Crying - Walnut,CA

Look for books on "spirited kids." Lots on amazon. Kiddo may just be a lot more intense than his peers and these books give you some ideas on coping mechanism for you and kiddo.

Anytime a child or a Parent feels at wit's-end or unable to cope with a circumstance/behavior.... its time to consult your Pediatrician... and really discuss it with him/her. And maybe see a specialist.

My daughter has a classmate like that, almost exactly. And all the other kids complains about this kid being that way too, in school. It is disruptive having it happen in school. But, I don't know what his "problem" is.... since it is a private matter.... but I do believe he is getting some kind of counseling. I don't know why.

For a mere 6 year old... they don't have coping skills yet either... maybe something is just really really genuinely affecting him, and he doesn't know nor is able to understand and/or is unable to express it. Sometimes they even get depressed.

Regardless, I think its time to seek a Professional's evaluation.
Your poor son, I"m sure its real hard for him too... and of course for the entire family.

All the best,
Susan

I also have an "emotional" 6 yr old son. One thing I find that has helped in the past (when he had just turned 5 I decided I was going to put a stop to it.) is settin boundries and make sure he knows what is expected of him. I don't know how you react when your son starts to cry, but what I do is tell him when he starts taring up that he has nothing to cry over and that his behavior is unexceptable. If he gets goin I send him to his room to calm himself down. Yes it has made us late a handful of time, but eventually ihs crying got less and less often. He still sometimes gets goin, and we just send him to his room, and then talk to him about why he was upset after he is done crying. Good Luck!

Hi E.! I'm in a similar boat ;) Both my 2 & 4 year olds whine up a storm regardless of the fact that we do NOT give in to them, we speak calmly while telling them that whinning is inappropriate and have reiterated time and again that they will NOT get what they want by whinning. We have plenty of boundaries and guess what? Our kids still test them all the time. So for all the people who wrote in that whinning only happens when you are permissive w/your kids, you are WRONG. All kids are different and some just have the whinning knack down & will continue to try long after others give up. My kids also get great comments back from their pre-school teacher as to their behavior and the whinning does seem to be reserved just for their Dad & me. Lucky us :) In our case I think the kids think that if they keep trying to whine we might cave in. We never do, but they STILL TRY. I say hang in there Mama! Stick to your guns and don't give in. Believe me, plenty of older teachers, parents & grandparents have assured me that this IS normal behavior (contrary to some of the people who responded to your post) You are simply laying the foundation for good behavior now. It may take longer than you had hoped for it to sink in, so keep telling him that whinning will not help, won't get him what he wants and is not acceptable. Then go have a margarita & pray he figures it out soon. ;)
Good Luck!!!!

Whew! Three years! It is time for some kind of change.
I have been a special ed teacher and there is a possibility of sensory issues, but I think the key is if your son behaves this way at school, or with other people. Is whining and crying seen by everyone everywhere, or just at home with family?
If it is mostly at home, then it may really be a behavior you son has learned to use effectively just with family. It has been going on so long, that even if your son wanted to change the habit is now ingrained. (Your response pattern as well.) It will take some work on everyone's part to alter it. You might want to invest some time and money in professional consultation, or at least reading on your own and planning a new strategy.
Good luck with a hard issue.

It sounds like this is a control issue. He feels that he has little or no control over his life - and truthfully, he doesn't - and this is the only way he knows to express that frustration. He's trying to make himself feel better (won't work), and trying to manipulate the adults (will work, if the adults are so desperate to get him to stop that they do anything in hopes of making that happen.)

Generally, what happens is that parents become so desperate to stop the noise that they spend an extraordinary amount of effort trying to get the child to be happy. They say things like, "But the blue shirt is your favorite! Are you sure? OK, what about the green one? OK, OK, yellow is nice. Well, you have to pick one!" Meanwhile, he gets more and more frustrated because he still doesn't feel in control, he feels "handled."

