Crazy??

While hubby MAY not have known the females were coming, he certainly didn't tell you once he got home therefore he hid it from you...not ok. Makes you wonder about the week before too.

Him going w/ a guy friend once in a while is not a problem. Going with a group of friends/co-workers is not a problem. Being dishonest is.

The odds are pretty good that nothing is going on, but in all reality single men hang out in bars to meet women. Period. A group of married/ attached men... different story. This is a single guy and his wing man.

I would calmly (not "storming" or "whiny") tell him that going out to a bar without you makes you uncomfortable and anxious. Let him know that you are fine with him going out with his friend, but you would prefer that it not be in a bar and not every night.

**He didn't tell you because he knew you would freak out, which is exactly what happened. Keep in mind that you went with him the second time and the girls showed up again... he probably didn't know they were coming again, but single girl #2 knew he was going to be there.

He is not doing the right thing by you but you handled it very poorly and gave him the opening to call you crazy and obsessed.

It sounds like he is getting a little bored and needs some time out and about. Do you guys do anything together for fun or is it all revolving around the family time?

Even the first time when he went out-you didn't think it was ok. Why not?
Everyone needs to have a little fun and you can have fun together and separately as long as the trust is there.

You need to talk to him-not storm and rant.

You handled it wrong, A.. Storming and fighting will do nothing but drive a wedge between you. However, you two are having marital issues now and you both have to deal with it.

He is all of a sudden in the middle of what some call the "7 year itch" started by his single friend introducing him to a single lifestyle, and he likes it. He didn't want you there because he felt you'd put a damper on it. The problem is that you stormed and probably acted like a child (sorry) in the first place. He actually doesn't have a right to tell you no, but you don't have a right to storm about it either.

The biggest problem is that he isn't just doing this once in a while. Now he wants to go over and over, which means he isn't at home with his family, but out with this guy who invites single women.

He actually DOES understand that he is hurting you. He's also calling you crazy and obsessed to deflect the issue of going out drinking with single women and telling you that you can't come. He wants to do this and the only way it's going to stop is for you two to really have some hard communication between the two of you. He is NOT single. He's not supposed to act like it. And you aren't his mother and you can't order him around. You two need to find a compromise that works for both of you. If you don't, you two are going to end up in a real problem in your marriage.

Good luck,
Dawn

no, you're not crazy. this is unacceptable behavior. if the single friend surprised your husband with a couple of chickadees just dropping by, he should have finished his drink, excused himself politely, and left.
and he should have long made it clear to his single friend that he is married and not interested in tomcatting around.
however, you too need to handle things better. for starters, DO let your husband do things without you. it's healthy for both of you.
and if you DON'T want him to do something in particular, say so. he can't read your mind. if you say it's okay, then it's okay.
i would never invite myself along to one of my husband's (rare) guy friend activities. and i would never cry and storm to try and get my way.
so, you were suspicious and immature. your husband was untrustworthy and is now trying to put the blame on you.
you're an adult, and you have kids. you don't want to set a pouty adolescent example for them. behave like a rational adult, and expect your husband to do so also.
and of course, go to counseling. your marriage is not healthy, and you need to learn how to cope better all round.
khairete
S.

OK - he's wrong. He screwed up and he needs to cut it out BUT - something is broken in your relationship and needs fixing. You said "So I cried and stormed"...this is not normal healthy communication. It's angry and manipulative. So something funky is happening and you need to calmly step back and figure this out.

I think this is a recipe for disaster. The most interesting thing to me is that he did not tell you about the women joining him and his buddy until AFTER you went along and they showed up. Your husband couldn't deny that he had already met them.

It's also interesting to me that your initial instinct was to "storm" and "cry" - what is it that has you two staying at home ALL THE TIME and not having any friends or social life? What makes you so angry at the drop of a hat? There must be something else going on between you to make you react that way. Perhaps his wanting to go out, and your insistence at staying home to watch a dvd, is indicative of a deeper problem. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being homebodies - my husband and I love to watch movies together at home.

