Curious About How Much I Should Give

I don't think you are asking too much AT ALL!! Parenting is supposed to be a joint effort and it sounds like you are the one putting in all the effort with little input from him. Really, I don't think it matters who makes the most money at their job, although as a man that might be a sore spot for him that you make more than he does. At any rate, I think he should not expect you to do everything and he should WANT to spend some time with his kids!

Dear L.,
Man, if it is really that off balance, I don't get it. Just as an outside opinion, I think that if both people work full time then, the chores should be divided up and shared. I have a 13 year old daughter who has finally shown signs of understanding that if Mommy and Daddy work, then we ALL have to pitch in to get the stuff done around the house. And men seem to fall too easily into what they think of as "their role" and that's it for them. So, I know it is one of the hardest parts of marriage, but it sounds to me like the Super Nanny would draw a big chart on the wall of what all needs to be done and then, all the adults in the household should pitch in equally with what they are good at or can stand to do. That's just my opinion... but I hope it helps!!

No, you aren't a bad Mom! If he keeps saying you're a bad wife, maybe it's time for professional help?

Honestly L., it sounds like your husband needs a serious kick in the butt! I don't know him or anything, but he is definitely NOT doing his share. You need to have a long talk with him (non-confrontational) about your feelings and try to work out a more equal partnership. He should be supporting you, not tearing you down. Believe me, I understand what it is like to have a husband tell you you're not good enough. My first husband was great at that! You are not a bad mom at all because you want some down time. We all need it. Keep your head up! XOXO

L.:
Before I could respond to you, I really had to sit back and read your request over and over. I cannot believe your husband would be so ridiculous and unfair to you to even state that anyone in his life "owes" him. People only owe one another when they both have agreed to allow one to borrow. If the other person doesn't know what is going on - there was never anything agreed to be borrowed thus no one owes anyone anything.
Relationships are not borrowing of another's life. It is sharing and growing together. There NEVER is a time that a husband/wife owes one another. As your husband appears to not understand the meaning - I suggest you talk with your family about whether there is a reason you should continue to be with this utmost jerk and get out now! It appears you have done way more than he ever will or could do with your children and you deserve so very much more than to be told you are a bad wife.
Do not even for one minute believe that you are bad. He is and to tell you so is disgusting and unfair to you. Never be downgraded by anyone that says "they love you". That is not love - his vows appear to have meant nothing to him either. Find friends you can talk to, listen to the moms here but I do hope you leave this person asap because he will just bring you down and you deserve and should not be in this situation!!!

T., a concerned mother

My first reaction is wow. First let me say that I am just your average mom with basic education and my advice comes from my heart and the life I've lead. It sounds like you give everything and your husband gives an extream low amount. I have two womderful daughters (17 & 13) who are now beyond the age of needing me to do everything for them, but when they were young I did everything. My husband worked outside the house and I worked inside the house. That means I did everything your doing except working and I will tell you I have no idea how you can do it. It took everything I had just to get the kids taken care of and the household chores done. Your situation is way off balance and you need to think about that. A marriage is a partnership and where is your partner? Your question is are you a bad mom? Well it doesent sound like it to me. You need to ask yourself " are my kids doing without?" and I'm not talking about stuff I'm talking about being cared for and if the answer is yes then your a good mom.

TV mornings definitely do not make you a bad mom. Sometimes the best way for us to parent is to take care of ourselves first. Having time to yourself and indulging a little (staying in bed is rather small potatoes) can make you feel more relaxed, and therefore better with the kids. So I say go for it!

But the bigger issue is the lack of unity with your husband. Being out-of-sync with your partner CAN effect your relationship with your kids -- don't let yourself believe that they don't feel every ounce of tension or trouble. That being said, I don't think there is room for "you owe me" in a true partnership. It sounds like time to sit down after the kids are in bed and talk reality. If the main message in your house is that you are a bad wife, and now a bad mother, it's time to turn your attention to getting that relationship on track. In my world, a partnership doesn't necessarily mean 50-50. Keeping score is not fair, because we each contribute differently. I do the vast majority of the chores, while my husband works very hard to provide. But he values me and what I do, and tells me often.

HI L.,

All else aside it is concerning that he says your a bad wife way to much, and you say you hear it so much his opinion doesn't matter. !!!RED WARNING LIGHTS!!!!! You guys are on a very, very, dangerous road.
Your children need the stability of a set of parents who respect and love eachother and will stay together. You should start working on your relationship right away. There is no time to loose. Can I suggest a couple of books?

For HIM TO READ: "If Only He Knew,What No Woman Can Resist"- by Gary Smalley. The contents cover such things as "how to drive away your wife without even trying", "If you wife doesnt win first place, you lose" "your wife needs your shoulder not your mouth" ,"so you want a perfect wife" "watch out, it can happen to you" and more.

