I can't b*tch on Facebook, since DH sees it, and I just need to vent.
My DH suffers from PTSD and has this overriding thought that anything he tries, he will screw up so don't bother (he's seeing a therapist for this). So for my past 6 mother's days (and birthdays....and Christmases) I've gotten nada. I either just ignore the day and pray it passes quickly, or I make it up to myself somehow (this year, it's a BIG gift I've wanted for a while). I'm not a needy person when it comes to gifts, either. I've always asked for 2 things, and ONLY 2 things - to sleep in past 7:30, and to eat just ONE meal of the day without having to get up to pick up a dropped fork, refill a glass, wipe a nose, etc. Those 2 things have never happened since I became a mom!
This mother's day I had hoped would be different, since his therapist is helping to "guide" him on doing something. Epic fail. :( It started off with a card left in the bathroom.....huge first step, he never gives me cards. It was kind of odd, tho - addressed to "the mother of my wonderful children" - emphasis on wonderful children, not wonderful mother??? Oh well, it was still a card! Then came his idea - I was going to do nothing all day. Sounds great! Except he literally envisioned me sitting on the couch for 12 hours, doing nothing. However, he didn't want to cover MY chores and didn't think ahead as to how those were going to get done (ie, feed the kids!). He had this huge setup for breakfast he created with the kids, the kids gave me a "menu" but it only had DH's favorite foods on it (I eat clean, he wants everything deep fried). I asked if we could add oatmeal to the list - the kids happily obliged, DH was mad and made HIMSELF breakfast and sat down to eat! So I ended up making food for the kids and myself. Then he got mad that I wasn't "doing nothing" and I explained that I wanted to eat, the kids wanted to eat and HE was already seated eating. So he had a little tantrum and went into the closet to pout for the rest of breakfast.
After all that drama, gave me his "gift" - it was a rack to hold my workout bands, which were on the floor of the workout room (aka guest room). They have a home, I just don't put them back because I use them daily. The ones I don't use are put away. He doesn't know this because he's never home and never asks what I do. Anyways, the rack is something he made in the garage with spare wood from the doghouse. It's stained that dark brown you see in wood-paneled dens in houses from the 1970s. It's covered in splinters (he didn't sand it). It would severely damage my equipment if I hung it up on this thing. He is NOT a woodworker and I don't know what possessed him to even try to make something like this. So I told him it was beautiful and I would like to find someplace else to hang it since we don't have the room for it where he made it for. He was ok with that - and has decided to leave it on the kitchen counter until I find a place to hang it. This thing REEKS of varnish. And I don't know WHAT to do with it!
Anyways, day went on, I still had laundry to do (oldest kid wet the bed last night and had to have clean sheets), get stuff prepped for the school week ahead, go through the garden, etc. He saw me working again, got mad and now I've had the silent treatment since about 9 AM for "ruining his plans." Seriously? I did let it out on him saying I was tired of having a 3rd child, this isn't HIS day and as long as I'M happy it should all be good - whether his plans work or not! But he went on and on about how he failed, he can't do anything right, yada yada yada and the day was pretty much shot after that.
So now it's dinnertime, I have a horrible headache, the kids are mad at me because I wanted food from a decent restaurant instead of McDonalds, and honestly - I have never SO looked forward to a Monday before in my life!
Thanks for all the responses. I have talked to his therapist - she started out as a marriage therapist with both of us in January, and after 3-4 sessions, she said that this isn't a marriage problem, it's HIS problem. And it's not PTSD per se - his mother has narcissistic personality disorder and verbally abused him growing up. He had some sort of coping mechanism when we met and seemed like a perfectly normal adult when we married 7 years prior to his deployment. During his deployment, he had several near-death experiences that shattered that coping ability. The therapist is working on him regaining that confidence. *I* have never said one negative thing to him. But he was never good enough for his mother and has trouble distinguishing my voice from her voice inside his head. Even during therapy sessions, I will praise him and he will hear something complete opposite of what I said - the therapist was astounded.