I think your very strong reaction means that you picked up something in your husband's demeanor - not just his wanting to have a drink with a friend, but in the way he said it or in the way he is behaving in other areas. Even subtle changes can be the signs of problems. So I'd try to get a handle on those things, and have a good sit-down with him and/or with a counselor. If you two can't talk, that's a problem. If he wants to go out, that's a problem if it's all the time and if he's not up front with you right afterwards about who was there (assuming he didn't know about it ahead of time). And if you are using a huge display of anger and hurt as a way to communicate with him, that's a problem. If you're having huge fights and he's name-calling (crazy, obsessed), then there is a fundamental communication issue and I'd suggest professional help right now. You need an objective intermediary.

Stop throwing temper tantrums hoping to manipulate your husband. Sounds like he is tired of it. It isn't going to work anymore..he needs a wife that will deal with this without all the emotions.

Yes, he is in the wrong for not coming clean about hanging out with single woman at the bar. But...don't go acting crazed and obsessed.

He needs guy time. You need girl time. Discuss as a married couple what you are to expect from these outings. I don't believe the bar scene is appropriate for married men to "hang out" at...nor married women to "hang out" at. You can get a drink at a more appropriate location rather than one that is know for hooking up...or meeting the opposite sex at. But that is just me...we don't drink...have never drank and we have never gone to bars. When my husband's friends go to bars he declines the invitation. His guy time is spent golfing or playing soccer...or doing a service project for someone with his guy pals.

You are acting crazy and obsessed in the emotional way you are reacting to his guys night. Talk about it calm and cooly without dramatic pouting and crying, and storming. Discuss as a couple that your first and most important allegiance is to each other.

I am glad you think his friend is a nice guy...that is commendable on your husband's part. BUT..he is single..his "guy time" is not intended to just be guys hanging out together to bond and talk(that is usually the womanly thing). He is a single,nice guy...looking to socialize with women. Two single "looking" men at a bar will attract women. And usually women come in two's...whether to a bar...or to the bathroom ;)

Sooo, do some apologizing to your husband for the emotional tantrums. Talk about your marriage. Talk about you understanding him needing some time to hang out with friends. Talk about how you are in need of some girl time too. Then come up with some guidelines you both will follow when it comes to being away from eachother.

If you keep throwing your crying and storming poutfests it will just further drive him away. Most men don't leave their familial nest simply for sex...but as an escape from where they don't feel loved, appreciated or trusted. Don't drive him away.

I wish you the best....

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Ask him how he would feel if he was in your position. Would he be okay with you going out with a single friend and meeting men and not telling him about it?

Otherwise, I'd think he's a little bored with your routine, but it is weird that he's going out so much after staying in for so long. Once in awhile is okay, but not every week. You need to ask him what's up with that.

Do you two go out on dates? You need a life together outside of work and kids.

And yes, throwing a fit, storming and crying is how a toddler acts - not an adult.

...everything Dawn said....
AND you're being passive-aggressive. If you say it's fine that you're husband goes out, you had really better make sure that it is. If it isn't, you tell your husband that it isn't. Most men would rather get the disappointing truth up front than deal with their hysterical, screaming wife later when she decides that she really wasn't ok with the thing that she said was.
Confusing? Yes, it is.

Upon re-reading your post, I also want to clarify that I am NOT condoning your husband's behavior. He is wrong for doing this, but you need to be clear with him to fix the problem.

Yeah, kinda. The way that you handled it was totally crazy and obsessed. Storming around and crying?? You chose to manipulate instead of talk and reason. Either your husband has taught you that this is the only thing that gets his attention, or you have another reason for feeling so insecure in your role as wife that you think that you can't accomplish anything by talking it out. You're not acting like a grown-up, and that might be part of the reason that he longs to be social outside of your little circle. I don't think that you should have demanded to tag along, but you should have given him reason to prefer to have you with him or establish with him some expectations for socializing outside your circle.

