Coping with the "Thrilling" Threes

You just instill boundaries/rules etc. And if they scream/tantrum, then so be it. Be consistent. A child WILL deflate on their own... after tantruming. Just let him deflate. If you try to "reason" with a kid when they are screaming or having a tantrum, they are not able to listen or be rational. So just wait until the storm is over. Then, reiterate your reason for saying no etc.
My son is 3.5... and that is what I do. Unless he REALLY is in need of something or help or understanding from me. I will say "I know you are frustrated... but...." and then explain my reason. After he is done being upset... he will most always, come to me and say "Sorry Mommy..." Then I praise him for that.

And no, 3 year olds do NOT have fully developed "impulse-control" yet, nor total understanding of their emotions, nor how to express it or cope with it. Hence, they tantrum.
But if you give in to every little scream/tantrum... then that will be the "habit" they learn, that you "teach" them.

One time, my son wanted chocolate. From a box that i had bought for myself. I let him have one. He asked nicely. Then he wanted another. I said no, he already had one. He screamed and tantrumed. I said "You can scream but I still will not give you one. That's all. I said only 1." Then he screamed more. I let him. He calmed down, then asked again. I said no. He screamed. So then, I took the box of chocolate, and emptied it into the trash can. Right in front of him. That's it. He didn't expect me to do that. I told him, that was my box too... but he couldn't have it all. And so now, it was just all gone. No more. It really taught him... that Mommy will not give in.

All the best,
Susan

I remember the Twos being a breeze compared to the Threes!

He need boundaries, rules and consequences, consistently, consistently, consistently!

And don't forget to PRAISE good behavior and habits.

Stand your ground and when you say NO, mean NO. Kiddos that age are smart and if they get away with something after you told them NO, then they just learn to keep pushing harder the next time. Also, find times to say YES. It seems that at this age all they hear from us is no, so try to say yes to some things too or at least praise the good behavior more often.

Read the book, "Try and Make Me! Simple Strategies that turn off the tantrums and create cooperation" It is written by Ray Levy, PhD and Bill O'Hanlon.

I had a very strong willed child and this helped me a lot.

Good luck.

Can we assume that he's usually hollering for things he wants after he sees them? If so, you can probably intuit what temptations are likely to set him off, and avoid exposing him to those items or situations as much as possible. Modern kids have a whole festival of opportunities, toys and foods that have only existed for the last few generations, at most.

I've been realizing lately that human brains and emotional systems evolved during simpler times. We are busier and more "blessed" with goods, foods, and activities than at any previous time, and all this rush and complexity must, at times, tempt, confound, exhaust a child's ability to cope.

I've also seen kids (and have this problem myself), go bonkers after exposure to certain common chemicals in air, food, and furnishings. Those sensitivities can develop at any time, and the more exposures a child has, the more possible it becomes to develop reactivilty.

Doesn't it make sense to anticipate when and where his problem behaviors are most likely to happen? Observation with tell you whether overload, hunger, tiredness, or simply hearing "NO" too often is contributing to his behavior. He's only been in the world for 3 years, and has a long, long way to go before he develops much impulse control.

A little chat that can happen often, during periods when he is calm and NOT desiring something he can't have, is to happily talk about what he is permitted to have and to do, things that you can support enthusiasically. Make sure to emphasize the CAN DO message, because the CAN"T DO message is so frustrating to young children, and they hear it all the time. These little conversations should happen when he is NOT desiring something he can't have. Let him know, while he can hear you, that you know he would love to have ______, and you wish you could give him everything he wants, but that it would not be good for him because ____. Empathy goes a long way toward helping children understand you really are on their team.

On those occasions when you know he will have to take no for an answer, help him prepare for it. Transitions help. Tell him that he'll have to stop playing in 10 minutes, and then again in 2 minutes, and talk up his alternatives. Tell him what he CAN have/do when he goes to the store, or takes his bath, or has to give a playmate's toy back. Make whatever will happen next as appealing as possible. Give him something positive to anticipate before taking away or stopping his current desire.

Good luck. If you consider life often from your son's point of view, I'll bet you can make the next couple of years much easier for both of you. These techniques have worked very well to bring down my 4yo grandson's frustration level.

Give as many choices as you can so he can feel like he is in control. Think of 2 choices you can live with that both result in what you want in the end... If you say, "Are you ready for a bath?" then the answer choices are yes or no...and no is not acceptable because you want him in the tub! So instead, you ask "bubbles or no bubbles today?" or "do you want to pour the bubbles with me, or do you want me to do it myself?" or "which toy are you picking to take a bath with you today?"

And when all else fails, my strong willed 3 year old can be talked into doing just about anything with the promise of a few mini marshmellows!!! To use the bath analogy, he took off his shirt so he gets a mini, pants off, he gets a mini, socks off, another mini, into the tub and he gets the last one! 4 mini marshmellows later and I get my no-way-I-am-taking-a-bath-right-now crabby boy into the tub!

As for melt downs, I just plop in in his room and he can come out as soon as he's done. Sometimes it could be 20 minutes later, but I don't get irritated or yell at him because what would be the point of that? I just matter-of-factly plop him into his room and say he can not have whatever he was fussing about and he can come out when he's all done crying