Crazy Grandmother

ask the Dr. to document everything and give his opinions in writing to the father, it might help. Ask teachers to document anything they see that is inappropriate, complaining about the girls' illnesses or the girls mother for example. I guess you could try telling the girls that you feel sorry for the other grandmother, than she is a bit sick and cant help the strange things she says and does. Maybe find an appropriate book about mental illness they can relate to, even if it is about a grandmother with dementia they may relate to the fact that grandma seems "not right"

Why aren't the parents (your daughter and former son-in-law) raising their own kids? This sounds like an epic fail on their part as parents. It sounds like the controlling GM is just a symptom of the real problem...the parents. The parents need to get their acts together and actually parent their own children rather than leaving the parenting to the two grandmothers.

ETA: Per your SWH, no wonder he got custody of the girls. Your daughter put her own interests in front of the needs of her kids and basically abandoned them to go after a new man. I understand that she loves the girls, but that doesn't mean that she is a good parent. I understand the other GM is annoying, but at least she is showing an interest in their well being...their own mother sure didn't when it counted.

Why are you worried about something happening to them? Have I missed something? She sounds irritating, not dangerous. And honestly, you're coming across to me here as also pretty "involved" in their lives, perhaps to compensate for the failures of your daughter. And I do find it hard to believe they don't want to hurt dad's feelings complaining about his mother - they may have reasons for not wanting to tell him, but she is their grandmother first, not his mother, and most kids that age aren't quite that insightful.

She can't be all that bad when she offered for them to come with you when they cried. She recognized that their feelings came first. The way you tell these things smacks of a one sided perspective. If you think children don't try to pit one adult against another, you need to think again. If I were spending three days a week and sleepovers with a grandmother and two days with another, I would want a little more stability, too, by picking one place to stay all the time. My grandmother was generous and kind and sweet, far more than my mother because she could send me home at the end of the day and wasn't responsible for the hard stuff, like making sure my homework was done and making me clean my room. I would have picked her over my parents, too. And maybe the other grandmother is a little stricter than you and disciplines more like their father (since she raised him). So you are the x factor and, thus, more attractive. I don't see anything here that points to Munchausen by Proxy or her being crazy.

Sorry, I think you need to back off.

If the father and his mother are so awful how did they get custody? Seems to me whatever you think you see the court thought it was better than your daughter. Thing is since your daughter can't get custody you rocking the boat is likely to get you cut off, not his mother, so leave it alone.

Perhaps work on your daughter getting her act together so she can at least get partial custody back.

Your daughter made her choice. It was to enjoy another man more than deal with the hardships of being a mother. I'm sorry to be blunt.

Your son-in-law will have to either get a backbone, which seems unlikely, or his daughters will have to put up with their pushy grandmother until they are older teens. THEN they will have nothing to do with her. Once they are out of his house, they will probably never see her again.

What you need to do is be a listening ear, say you understand but they have to talk to their father about the problems. Tell them that you don't want him to decide that they can't be with you, so you can't fuss at him. But that they can ALWAYS get the load of their chests by talking to you.

I think that you do stand a chance of being banned from these childrens' lives if you don't back off of being put in the middle. The girls will eventually learn that they can stand up for themselves and the grandmother will eventually become ineffectual. Keep giving them lots of love and they will be your grandkids forever.

Please add to your post because I have no idea, after reading it, where the girls' mother -- your daughter -- really stands in all this! She is mentioned twice that I can see -- once when you refer to how the other GM got crazy after the divorce, and a second time when you refer to the fact the doctor told mom that he or she is concerned about other GM. Otherwise no mention of mom's actions in this picture. You mention that the girls talk about living with YOU -- not with mom.

Is there 50-50 joint custody? It sounds more like the dad has 100 percent custody but it's not mentioned. What does your daughter say and do about this situation? Does she stand up to MIL? Does she stay out of it entirely, saying "It's his mom and his problem"? It would help us to know.