Ironically, the way to help him is to quit spending so much time throwing options at him. When getting dressed, set out two choices, maybe 3. Tell him he has 5 minutes to choose. If he hasn't chosen by then, tell him that YOU will choose. Then LEAVE the room. For a few days, he'll drag and drag and avoid choosing. When you come in to chose, he'll scream and throw a tantrum, but at that point just say, "I'm choosing." Soon, he'll learn that it's to his advantage to choose on his own. Then he'll feel more in control, and eventually, the crying will decrease. It's a hard habit to break.

Use the same system for all choices. Give him 2 or 3 options and a time limit, or you will take over. ("You can shower now, or after you pick up your toys. If you don't choose, I'll put you in the tub when it works for me.") Then don't let his howling change your mind!

Good luck! Hang in there!

i highly recommend you get a book called Positive Discipline. I'm sorry that I forgot the author's name. But it was actually written for teachers in the classroom. However, there are valuable advice for disciplining children in general.

But the basic goal of the book is to help you teach your child to take responsibility for his own actions and accept 'LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES' for not adhering to those responsibilities.

here's an example, your child is always late to school in the morning because he takes a long time to get ready. Instead of nagging and getting upset and constantly telling him he needs to hurry up, stop whining...etc. You first establish a time to sit down together and come to an understanding as to what is expected in the morning. Let him know the "logical consequences" that when we take a long time to get ready, the consequences could be: a) we don't have to time to eat breakfast, b) we are late to school and may miss recess because we waste our teachers time by coming in late etc.

Then lets say, the next morning he gets ready..and has a tantrum, takes too long, is late..then let him MISS BREAKFAST. And be very calm and say, "I'm sorry we agreed that breakfast would be done by 7:30 a.m. and we would be in the car by 7:35 etc.." Since you whined and wasted all the time, you're just going to have to wait until lunch time." Be ready for him to have another tantrum about being hungry and wanting his breakfast etc.. But don't give in, stick with your guns. You don't have to get loud, you don't have to get mad.

You're just teaching him that we are all responsible for our outcome. And everything has a logical consequence. You can do this with a lot of issues in the home (i.e. cleaning up toys, bathtime etc.). Just make sure to establish an "agreement"/understanding beforehand of what is expected. And if it's not met, it's his doing..No one put it upon him..."to miss breakfast".

This will take days, even weeks...before he realizes that you're not bluffing and that you expect him to be a responsible kid and start acting like one and not a whiny baby to be 'catered' to at a drop of a TEAR.

On a side note, the way I've dealt with both my kids..a 1.5 and a 3.5 is not allowing any whining at ALL (unless of course, you know they're just being playful and cuddly). People may say that this way is like stifling your child or hurting their spirit. But I disagree. If my kids need something and they whine. They are expected to repeat themselves and tell me again the proper way. And they know that sometimes my answer is yes and sometimes it's NO. No and's, if, or but's about it. And if they whine after I already said no, they go straight to time out. But 3.5 year old is a fun, happy, go-lucky girl who is definitely a strong personality and not afraid to tell me what she wants....yet is also very compliant and rarely complains. My son, although only 18 months is also not allowed to whine. i know it's whining most of the time there's no tears and stops as soon as you pick him up. Or he can stop at a drop of a hat and change course. So when he whines, I count 1..2...3..to signal to him that he better stop or he will go to time out. It helps that I have my kids on a schedule so I know that it's not hunger or thirst (the basic needs) because they always eat, snack, and nap at specific times throughout the day). But my son never gets anything handed over to him when he whines. Never. I tell him to ask me (even if he can't really verbalize it). I still tell him to say (for example) "read books please"..he will let out whatever sounds he can. Then i'll say, "good job... thank you for asking me nicely." I know that he's storing all this knowledge away until he is physically ready to speak. But i do know that his facial expressions and body language tell me that he does understand. Sounds mean to some to be so tough on an 18 month old, maybe. But i did the same with my 3.5 year old. And so far, my son's personality is exactly like what my daughter was at his age. Very well-adjusted. Every time I drop him off with caregivers at church, they always say how easy he is and how he's so smiley. So yes, I do believe that you can teach your child to start taking responsibility for their behavior even at a very early age.

But as both my kids get older and go into the school-age, I plan to move towards the Positive Discipline method because they will be at an age where you can talk about logical consequences and help them to be more self-policing, rather than we always "policing"/nagging them.

