K, I could go on and on and tell you the whole story, but I will try to keep it short and sweet.
My husband has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. He thinks in black and white. If something is out of place, the whole house is "filthy." There are no shades of gray. It's never clean enough.
Ironically, he's not a very neat and tidy person, but he demands that it look like "no one lives here." As in model-home.
I used to be a much better housekeeper, but my husband has gotten verbally abusive and angry about cleaning. After 8 years of fighting about it and being yelled at, I admit that I don't give a #%$@$%. And I don't usually swear, so wanting to swear about this is a big deal for me! I admit our house is messy. I've tried and tried to keep it clean, but with three active boys trashing it daily, fibromyalgia, and depression from living with a lunatic husband who is never satisfied with my efforts, I just don't see the point. I need a break from it all, and I'm taking one. I find that as my personal "well" is filled, I am more able and willing to clean up the house more. but it's not filled all that often.
That said, our house is not dirty. I clean the toilets and mop the floor and vaccum and do laundry. But the kitchen table doesn't get all its papers cleared off every day, the toys don't get picked up, and neat and tidy do not describe our house.
Things have gotten so bad between DH and I that I have moved into a separate bedroom because he needs professional help (again) or I will go flippin' crazy!!!
So here's the creepy part. I was borrowing DH's laptop this weekend on a road trip, and I found photos he secretly took with his own camera (I have a DSLR that nobody touches but me) over the past few months. He thought they were hidden, because he doesn't use the photo organizing program that I installed on his laptop a year ago (yes, he knew that I installed it). They just popped up right in front of me when I opened the program.
They're pictures of messes in the house. There's one that I actually would love to have, because it shows a giant Little People city my sons built in the family room. I didn't think to take a picture of their enormous effort in placing buildings, animals, and people. It's so cute to me. But I know he wasn't taking it to be cute. He doesn't do that.
He has pictures of unfolded laundry, papers on the kitchen table, toys out of place. He even has a picture devoted entirely to a pair of my shoes that were not in my closet. Oh, yes, shoes. There's a pic of my shoe rack, which irks him to no end. I am not sure what bothers him so much especially since his used to be a tangled mess. There are shots of the kids' toothbrushes on the counter, a few stray bath toys in the tub. Also in the bunch are a few snapshots of clean laundry, hung on hangers, and hanging on the closet rod we installed in the laundry room. Apparently he thinks that they should only hang there for moments before being put away. I didn't even know that bothered him until now. But I'm not surprised, since EVERYTHING bothers him.
I'm totally creeped out by these photos. Why in the world does he have them? Obviously, he's obsessed. But he never does anything without thinking it through and planning it out. What is he planning? It's like he's gathering evidence against me. He has told me before that "the health department is going to come and shut me down," because "we live in a pigsty," which is so far from the truth (and is verbally abusive), but his off-balance mind actually believes that. Is he planning on suing me for wrongful housekeeping (do you like that? I just made it up) Is he going to try to prove I'm an unfit mother and take the kids? Is he just feeding his obsession? I do not understand why anyone would do this, and it's scaring me. Does anyone have any thoughts?
I decided to copy the photos to my own hard drive. I talked to my counselor about it today, and he eased my fears. He thinks he's probably just feeding his obsession, which is weird, yes. If he's plotting something, it will all come to naught, because (these are my words, not the counselor's) bringing them up in court or something will only make DH look crazier, and won't incriminate me, because there is no such thing as "Criminal Messiness." And, as my counselor said, it's not like there's cat poop on the floor and my kids eat it.
I guess if DH is plotting something, it will come out soon enough. I am still debating about whether I should tell DH I found the pictures. My counselor said I can ask about them, but there really doesn't seem to think they're too freaky.
He is planning something it could be all that you mentioned..He has started a paper trail already the photos maybe a start or just documentation on what he has started.
I would be afraid he is building up evidence for divorce, and eventual custody of your kids, that would be what my suspicious mind would be thinking...
I know that my house looks like your house, every day, if that makes you feel any better.
Gosh I don't think I could stay married to "That" you are a brave woman.
Aside from what everyone else said, I'd delete the pictures. I hope you find some peace in your life soon. Your children shouldn't be subjected to a father like that, please consider separating form him soon.
