation. The way this man is described--it just makes me plain terrified for you and your son! If ever there was a reason to go "off the grid"....this man may be it. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

It tends to work that if the child is with your during your time and you need child care you have to give your ex the chance to watch the child during the time you need child care. In a way it saves either of you child care fees and gives the parent extra time with the child when it isn't their time to have the child.

I don't get why he could stop your son from going to sleepovers. Your son is invited to a party - you're not looking for a babysitter. I think you're not really seeing this the correct way.

My interpretation is that you get right of first refusal if you need child care. Not that you have to call him up and say "Johnny is invited to a sleepover so he won't be with me. Do you want him?" That's not reasonable and I'm quite sure that's not how it works. And even if it does, how would hubby KNOW that Johnny went to a sleepover without you unless you tell him?

Your interpretation just doesn't seem reasonable to me.

Have the language crafted to be very, very specific. Have several people read it if possible, before even proposing it. I've had experience with an ex (my ex-husband's ex) who would pick words apart for her own benefit.

I'm curious, however, how your STBX would ever be available to be with your son if he works every waking hour plus?? In that case, your document could be written so that he, and only he, could be the one caring for your child whenever he invokes this clause - he could not have any other person provide the care.

How about also adding a clause that limits the care of your son, excepting for these types of social events, to a pre-approved (by you) list of caregivers? Then, if your STBX leaves with him with his latest sweetie, you have something to take back to the lawyers/court.

No matter how carefully a document is worded, when there exists the level of antagonism that I'm reading into your posts, a document can't settle every disagreement between two parents.

BTW: your son is 9? Just wait until Dad prevents him from going to a couple of sleepovers or camp that he wants to go to... The polish will likely wear off for for your ex for this kind of bs.

I'm not clear from your question on how this is supposed to work. I can see why you would not want you child to miss out on things that can't be rescheduled but I'm not sure how it works best to do this.