Also as a couple ,read "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley. It covers "how affair proof is your marriage, really?","from incompatible to irresistable," and a whole selection of chapters on the needs of the male and the female.

To round things out you should read: Sacred Influence, What a Man Needs From his Wife to be the Husband She wants" by Gary Thomas. It covers such things as "becoming strong enough to address your husbands functional fixness, How weakness in others can make us grow, understanding a man's deepest thirst, how you can learn to appreciate an imperfect man, embracing the high call of marriage," and more.

I really do think these book will get you both thinking in the right direction. Make sure he sees YOU reading a self betterment book at the same time, so he feels like you are trying as well and will be more likely to read his.

Another book that is equally great is called LOVE AND RESPECT.

Don't wait until it's too late. I did, and I was almost divorced. Thankfully, my husband was not having an affair, or I probably would have lost him forever. It is almost impossible to pull a spouse back from an affair. Dont let it get to that point!

In my opinion at the time, my husband was the one that was the problem in the relationship and who needed to change - At the time I could have cared less what he thought or what he did- I was so resentful at him.I figured he'd eventually figue it out and change if I gave him the cold shoulder long enough. But HE was the one who decided he was going to divorce ME!!! When he said he wanted out becauae he felt trapped and didn't love me anymore- woah, a big crushing wakup call. I NEVER, EVER, thought he would even think of divorcing me. I was a good catch!

So please, try to fix this now, before it's too late.Do it for Your children. Do it for yourself. Your marriage can be better than ever. I am living proof.

****update: L., I just read your previous posts where you said he had beaten you in the head and face. In this instance, I cannot reccommend trying to fix the marriage. HE NEEDS SERIOUS HELP. I recommend you find a divorce lawyer.

Hello L.: I am not sure how I should respond I was so surprized by the selfishness of the man you are married to.
I have to tell you that I was with my husband 40 years before his death of cancer. He got angry because of the limits of his cancer but was aware that it was not my fault he had it! We have several children sometimes I have worked out side the home and always held full time job in the home. My sweet husband worked, went to school, ans waas in a church leadership position-- never once did he suggest I owed him more than a kiss for what I had to do. He and I shared as much as was possible the raising of our children. I would have been ashamed of him or of my sons if they even acted this way and I am not one not to say so to my children even as adults.
The point being they are both of your children and should be raised by the 2 of you. He is darn lucky that you have even bought into this harrassment for one minuet.
I have 2 sons that are married, work long and tough jobs- their wives work as well out of the home one in a very stressful job. They are both tired when they get home and want to just relax-- but I can tell you that they have great relationships with each other and the children because they work together on what the needs are. Recently I was at one son's home as anked my daughter in law how they each did things was there a set plan. I was told that they cook together or each take a night and have the kids under foot while they cook (he got the kids a toy kitchen and put itin the hall outside of the kitchen) or one plays with the baby and toddler and the other cooks. But my son insists on giving baths each night so that he has play time and they can splash with the best of them! Then they crash together in the front room once the children are asleep.
I have one grandchild that won't sleep unless daddy is holding her hand. This is all true nd I have not mentioned the other children I have. I will once again Thank My Sons and Sons in laws for being the great examples they are and how much effort they put into parenting their children. I can only say that you need to keep believeing in yourself--- you are carrying a full load and should not be made to feel like you aren't doing enough and SHAME on him for saying such things to the mother of his children. I have several friends that are deaf or going deaf, and as stressful as that is they are not taking their resentment for their situations out on the one person that can can support the family . In once case he won't be working again but staying home with the children. Make him understand that he needs a councilor to talk with so he doesn't destroy your relationship with his resentment that you hear and he does not. It is not your fault!! Nana G

it sounds like you may be in an emotionally abusive situation, and you should get therapy asap- this is not normal and sets a VERY bad example to your children. so if you don't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. Good luck.

I would pray on this. I do not offer pray right off the bat as my first response but if you disect this, of course you are the giver and deserve down time. Here is the thing. You have children. Ideally, you can draw out more from him with kindness and calm dialogue, not to make you a carpet mat or to be overly controlled, under appreciated..but to teach him to see the global picture here.

You sound like an overall amazing individual let alone wife and mother.

L., You are not a bad mom and it doesn't sound like you are a bad wife either. You are doing everything and should not feel guilty about watching TV on Sat. mornings and not getting right out to work in the garden or garage...what is he doing to help you??

If he has a hearing loss and is yelling to be heard, maybe he could get some help and a hearing aide? My question is why is he not helping you and then telling you are a bad wife and mom.

Don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself, we all need that.

Good luck.

