Crying When Things Don't Go Your Way

Hi T.,
Both of my girls went through this stage. Thank goodness they got over it! In the car, the louder they got, the louder the radio got! I can't believe I never got a ticket for noise pollution! At home, we also sent them to their rooms or outside depending on the weather.
I don't have any boys, but I still think it's a girl thing. I swear my oldest is gonna win an academy award for drama! Just hang in there and don't give her an inch. She'll give it up because it isn't working.

Good Luck!
K.

My daughter was about 3 when she did that... I couldn't take it any more so one day when I picked her up from daycare, we came home, walked in the door and I dropped everything in my arms (purse, keys, phone, mail, etc.) on the floor and proceeded to throw my own crying fit - sat indian style on the floor whining and crying (realistic like). She slowly walked over and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Mommy, what's wrong with you??"
I dried it up and answered her - "does what I just did look very pretty?"
Her: no.
Me: could you understand what I wanted while I was crying?
Her: no.
Me: did me crying and throwing a fit make you want to give me whatever I wanted?
Her: no.
Me: That is what you look like and sound like when you throw a fit. I cannot help you if I cannot understand what it is that you need or want. It certainly doesn't look very pretty - does it?
Her: no.

I've not had any major fits like that since - and we've instituted the "use your words" policy. And also a "gathering time" - if she starts to have a melt down, like on no-nap days, I ask her if she would like to sit down and try to gather herself and calm down a bit and talk to me about whatever the problem is.

This has seemed to work pretty well.

Good Luck!

Let her cry it out. Find a spot that you designate at the time out spot, and make sure she stays THERE and throws her hissy fit. Take back control, T..
You can't help her in the car, so you'll have to let her have her session. Ignore her. I know, screaming is hard to ignore, but either she finds what she wants herself or you'll never get home. Don't even BUDGE until she is sitting like a good girl. Tell her ahead of time this is not acceptable stuff and stop the car every time she starts in.
If she doesn't like WHO picks her up, so that's just too bad. You're allowing her to control you.
Wednesday nights, when Supernanny is on, you can pick up some great parenting tips for unruly kids. Make sure they have enough interesting stuff for in the car, so you have a peaceful trip. It isn't a boy or girl thing; this is a kid thing. There's an imbalance and they're reacting to it. Make a rewards poster. Good behavior all week long in the car, and they get to pick dessert. Set standards; so many points per week gets a gold star per day. So many gold stars gets the reward. Get her involved. But this way you're taking over the situation.

Best of luck!

Check out an excellent website on parenting. It's very old-fashioned, but time has proven that the old-fashioned ways still work! I have a whiny daughter of 5 and a crying son of 2. I'm very old-fashioned myself, but I know it works, and they are secure and happy children as a result. The website is: www.nogreaterjoy.org
You might not agree with everything there, as I don't myself, but it's worth reading, and the Pearl's speak from a life-long of success with their own five children and families that have implemented their ideas speak highly of their success, too.

I have 5 children of my own ranging from 8-2 years old. I am a stay at home mom and wife of 9 years to my best friend and husband.

Hope this helps.

wow. isn't it fun?! my daughter will be 3 in a couple weeks and she tries this with me and more often with her soft hearted daddy. but, i've resorted to time outs in her bed for whining and crying about everything. i just tell her that it's not nice and no one wants to hear her act like that and if she wants to have a fit to do it by herself. usually works and she stops, sometimes she spends 5-10 minutes in her room and comes out and says "mommy, i'm done crying now!" makes me feel mean, but i do need my sanity. the idea of having your own tantrum could work, i know my mom tried it on my little brother when he was 2 or 3 and it worked on him. best of luck!

Don't think its a boy / girl thing...
My now 6 yr old Daughter wasn't very emotional, but my almost 4 yr old son is the boo hooer...
We always tell them that "we don't need that"- and then send them to their room "until you are done". They figure out when they are done. Usually they are done by the time they hit the top of the stairs. But we still make them walk all the way to their bedroom...
The main thing is consistancey. You have to do it EVERYTIME... And when your not at home, ask if they need to go to their room when you get home...
Stay strong and don't waver. She's trying to figure out her emotions and how to use them (to her advantage of course). It will take time, patience, and maybe some ear plugs. But you are not the only parents driving down the road with a siren in your back seat...
With my son it seems like it took about 6 months before he really got the whole idea of we don't need that (and don't want to hear it either). Just wait... After the crying over nothing comes the whining. :-)
Good luck and strength to you!

Are you talking about my daughter??? I think I have the same child.

I dont think it is a girl boy thing.. BUT my daughter is highly emotional.. my son is not. She has been this way since she was born.. Noisy things (the blender etc.) scared her and she would cry for the longest time... she was very hard to comfort. When things scare my son - he crawls away from then.. but usually doesnt cry.

We use a crying chair.. it is downstairs but in another room-----She has to sit on the crying chair when she is crying for no reason. Sometimes we call it the whining chair- she also sits there whenshe is whiny..

The bedroom wouldnt work for us.. as she loves her bed and especially the pacifiers that are still in her bed.

I am not sure these kids outgrow it.. they just might be drama queens there entire life.. It will be tough for me to deal with as I am pretty calm.. My husbands family is more high strung.. I blame his genes for her personality.