We sat down last night and I told him I had a great mother's day, I love the wall hook and just need to find a good place to find it. I appreciated all the trouble he went through with breakfast too. Since I had a great Mother's Day, why was he still sulking? He said it's because nothing went right and therefore he failed. So, the goal on mother's day was for his success, not for me to have a good day. He agreed - in his head, everything had to go according to his plan for the day to be great. So we ended on that. I don't know what else I could say to him. I told him (and have told him, and his therapist tells him) that all he has to do is ASK me what I would like and I would have told him. But he still says he can't do that. He refuses to say what - just that he can't. So I don't know where we go from here. He has another appointment with the therapist tomorrow (he sees her weekly, she specializes in CBT which was very successful for him when getting over the trauma he suffered in Iraq), maybe she can say something that he will listen to.
This is PTSD? Sounds like an excuse. I think it's SELF-CENTERED BS.
So sorry. This getting mad at you because you don't do what he wants you to do is more than PTSD. You should tell the therapist this.
Dawn
Wow, he tried and it sounds like you basically spit in his face. He made you a home made gift. made with love, but no, thats not good enough for you. wow, just wow.
Gee. Somehow 'your' day got to be all about him.
I hope you are seeing a therapist of your own because you need help coping living with a guy like you've got.
Next year, take the kids, check into a hotel for the weekend and let staff wait on you.
Room service and house keeping makes for quite a wonderful weekend.
Okay, first let me say I am so relieved not to read another post of : I am not my husband's mother so he doesn't need to appreciate me once a year, every day is Mother's day for me, I am blessed to have wonderful children, I don't need special treatment on just one day, blah blah blah. Okay, thanks for letting me get that off my chest! I agree with the other posts that say he is pretty much using his ptsd as an excuse. Pretty lame no matter how you slice it. It sounds like today isn't the only crappy day you've experienced and for that I am truly sorry. I hope things change sooner than later for you. Hang in there mama!
I'm so sorry you had a crappy Mother's Day! I'm not a therapist, but your husband sounds pretty selfish and the PTSD sounds like an excuse to be that way. He also sounds very good at playing the victim. I hope his therapist is addressing these issues.
I also hope the rest of your day goes better. Take some ibuprofen, maybe tell your husband how much you'd appreciate him finishing any chores, a nice meal ordered in and that could turn your bad day around. Explain to him there really isn't room to fail here, it's just 2 simple requests. Hopefully he'll get it:)
I loves reading your post...I'm not the only one who had a crappy mother's day. I woke up to a drunk guy sleeping on my couch. I threw a birthday party for my husband Saturday night and we had out of town guests staying overnight with their 4 month old baby. We have 5,3, and 4 month old kids. So after party guys went to bar the 2 moms cleaned up, pumped, and went to bed about midnight. My baby isn't sleeping well. She was up at 10:30,11:30, 2, and up for day at 5:30am. I was going to be nice and let my hungover husband sleep in on mothers day but discovered a drunk guy who I don't like, on my couch. Day only got better from there...lol
All I can say is, sounds like his therapist is totally worthless (lots are) and I'm so SORRY!
Im sorry you had such a crappy day!!
I think you need to take a weekend away by yourself and let you husband figure out what it really takes to run a family. He needs a huge reality check.
If you don't do it soon... then you know what you should do for yourself next year for a Mothers Day gift! Take the kids and leave your husband at home and have a great time!
While I understand that he may have issues giving you what you need, this may also be something where it might be worth seeing his therapist once or jointly to work through this if this reaction to a less than stellar gift giving occasion blocks his progress. It sounds like he needs to control his situations very closely and if they are not exactly as pictured, he can't cope. I'm so sorry for your disappointment, but I would try to focus on that he tried, whereas in the past he did not.
Wow, he really let you down. He sounds childish and incapable. He wanted you to do nothing (did he even ASK you if that was what you actually wanted?) but made absolutely no plans to make that happen, and then when you did the things that needed to be done because he wasn't doing them, he got mad at you?!
Talk to his therapist. Talk to him.
And tell him next weekend is a do-over. You are leaving the house Saturday night (stay at a hotel? with a friend? with your parents?) and getting to sleep past 7:30am for the first time since you became a mother. Then you are going to spend Sunday the way you want to, doing the things you want to do (read, exercise, go out for breakfast, meet up with a friend for lunch, get a pedicure, etc.). You'll be back for dinner on Sunday. He should start planning ahead with how he will handle it.
Oh, and by the way, you will expect the house to be as clean as you left it when you return.
All I can is - I'm sorry. I really am sorry!!!
I hope you have a better night!!!
I am sorry - what a disappointment. I would too talk to the therapist about it.
