Husband Hanging Out

My DH finally cut back this year to 3-4 night a week (for the past 9 years it's been 5 or 6 nights a week). It's been very obvious now for the past couple years that we're an unwanted responsibility for him. He'd rather be anywhere else.

NO, it is not good for a married man to hang out a lot with his single friends. Once in a while yes. Took a marriage class too and they said it was not healthy for that to become a habit of being with just single friends. He has a family now and it would be different if he hung out with married men, they have more in common. It would be different if you came along sometimes too.

It's great to reconnect and hang out with old friends, but every weekend is too much. The fact that they are all single is a red flag, as their weekend fun is not for married men. Now if they only were to get together once a month to pay cards or whatever, that's different. But if he'd rather be with them every weekend instead of spending his free time with you, there's a problem and you need to calmly talk to him about it asap. Maybe suggest a couples night out with his friends and their girlfriends, if they have a steady. But don't give in to him putting them ahead of you. Good luck.

my husband never goes out with his friends. he goes fishing with his dad and brother, and he'll do something occassionally with his married friends (rarely) but never is gone long. we pretty much feel like single friends could get you into trouble, especially depending on where you hang out with them. if they're going to clubs and bars might not be such a good idea. i've told my husband he could go out if he felt like it, but definitely every weekend would be too much.

in my book, not ok, esp. every weekend. when does he spend the time with his family? if he works, weekends are for spending time with spouse and chidlren. my husband (or i) for that matter have spent zero time alone away from kids. we're at the point, if asked, to do something without kids we say no without even consulting one another. we just don't have that need anymore.
that said, recently, i have told my husband, to plan a weekend trip once a year with his best friend (who lives far away from us). i told him to do this for sake of not allowing friendship to fizzle away, and because i know my husband needs it.
i am not at that point yet for myself, but as my kids grow, then maybe i will allow myself to do exactly that once a year. my friends, with or without kids, are understanding, they know i miss them, but they also know my kids come first, second, third, and last. nothing else matters to me :)

sounds like i am going to be the minority, but my answer is, every family is different and every married couple is different. my husband works nights and weekends, i work days. we have a garage that is fixed up so he can play cards/video games, whatever, with his buddies. it's most nights, but it's also after my son and i go to bed. i'm not thrilled with it, but what's the point of him being up till 1 am every night, in an empty house? i think it's up to the individual dynamics of your lives. is he leaving after the kids to go bed? are you and he getting plenty of alone time? these things factor in. my husband seems to need very little sleep - i need more than the average person, i think. so our system works for us. now when i require his presence, he is here. so that's different than your situation. but what "is okay" and "is not okay" isn't up to us. it's your relationship. some people just don't need all that together time. some couples do better with less. just saying.

Hi B. - Truthfully, if it's okay with you that he goes out on the weekend, then I would say it's okay. If you have problems with it, then it's not okay. What every marriage thrives on is balance, openness and mutual respect.

Since there is "more to this story", I know it is probably going to be hard to talk to your hubby about this but that's what you really need to do. I can give you some advice based on my personal experience but if there is betrayal or serious emotional things going on between you two, you may need to get someone to mediate like a marriage counselor.

The first thing to do is figure out what your "issue" is. Is it equal-time to do your own thing? Do you feel betrayed? Are you afraid he's pulling away?

Another thing to do is to ask what he likes about being with his single friends and really listen to his answer and try not to react to it. It may be hard to hear but you'll learn where he is at. Validate his feelings. The other thing is to ask him to listen to you. Be very calm, very direct and use word pictures from something in "his world" to help him understand how you're feeling. Reassure him that you're willing to give him time with his friends as long as things get back into balance with you.

I hope that helps you a little - I wish you all the best in your situation.

Depends on where they are going. If it's a weekly round of golf, then perhaps 2x a month. If it's to a bar or a place where typically single people hang out, then 1x every three months. Hanging out every weekend with single people at single people places 4x a month is not healthy. He opens himself up for all kinds of stumbling blocks.

Suggestion, ask him if you can go hang out with him...if the answer is no, then really find out why. There could be some other motivations for going out. My ex husband used to work from home and I worked outside the home. He used to go to the sports bars to "watch the game" and get out of the house, but more was going on. He was a married man...living a single life. We divorced for many reasons, but I asked my friends what was normal and they all told me that what my husband did...5x a month, was not normal. My current husband NEVER goes to a single place with single friends. My ex trained me that what he did was normal...but now I know different.

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I learned this in a marriage class. It is dangerous to a marriage for a married person to have too many single friends and to spend too much time away from the family. I would say 1 Saturday a month is plenty and bordering on too much. He needs to hang out with married men who can encourage him in his marriage, if you are church attenders, maybe get involved in a married mens group. Good luck

My husband and I compromise. He goes out one weekend a month, I go out one weekend, and the other 2 we either have a date together, or we both stay home. It's good for men to have their friends too. With his friends being single, I would just make sure you and you husband both agree on what is and is not appropriate behavior for a married man out on the town.

I think every weekend is not ok. My husband rarely goes out with his guy friends since they're all married too and we typically all get together to do stuff as a group...but I would be totally fine with once or twice a month to a bar or once a week to a normal guy event (but not always on the weekends). However I do find it odd that he's hitting bars with these single guys. Single guys are hitting the bars to pick up women. That's not to say your married husband is doing that too...but what are the odds he's not striking up conversation with someone or dancing with someone. I think it's inappropriate. Like someone else said...golfing, a basketball game, etc. that's one thing...but hitting the bars like a single guy stinks of doing something wrong.