Marriage is a two way street. Sometimes you may give more, sometimes he may give more.. Sometimes you will both give the same but you should never OWE your husband! And he shouldn't even keep track.. I am sorry but your husband needs to be reminded of that. Mom's are always made to feel bad, if you wanna sleep in.. Then sleep in!! You deserve it! Hope things work out, don't let him get you down.
T.

It sounds like he feels he has an argument to call you a bad mother because it appears as if you have little time for the kids. Sorry, but he is an ASS! He should share responsibility so you BOTH have time with the children, for yourselves and for each other. He needs to step up and help you out. Meanwhile, try your best to spend one on one quality time with the kids at every stolen moment you have. Try to create a chore schedule and have you kids help during dinner time to create more quality time. Mom, you sound to me like you are doing a great job, and are just lacking your spouse's support. He needs to step up!

I think you deserve some help! What does your husband do on the weekends? Its a 50 50 thing. I am blessed to have a man that helps me out and even asks me what he wants me to do. I have fibromylgia/chronic fatique and he is very understanding. He does get breakfast lunch and dinner too! What would happen if you asked your husband for help and let him know and show him how much you do. I dont think you are a bad Mom or a bad wife. You are great! More power to you for all you do. Your husband needs to wake up smell the coffee and get on the ball and lend you a hand.

Hello L.,

I would have to agree with most of the ladies who have already commented. You need to talk it over with your husband and somehow make him understand that you are already doing more than your fair share and that you need to have some down time. It's so rare that we as mothers ever really get that much time to ourselves and it's so nessesary to get that time. You are doing a great job but need to talk to him about this.

Good Luck!

Hi!
It sounds like you're doing everything you can for your kids and family! I can answer part of your question, but I don't think it's really about money... and wanting to stay in bed and sleep in a little one morning a week DOES not make you a bad mom!!!! Friend of mine is a single mom and she just turns the TV to kid appropriate shows Sat. mornings and lets her kids get themselves some milk and a snack and then they crawl back in bed for awhile... and she often sleeps a little more while they're watching a show or two. You have to do what you need for yourself! It doesn't make you a bad mom!!! If you're questioning what you should give financially, there's a great book called "All Your Worth" and one of the things it talks about is balancing your money... it talks about when one spouse makes more... and one suggestion is that both spouses follow their 50% to needs, 20% to savings/debt and 30% to wants and tells how to categorize items into one of the three categories. But it really seems like the real issue is the resentment between the two of you... and you need to have some talks with your man to get to the bottom of it... good luck and believe in yourself!

Wow - my first reaction to this post was anger. This marriage is clearly not a partnership, and it should be. You could clearly survive without him, and he is obviously abusive. Has he always acted like this (i.e. before hearing loss). Saying that you still owe him is just ridiculous - sounds like he is feeling very insecure/inferior. I hope the advice posted by this community will give you strength to BE a great mom and do what's best for your kids - and the answer may not be to stay with your husband! Good luck.

You sound like a fantastic Mom!!! You are doing plenty.
Don't let him make you feel guilty it sounds like you are balancing everything pretty much on your own and doing a great job at it too. Hang in there Super mom & be strong!

It seems like you are looking for a reality check here. Are you right to be PO'd? Yeah, I'd be mad too. I shared your post with my DH and he asked what was wrong with your husband.

Just guessing, but I'd say you two aren't talking much and that when you are there is a hostile undertone. I don't think you are a bad mom for taking a little time to yourself. Most of us should do a little more of that--we'd all be a little more sane.

But being in the middle of all this tension can't be good for your kids (or for you). It is possible that you are just in a rough patch and letting go of your anger will smooth things over, but that almost never really works. The resentment just goes underground and comes out over weird things.

Since it seems like you two aren't communicating on your own, counseling is the way to go. It also sounds like you could some one to set some ground rules on fighting fair. I don't know who started it, but two comments you report are dirty fighting--meant to hurt rather trying to communicate. Calling a bad mom, and you mentioning that you make more money than he does (about as hard for most men as telling a woman she's fat and ugly).

Every one sooner or later has some stuff to work out in their marriage. It isn't easy--this whole being married thing can really be a lot of work.

Wow, L.! Obviously every marriage is different and the key is finding a balance where BOTH parties feel like the work load is fair and equitable. But if you're asking about how your efforts compare to my own, I'll just say that you're definitely carrying more than what I do in my own marriage, and I've never been called a slacker! Best of luck in finding a way to discuss this with your husband.

Okay, okay, okay. First of all, you know you're a fantastic wife in regards to all that you do, right? Second of all, from what you've written you don't seem to do anything that says to me you would even remotely be a bad mom. Third of all, what in the heck does your husband even do since it seems you do it all? Okay so let's say we go with his reasoning (as dumb as it sounds) then after one year, which it sounds like you've already passed, you've re-paid your "debt" since you oh-please stayed home the first year. Tell him you're "even" and to pitch in......NOW. I was tired just reading all you do. What make a mom a bad mom is someone who neglects her children or puts them in harms way. Do you do this? If the answer is no, then rest assured and take your rest that you so deserve. And I hope that your relationship is not an abusive one. If so, there is help out there for you. I wish you the best of luck!