For now, it's about setting boundaries because they are too young to do it themselves.

I feel your pain! Here is what works for me. My daughter is also 6 and the whining is gets a little crazy sometimes. When she gets worked up, I stop, get down to her level and get her to calm down. We take deep breaths and relax until we can talk using "big kid" words and when starting to talk again doesn't bring on a fit of tears. I then ask her to tell me in her "big girl" voice what the problem is. When I can get her to actually talk to me, I can also get her to listen. When she whines and cries, her listen ears are closed...which, as you know, isn't helpful. I find that she likes having a voice in what is going on, but she doesn't feel as though she is being heard. Calming everyone down, including me, helps that. Doing this helped establish the rules of engagement. We've gotten to the point now where I can say, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you don't use your big girl voice. How can you talk to me in your big girl voice?" She answers, "Breath and calm down." So now she has the power to control herself. For her, it was finding a way to empower her. I also find that if I act like a hyped up cheerleader and get her to work with her brother as a "team" they don't fight and I can get ready for work. I can get a bit goofy and use games to get them to do what I need them to, so we can all get out the door on time. Good luck - and I hope some of this helps!!

My son was not much of a crier, but had perfected a fine whine. What I used to do was to explain that I could not hear him when he whined at me. If he wanted or needed something he needed to use a big boy voice and that usually worked. I had to grit my teeth and listen until he got the tone of his voice correct. When the whining was really, really bad, I would whine back at him. Usually this broke the tension and the feeling of needing to tape his mouth shut (which, of course, I never did). And we would laugh together at how silly we sounded (think Doug and Wendy Whiner from SNL).

With the clothes in the morning, make sure there aren't some sensory issues. I would, literally, have to change my son's socks several time every morning, because the seams bothered him. 9 years later, he still cannot wear underwear with tags, all pjs, shirts and pants have to have the tags removed, and we have to "try" socks for comfort. Sometimes the kids just don't have the vocabulary or have a good grip on what the issue is and we as parents get to play detective.

My 5 year old tried the whinnng thing too, when he was 4. It drove me crazy too.

I never gave into him when he whinned. I told him I only respond to happiness, and if he wanted something I needed to see a smile. If he whinning too much I told him to go to his room, that was the only place he could whine in my house.

It took positive reinforcement when he asked for what he wanted correctly. He is much better now.

My goal was to just re-enact Law of Attraction ( a spiritual principal). Life does not give you want you want because you have having a pity party, life give you more of what you are thinking/crying about. I remind him to focus on what he wants and be happy, then he gets what he wants from Life and me.

He still has his moments, especially if he gets frustrated while playing... something not working like he thinks it should. When he stops crying then I go over and help him figure it out.

Hope this Helps.

E.,

It could be an emotional, getting attention thing, but I would look into if he has any sensory issues, any other delays going on. Kids on the spectrum (this includes many things besides autism, such as ADD/ADHD, OCD, Aspergers...) will often have problems with touch to their skin and are unable to deal with things that 'typical' kids can handle.

How many vaccines has he received in the past three years? This can play a huge part in it. Go to www.tacanow.org and look in the section of testing and assessments. Many children on the spectrum have gut issues and it causes a lot of pain and can go undiagnosised, often resulting in 'stimming' behaviors, head butting, crying, pressing on stomach. So start to do some research on this, talk to your pediatrician, and go with your gut on this if it is a behavioral problem or a medical problem(s).

Hi E.!

If you are familiar with his triggers then you can anticipate them. This is key. I know that there are kids who are very body sensitive (mine's one of them!), so you have to find out when his complaint is real and when he is using it to avoid a specific task. Once you have this part figured out you can try the following.

Try creating a chart so he has a visual reference for what he is supposed to do during the day. You can even get him involved in this so he can choose icons that are visually pleasing to him. The idea is if he likes what he is looking at, then he is more likely to follow the schedule.

You can then set realistic goals for him to meet. Since he cries every morning, the goal can be avoid crying for 2 out of 5 mornings. Start slow to give him a taste of success and then increase the goal over time. If he misses a goal keep it positive. If you encourage him to do better next time and show him you believe he can do it he will get there. If you chastise, scream or threaten you will be back at square one.