I was married to someone like that. Different things, but he had obsessive compulsive disorder, would not permit me to hang things on the wall of our home, was a slob himself personally and homewise, terrified me -he thought he hit people while he was driving and would go back and forth checking over and over, couldn't go into restaurants, so I took my children alone (he was afraid of the germs) everywhere.ETC.ETC.ETC. that's just the mild stuff. I tried to leave three times, there were no stalking laws at the time and he stalked me everywhere. You definitely have it tough. Sounds like you still have a tinge of love for him. I loved love and loved my husband, but I Had to leave. I can't force you to, and I seldom recommend it but unless he gets lots of help, you will go crazy yourself. And you have children that need you. We ourselves did some counseling, he went through some therapy, and we were even on a radio talk show about it. But he was resistant to the change. He was supposed to take medication, decided that wasn't for him either (he seemed to be pretty good on that). So I left very sadly, heart broken and still is in so many ways and despite raising my son with a different man (for sixteen years!) I always think about the what if? Please keep trying to convince him to get help. And you yourself get some heavy duty support even if it means you keep writing us. I feel your pain right in my stomach. It is a difficult road to walk and I am going to pray and pray that things work out. In the meantime YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT BLOWING ANYTHING OUT OF PROPORTION. Good luck.
Since he has had services before I suggest you call his mental health professional and tell them what is going on. They need to be aware of his actions. IF he is a threat to others or himself he can be involuntarily committed for at least 72 hours.
I recommend you find a support group that focuses on living with someone with OCD. You may also need to start making a backup plan of getting out of the house quickly and being able to hide out. If he is losing his touch on reality so much that he is this out of focus on what is clean and what is dirty then he may be very close to a psychotic break.
I can't tell you enough how much you need to notify his mental health professional. They can also be a great support to you.
I don't believe for a moment that you are blowing this out of proportion. Your husband is mentally ill, so it is hard to guess what his motivation was in taking the pictures, but it is safe to say that he doesn't think like a *typical* person would.
I think it's fair to assume he took / is taking those photos for a reason. And if he blames the mess on your *wrongful housekeeping* (LOL) then I'd say he plans to use it against you in some way. Of course, no way of knowing this for sure, due to the mental illness issue. I suppose he could just be feeding his obsession, but it makes more sense to me that he plans to use them. If I take pictures to *document* something, as it seems he did, then I do that for a reason, I intend to use them for something.
That said, a non-model home will not get you arrested, or the kids taken from you, or the health dept. to shut down your home. o_O Nor will a judge grant him a divorce based on this. But whatever his motivation is, I'd insist that he gets help or he's out. If he is able to function without this personality disorder consuming his life as you suggested when you had several good years after the last round of therapy, then I'd say that's worth a shot. If he refuses therapy, and I were you, I'd have to leave. I couldn't survive in that kind of dysfunction, nor would I allow my kids to *learn* that type of behavior from their father.
Please let us know what your therapist has to say about all of this when you there on Thursday.
Best wishes to you.
I think I would fight dirty with dirty.
Get a bank account in your name only at a new bank.
Contact a lawyer.
You have a degree, do you hav a job that will support you and the kids?
Make copies of the pictures and frame them and hang them all over the house.
Email him every day and say 'OMG!!! the bed isn't made!!" "OH honey what shall I do there's a dirty dish!"
Text him pictures of your "dirty" house.
Make sure when he gets home all the pictures are crooked.
Do not allow him to be abusive. If he starts use your psych degree against him. If my hubby did anything remotely like this I wouldn't do dishes for a week. Nor would I do his laundry.
I'm sorry but this would piss me off to no end and I would leave, after exacting some revenge.
Your husband needs professional help--again. What has changed that the help he received before is not helping now? Did he stop taking meds,stop going to therapy? I would say that whatever you need to do to make that point is the way to go.
Wow, this is has to be hard for you to deal with. I know some about OCD but not tons. But for you and your kids mental health he should def get some help. If he was planning to say your a bad mom I am sure it would not work so well with the his grounds being papers on the table (shot I would have lost my kids a long time ago). I have battled depression and its a hard thing and I know what its like to need to take a break from everything and just check out so to speak and just do what needs to be done.
Have you tried to talk to him about the pics? Maybe he can explain them or maybe you calling him on it may make him see he has a problem.
I wish you and your family the best and hope things get better.
I read this to my husband, who has OCD and nags me about messes.
He thinks your husband is building a portfolio of art shots for a gallery showing.
I feel your pain. Keep strong. It does sound like this relationship needs to come to an end, so keep your bases covered. You've been given great advice. I don't know what to add, just my sympathy and prayers.
Contact Social Services and see what steps you need to take to have involuntarially commited. The laws differ in each state, but usually you need to have 3 people, sometimes all family sometimes friends and family, write a discription of his behavior, the social worker takes it to a judge and he will be arrested and taken to a hospital. I would not delete the pictures but use them against him. If you put your own twist on his obsession and the pictures it will help to show the social worker how badly he needs help.
I would also get your own bank account and see an attorney about how you can protect yourself and your kids. Leaving him might be your only option, since you need to protect your sanity and that of your kids.
Hopefully he can be hospitaled and medicated and will continue counseling, but since mental patients have as many rights as everyone else they can refuse help. I sincerely hope this all works out for you I have dealt with a nutty family all of my life and they can make you feel that you are the nutty one. Divorce and distance are your best solutions.