Hold the phone. . . you work, make more money than he does, pay for almost everything, do all the chores, take care of the children. Tell me again what he does?

First, establish a household account where you both contribute money to cover household expenses equally. Second, you need to establish some guidelines on who's doing what. It would be different if you weren't working outside the home, then you could pick up more of the work at home. But since you're both working and they are both your children, you need to insist that he help at home. It's his home and family, too. You didn't do this by yourself.

If he's coming to terms with his disease, then cut him some slack, but it sounds as if he had no understanding of how a relationship should work even before that.

Good luck!

You sound like a good wife to me...you deserve to sleep in on the weekends!

You shouldn't give anything. You two need to share everything. sounds like he is feeling inferior to you.
Sometime us wife's need to do things that help make the man feel like a man. Men need to feel needed and superior its the way God made them. It's a good thing.
Let him know money doesn't matter as long as you have him around to protect and take care of you and the kids and perhaps point out some good qualities of his.
Just a suggestion. Best wishes with everything.
As far as a bad or good mother ask yourself, Are you teaching your children how to survive in the world? How to deal with everyday life? showing them unconditional love?

you need to take time for your self .it gives you a renewal of self and the you give more of your self. but you should really talk to your husband because it takes two to do all there is to do for childeren and family. so you will find your self resenting doing it all and this can lead to problems.you are a good mom .now that you are both working again you need to share in household duties it make you a team good luck S.

Sounds like your husband is feeling bad about himself because you are the higher earner and do much more than he. Does he really say you"owe" him? What is there about owing in a marriage partnership?

Sounds like you two need some marriage counseling quickly to heal a lot of bad feelings and get yourselves back where you want to be.

Good luck if you want to save your marriage. How old are the children? I hope they are not being hurt by the obvious bad feelings and conflict and criticism you are hearing and maybe they are hearing too.

Best of luck to you!! N.

Hi L.!

Gosh, if you are a bad mom for wanting to sleep in on the weekend then someone has to put me away!! It truly amazes me what we women are capable of juggling - its just amazing. I worked for the first three years of our marriage while my husband finished up law school and studied for the bar - now he works while I take care of our two children (under the age of two) I started my own accounting office about six months ago. There are weekends where I dont get out of bed until 11:00!!!!! My husband takes the kids and feeds them, plays with them, does everything and not once says that I need to get out of bed to do other things! You NEVER have to think that you are a bad mom!!! You sound like you are an amazing woman managing a whole household and you DESERVE your time!!!!!!

TELL THAT MAN THAT ALTHOUGH YOU DO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE, HE IS NOT ONE OF THEM!!! Lordy!!! Does he think you're HIS mother too? Split the bills 50/50 and don't allow him to benefit from one red cent of what income you make above his, until he is willing to split the workload 50/50!!! That will teach him!
I was actually in the same situation myself (carrying ALL the work and being the dominent income) although my loved one never called me a bad wife or mother for wanting to relax on weekends. Rather, he criticized me as being a "home-body" "anti-social" etc., because come the weekend my first priority wasn't to make the neighborhood bbq, but rather to rest and rejuvinate for the coming week - and also to get the housework, grocery shopping, laundry, and other prep work done so that the following work week would roll as smoothly as possible.
What has helped for us is that my loved one has been laid off 3 times in this current recession. Each time he was home for up to 6 months, and each time I worked with him to get him to learn how to be domestic. He is currently laid off again and this time the kiddies are no longer in full time daycare (believe it or not, he was so spoiled that in his previous layoffs he didn't even spare our family the expense of full time daycare and take the initiative to watch his own kids!), and this time he is also learning how to cook the family's evening meal, including setting the table and clearing the kitchen afterwards. He has been "trained" to spend the first 2-3 hours of his day doing the routine pick up and cleaning that needs to be done each day. When he does go back to work he is in construction trades so normally he gets home at 3:30 pm and I'm not home until 6:30 pm - so I look forward to how him learning how to cook during this layoff period is going to benefit us in the long term when I will no longer have to rush home, pick up kids from daycare just as the doors are closing at 6pm, come in the door at 6:30 p.m., and immediately start cooking dinner for a man who has been sitting on his duff doing nothing for 3 hours!!!
Cut his purse strings, and insist that if he wants to share the financial benefits of his relationship with you, he needs to also share in the responsibilities for the care of your children, family, and home!!! If he doesn't respond like you'd like him to, then use the tiem where you are completely in charge of your own money to start saving and getting accustomed to the lifestyle your income will provide for you when you leave him... start getting a picture for yourself of what your life would be like... and go!!!