The next part of this he will definitely want to be involved with. What will he like as a reward for meeting his goals? This will be his motivation and why you do not need to punish. If he meets a goal he gets the reward, if not he always has another chance. Make sure the reward is appropriate for the goal. Don't promise him a Disneyland trip for getting dressed in the mornings. He can earn that maybe after six months of consistently meeting all his goals without too many reminders. Ice cream, extra TV time, a special activity, tickets towards something bigger or even more time with his friends can all be good motivators. You know your child better than anyone else so you'll know what motivates him best.

Consistency on your part will be the determining factor as to how well this works. If you give him the rewards without him meeting the goals then he will have nothing to work towards. Also, whatever he earns should not ever be taken away. Again, if he meets the goal he earned it. If he did not then he will have another chance. After all, your boss does not take a paycheck back if they get mad. You just don't get paid if you didn't work.

This is what I do with the kids I work with. We get good results. Sorry this is so long. Good luck!

Check out Magic 123... it's a great system! I think he cries because he gets a reaction. Why stop something if it eventually works?
Good luck!

Hello, My oldest daughter was very much the same way in that she expected me to take care of everything and was prone to tears if things didn't go her way. She is now a manager of her department at a well known attraction. The best way to quell this behavior is to completely ignore it. Do not give in to his crying. It is a hard thing to ignore, but I promise that with much patience, it will stop.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Your son is getting your attention from his whining and crying, it is working. I raised five children and now I am a nanny. I have one child in my care that does this to her parents all the time. She however does not do this with me, as I do not tolerate it. I will not listen to her if she is acting like that. I will walk over her and continue what I am doing without giving her any attention. She tried with me and found it does not work, so now she doesn't. Once in awhile a whining voice comes out and I let her know I don't do whining. If she wants to talk to me in a regular voice then I will listen. This works for me. You may be late a couple of days to school, but then all will stop when the reaction just isn't there anymore. Good luck!!!!

Hey Joanne,
Sounds like your little guy has picked up some bad habits.
I just finished reading a book called "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. It's excellent. I think this would be a great start for you and your husband.

I was watching a program on the health channel and there was family with 6 kids and each of them had a stage of autism from severe to minor. One of their sons was a very smart child but each morning he would awake with crying and tantrums either because of his clothes or something that disturbed him. I dont want to speak any negative in any ones life but I would take him to a specialist because his behavior is not normal. I pray everything works out.

Hi E.,

I agree with what everyone else has said about setting boundaries and not responding to the whining. I would add the following...

First, is your son getting enough sleep? I know my sons, at that age, were still sleeping 10-12 hours a night. Less than 8 hours and my emotional youngest would just fall apart. Repeated lack of sleep and, well, you can imagine how a young child would handle that!

Second, is your son getting a healthy diet, rich in protiens, fruits and vegetables? Again, my emotional youngest needs a shot of protien (usually goat's milk) every couple of hours or, again, he falls apart. With him in middle school now, that's a challenge, but he's old enough to see his own "warning" signals and can pull a snack out of his backpack before the situation escalates.

Last, I would explore the sensory overload bit, although not necessarily through doctors and such. Do you have a radio or tv constantly on in your home? Does his classroom? Is homelife frantic paced or is it calm and mellow? I found with my youngster that keeping a calm, mellow environment at home countered much of the sensory overload from school or the outside world. If home had to be busy, I'd give my son lots of warning. As for school, my son always does his best in structured, calmer classes, rather than classes that have kids in center, three centers being noise producing and the teacher having music blaring on top of all that! Whew! I know kids who thrive on that; my son is not one of them.

We all handle sensory stuff differently, but it's not always a medical issue, just one of personal preference. At such a young age, your son may not have the words or understanding of how to express that preference.

As a teacher and as a parent, I've found that the really emotional kids need firm boundaries, clear expectations for behavior and lots and lots of structure. Think of it as an environmental security blanket!

Good luck,
S.

Try reading Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. He sounds like a very sensitive boy, and the book will have some insight for you. It helped me and my daughter, although she will always be sensitive, we have some tools in the toolbox to deal with it. Good luck.