That said, he was wrong for not telling you and for going out again knowing that he could likely see these women again. The friend is single and enjoys the company of available women, as it should be. There's no black and white for your husband to go by here, which is how he was able to rationalize it. I mean, he didn't invite the women. He's just visiting with his friend, who has other friends. And there's nothing wrong with just talking to a woman, right?

Get some counseling to help you guys communicate within your marriage. Figure out a way for each of you to satisfy your social needs. Recognize that needs change as life changes and people evolve. It's no longer enough for him to only sit at home with you and the kids every day and night. That doesn't say anything bad about your home life. Men and women socialize differently and should maintain a healthy amount of external influence. You're getting yours here. You two need to discuss making some changes.

Just between you and me, I think that your husband knew about the women and was looking forward to enjoying chatting with them. Maybe a door was being opened for more, but I don't think that it got quite to that point. THIS is not the problem. This is a symptom of somethign else going on in your marriage. See it as an opportunity to evaluate your relationship and make adjustments. He's probably tired of feeling smothered and manipulated and doesn't have the balls to use his words.

I absolutely think that men need boys nights as women need girls nights. But boys aren't allowed at Girls night and girls are not allowed at Boys nights.

Here is the thing, if he went out on Saturday with a buddy fine. 2 women showed up, fine. He should have mentioned it to you. Yet, he goes out again and the same two chicks show up. He is LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!

You are not crazy nor obsessed. He needs to really think about his actions and how it will affect him, you and your kids. Go get some therapy!! Sorry for this.

He hid things from you, not okay. Going out with friends sometimes is cool. but lieing to you is not. Also, going out that often is not okay.

If you hollared and screamed at him, of course he will call you crazy. Talk to him about it. Tell him you are NOT okay with it and WHY you don't like it. This goes beyond trust I think, because he lied to you about the females being there. And why would a married man want to go to a bar with a single guy and two single females? Yea, this spells disaster.

Uh - follow your gut instinct. He's WRONG! An "occasional" drink with single friend is fine - but going out 3 times in 2 weeks - hell no. Especially when 2 single women show up. How convenient...

He needs to be reminded he is not single, he is married, has kids and made a commitment to you and them first and foremost! His "drinking days" are over. Y'all need to have a heart to heart where there is no name calling and screaming. Tell him how this makes you feel - like the dismissed wife. Tell him it hurts you and it's hurting his reputation. Time for a big, difficult conversation. If he continues his "you're crazy" schtick - you have to make some very difficult decisions.

Best of luck!

wow sounds like he's realizing being an adult seperate from being J. a husband and father is fun.

I think you sound very childish in your reactions and depending on how you reacted the first time when he went out he was wrong. I mean if you pouted and fought about him going out the first time he's sure as hell not going to mention that girls showed up and invite you the next time and wait for you to freak that girls showed up prior.
He was wrong for now wanting you there but it sounds like you pout and argue with him a lot which probably means you both need to work on reconecting and having fun again before this lifestyle gets to tempting for him

If I were you I'd find a weekly babysitter and go out once a week and enjoy eachother. By yourselves, with groups of friends, do things you havent done since you were younger, but responsibily, obviously you cant get trashed like in college when you have work or kids the next day.
In the meantime 3 times a week is crazy (but its new, he probably J. got way too excited over having adult fun) but going out once a week with the guys isnt bad. if its a group he should enjoy you enough to want you to come MOST times, not all of the time, and if its J. guys he should be able to go. Maybe you could say hey i know if its J. guys you;d like time away but if it becomes a group setting why dont you text M., I'd love to join later at night. Then you stroll in all dressed up looking gorgeous later in the night and have tons of fun with them...not J. him...meaning you're not there to be WITH him and all over him, you're there to have fun in the group with him.