I feel very sad for you if your husband is telling you that you owe him for that first year, or even after! Marriage is not supposed to be about money, but we are in modern times. It should be fair. It seems to me that you are doing a lot & then some! If he is really counting that first year, then you should calculate how much more you make than he does. You should also calculate the cost of everything you do - taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. If he or anyone else is telling you that you are a bad wife, then it sounds almost abusive to me if you've had enough of it. Sorry, but this is upsetting.

You are not a bad mom. You do way more than most moms or wives do. Your husband is wrong to critisize you at all. It sounds to me like you are an incredible woman. So sleep in and lounge around on weekends. Alot of moms dont even get up before 10 am. You are not a bad mom.

L.,
I can completely relate to you and your story.. Almost exactly word for word. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! Maybe next time he says something you can respond with "well if I am a bad mom on the weekends then YOU are a bad father ALL week!
Unfortunately, my husband and I separated before we both realized that things needed to change. (6weeks later) We decided to stay in the marriage and work through things.. I am not saying to separate; it was the hardest thing for my daughter and I; however things have been great since. I work and he stays with her for the summer (our business slowed ). He cleans the house and does laundry, well he tries and I learned to complement his actions and he will continue to try.
I walk in and say “wow babe the house looks great! There are always going to be "my way" to clean the house but I am just satisfied with the help. We work together, he cleans the bathtub and I give her a bath. If he wants dinner he has things picked out and on the counter and sometimes we cook together.. We share the dishes and other things.. We talk about the things that I am ok with cleaning and things that he agrees to clean. On the weekends there are times I need to sleep in and there are times he needs the sleep. We work together and agree. The problem with most situations is that neither wants to do it all, but one has conditioned the other. You have to break that cycle, ask for his help.. Give the kids a bath and yell for him to bring the towels. Me and my husband have an ongoing joke with the towels.. We always make the other bring a towel when showering and one time he brought me a wash cloth so I made him dry me with it.. make it FUN!
If he wants to be able to use the lock on our bedroom door at night he better let me get my beauty sleep and help out (hint hint). Marriage is a partnership not a slave driven contract! TALK that is the only way you are going to work through this. Don't make it about money or who stayed home first or who owes who.. make it about you and him! Oh one more thing you can try.. STOP doing everything for 2-3 days and watch how things will suddenly change.. I know that is hard for most people but try it.
Good luck and God Bless!

You are totally not a bad Mom! I would tell your husband he needs to start pulling his weight around there.....that is ridiculous. If I were u, and I could afford it, I would hire a house cleaner, and start doing less, and use that time to spend with your kids! You are not a bad wife either, he is lucky that you are putting up with his behavior! I hope that things work out for you, maybe you guys could go to counseling together or something that might help the issue. Maybe there are some other underlying issues that are causing his behavior.

Hi L.,

No, you are not a bad mom. You are a mom in need of some rest and there is nothing wrong with doing that on a Saturday morning. I don't want to get into husband bashing, but he really has to get past the whole first year thing. That sounds like it has come and gone a long time ago and now he needs to mature some and start helping you. You need to have serious conversation about this before you burn out. God bless.

I'm sorry for this but your husband is a jerk! He should be helping out with the cleaning, the kids and everything else. Are you superwoman? You need some ME time and it doesn't make you a bad wife or mother. Your husband should be chipping in at least with half of everything.

My thought is time for marriage counseling...

It sounds like your husband is putting you down to make himself feel more important. Sounds to me like you can do it all without him in the picture at all and he's feeling like less of a man about it and ripping you up. What a jerk. You are not a bad mom at all and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

you are a good mom who provides for her children. you sound like youre repeating my life, thats exactly my routine. YOU DONT OWE YOUR HUSBAND ANYTHING!!! marriage isnt about owing, or who is better than who. your husband should just know that he should be doing more regardless of anything, its for your children. once children are brought into this world, its no longer about the parent. its common sense. have a good life, love & laugh about everything!..... love your children good mom!

Irrespective of who makes more money (non-issue in my mine), you do a whole hell of a lot.

To be a great mom and WIFE, you need to take a little time to yourself. If you need a little down time on Sat. mornings, take it. You could take the weekend off and hand the helm over to dad.

BTW, if he brings up that you didn't work the 1st year, you were. He wasn't carrying around the love child. Toss in that he needs to pay in advance for all the services you are going to have to provide once he's too old to care for himself. That happens pretty early for guys, doesn't it? Afterall, 't men peek in their 20s. Right?

