Cousin's Rude Remarks About MY Parenting

Ah! The childless advice giver! LOL
I liked the "says the woman with no kids" response.
For the most part--ignore her!
My niece was kind of like that (early childhood ed degree) and now that she HAS a 4 yo, she sees that logic doesn't always work! haha'

Hi M.,
Well, I think the best parents are the people who don't have kids. LOL I think most people have been guilty of this sort of thing before children actually came into their lives. I would just shrug it off. It's kind of like trying to explain what child birth is like to someone who has never been pregnant. They just don't get it until they've done it. Try not to let her get to you, realizing she is really ignorant about what she's talking about. The scary thing is that many "professionals" in the industry of childcare/teaching/etc are people with no children. Scary indeed!

If a see-through fireplace is "the weirdest thing" she's ever seen, she certainly does not have enough life experience to be giving you advice on anything. Geez, what would she say if she saw a bidet?! Just shrug it off...poor girl is clueless. And when she has her own kids, feel free to give her any and all advice you can possibly think of!

Don't argue with an "expert." She won't ever agree with you, no matter how thoughtfully you explain your parenting decisions. Just smile and thank her, with a response like "I know you mean well." Then blissfully do what DOES work for you.

Your cousin may suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. If you are still not comfortable and just can't let her comments roll off of you, or if she becomes even more intrusive, consider telling her that you've patiently taken in 7 bits of advice from her already today, and ask if she would be receptive from some from you. If she says no, then she's gotten the message. She'll probably have to be gracious and say yes, so you can suggest (in a polite and friendly voice, of course):

1. Unrequested advice is hard for anybody to hear. For example, are you comfortable hearing what I'm telling you?

2. When you are a guest in someone's home, discretion and tact help keep the hostess happy that you're here.

3. When you are interviewing for a job, discretion and tact will make you seem more mature and endowed with good judgement.

4. If you have suggestions about my parenting, please be aware that I will probably find them annoying. But maybe we can have conversations about what YOU learned in your studies and how they work with the kids you work with. THAT I can probably hear.

5. Got that?

Good luck. Some people just aren't very sensitive.

Honestly I would just laugh and say "says the woman with no kids...." and just move on.

I like Anne A's response.
Seriously, no amount of "book learnin'" can possibly prepare you for how you will actually raise your own child.
She may have degrees, but you have hands on, on-the-job experience in motherhood.
Honestly, she's never seen a look-through fireplace before? Hmmmm.

I know she's irritating you, but I really would just laugh it off. Or, tell her she needs a time out in another room until she can be nice.....
One minute for every year of age.

Best wishes.

I am thinking of a business communication book I had where they talked about stating everything in a positive way. I think most beginning books would go over this. There was even a section on interviewing. You might afford her such a book and kindly point out that her lack of positive communication might be the reason she is not making it past the first interview. You could also tell her that to practice she might give her comments to you in a positive and helpful way. For example, she could say "your baby will sleep better if you darken the room". Then you can simply tell her thank you and choose to use or ignore this advice.

This will help her to talk to the many parents she comes across in her line of work, without offending them.

At the very least you could tell her "If you would take the time to state your advice in a positive manner, I would be more inclined to consider it."

As with all people trying to tell you how to run your life, the best response is to smile sweetly, say, "thank you for your input", and do what you want. They want a conversation where they can argue until they convince you that they're right. This response leaves them no where to go.(This is a regular part of every conversation my daughter has ever had with her MIL, and if it can shut THAT woman up, it will work on anyone!) Good luck.

I agree with Sunny M. Speaking in a negative manner is probably what keeps your cousin from getting a job offer. Perhaps you should let her know by suggesting she frame her comments/critiques in a more positive light. :D One good turn deserves another.

Otherwise, I would ignore her - she's young and, for lack of a better word, inexperienced. She'll learn the hard way.

She's definitely wrong on the sleep thing! A 15-month old should not be staying up until 10pm. I haven't had to deal with anybody this rude commenting on my parenting, but I recommend that you say something along the lines of, "I appreciate you offering your educated advice, cousin, but there is more than one correct way to raise a child and I am doing just fine on my own. I'll be sure to let you know if I have any questions." Hopefully that will help her realize her advice is unneeded and unwanted.