I go out without my fiancee (jo if you're reading this I typed it=) ) with other guys who are friends. he goes out with guys and then they run into girls or meet up with girls later when I cant go because of other obligations, or we meet up later in the night.
I have to say if it is a group setting with both sexes and he DOESNT want M. there I'd be hurt and wonder whats wrong in our relationship that he doesnt want M. there and definitely work on things, BUT if his intentions are going out with the guys without M. and runs into girls I wouldnt be upset or hurt in the least, thats happened a few times on both of our sides...ussually if we're both out with seperate groups by the end of the night we all meet up.

No way! My husband did something similar when I was pregnant with our 4th and I flipped out. It is not appropriate behavior for a married man and father to go to a bar and hang out with any female that is not his wife. Even if you trust him implicitly, it still gives the wrong impression and could invite trouble. You should absolutely hold your ground on this one and do what you can to eliminate this new friendship- its bad news.

nope not at all.

i HATE when they play the 'crazy' card. BULL.

it's NOT okay. it's NOT innocent. best case they were flirting and acting single. worst case...hmmmm....

nothing okay about it. and not a DAMN thing crazy about you being upset over it. the fact that he said that would push me over the edge. you think i'm crazy? YOU AIN'T SEEN ME CRAZY YET!

"crazy" is one of my buttons (obviously). hubby knows better than to go there.

everything that Suz and Dawn and everyone else said, is correct. it is absolutely 100% UNacceptable. but now that the fight has started...he'll dig his heels in more and it will not solve anything. if you guys can't compromise and work this out as adults, it's time for some outside help. never underestimate the power of an outside, impartial witness, saying, "you screwed up. you need to look at what you've done." not in so many words of course...but a counselor or mediator can help you both a ton. just a thought.

I had to go back and reread your ages and length of time together. At first glance, the way you're BOTH acting seems like you're teenagers or in your early 20's. You're both handling yourselves like immature kids.

I am not sure what to tell you, but you were both wrong. In order to fix this, you will have to learn how to talk to him like a mature adult, and not cry, scream and stomp your feet. You do realize that that will make him want to go out more & more, to get away from you, right? Sounds like you have some insecurity and jealousy issues. I would be LIVID if DH forced his way into a girl's night (he never would, thank god). If you guys can't meet in the middle, then you have bigger than issues than what's listed right here.

When he tells you he is going out with his buddy again, say, "Honey, I am not comfortable with you hanging out with him in a place where he is picking up girls. How would you like it if I found a single friend and we started hanging out at bars and talking with guys and I didn't tell you about it? Your secrecy about these ladies showing up really concerns me. Now you are hiding your mobile and password protecting your PC. Come on. Please find something to do with him that doesn't involve picking up girls." Do this calmly, while folding laundry or clearing the table or something like that. If he still goes out to the bar, be home fast asleep when he gets home. Then make plans to go to a bar the following week with a friend and tell him it is your turn to go out.

Consult Dr.Laura. There is a BIG problem here.

I would be just as upset. I'm sorry but a married man going to a bar and meeting women there is a no no. After the first time he should have told the guy he couldn't meet him if they were there to meet women. He's MARRIED. He should have left the first time when the two girls showed up. It's obvious that this single friend is trying to hook up with some woman.

No you are not crazy!! I would not like that! Once in a while is fine, but this sounds like too much. He has no business hanging out with a single guy who is picking up on girls. And, the fact that he didn't tell you about the two girls is not right. Not sure what to tell you but I couldn't put up with that. I would try explaining to him how you feel. Good luck :)

No you are not! I would be boiling if I found out that hubby had met two girls for drinks the night before and wanted to go back and do it again! If he went against my wishes the second night, his bags would be packed and on the porch waiting for him when he got home!

If he wasn't shopping around then he wasn't shopping around no matter how many females were sitting with them. That's all there is to it. If he's looking he's interested, if he's not looking for a "friend" then he's not looking at them in "that" way.