Seriously, if you two keep tabs on how much and how often, you're both going to miss the now. Work together. OR take my approach, stop doing it all and let the cards fall where they may. Sometimes the best learned lessons are ones learned through experience.

Stephanie

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I have to say I don't know why you are married to this man?!? But this post and your previous ones tell me that you have little to no confidence to know that you are a well-managing single parent already.
Please get help immediately, for your safety and that of your family!!!

Sending you P&PTs

I agree 100% with Kate B.

sounds to me like you're doing a great job and above and beyond. it's your husband who seems to have the problem. make a list of what you did when you weren't working (i.e. cooking, cleaning, managing the home, shopping, etc.) and give him a bill for fair market value of the services. i'll bet he pitches in real soon or shuts up about it. if he doesn't then, split the expenses. you're suppose to be partners, right! you deserve to take care of you too. if momma ain't happy, nobody's happy. take care of you. : )

N.

Hi L.,

No, you are not a bad mom. You sound perfect to me. Every marriage is different, but you do not owe him for not working for a year. I do almost all the work at my house, even when I'm working (unemployed for a year now), except for the car and mowing the front lawn, because my husband is depressed/lazy (hard to tell!) and he's always been that way. When I got married, my father told me not to try to change a man, he would have to make those changes on his own. But it was hard for me, because my dad always (even in the fifties and sixties) did 50% of the housework, even though my mom didn't work until I was 14. And when I worked (55 hours a week) when he was unemployed, it was difficult to get him to cook dinner. However, he never said I owed him, and he always gave me time to myself. I really think that your husband needs to work on recovering from his disease, and get something done about his hearing if possible. You might try counseling, although in my experience, if he doesn't want to change, he won't. But you are not being a bad mom by staying in bed on the weekends. Is he being an inconsiderate and disappointing husband? Yes, but he probably won't ever see that... And if he doesn't see that you are actually a perfect wife, too, he's really having perception problems.

E.

I was in your position three years ago and guess where it got me? A shockingly unexpected premature heart attack. By all means, take ALL the time you need to relax on those weekend mornings and don't feel the slightest bit guilty -- your body is telling you it needs that. Give it what it needs or it will fail you, and then you won't be able to be there for your kids at all.

I also strongly recommend counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. Someone that can help you look out for you is critical, and you'll learn some coping techniques that will help with the stress. Good luck!

You definitely do have a problem. If your husband is calling you a "bad wife", either something else is seriously wrong in your marriage that doesn't have to do with the kids or financing, or he has some serious issues (depression maybe?). Or was this his personality before you married him and had kids??? If it's not his "normal" personality, then read up and/or talk to a doctor about depression. Marriage counseling is not going to help much if untreated depression is a factor. If this is his normal personality, then I'm very sorry for you. Marriage counseling may help, but he would have to be willing to work at changing (rather than continue to blame you.) That doesn't sound likely to me. You'd have to take a long hard look at your life, and if you are happy, and what's best for you and the kids... Good luck!

sounds like you think there is a significant problem with the lack of balance in your relationship. this does not make you a bad wife or a bad mother, but can you explain why you are continuing to suffer when, frankly, you've heard you're a bad wife enough? if you are raising the children in a relationship where you and your husband are bitter business partners then they are going to use this pattern for their own relationships-right or wrong. is this what you want for them?
not trying to be harsh, or judegmental. goodness knows my own relationship needs work. just trying to give you pause to think.

I don't think you are a bad Mom at all. I am wondering what makes your husband think that you "owe him". You don't owe him anything. Not only did you carry and give birth to the children (ha ha) you are a partnership; you don't "owe" the other. You don't sound bad to me at all; it sounds like it's the OPPOSITE.

Holy moly L. - you sound like a SUPER mom and it sounds like the problem is your husband. Your only fault would be letting him get away with not respecting you.

I too take time for myself on the weekend. Every Sunday I stay in bed with my husband and watch the Sunday Morning show on CBS until 8:30 and then some days do not get out of bed until 9 am. Also, there are those occasional days on the weekend when I don't get dressed until noon!

Taking time for yourself to watch TV, read or work on a hobby is not a crime as long as the needs of the children are being met. There have been times on our lazy Sunday mornings that me or my husband will get up to turn on the TV for our 4 year old or pour cereal.

You need to discuss with your husband how you feel that you do not have "you time" and that your preference is to take it all at once on Saturday...sleeping in and watching TV because you don't have the time during the week. Let him know that Saturday mornings are his special alone time with his children...that he should play outside or watch cartoons with them or take them to the park or out for donuts, breakfast or smoothies. He will build a good bond with them doing something special alone with them on Saturday mornings while you have a little time to yourself. It is SO hard for us moms to take time and not feel guilty...keep up your lazy Saturday mronings so that you do not get burnt out. Remember that an overworked, exhausted mom cannot possibly do a great job. Take care!

