Cornered by Woman Now Highly Stressed and Pregnant... What to Do...

Allright-you and your husband are obviously known to your Rabbi. Please call him right now and say you have an issue that you must sit down with him to discuss. Preferably today but if not then sometime this week. When you meet with him you will need to tell him the whole story. This woman is a liar and a bully. No religious organization should allow such outrageous behavior during a service. And since it did happen on the temple grounds within a function it is absolutely your Rabbi's problem as much as yours. Please do not roll over and let this woman treat you like this. I think you will feel much better if you can stand up for yourself.

If you cannot do what I suggested then at the very least I would email this woman and copy the Rabbi. Put down clearly and concisely everything that you feel happened. Tell her you felt threatened the other day and you would hate to not come back to temple because of her. Tell her that the two of you should probably just not have anything to do with one another and neither should your kids.

Lastly-if none of this works you and your husband BOTH need to ask yourself if his class that he teaches is worth all of this fuss. The answer is NO-I can tell you that much. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is worth a family suffering when it doesn't have to. I am sure he can lead a prayer group at any temple he goes to. And if not then he will just have to live with not doing it. I think God will understand.
::::::UPDATE::::
Allright-I think I know now WHY nobody is doing anything about this woman as you mentioned in your update. She is donating significant money to the temple. I do not care what religion you are in -big contributors get big favors. This goes for schools/hospitals as well. They are not ever going to kick out those who kick in.

I would talk to the leaders and your husband. I would also ask if there's a way to separate the children during services so that smaller toddlers and infants are not with the older children who can't seem to deal with it. I don't know how your service works, honestly, but by 8 I would imagine most kids could sit with their parents and not be in the nursery or children's room. I think that 8 is too old to be playing with 1 and 2 yr old children. Is there an appropriate class he could attend instead?

I would take some deep breaths and realize that the issue is her, no matter how she deflects it. If she can't keep her 8 yr old in line, then she needs to worry about her own home and not yours. If she corners you again, say the topic is closed for discussion and walk away. You should also ask your husband or friends/family to stay close so that she can't yell at you without witnesses.

I agree with Mallory. Talk to your Rabbi, he has probably seen and heard it all and if I understand his role, this is part of his job. I do think however your husband should do it alone because of your condition. Sorry your benched. ;-) He needs to let the Rabbi know what stress this is causing you and your family and I'd advise he doesn't get into what they have done in the past too much, just that you want resolution for peace going forward. Then, YOU Let it go! You've delegated it to competent people and you have a job to do. You need to take care of you. I remember reading your question before and thinking that lady shouldn't dictate what you do. Now I think for this one Holiday you need to sit it out unless a resolution is come to very quickly that YOU are comfortable with. That may be impossible because you're going to be on edge at first and that's why I suggest to sit it out. Would your husband be able to go and make an appearance? Your baby and family is much more important that this wackiness. Not that you are backing down, you are choosing WHEN and HOW to fight this battle. This woman does sound pushy and rude but you know what? As unfair as we think it is they exist and the sometimes seem to be mulitpying like rabbits ;-). Don't give her the power. At this point I think an agreement (with the Rabbi's mediation and oversite) should be made that you are civil to each other but don't talk to each other anymore than you have to and redirect the children away from each other. If this was a new issue (and you'll come accross people like this, like I said they seem to be multiplying) you have to do a lot of redirection laughing things off and politely letting them know, we are not talking about that, it's none of your business." and appropriately escalate from there. Boundary setting. Where I think we get stuck (I'm SO guilty) is expecting people to have the same values as we do in how we deal interpersonally with others and our community. So, set this aside, focus on your family and the good things, dwell on them! Focus on the positives of funny things in a story for yourselves and use it to bolster your family. It sounds like you felt the incident where your daughter went to the hospital was used to make you feel bad (it sounds like it was), but you know what? Most of us understand kids and have been at the ER. One way to handle it would have been to respond by laughing and say, "No No NO. Thank goodness they don't treat each other like THAT!" then ask a question about something inane, like what time does such and such event start?