But - it sounds like he was trying? And perhaps he was also disappointed he could not please you? I am not sure. Something to consider?
I am so sorry... it sounds like you're dealing with a lot, in general. I am sorry he made it all about him & acted like a child. It sounds like he uses his diagnosis as a crutch & validation for him being an immature & selfish person.
That being said, we all have our breaking points, in regards to being supportive & working with a spouse through them trying to get better. I guess my question would be, is he really aware of his issues and is he really trying to heal? Because going to a therapist means nothing if he's not a) with the right one and b)iif he's going for show & hasn't accepted that he has a problem. How long are you willing to wait for him to get better? Do you think it's fair for your kids to have to wait indefinitely, for their father to *possibly* get better? Because there is no guarantee that he ever will.
I think it's sad to spend an indefinite amount of time waiting... for a "maybe", worried about he's going to act, or react, and the fact that you can't wait for Monday is just terrible. I hope something changes, soon, for you.
I'm so sorry. I hope you have a better Monday:)
Your husband sounds like a mama's boy. If my husband did that which believe me, he too has his moments, I'd flat out tell him to get his head out of his a** and be a man. It's tough being the only adult parent in the household. I think alot of men need a reality check!
Is he PTSD and a Narcissist? Or just a Narcissist?
ie: It is never about you... but about him.
Hugs.
I think... your Husband needs to be re-evaluated.
Or his Therapist is not doing any good.
This seems like something other than PTSD.
But at least he made you something.
I can't remember when my Husband has made me something.
i'm a little surprised at how many moms are letting him off the hook!
PTSD is serious and much needs to be forgiven when it's looming around.
that doesn't mean grown men get to be pouty babies. and there's nothing in this situation that i find to be okay.
i'm so sorry, mama. a 3rd child would be far easier than a 'partner' who needs this much babying. there's no way i'd be up for this particular challenge. i tip my hat to you for being there at all.
:( khairete
S.
I'm sorry you had such a bad day, but reading your post I don't think anything they would have done would of made you happy!
You sound miserable
I would give him credit and wouldn't be too harsh on him, at least he tried. I think the part about being the mother of his wonderful children is a positive reflection on you. The children wouldn't be wonderful if they did not have a wonderful mom taking care of them. Maybe he really did want you to do nothing today, and maybe getting nothing done was ok with him. He made the racks for you, he didn't buy them , he took his time to make them. Yes, they are not perfect but try and find something that they can be used for. Maybe the varnish wasn't dried yet.
TBH, it does seem that you are contributing to his "I can't do anything right" mindset. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the postive. Try telling him that I know you want me to do nothing all day, and i really appreciate that, but the pee'd on sheets need to get washed and the kids stuff has to be ready for school, can you pleaes help me with this. Gardening is something I enjoy doing, you can help with it if you want.
My husband angrily told me this morning that "You need to see a doctor."
He knows I have depression, not too bad, but I did run out of one of the meds. I told this to him previously and I am just waiting for them to come in the mail. Nothing I can do about the postal service. Plus, I'm pms'ing so I have been a little more bitchy lately but he had no right to say what he said to me. So needless to say I had a crappy Mothers Day today.
Sorry for the vent.
Added: He is still sulking because he has ptsd, which is a type of depression. He can rationalize and understand that you had a good Mothers Day but it doesn't change the way he feels. One thing I learned from a group therapy is that feeling are just feelings. They are not wrong or right. Try and be supportive and not to focus on the negative. Maybe, either through out the day or at night, can you two sit and talk about all of his successes, no matter how small.
Hugs!!!! I'm so sorry it's been Murphey's Law for you all day today.
So sorry you had a crappy day. I am glad he's getting treatment for his PTSD, hope next holiday is better.
Ok, It isn't nice to compare a grown man to a 10 year old, but what he is doing sounds a lot like what my son does to get out of trouble. He'll do something wrong, I'll get after him for it and he starts in with "I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right...." This REALLY pisses me off because as far as I'm concerned he is trying to switch the situation to me feeling sorry for him rather than him taking responsibilty for his actions and correcting them.
I can't say that I know of an answer since he's your hubby, not your child.
I really hate Mothers Day. My hubby doesn't make any attempt at breakfast, we always end up with my Mom and MIL and the WHOLE GANG at our house, this makes for A LOT of work for me, the Mom!!
Take Care of you today and let it go!
M