My kids (9, 7, and 4) haven't done this a lot, but when they did it was often due to a lack of sleep. It is a lot harder for them to deal with things when they are tired. You could try getting her to bed a little earlier and see if that makes a difference.

B.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing.
Mom of 2 and 4 year old girls.

Don't cave. Stick to what you said.
send to room until finished even if you have to take them there.

Hi, a parent educator told me to give my son his comfort object (a blanket for him) and tell him he has 1 minute to work it out with blanket (my son is only 16 months, the time will increase as he gets older). I set the timer on the microwave and after 1 minute, I ask him if he is done. He is usually done or becomes distracted by the timer beeping (I let him help me turn it off for another distraction). As a PP said, being tired will escilate the situation and they are also trying to figure out how to regulate their emotions. Does she have a comfort object? Perhaps you can bring that with you everywhere (keep it in the car) and when she has a melt down, give her time to work it out. As you said, ignoring the behavior, once you give her the object or set the time, is important. Since kids can't always differentiate between positive and negative attention, giving her attention during a fit is feeding the fire. I hope this helps.

Hello T., Your daughter sounds just like my oldest. I actually took mine to a child therapist at 3 yrs old, thinking that maybe there was a problem. And I read many books on parenting. What I learned was that it boiled down to my parenting style that clashed with her very strong personality. When I changed, she did also. For the better I might add. Here are a few things that I learned. Don't try to reason with her. She is the child and you are the parent. There should never be any negotiation about who is in charge. Never give attention when she is having a fit. Talking to her is a reward. Looking at her is a reward. Pretend she is not there. You will have to have the patience of a saint, because when you stop responding to her tantrums she with increase the fits 10 fold at first. When she realizes that she is no longer getting any attention for her fits, she may even try having accidents in her pants for attention. Simply tell her that if she can't use the big girl potty then she is still a baby and put a diaper back on her. The consistancy is very important. She needs to be able to predict with 100% assurance that A will equal B. There are two books that I would recommend, the first is "Making Children Mind, without losing yours" by Kevin Leman. The other is by Super Nanny. I'm not sure of the title. But personal responcablity is the key. Give her the choice of two things. This will help her feel like she has some control in her life. What ever she choses she is forced to stick with. Example: Two outfits layed out in the morning. What ever one she picks she must keep on all day. If she doesn't want either one than she loses the privalege of chosing, so chose for her. If she throws a fit over your choice than she should be force to stay in her PJ's all day.(Yes even at day care.) Food, she can chose to eat or not eat. But she cannot have any thing else to eat until the next meal. If she complains put the responsability back on her, by saying that she chose not to eat, now maybe she will make better choices at the next meal. Hold her accountable. If she has something to look forward to this will give you some leverage. What I did with my 3 children (who were 1 1/2 years apart) was take them to the playground in the evening.(or McD's in the winter) so they could burn off energy, and so I had something to encourage them with. When you pick her up from day care, and she is having a fit, then she loses the privalige to play. Also my car never moved if one of the kids didn't have their seat belt on, or they were having a fit. I didn't talk to them except to say why the car was pulling over. Then I waited(sometimes a very long time). When the fit was over with , then the car could move.(if you need to stand outside of the car for you own sanity, then do so.) The kids hated this. They didn't like making their stay in the car longer. But I always held them accountable. If you don't get your daughter to respect you and your husband at this stage, then the teenage years will be terrable. The two of you need to be on the same page with each other, so she can't play you against each other. She is a smart cookie. And she is playing the adults in her life like a fiddle. Just remember that everything should come back to bite her in the rear everytime she acts up.(I don't believe in corporal punishment) When it has a negitive effect on her personaly, she will learn that she is in charge of punishing herself. Isn't this the way the real works for us as adults? If I chose not to cook dinner, than who will feed me? If I don't do my laundry will my mommy come and do it for me?(I never had a mother in my childhood). You are preparing her for her future. Hang in there, it does get better. The entire family will benifit from the changes. Give her extra attention when she is being good, sence this is what she really is trying to get with the bad behavior. And make sure she is getting lots of sleep. My daughter is 25 and still gets grouchy, vocal and hyper when tired. Good luck.

I have a good story about this...when my youngest was that age she started doing that at the grocery store, one "no" and she ws a basket case. I told her if there was any crying or whining about anything at the store we would go home immediately and she would not be able to go with me anymore. Of course she cried and whined the next trip to the store, I LEFT MY CART and took her home. She missed out on the next few trips, but never did it again. Good Luck!

Did your 5 year old do the same? My daugter is 2 1/2, and is going through the same thing. Everything I've read or been told is above in what you've already tried. For us, distractions, positive reinforcement, and patience (on my end) have been the best way to cope. The only other thing is to remember, "This too shall pass." If you find a magic wand, though, please send it my way when you're finished!!! ;o)

We were having a similar issue with our four year old. I in distress suggested she use a comfort object (not having been told that before but knowing that she used it to teeth with so it should work), it did the job. Now she does not even always need it when she gets upset if it is not near by she holds herself as if she has it in her hand and calms herself down. It works wonders, just tell her she needs to calm herself down and she sits down starts to breathe and she is fine usually with in a minute or two.