Does she have kids of her own?
If not, I would just tell her "Listen woman, when you become a parent and have kids of your own, then you can give me parenting tips".

I wouldn't be snotty...but just matter-of-fact like...I believe when it comes to family it is always best to speak your mind and not let things fester.

I hope this helps

My Aunt does the same thing! She is 50 and going to school for psychology and has never had any kids of her own! She thinks she knows everything about everything! When she critisizes me I tell her when she has kids she can do it her way but these are my kids and Im gonna do it my way! It was hard the first time but I was so sick of feeling like a bad mom from someone that doesnt have any herself! Good luck!

There is nothing more entertaining to me than a person without kids giving advice to those of us who do! How can you keep a straight face around her?!!! Follow Anne A.'s advice... she's right.

But I do understand your frustration. You have enough going on with a 15 month old, the last thing you need is some ditz all up in your face about parenting. It's bad enough to be insulted, let alone in your own home!

Maybe you should very non-chalantly ask her "why didn't that job go through?" or "what happened on that interview? I'm surprised you haven't heard anything" and see what her responses are. It may lead to a conversation about phrasing things in a positive light and you can be the one to dish out the remarks for a change!

By the way, I think see-through fireplaces are cool. Wish my house had one. Good luck, you are an amazingly patient person!

I have to laugh as people who do not have children as they have NO idea what being a parent is all about, no matter what her job or education may be. YOU are doing a great job. I would be honest with her and tell her that her unsolicited advice is not welcome and is upsetting to you. She should be respectful of you as a parent, friend and relative, especially since she is staying at your home. If she cannot keep her comments to herself then do not allow her to stay with you. I would ask her how she would feel if you told her how to be a teacher. Not putting your daughter to bed until its dark?? That makes no sense. What about naps? My sister had 2 kids and recently has started "telling" me how to raise my son. I know that I am not a perfect parent and it really started to bug me. I was honest with her and told her that her unsolicited advice was making me not want to talk to her or have her around my son and I. She is a lovely person but often feels that she knows what is bets for others (something that I have battled for years with her). At first she was a little hurt as she felt she was only trying to help. I told her that I know she had the best intentions however her telling me these things came off as " you have no idea how to parent and I know more than you". We decided that it would be best for us both if she not give advice unless asked. Honesty is always the best way to ensure that you get your point across. I hope that you can work this out as I know how frustrating it can be, especially with someone you love and really enjoy having around.

Are they derogatory remarks? Not to take sides of either one of you, but let's take this a step further...A person has a Child Life degree and often visits a home of a family with a small child. The child grows up with a speech developmental problem and the person with the degree never says a word about it, in fear she would be crossing the line. The parents of the child now have to take the child to the doctor and are wondering how this could have been prevented. Now the parents have to spend time with a speech therapist to get the child caught up. Now in retrospect, the parents are wondering why this wasn't something that the educated person didn't pick up on and she says well, I didn't feel it was my place to say anything.

So, I don't think she means any harm to you at all. But if her comments are derogatory then you should tell her and I would be up front with her. Let her know it is her tone or choice in words. If it is rubbing you the wrong way, it may very well be her way of putting it and she needs to know, as her line of work will put her before a lot of parents.

**In response to Sunny M** I took a Business Communication class and the text we used is, "Business Communication Process & Product" by Mary Ellen Guffey. I used the skills from this class often in my business writings. You always use positives, when dealing with your client. So you would take all the "No" out of your comment. Rather than say what you won't do, you say what you do. Sometimes you just have to say no. Great suggestion and hope this helps.

Actually, this makes the whole thing have a good twist. Although I am most certain your cousin only means well M., if you were to suggest this book or author to your educated cousin, I am quite sure she would be taken back. I just googled her name and she is all over the web!!!

Best wishes M.!

I would tell her that I appreciate her concerns and her opinion...but this is your child and your home and that she's insulting you. I have a friend who is a pre-k teacher and she thinks she is the authority as well. It's very aggrivating because every parent has a different approach and people who do not have children themselves really just don't know. Obviously it's ludicrous to expect you to put your child to bed when it's dark out. I have a 4yr old and she goes to bed at 8PM regardless of whether it's light or dark out. That's out schedule.
Unless you were doing something harmful...your cousin needs to back off. I would just tell her to keep her opinions to herself (as nicely as possible). She probably doesn't even realize she's insulting you.
Good luck.