Anyway, enough is enough! I hope your next post to be after a long hot bath, and/or your favorite relaxing activity! Give your kids a hug too!

l

I am so sorry that this all is happening to you. Please know that there are lots of people that are thinking of you today and giving you strength to get through this. I think that you should talk with the Rabbi as others have said. Also, as the other poster said, it doesn't seem appropriate in this situation for 8 year olds to be playing with 2 year olds. (By the way, at my church, the babysitting during services only goes through age 4.) Therefore, perhaps the policy/set up needs to be changed. Then, you can address the situation with the other mother with your Rabbi. Just stick to the facts and have a calm conversation and it will make you feel better to talk about it. It is unfortunate the this woman is taking out her pain/troubles on you. Also, if you feel that you need to not go to services for a few weeks until this all gets resolved than you should not feel badly about this. You need to take good care of yourself, and your children, and it is ok to take a break to do that.

When you go to temple, keep your kids with you and if/when these other kids come up to you and/or your kids tell them to leave you all alone.
If their mother comes up, tell her to keep herself and her kids away from yourself and your kids.
8 and 4 yr olds don't generally play with 1 and 2 yr olds.
Why are they not playing with kids their own age?
Or are kids their own age more likely not to put up with being lied about and pushed around?
You are fine. Your kids are fine.
Relax.
There are crazy people in the world but you can't let them bother you.
Accept that their problems are their own and not yours and reject any attempt to lay blame on you.

I think you should talk to your OB, if you haven't already, because the shortness of breath and other symptoms aren't good and you're OB might have some solutions or might want to be monitoring you more closely.

Does your synagogue only have one service, or can you try to go to a service that this woman wouldn't be attending? That's what I would do.

Why is the eight year old around your 1 and 2 year old? Are they in childcare together or some kind of coffee time between services? I am just trying to understand better.

i understand with your recent history, and in your current situation, you are feeling very powerless and vulnerable right now - you aren't. this is ONE situation you can take charge of and get taken care of. get a meeting with the rabbi, heck even involve the other mom if she would come. it is ridiculous to think a 1 and 2 year old are bullying (because that is what she's accusing your children of) an 8 and 4 year old. ridiculous. this needs to be settled NOW. she is feeling secure and high and mighty because she is intimidating and embarrassing you in public where she knows you won't want to cause a scene. confront her in privacy, with the rabbi as a witness, and just watch her little act fall apart.

It sounds as if you need to talk to your rabbi and have him council the situation, he needs to know that this situation is causing problems at the synagogue. I'm not sure why they have kids of differing such age together.

I am sure from your perspective that it seems like this other woman is holding all the cards, but true character has a funny way of revealing itself to people. Especially those who genuinely look for the truth. I agree with the advice given already- that your husband should speak to your rabbi. Why this woman and her children are bullying your family is beyond me, but I am sure there are tell-tale signs all over the place upon closer inspection. Have your husband share all the things that you have shared on this site- with your rabbi. I think it is deplorable that you don't find your synagogue to be a safe or peaceful place for you right now and I would let the rabbi know you feel this way immediately. He can probably offer some valuable insight for your family and hopefully some guidance for this woman as well. This kind of behavior does not please God and if she is a true believer then she should know it is in her best interest to stop this foolishness instantly. I think I would make myself scarce from your synogogue until after your pregnancy since you have had complications in the past. If it were me, I would pray for this woman, I would be as polite to this woman as humanly possible, and I would not speak ill of this woman in front of your children or to others because I guarantee at least two things will happen 1) you will be setting the right example for your kids. Use this as a teachable moment for them if nothing else. Bullies come in all ages and it has become a real problem in this day and age. You must stand up to them, but do it with kindness and honesty. 2) The more you do this, the less you contribute to "stirring the pot" so to speak and people will see how truly childish this woman is.
You said leaving the synagogue is not an option when in actuality...it is an option. It may be a hard one and I am not suggesting running away when the going gets tough, but if you cannot get any help through your rabbi, the leadership team or the congregation itself, then maybe these are people you don't want to be around anyway. God meant for us to come to him in a spirit of love, peace and safety. You should be able to find these things there. Period. Good luck and God bless. Let us know how it all works out.
A.