I agree with you that the other GM sounds extremely controlling and, if she is medicating kids without reason, is a danger to them; however, it's your daughter, the mom in this picture, who needs to be talking to her ex, dealing with her ex-MIL, getting the pediatrician involved and probably also getting a good custody attorney involved here. The giving of medication and taking the girls to the doctor could be key; I would want to know if I could change the custody and visitation agreement so it specifies that ONLY mom or dad takes the girls to any doctor, ever, and only mom or dad can administer medication; that way, when GM does it, it's a violation of a court agreement and mom can yank those kids back home and tell the court. Not sure if a custody agreement can achieve all that but it would be worth asking. I would hope a good lawyer could find ways to legally limit GM's contact with these kids.

It's important to know that the girls are getting old enough that very soon they will rebel and lash out at other GM's controlling ways. You can be there for them then, so keep up your positive support now. But please don't ever badmouth other GM or talk about how awful she is. That will confuse and upset them and make them feel their loyalties are being torn. Yep, other GM is going way too far, but don't trash her no matter how tempting it is. Just be there for the girls but also for dad (who may be overwhelmed and totally cowed by his mother, and probably always has been, and doesn't know how to change) and for your own daughter --though I'm not clear what her role is in all this.

Unfortunately, the chances of the father getting a backbone are zero to none!! My husband is like this with his parents, especially his mother. Most the time I've just ignored her but when necessary, I've had no problem standing up to her. Especially if it involves my children!!

If I were you, I would start documenting everything and have your daughter take all the iinformation to a lawyer. Although, I'm not really sure where she is in this picture - have you talked to her about it and then in turn, have her talk to her ex-husband? Sounds to me like something needs to be done!!

Good luck!!

I totally agree with Tracy M.

The parents need to raise their children. The grandparents need to step back. You and the other grandmother are way too involved. Where is the mother?

Oh God when your granddaughter cries you tell her very firmly that she needs to talk to her daddy, HE is her parent, not you, and not the other grandma. Step back, this is not your business and not within your boundaries. If his mom is a controlling woman well, that sucks but there's nothing you can do about it.
Unless those girls are being abused leave it be, otherwise you're just making things harder for them (I've seen this kind of thing in my own family, so I know.)
Where is your daughter? Is she not involved at all?

I am responding to my own post. I agree with Doris Day. My daughter put a man and her own happiness ahead of the happiness of her own children. It is absolutely appalling. I also agree that the father will probably never stand up to his mother. She cleans his house, does the laundry, etc., as well as watching the girls two days a week. The reason we watch the girls is he cannot afford to pay for child care for two kids. (But I wouldn't give up the time I have spent with them for anything!) The reason the doctor will speak with me about the girls is their father wrote a letter authorizing me to seek medical treatment for them if needed,and discuss all medical matters with the doctor. My oldest granddaughter said that you can't really explain to someone what other GM is like. You just have to spend a few hours with her to get it. And to the person who asked if they missed something - GM is medicating kids unnecessarily, always telling them there is something wrong with them or they are sick when they are not, and LYING ABOUT SYMPTOMS TO DOCTOR. She does this to get attention. She tells anyone who will listen, including teachers, administrators and parents, what a martyr she is because she takes care of the kids and they have this or that illness. She also bad-mouths their mother to them for hours. No matter my daughter's problems, that is wrong.

And since when is simply spending time with your grandkids meddling or interfering with the parent's business? I spent a lot of time with both sets of grandparents, and benefitted greatly from it. Their father respects me and has even told the girls that out of every one in the family, I am the only one that can be relied on. I only give advice, very sparingly, when he asks. I am just looking for a way to help my granddaughters cope with a situation that is causing them a great deal of distress. And my oldest granddaughter is insightful enough to not hurt her father by talking about his mother in a bad way. But, she is so frustrated now that hopefully she will tell him how she feels. We talked about that a lot when she spent the night a couple of nights ago. I told her that he is her father and that I am just a grandparent. She must talk to him about this. That is probably the only way things will improve for her. And when Dad picked her up, she still cried and said she didn't want to leave. I had to practically force her out to the car. That broke my heart. Dad sent me a pic later of her smiling and said, "All Better".

Doris Day - You are not being blunt. You are just being honest, and I appreciate your candor.