Hi,

Sounds like you have three children - one very spoiled and perhaps jealous of your attention to the (actual) children. I would seriously consider marriage counseling and soon..you deserve some free time at least some time that you are not IT......

Hi, you are not a bad mom first of all. I don't know if this is a good way to deal with your hubby because I've never tried it but there are studies that show how much a wife is worth. Maybe you can add up your worth from the first pregnancy based on what chores you did versus how much he earned and include any tax benefits he got from being married and then do the same for the second pregnancy and for the current situation. Then you can see who owes who. C

You are very strong and you don't even know it! how can you keep on doing it all? I mean physically, it's hard work! I know you are driven by the love for your family, but you need to leave some room for him to pitch in and help! leave some things undone and ask for his help in a nice way. You are truly amazing, you don't seem to be a bad mom, and why do you pay for most everything? It just doesn't sound fair. I'm curious as to what does your husband does while you are so busy? I can relate to you (working, grocery shopping, all the cleaning, cooking,) but I used to work less hours, my husband lost his job a couple of months ago and now he's been helping everyday with dishes, putting kids to bed at night, laundry, clean garage etc... Be wise, create the physical and emotional rest you deserve. Have your say, talk with him and be proud of all you do. Feel free to get in touch. God bless.

L., you poor thing, you are an outstanding wife, and he is not worthy. Marriage is a team, and he is clearly not a team player. Just because you like to relax on weekends does not make you a bad mommy. I advise you to get into Marriage couciling, as you need some professional guidence.
He needs to step up or step out. At the end of the day, what is he good for? You do everything it sounds, and he has the nerve to complain?
Best of luck and biggest hugs,
M.

You owe him? Wow that is crazy! Sounds to me like you do it all. I don't think anyone would think you are a bad mom. Maybe if he would pitch in a little during the week you wouldn't be so exausted and he would get some time with his wife. If I could stay in bed until 10 I would too! Don't feel bad at all. You deserve some time to yourself and to relax! Take care!

OMG you don't OWE that guy ANYTHING!!!!!!!!you have given him a beautiful wife, an organized home,two beautiful children, and no financial worries!!!! i'm sorry but he is really being a jerk! he should be helping you 50/50!!!(it never is!) you are not a bad wife and CERTAINLY NOT a bad mother! i hope you have some really good friends and i hope you know how to be good to yourself because he sure isn't doing it!!! you are giving plenty and he is taking taking taking...NOT OK!!!

Well L., based on what you posted, I think your husband is a jerk. No one owes anyone in a marriage... it's supposed to be a partnership.

You, on the other hand sound like an awesome mom!

It sounds like your husband is just burned up about you making more money than him. You are probably a great mom and wife but he wants you to feel bad so he feels better about making less money than you do. Everyone needs a little time for themselves so you shouldn't feel bad about watching TV on the weekends. You don't owe him anything. Sure, you didn't work for the first year but you were busy making a person! You are not his servant and he shouldn't make you feel like one. You are a very important part of a team and he needs to pick up his part of the load. I hope you stop feeling guilty about taking a little time for yourself because it sounds like you work very hard.

Well, I'm trying to think of a way to be nice. It seems your husband is either resentful about something or just not a nice man. In our time (the 21st century) you should not be doing everything. Even my husband who was raised by a mother who did most everything in the home and worked also helps quite a bit around the house.

I was a working mom, until it became too much for me. Now I'm a stay at home mom. When I was working, I took the "morning shift." Wake up, feed, get dressed, etc. He took the evening--when he came home from work, he helped keep our son occupied while I was making dinner, then did bathtime and bedtime.

I do the shopping, and I do most of the housework which I hate, so I hired someone to come in once a week to help. Even after I quit, he has supported me in helping to keep my cleaning lady every other week.

Financially, we are stretched very thin, but he sees how much less stressed I am. When I've had it, he notices and helps with things like putting dishes in the dishwasher and helping with laundry. We take turns with yardwork. Our home will never be in Better Homes and Gardens, but we are comfortable.

I don't feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING--neither should you.

BTW, Before children, my husband put me through 6 years of college. He has never said anything about it.

You are not a bad wife or mother. You sound as if you are just stretched to thin. Your husband should be helping you more. And if you haven't already hired someone to help, if you can, do it.

Hi L., DID YOU PICK THE WRONG CATEGORY???

NO it doesn't sound like you are a bad mom. Do you think your husband is a bad dad?

You know what, you’ve been there longer then you think and you are in more trouble then you know.

You sound like you do everything and would like a break on your days off (which you DESERVE.

Don’t put too much emphasis on who earns the most $$$, it is usually the man who feels like he doesn’t need to do much around the house if he earns the most $$$, or he feels less of a man if he doesn’t earn the most $$$.