Well...my husband doesn't think a married man with children needs to have a guys night at all. He says there's way too many men out there that need to grow up.

If all you want to know is if it is ok or not ok, well, it is not ok. If he included you, that would be fine. But more than once without you, is not ok.

I think you need to find a happy balance, and I also think you should be familiar with all of his friends before agreeing to frequent outings. (I would not want my husband going to hang out with a dog!!) We all need to maintain a social life after marriage...it's important to have friends. However, I think that you need to decide together what's OK and what isn't. If they're going to bars all of the time, his friends are most likely trying to pick up single women, etc. If they're going bowling or to the movies, well - you see what I mean. Good luck - hope you can work it out in a trusting way!!

Would have to agree that every weekend is too much, but yes he should get out and hang out with his friends. As long as you are comfortable with what they are doing. It's also important that you get out with your friends. Maybe make a deal that he gets two nights out a month and you get two nights out a month but the rest of the time really should be about family. It's important that you find things to do as a family first and foremost, that's where the importance lies. Or if he needs to have friends around more often and they are single then maybe you can have them over and they can have a room there they can watch the game or just hang out so that if you need him he is still available but to take off and leave you with all the responsibility of your family is very selfish. Family comes first and foremost.

I don't really have experience with this, but I would say a lot depends on who they are, what they do, and if YOU get to spend time with your friends as often. If he just suddenly caught up with them and it's one of those "great to see you" doing "man" things together (golfing, Dave & Busters, poker night, etc), as long as you have the opportunity for alone or friend time, why not - but he has to make sure he's not spending ALL weekend with them, just one night is enough. If it's more "single guy" stuff (bars), and too often, I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

The key is, do you trust him to be with his single friends and have the character to not "forget" he's not single? That's the key. Even if my hubby went out with single guy friends to a bar or whatever, I know he wouldn't give in to "peer pressure" and do anything that would upset me.

Hope that helps a little :)

I think every weekend is to much. Also it depend on where they are going. If they are going to bars then I would say not acceptable. Lets face it single guys are in bars most times for only one reason. If they are going golfing, or to sporting events then I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. It's important to keep a connection with friends throughout your marriage but not to hang out in bars.

I say their should be a balance between work, family, spouse, & me time. As long as you both are getting plenty of each on a regular basis, then I would say he has his me time to do what he wants as long as he respects the marriage vows of course. You mention he recently caught up with his single friends, so the new should wear off, if not & he continues to keep a huge imbalance, then i would say hey, we are missing our time with you rather than say what he can & can't do on his me time. Just remember, your his spouse & not his mother. If you choose to start parenting him, he will resent it, you will too 7 the relationship will dissolve fairly quickly as no mother wants to sleep with a child! so, while obviously this isn't ideal, be confident and respectful & trust your husband to do the right thing. If he chooses to keep the marriage in an unbalanced state even after you bring up the fact, then there is more going on besides running into old friends, but rather something with the relationship that should be addressed. Only you know what that would be. I tend to try & not talk or nag, but put a different spin & what is good for the goose is good for the gander & start reconnecting to some of your old friends on your me time. If he doesn't care or isn't bothered, then looks like relationship is in a bad way & you may be one step ahead in the newly single game! Best of luck....

It is time for you to have a straight talk with him, express feelings and negotiate how you both want to spend weekends. Hopefully you both still want to spend time together.

You need to discuss it with him.

Some guys... go out all they can, before baby comes.
And single friends, are not always understanding of other responsibilities that their married friends have... nor with a pregnant wife. They cannot fathom that sort of level of responsibility.

He also should not be a communal "bus" or taxi for everyone. Geez. That is asking too much.

Going out is fine for guys, us... but when it becomes TOO much, you have to tell the Husband. It takes compromise. AND he's not a child... he has to grow-up and realize he cannot act like he has no strings attached.

My Hubby goes out, about 2-3 times a month. (His friends are married though, some with kids). Nice guys. My Hubby usually goes out Friday nights after work. But he comes home early and will call me. Sometimes he doesn't and stays out way late. But generally it doesn't irk me. Because other than that, he is a family man and family oriented.

BEFORE... the baby arrives... you and hubby have to sit down.. and talk about expectations... AND what he and you have to do TOGETHER... because it is his baby too. And, once baby comes, he can't just be going out... whenever. HE has to wake up to, and help with baby... and let YOU rest. They have to make time for you and the baby too.

Good luck,
Susan

By the time we got married, we were both so over just hanging out with buddies. The singles scene just got old and boring as far as we were concerned. My husband likes to go once a month to the range to teach a basic pistol safety class for a few hours on a Sat morning. If my husband was acting like yours, I'd be getting pretty upset about it.

My husband goes out once a week maybe. And not a weekend night, that would upset me. He does not hang with single guys. That is a cause for concern. I would not like that ......just like he would not like me going out on the weekends hanging with single women. Where there are single men there are single women, not good. I believe never put yourself in a situation where temptation is.

Yes every weekend is way too much! I do understand him wanting to get out of the house is understandable is he's at home all day everyday. Even if they where married friends I would say the same thing.

Good luck and God Bless!

Something's not right. Only you know how the rest of your relationship is. Go with your gut feeling. That's why we have them, to tell us when somethings wrong.

i have my "me" time out with the girls sometimes weekly. why would i deny him his guy time? my hubby will go out weekly and hang out for hours. big deal. he comes home to me, never doing any "extra" things that he shouldn't, so no i don't mind. i trust him completely. the only catch for you is that if you set a time for him to be home by mutual agreement, then he needs to honor that.