Just give her your best "mom" look and tell her when she has children, then you'll take her advice -that very little of parenting is applicable to anything found in a textbook. I would have said to her about the light outside/baby to bed comment, "Well, if you think it's important for her to stay up -here she is. I'm going to a movie." Since when were babies supposed to only be in bed during dark hours? What are people who live near the North Pole supposed to do when they have light almost 24 hours per day in the summer? I don't think their kids are harmed in any way...I make my kids go to bed by 8:30 and I don't care how light or dark it is.

As far as rude comments regarding your house -she sounds incredibly unsophisticated if she thinks a double-sided fireplace is the weirdest thing she's ever seen! If she makes more remarks in that vein, just tell her you like whatever it is and that you find when everything is the same it's SO boring!

Tell her to back off, that you are the Mom, and you know how to be the Mom, and you do not need help from her. That if there ever is an issue you feel she may be able to help you with, you will come to her, but until then if she would like to continue to have a place to crash she needs to keep her rude comments and "parenting" advice (if you can call it that from someone who has never parented) to her self.

Tell her (with a smile of course) that the best parenting skills do NOT come from a book.

To be honest...She's sounds a teensy bit jealous and I guess to put a positive spin on that...It means she admires you and the life you have made.

I would never let someones rude comments bother me too much, just shrug and say this is what works for us! Every child is different and I don't care what level of expertise she has, you know your child better than anyone = )
B.

I deal with the same things with my older sister. She thinks she knows more about how I should raise my kids than I do. It has caused us several serious issues over the years. I basically had to tell her that her opinions are not welcome in any circumstance unless I ask her specifically for advise. If she wants to be around us then she is to enjoy my kids but keep her mouth closed and her opinions to herself. She only raised 1 kid and I have 5 so it's a totally different dynamic. FYI- I put my kids to bed at 8:00 every week day and at 9:00 on the weekends for the little ones (under age 6). My 10 yr old gets to stay up until 10:00 or 10:30 on the weekend and my 16 yr old 10:00 on weekdays and no bedtime on weekends as long as he's home by 11:30 pm.
Kids need their sleep and parents need some evening time to recharge.
If she doesn't like your house, then next time she makes a remark say "when you start making my mortgage payment or if you want to pay for new decorating, then you can have an opinion". You can say it in a joking manner but she'll get the point.
At the end of the day, who cares what she thinks??? A baby's sleep schedule has nothing to do with what time it gets dark. Are you kidding? When you're baby is up late crying from lack of sleep, record it and then call your cousin at 2:00 in the morning and play that in her ear. lol

Hi M.,

I have a brother-in-law that did the same thing. He was going through a divorce so he would visit more often and would always tell me what I needed to do. My comment to him was, "Remember this conversation. You'll have kids eventually." My girls are 17 and 14 now and when his kids hit school age he actually called me and said he remembered. We had a good laugh!

Ask her "Did you learn this in school?" She might realize you know she's showing off....

M.

Don't you just find it amazing that those who don't have children know exactly how to raise them and they have all the answers!!!! Hmmmm.........

Pray for your cousin that she find Mr. Right soon and get married and have lots of little boys! Suddenly, she'll be calling you for advice!!

I would find reasons for her not to come visit if possible. Also, when she makes a comment then just laugh and make it into something funny. She'll soon figure out that she needs to keep her comments to herself. I agree that it's very rude of her.

I have 5 kids and my brother, who has NO children, always says something. I know that he means well. I usually laugh at him and suggest that he borrow my children for a while and straighten them out for me. He laughs back at me and shuts up!!!

Try really hard not to let it get to you. Someday, she'll feel bad for being this way, if she ever learns, that is. :)

I don't have any advice, except to grin and bear it. Then wait until she has her own kids....you will laugh when she does the very things she ridiculed you with!!!!!!

Tell her when she has children of her own thats when you both can discuss children. Until then tell her to leave the comments at the door.