You mentioned children, so do you have twins + another child? How many years have you been together?

If you BOTH are interested in your marriage and keeping your family together, better STOP counting WHO did WHAT and WHO owes WHOM?

Sit down and divide up the responsibilities and both of you need to pay attention to each other’s needs and the needs of your children, as equally as possible.

What do I think? Doesn’t matter. Do you still love your husband and does he still love you? Do both of you want to maintain your family and have a happy marriage? If so take another look at the paragraph above.

As for the weekend bathing ritual….maybe the two of you should shower together.

Blessings……

My gosh youre not a bad mom. I am in a similar situation, for 20 years now. I wished I had seen the big picture earlier on in my life. You need to have some ME time. Some men are in the me, myself and I mode so much it is disgusting. The little pleasures you want are nothing, he should be happy that you don't want to go out and party down with the girls. Hang in there.....SF

Dear L.,
You are not a bad mom. For heaven's sake...that's what days off and weekends are for...being a little lazy once in a while. I cherish the days I know the alarm clock won't be blaring and I don't have to hit the floor running. It never killed either one of my kids. (Or my husband when I was married).
As far as you owing your husband....Ummmmm, No.
That's not how it works.

I know my kids actually enjoy days when you don't have to run, run, run, rush, rush, rush.
It doesn't hurt a thing. You deserve and need a little "chill" time now and then. The world will not end. I promise.

Best wishes!

I think you are an amazing woman who is married to an emotionally abusive man. Either he gets over himself and gets some help, or leave his butt. You are already doing all the work of a single parent--why on earth would you continue to support another child??

Wow, you mean, you like to take some time to yourself in the mornings?!??!? Of course you should!!! Sounds like you work hard and you deserve it. It bothers me that your husband says you owe him for not working that first year. Are you kidding me! I stay at home with my 2 boys (for almost 4yrs now). If my husband ever said I owed him, or thought my life was easy, he would be crazy. He obviously has some sort of issue with you being home in the past. Sorry, that would make me very angry.
Anyway, I dont think you are in the wrong at all. Take the time for yourself when you can. Thats how we stay sane. Gotta get it when you can!!! Good luck girl!

It sounds like you more than do your share. There was nothing in your statement that would lead me to believe you are a bad mom; quite the opposite. You make most of the money, pay all the bills, do all the housework, get the kids ready for school. What else is there? It sounds like the problem is with your husband's self esteem. Do not take his self-esteem problems on as your own. Try to speak with him about counseling for himself or better both of you. If he wont go, go yourself. It will help more than you can imagine. I will pray for you and your family. Good luck.
P.

hello dear L.,

been there! it is all about self valuing, self-adoring, self-tenderness and self love. until you know that you deserve to rest after such a week of doing it all, you will wonder what is right. it is only you who can know, do and say what is right-action according to your higher knowledge inside you , your heart knowing and deep feeling. he is doing you a karmic favor to help you get it. so, just get it, treat yourself lovingly. he will either follow suit (with an adjustment period) or he will not, in which case you will need to decide what you are getting by staying at that point, and be at choice and not a victim.

best wishes!

A. m

Hi L.. I usually don't write responses because my time is limited on the computer. I have a two month old baby and I log on to get info on this great site. Anyway, I have to comment after reading yours.

YOU ARE a GREAT MOM!!!! I don't do half of what you do. And when I was pregnant I didn't do much at all. I did not clean or cook. My husband did it all. Even though you did not work, you and your body went through a lot because of the pregnancy. Don't let your husband tell you otherwise. If you believe him than you need to examine what would happen if you were gone for just one day. Your home will be a complete diaster because you are the glue holding it together. I'm sorry but your husband needs to wake up and appreciate what a loving wife and mother you are!!!! Good luck!!!!

I remember getting up from a nap and going downstairs to see my mom eating a sandwich and chips and watching soaps and looking relaxed. It's so funny I remember that! I wished she looked like she was enjoying her time more often.
You sounds like a very hard working mom!

L., Are you conern about being a bad mom? or a bad wife? in my opinion you are a wonderful mom!!!!. only one thing, it is not about me or anybody's for that matter. you need to communicate this to the kids. explain to them how you will like to have some lazy time around the house during the days you don't work. kids are very understanding, they will probably help spoild you.

as for what you are feeling towards your husband, you need to go to God in prayer. tell Him whats on your mind and listen in silence for answer from HIM (GOD). dive into the bible. read your bible. it will also be very nice to read books on trouble marriage.

Don't forget to discuss with the man you told,... for better, for worse and I DO. discuss your fellings. cummunication is very important. when you are tired and wornout, things you used to enjoy doing seems like so much trouble at times.

PS I will remember you and your family in my prayers.

E. Dey