Custody - Somerset,CA

I would tell mom to set up a mediation appointment and tell mediator about their son's behavior. The mediator may suggest a change or may require dad to pay counseling since the child is behaving in such an extreme way when going with his dad. Just make sure your daughter is presenting the situation in a way that shows she is concerned about her son's best interest and not that she is in any way upset with the dad or trying to get back at him.

Best wishes!

E.

My heart goes out to you and the baby because it's difficult. Remember to keep focused on the main priority and that is what is best for the child. Keep a log with notes when monitoring the behavior of the baby and back it up with evidence that is not only your observation, but from a doctor or child psychologist for instance. A professional opinion in your evidence with be more concrete. And I believe it helps to do some reading on child development, so read as much as you can.

Take care.

changing homes is very hard on a small child. At the same time, he needs to spend time with both parents. Maybe instead of a week at a time, you could change the way you share. Have you considered a split week schedule? (3 1/2 days with each parent) or a daily schedule even... switching just before dinner time and keeping the baby overnight before bringing him back? There are many different ways to share custody and you might have to be creative to find the best one that works for you! Good luck!

Hello, sorry about your situation, it sounds like a tough one.... My two youngest (boys) go to their dad's on the weekend only, Friday night to Sunday. The youngest one started not wanting to go, I think his dad plays favorites with the older one. I stopped making him go and gave him the choice because I know his dad can be a jerk (sorry to say that but, it's true) so, I simply don't make him go. I would go back to court and request that the boy needs to be mainly with his mother because it is too much strain on the boy to be one week on, one week off, that's a lot for a child, especially at his age. When he starts school, things will be even more difficult. You don't need an attorney, let me tell you, I have been through a lot w/ four kids and two divorces, you just need to be set on what you want when you go to court. If your daughter is low-income the courts even have a fee waiver that she could get to file. The paperwork is easy, you just fill it in and where it says "attorney" you just put in "pro per" meaning she is representing herself. If you decide you need a paralegal to do up the paperwork, sometimes you can get that at a reasonable price. I have a name of a lady in Turlock that is reasonable, she does it out of her home, if you'd like her name, you let me know. I am not sure where you live. About the little boy being clingy and taking a bottle, that is probably because there is a new addition to the family (the baby) and that's how kids sometimes react, especially when they are close in age, mine did anyway, I think that is normal behavior and that will pan itself out over time, just give him love and attention and let him know he is a "big boy" and maybe you or your daughter could take just him out w/out baby and do something only "big boys" do (for his age) and let him know brother/sister (baby) isn't going because he/she is too little and that should make him feel special. Good luck, if you want you can email me back.... take care and God bless you.
PS Forgot to ask... is new baby by same father?

From experiance let me just say this is difficult process. I have been childsharing for 7 years and it gets easier over time. It is extremely hard on the little ones but they are resilliant and wonderful little beings. You can NOT expect that the two homes will have the same rules, time schedules, bed times, food items, tv time or anything else. I have been dragged through the court system and basically the custodial time with dad is his business. And yes she was always good for him because she always got a gift, a treat, to stay up late etc etc and she came home unmanagable. When she was small she screamed like hell when I handed her off but that gets easier over time. I always wanted some play time for the transition but her dad was not ameanable to it. My advise: Just request or offer the every other weekend option and say you like to spend more time together if at all possible. Mine was at 20/80 and now its 10/90 and I am really happy. Every other weekend works well for us and the recovery time is not so hard now.

Hi N.,

I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. If I may, I'd like to add a bit as an outsider that may be difficult to see when you are on the inside.

First, transitions are hard for EVERY kid! They just don't like change because its hard to understand. At that age my son cried when dropped off at day care even though he was always playing happily when I came back in the afternoon and sometimes didn't want to leave! Since he has been used to being with Mom most of the time, leaving her is going to be hard whether for the week, the weekend or the afternoon.

Second, the birth of a new sibiling is really hard for kids! Especially for a kid under two who doesn't know what's going on,all he knows is this new baby is taking time from his mommy. If I may be so bold, I'd say that the bottle use and constant need to be held is about a new baby in the house, not a custody arrangment, but with the two things together, he may think he's being sent away to make room for the baby!

Finally, young children look to their parents (especially mom) for the correct emotion in a situation. They trust their mothers and believe that if mom feels good about it, it's good. Likewise, if mom is worried, angry or sad, it's a bad situation.

Now a piece of advice: Try really getting on board with the new custody arrangment. You and your daughter should sit down with your grandson and explain very clearly that you love him and his father and other grandma love him too. Make sure he knows that you are happy for him to spend time with his Daddy and that you can't wait to hear about all the fun things he did during the week. Tell him that you and his mom will miss him very much and look forward to seeing him at the end of the week. Then, above all, you must find a way to be happy about his drop-offs. If you are uneasy, he will be uneasy, it's as simple as that.

Good luck with everything. Shared custody is never easy for anyone, but as adults we have to try and make it more manageable for the children.

HTH,

T.

Your grandson's emotional health is WAY more important than money. He needs to be in ONE home with visitation, not splitting time between two homes. When a child splits time between two houses, he lives in "Mom's house" or "Dad's house", but never "MY house." And maybe the Dad is not a very good parent? But a child that age usually needs mommy more than daddy.

So if the issue is really about money, have your daughter tell the dad that she won't ask him for money if her son can live with her full-time, giving him visitation or occasional short visits. When my ex dumped me and his one year old son, he gave me a pathetically small amount of child support, not even enough to pay for daycare, but I didn't fight him on it because my son was more important than any battles. And that way I got full control. We never wasted money on attorneys.

Your grandson is traumatized; your daughter should do whatever she can right now to stabilize his life, or there will be long-term consequences.

A weekends-only at dad's is a MUCH better option.