Talk to your Rabbi & your husband. Take care of yourself & that little treasure inside of you. Keep yourself & your kids as far away from those people as you possibly can.

I would have both myself and my hubby talk to both of those parents, and make it perfectly clear that they are too keep their children away from yours, are to stop spreading lies, and are to leave you all alone. Tell them point blank you will no longer tolerate the harassment.

I'm am so very sorry for the stress this is creating for you and your family.
As it sounds like direct confrontation isn't an option:

Is it possible for you to talk to the rabbi and ask for a consult? Even if their isn't a resolution, perhaps he could share techniques with you to divert the unwanted family from your direct area of socialization?

Could your husband intervene on your behalf with her husband? Perhaps that would take some stress off you?

No, you don't need it, and you don't deserve it, and this other woman sounds like a lunatic from what you have described. First of all, maybe you need to talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds and what would be safe to take while pregnant. I would also consider not going to services if it means having to deal with this woman there, or going at a different time if that is possible. I know it isn't fair but at the same time, you need to protect yourself and your unborn child from whatever mental anguish you might be experiencing because of this person. Secondly, you should be able to talk to your rabbi, especially because of your husband's position, and hopefully he could have a talk with this woman about her behavior and how it is affecting you, and really, God does not want His children to behave this way or treat each other this way. As a last resort, and this may seem extreme, document everything and go to the police if necessary - even consider a restraining order. She would not be allowed to contact you or approach you or your children in any way. You might be worried about her turning everyone against you but I would hope that anyone with any common sense will see that there is not much harm that a 1 year old and 2 year old can do to a 4 and 8 year old.

I could be wrong, but maybe finding another synagogue should be an option - and your husband resigns his position.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like this other mom is plain physco. I had the unfortunate displeasure once to deal with a physco mom myself. Not exactly the same situation, but she would try to say my child was the problem and a bad influence. When, in fact, it turned out that her own child was indeed the problem. I know the anger and stress you are feeling. This other mom stressed me out plenty and caused me a sleepless night or two. It took a while, but I learned to let it go. I stayed as faw away from this other mom as possible. Then we moved away, so she is far far away now. Trust me, you can't rationalize with a phycho. You can't deal with crazy. This other mom, for whatever reason, has it out for you and your family. You need to do whatever is necessary to stay far away from this woman and her children. You will be much much happier when she is out of your life. She is not worth the stress she is causing you. Your unborn baby is so precious and you need to protect that baby and your other children at all costs. If that means finding a new synagogue, then so be it. Please take care of yourself, and all your children. I hope this situation has a positive outcome for you. Keep us posted. Good luck!

Write it all down. Dates, incidents, who was around to witness it. Every time she does this from now on, she's giving you ammunition to add to your list. After a while, you can take your nice long list and present it to the rabbi in front of her and any other witnesses you deem appropriate. She's just a bully. I had to deal with one of those one time on a volunteer committee. My final showdown was via e-mail when I listed the shenanigans this one woman had been pulling all year long. It shut her the hell up, just before I thought I was going to have to deck her, because she was embarrassed to see it all laid out there for the rest of the committee to see. Even though they had been there for it, and witnessed it in person, she didn't realize they had all noticed what she was up to. People like that never do.

Writing it all down gives you some control and maybe you won't get so stressed out from now on when she does these things. Also, it really will look horrible when it's on paper in black in white. No way she can shrug it off and say you're overly sensitive.